I have had to neglect my blog some just because of school.  I have been missing it! However,  I am so glad that I opted to take the full time in school option. I am having a total blast. My mind is in overdrive with all the information they are able to throw in our direction on a daily basis. I also did negotiate to stay on at work at least for 4 or so months twice a week. Oddly, this will probably give me enough money to pay my employer for my health insurance. I am cool with that since it is less money I have to take out in loans.

Anywho, I drive for about 45min-1 hour back and forth to school. The road gives me all sorts of good time to think about things, usually what the day ahead is going to bring or how far behind I already am with my reading for school! After I wrote my last entry, I still keep thinking about how to tease out justifying versus denial. I kept thinking, well if I am justifying something to someone, I know deep down it is something that is not true and I say what I say trying to convince others and myself too that I really want to do what I am doing. I felt though, in some way, when I was denying things, I was doing exactly the same thing. Maybe the knowledge of the problem was not as strong as when I am justifying but in the specific situation of my drinking, I think I knew there had always been a problem, I knew there was a current problem but yet I denied a problem.

I thought back to when I went to annual physical/medical appointments. For about 2 weeks leading up to appointments, I would be so anxious and nervous. I would start talking a mile a minute about how I had to change my life and stop doing this or that. I was afraid the doctor might figure out my drinking, or even worse, when they did my lab work, they would find that I had liver problems, etc. Then, I would get my labs, make it through the appointment, get a clean bill of health and move on for the year, not changing ANYTHING about what I was doing. This cycle repeated for about 10 years. I could just keep drinking because I wasn't having any side effects! Yeah! Maybe it isn't a problem after all (denial yes....justifying yes....)

The working nights thing was sort of the same. I knew I had recommendation not to do that but I really liked my job. I personally didn't feel like I was having any issues with it until the school schedule started. That was my own fault for having taken on so much. However, I was just noticing that it was getting harder and harder to feel rested. Again, I was in the stubborn corner of not wanting to change what I was doing because I felt like it was fine while I have just about the rest of the world telling me "hey, FROM EXPERIENCE, it's not a a good idea." Now that I am on an official day schedule, I have sure noticed the difference of not flipping my sleep schedule all around. My body is still a bit in adjustment mode. When I go to sleep at night, I get up for a few minutes every 2 hours or so. I think my body feels like I was just taking a nap....

All those trips back and forth to school and I still wasn't able to come up with too much new information about how to tease out justifying and denial. Throughout my nursing career, I have seen a ton of both and if I remember correctly, I think I used justifying and denial almost interchangeably. The two concepts are on different areas on the spectrum. It's just hard to assign my behavior or analyze my case studies in school to one or the other. I didn't really know it could get so convoluted but it does. I suppose that is true of addiction and it's process in the individual and the family/social group. Nothing is ever cut and dry in this field! Or with me for that matter.....ha!

2013 is already whipping by at frantic pace. It's probably the pace that I function at best. I tend to stay more organized when there are some deadlines looming. Procrastination is an art and I am one of the masters :) I have to stop "denying" that my home work is going to do itself and quite "justifying" the other 10 things I want to do versus the 2 things I need to do. Hmmm....never ever black and white.

Peace out

Part of the Stigma Problem?
"We in recovery have been part of the problem. We have both accepted and perpetuated the stigma that kept us from getting help and that has killed millions of addiction disease victims.

"By hiding our recovery, we have sustained the most harmful myth about addiction disease; that it is hopeless. And without the examples of recovering people, it's easy for the public to continue thinking that victims of addiction disease are moral degenerates - that those who recover are the morally enlightened exception.

"We are the lucky ones - the ones who got well. And it is our responsibility to change the terms of the debate, for the sake of those who still suffer." ...Senator Harold Hughes

I was sitting in my theory week a couple of weeks ago. In talking about the history of addiction treatment in the U.S., Senator Harold Hughes was, himself, in recovery and really took a bold approach to sending a new message about addicts. 

In the midst of my addiction, I would be up late at night watching infomercials. There were a couple that came up that promised instant addiction cures. Let me tell you, it's a good thing I went to bed because I was more than tempted to buy whatever they had to offer. I was desperate. Oddly, I was more desperate to keep everything a secret. Mainly, I felt terrible shame that I was some moral failure. "People like me should be drinking like this?" I felt like I hadn't tried hard enough. I didn't understand anything about addiction. I just judged myself until drinking was the only thing to relieve my anxiety and depression. In keeping my secrets safe, I became sicker and more and more of a victim. I wanted to hide the addiction and the fact that I was in recovery. SHAME SHAME SHAME.

When I finally got to treatment, I felt like I needed to do something in my soul about the stigma of alcoholism and addiction. I remember putting so much pressure on myself about sharing my message of what had happened to me. What I focused on is what I was going to tell my co-workers after such a long absence from work. I told my counselor "I don't want to tell them all everything. I don't feel like I need to be some beacon of addiction education." The main reason I felt this way is because a few of my co-workers are extremely judgmental. I just didn't think I could handle what other people thought of me. That whole "you are loser" started slipping right in. I wrote another blog entry about how I ultimately got past that one.

As my recovery continued, I really did want to share my story. I have two of the highest stigmatized  issues these days - Mental Health Issues & Addiction. Please note, I don't use the "I suffer from" in this discussion. "I suffer" means that I am victim. I have enough issues going on in my life, I don't need to be feeling sorry for myself or lamenting about something I can't change. I got it and I am dealing with it the best that I can. When I first started posting this blog, I did lose some "acquaintances" over it. I would say about 99% reacted more positively than I could ever image. People have asked some really intense questions, have shared their own personal stories of struggles and success and mostly, I think people are just seeing what it's like in the day of a recovering alcoholic with depression issues, aka, me.

Now, my doing all of this, I am in complete violation of AA anonymity promise. Senator Hughes' comment above is what got me thinking about this blog entry. Getting a new message out there seems to be what a majority of my life is about now. I feel a passion to educate and make people aware of a very silent disease that costs society billions every year and destroys the individual and everyone around them. I don't want people to have to suffer as long as I did before getting help. I would love to educate the family and friends of those in addiction. This education is not to provide excuses, but to arm everyone, the addict included with everything to lead a better life. A sober life. 

Of course, I am quite realistic that I won't be able to change the world. But I want to! I hope that the education I am receiving right now along with my personal experience will give me what I need to be able to educate others about what addiction really is all about. I think one of the first place I would like to start is in the healthcare. I am really astounded to hear all the stereotypical bashing of addicts and alcoholics. The whole tone of the conversation changes when they see "alcohol dependence" even if the person has not taken in a drink in years. 

Anyway, I am glad that I have some passion these days because I need all the energy I can have to get through all this work and school!! 

Peace out!
XOXOX

I was having a conversation with my new boss about 2 weeks ago. We got talking about how I came to learn the position that I am in. I answered honestly - basically by getting yelled at by everyone. Back when I first started, I felt like my whole world was going to fall apart when I was getting feedback like that. I would even get to the point of tears at time. I just assumed that if they had anything to say, that meant I was totally incompetent. That is pretty much how I had reacted to any criticism for the previous 10-15 years. I made the comment to her “Well, my ego doesn’t allow me to care so much about the yelling anymore….”

It sounded kind of weird coming out of my mouth. I know what I meant by that. Since I finally embraced my sobriety, I am able to take criticism now. I have stopped getting hung up on being perfect. I am human, I make mistakes. Every single person in the world has made a mistake or two. Furthermore, when people start getting heated by something, it is easier for me to say, OK, lesson learned, let’s move forward. I will do my best to pay attention in the future….blah blah blah. 

So, for the past couple of weeks and in the past couple blog entries, I don’t think that I was portraying this very well. I am starting to feel competitive and superior in ways to others. I have been complaining that I don’t think that school is very challenging. I have been talking about fellow classmates in a not so wonderful light. I have been focusing only on myself, how the world is affecting me, how work is affecting me, how life is effecting me. Ironically, when I was checking out my blog stats today, the #1 all-time most read entry in this blog is ME ME ME – Selfishness in Addiction. I read it this morning, yeah, I think I have a case of the “MEs”.

I have been kinda restless, not in a good mood, over dramatizing people, places and things. I have not been inclined to contact my therapist or my psychiatrist. I know all these moods and things have something to do with me. I have been super concerned with anything that applies to me and to me only. I haven’t been able to get outside of my own head. I am searching for reasons inside my own head to explain why I feel like I do. I now realize that I am feeling this way because I am stuck in my head. I am not seeing the greater possibilities here. I am not seeing or appreciating all that is good or going normally.

I took a quiz this last week. I had studied and was relatively confident in my performance. The grade was posted yesterday and, although I got an OK score, I was certainly expecting something different. The first thing I said to myself is “it’s the teacher’s fault. It’s easy to understand when she is talking about it but she obviously isn’t teaching well enough if I did this poorly on the quiz….” Let us take a minute here and pick this apart. Oh good God, where do I start:
1.      The teacher’s problem? Uh, no. Either the way I prepared for the quiz was not adequate or I don’t have a good understanding of the material. Teacher’s problem? I don’t think so.
2.      I actually improved my score by almost 10% points from the last quiz. Yes, I would like to do better, so let’s wait and see what the problems were. It was still more than a passing grade
3.      Not teaching well enough BECAUSE I did poorly? Oh boy, apparently I am omnipotent in my eyes. I should just be able to waltz in and get an A. This school isn’t that hard right? Maybe I didn’t want to eat my words that school is more challenging than I first thought.  Maybe I don’t want to admit that all my classmates are equally as talented because I disagreed with them on some other level about something totally different.
4.      Lastly, I thought (my reasonable brain) for a second that maybe I should make an appointment with the instructor to talk about the concepts that I am not getting. My not-so-reasonable mind jumps in with “it’s the instructors…..fault….not mine”. NO NO NO NO. Good God, get over yourself already. Perfection is unachievable – put your tail between your legs and ask for help.
Yikers, I am sure glad I am catching on to this now. I am leading myself down a not so wonderful path. I am doing it, me alone….Fortunately, the remedy is pretty easy. It’s time to start reading again. It’s time to hit a meeting and GET OUTSIDE OF MYSELF. Sitting inside my own head, convincing myself of my own perfectness, etc. is what help me achieve such an epic level of alcoholism. I guess I am learning my anxiety and depression can activate my ego too. Do you know what “they” (being mental health professionals) have to say about Narcissist? They are actually totally 100% self-conscious about themselves with 0 self-esteem and major depression. Hmmm….someone thinks they are better than everyone else, have everything everyone else wants? Not happy? Not surprised. I wouldn’t call myself a Narcissist just yet, but I was getting there!

One of the most important areas of my recovery is trying to stay outside of myself. I need to be connected with the world outside of me. I have decreased my praying and meditation (claiming that I am too tired, yet I will play Facebook games for an hour or two) which in turn has decreased my connection to my Higher Power. I think I was starting to substitute that fulfillment of life with my ego. It does not work. I know this from very deep and personal experience. As my ego starts to inflate, the less room I have for the things I need like relationships with God and friends/family. I suddenly cannot see what good and right. I am blinded by only that which is wrong or perceived to be wrong. 


Well, I refuse to live like that. So, I won’t. I will be praying to God today. I will admit that I am an alcoholic and I am powerless over alcohol. I will admit that I am not perfect. I will admit that I can’t do much about the future or the past. I will attempt to be in the present and be grateful I have the opportunities I do. As far as my next quiz goes, I think I will make an appointment with my instructor and see if she can help me get a better understanding of the material. Too bad my ego will be bruised. Ha! I hope it deflates to about ¼ of its current size.

Onward ho all! One day at a time….

XOXOX

I really hate the work "should". I used it all the time before I started DBT treatment. "I should know this" or "You should being do this", etc, etc. We would get called on it every time we tried to use it in the classroom especially when any of us would say, "I should have done this better".... I have been "shoulding" myself a lot lately. I should know what I want to do. I should be able to make a decision. I should have not written that last email. Ugh. Where is DBT class when I need it :)

Should is a very powerful word. To me it means that I had a different option and I choose the wrong one. "You should have considered.....you should have done...." Also, it is used a lot when giving advice whether I want it or not. "You should try doing this instead......You should be doing something else". I don't always mind it when people use the word when giving me advice. Probably because I do it all the time too. "You should look at it this way...."  More recently, it has come into my awareness that I am doing it to myself. A LOT. When I use this particular word with myself, I am not contemplating something, I am telling myself that I should know better, do more, make a decision, whatever. It's the most powerful and the most dangerous when I use it on myself.

Should always means a certain level of regret too. Most of the time when I am looking back on a situation, I can always come up with 10 different things that should have happened. Of course, whatever I selected as my choice was incorrect. Here is the part where it gets dangerous, I start to ruminate about how things would have played out had I made another decision. Now I am stuck in some past situation, thinking about stuff I never will know and wasting my time ignoring the present.

The plan of action against the "Shoulds" is to take a different stance on the past. I can look back and say "I don't like how I handled that situation." Instead of, "I should have said this or that", I need to look forward. If a similar situation arises, how would I like to handle it? I will start to make a tactical plan for the next time this arises. If I feel really bad about what happened or the situation spiraled out of control, I may need to do some step work. Get in there, admit I was wrong and move forward, knowing the next time, when emotions are running high, I need to step back before getting my foot stuck in my mouth.

This current situation that I am going through is an almost repeat of a situation in the past. I don't think I handled it very well because I let the annoyance and anger seep into every aspect of my life. I was mad and angry all the time and caught some verbal diarrhea when anyone would ask how things are going. My therapist worked with me, week after week, try to nudge me toward some level of acceptance. I agreed that if I could accept the circumstances, I would be more at peace. I tried and tried but I couldn't. I would start every session with "I should be able to do this!!!" The fact of the matter is I couldn't and wouldn't. I didn't need to be "shoulding" all over myself. Acceptance is a really hard thing and it takes daily effort to remain in a place of acceptance. I could not do that. That's not a character fault, I just felt very strongly and could not be accepting.

I guess it is up to me to be policing the "shoulds" around here. I am having a hard enough time not swearing!!! Now take away another favorite word? Both swearing and should need to be out of my vocabulary. As with anything, it takes practice and effort. Just right this minute I thought "I should figure out if I can be accepting." Either I am going to figure it out or I am not. There is no place to sit in between.

Anyway, need to starting studying for some mid-terms. Blogging is one of my favorite things to do to avoid studying. Naughty....

XOXOX

I would have to say that I have been doing a lot of reading since school has started. I remember in college and even in nursing school that I really didn't want to read much. I don't know if I am more interested in the subject or if being sober has allowed me to have an attention span greater than a 2 year old. Either way, I am really learning a lot of things about addiction, recovery and mental health. I guess that $400 I shelled out for books is worth it after all.

I think I had posted a blog about addition being considered a disease. In some ways, I don't like that because I believe people will not take any accountability for their actions. "I am sick, so deal with it." On the other hand, when I look at diseases like diabetes type 2, in which people's behaviors can play a role in developing and managing the disease, I can see obvious parallels. There is certainly a chronic state about this disease. There are very distinct behavior problems that erupt when addiction is present. Both diabetes and addiction need constant daily monitoring and behavioral interventions to change the course of the disease.

I think I have read about 10 different articles now about addiction as a disease. I found that most researchers feel the same way I do. The research is indicating a potential genetic component. The best anyone can estimate, it plays about a 40-60% role in the development of addiction. In the AA Big Book, addiction is defined as an allergy of the body. Alcoholics don't react the same way to alcohol. We literally can't stop at one. The mind becomes obsessed. There was some literature also suggesting that the reward center of our brains is hooked up wrong. We react incorrectly or exaggeratedly so to chemicals. I agree with all of it, actually.

I do think when I entered into inpatient treatment, I was told that I had a disease. In fact, now that I think about it, I believe they compared it diabetes. Anyway, did that make any difference in my shame and anger? No, not really. I believed at some level I just lacked the willpower. It took me a long time to KNOW, I mean really ADMIT that I couldn't stop on my own. I knew I had a problem but I just thought I was never trying hard enough to quit. Then I would be in denial mode (also considered a part of the disease process) "I could stop if I wanted to but I love it. I don't want to stop."

I guess the question I am thinking about today, does it make a difference how we look at it? If I had to describe being an alcoholic, I would agree that there are some disease traits I experienced. Hiding bottles, disregarding family and friends concerns about my drinking, continuing to drink despite major consequences (i.e. divorce, loss of friend, having to frequently change jobs), doing things I would never had done had I been sober.....the list could go on for an eternity. Do I believe in the genetic component, yup. Do I believe there are environmental aspects at play? Yup. Does it make a difference in my recovery? Not really. In one of the articles I was just reading, it stated, yes you have a disease, why you have the disease doesn't matter, let's move forward and manage the disease. Asking how or why isn't going to do anyone any good. Bingo. I agree.

Calling addiction or alcoholism a disease in the 1930s was extremely profound. It made addiction less about the annoying, puking drunk standing in front of you. It was a disease, the only way to get better was to stop. In my experience as nurse, addiction has always been referenced as a disease process. I think I grew up with knowing it was a disease. But when it came to me personally? I didn't have a disease, I was a moron, a shame to myself and my family, pathetic, lacked willpower or common sense. I remember telling my intake coordinator, "I can tell you that YOU have a disease process but when it comes to me, I am just a fat, lazy stupid drunk". Harsh? Yes, but that is how I felt. We reviewed the fact that I have a disease, blah, blah. Didn't do much at the time to make me feel better.

I am wondering how other addict feel about this? Does it make any difference to you at all if you are considered a person with a disease? My first instinct was to say that I feel like it's a cop out to say I have a disease. My addict mind starts to think "Hooray! I have a disease, that's why I drunk drove and avoided seeing my friends. I have a condition! That's what I will tell everyone. It's not my fault, it's my DISEASE...." I do know at this point in my recovery, disease or not, if I don't go and try to make my wrongs right, I will have no quality of life. I would never experience a life without shame and guilt. I made horrible decisions and I hurt you. I am really sorry for MY ACTIONS, (not my disease's actions)."

Maybe it's the spiritual component that is throwing me for a loop. I doubt that my doctor would walk into the room and say, "well, you don't believe in God today. I am going to diagnose you with Atheism. Take 2 tablets of LSD twice a day until you see God." The American Society of Addiction Medicine came out earlier this spring and tried to identify this component in the disease process: a spiritual deficiency of sorts. Critics were pretty quick to jump on this. "Leave God out of" your disease model. If people need a relationship to God to get well, great, but not everyone does. So don't alienate your addicts out there by saying they are spiritually devoid as well.

Anyway, I am glad to know that this questions is every bit as complex as I perceived it to be. There are benefits to a disease model process. It explains some things. I suppose it could have helped me not feel totally insane when I couldn't stop. That is part of the disease process. But I really don't want to be absolved of my responsibility for my actions. But I have to be careful not to shame myself to death either....yup complex.

XOXOXOX

One of the main promises of AA is that we will be able to achieve a life worth living and sense of contentment that we have never known. I believe that I have just recently achieved this major part of my recovery. As I was sitting on patio tonight, I realized how good things are now. I just sat, happy, watching my cat, Duke, try to catch a smart spider. My other cat, Daisy sat at the doorway watching her brother, content to just be looking outside. It was a just a moment in time, not the first time I have been in this situation, but maybe just the first time I took a second to enjoy it. Life has changed. For the better for sure.

I had the honor of meeting and listening to a person who was attending an AA meeting for the first time. I will call him James. He looked broken, tears were welling up in his eyes. His body was tired and his soul was empty. He never really said any of that outright, but I know exactly how he felt. When it was his turn to talk, he was weeping. I did that too. The emotion is so overpowering but it is a moment of revelation. A lot of people never get to this point and end up dying from this disease. He did say he was relieved to see all sorts of people of different ages, backgrounds and different type of addicted people. A lot of folk attend AA that have meth or heroine addictions. NA and AA have the same premise. AA meetings just tend to me more available.

He was talking about how he expected to find a group of old men sitting around drinking coffee. That particular meeting is anything but! Yes, we have coffee, but men and women, teenagers and seniors alike all sit in the same room and support each other. We talk about good times and bad times. We laugh about who we used to be and how our lives have changed for the better. I am sure it would be a shock to find something so polar opposite as your expectations, hopefully in a good way. He continued to talk about how life had become too much and dying either a slow death via drinking or a quick death with a gunshot to the head seems a better option than getting sober. Oh, how I remember that feeling. It was such a terrible existence. No hope. Always in fear.

In addition to AA, however, I really have found a larger combination of all sorts of things have really made the difference in getting me where I am today. I have seen a few different pysch docs over the years. My very first one I don't think really cared. He would meet with me for 10 minutes. If I had issues, up my meds, if I didn't - see you back in week. $300 bill later. Ugh. When I needed to change my whole provider team because of insurance coverage, I see the resident MDs at the University. I have seen 3 different ones. The first one met with me for 2 hours and kept me somewhat stable during my initial attempts to quit drinking. The second one was nice, but not quite my style. He wanted to pediatric medicine and he is probably fabulous at it. The one I currently meet with is the one that I like the best. I like his approach and I always feel like I am really involved the final decision. Because of this really good dynamic, I think I am on the best medications to keep my depression and anxiety at bay. These are huge triggers for my drinking, so to have them only be in my life in a minimal way has kept this sobriety train moving in the right direction.

The biggest stride, I believe though, is getting over myself. It took me almost a year to stop believing what my thoughts were telling me. I find it so strange that I reverted into my head so much that I couldn't even believe what people outside of myself told me. "Julie, you are a giving person..." turned into "yeah, but if you knew what I piece of shit drunk I was....". "Julie, you are strong enough to get through this...." turned into "but I can't even not pick up a drink, I am weak-willed and a POS...." I wonder if James was feeling the same way when he was talking....To think, 2 years ago, I didn't know that I could tell my own thoughts to take a hike. I thought I really had to believe it. If I was thinking it, it must be true.

Along with this piece came acceptance. The fastest way to get out of my head was to accept that I was that person. I can do better. I have done better. I will continue to do better. I don't have to torture myself with replaying the past. There is no way to change it. If I am constantly bothered by it, I am going to practice and use my 7-9th steps of making amends. I believe the past pops up because of my guilt. But I can get through that and I will get through it. If I can stop drinking, I can pretty much do anything now. Will it be hard? Oh yes, but I think the temporary pain will certainly relieve the long-term annoyance. I can accept that I did all I could to rectify the past. I have to leave it in the past and keep facing forward.

Lastly, I believe that I owe my success to developing my spiritual side again. It has always been there, but I buried it deeply. The further I buried it, the more chaotic my life ended up being. I never used to believe people when they told me that. I used to feel it was some sort of weakness to need to be spiritual. It became something to hide behind. Whoa, did I ever get that one wrong. I have an inherent sense to do the right thing. Acting in a way that is doing the right thing is guided by spirituality. Spirituality is a way to fill the emptiness in my soul that I attempted to fill with alcohol. Once I allowed this part of me to bloom, wow, everything change again in the best way possible. Although AA has this large spirituality component, I believe I worked on this in my own way outside of AA. I think I cam to accept my Higher Power quicker than I got on board with the AA piece. I am just glad AA is there to remind me to stay true to that piece of me and be grateful for it.

I sure hope that James found some peace. It looked like he might have gone to get a sponsor which is awesome. It's hard enough just getting to the first meeting. Whatever it is that clicks with some people, hitting bottom or whatever, suddenly we become willing to do anything to get better. Sucking up our egos, letting go of judgments and reaching out for help are the first steps. I cried like a baby in my first meeting in treatment. No matter what I couldn't turn off the faucet. I think there was very little sadness there. I would identify those feelings with relief, fear, relief, shame, guilt and maybe a little hope thrown in there. James had a hard time stopping the tears once he started speaking. I just wanted to lean over and say "I get it. It's gonna be OK." In hindsight, I wish I had, but my instincts told me to hang back. This is his journey now. His sponsor is going to be the one to tell him he is going to be OK and have the path to show him.

Anyway, I have been just feeling calm, cool and collected for the past few weeks. Lots of happiness and joy right now. I hope this sticks around once I start school! :) I love school. I can't wait. About 10 more days and I will embark on the newest adventure in sobriety. My goal being, to have a way to make treatment and sobriety available to all those in needs. Be a part of the solution and not the problem anymore.

Thanks to all those who have been linking my blog to theirs!! I really appreciate it! I don't comment very often, but know that I read yours as well. :)

XOXOXO

Life has really become a delicate balance of trusting that the greater universe is making happen what needs to happen while also trying to actively engaging in change. There are some situations in life that I can easily look at and say "well, that's just the way things need to happen..." Usually these things are the easier situations in life. Maybe the hardest situations being those in which I experience some disappointment, but no real disruptions in life. The more difficult ones are the situations that feel unfair and become disruptive. It only seems well after the situation has past that I can see how the greater role plays out to get me to where I need to be.

In my efforts to be more mindful these days, I am really trying to approach life in general as, "whatever will be will be..." I think I have taken an active enough role in changing my thoughts and thinking that I can really be allowed to get let things progress in the way that they were meant to be. It's been a struggle, no doubt. There are people, places and things that make it so hard to just say "hey, let's let this play out and see where it lands....". My struggles with guilt also seem to sneak in during these times. I feel like I SHOULD be doing something or offering suggestions or try and take control. Ugh, I know exactly where this lands me - feeling lost, out of control and frustrated. On the flip side of the coin, though, it is hard to get to that point of acceptance and say "well, this sucks, but their must be a greater purpose here".

This next phase of my journey is going to have a lot of these struggles. I just hope that I have practiced enough to be able to see what I need to see and experience what I need to experience. This part of my recovery is so different than my first 2 years. I felt like I was always having to fight in those first 2 years. I was fighting urges, dreams, thoughts, memories, stress, apathy, depression, anxiety, change. It was just one thing after another and most of the time, many things all at once. Now that things have evened out some, I feel like I have turned a corner of some sort. It's a good one, it just really different. In case people have gathered from my previous blogs, I don't like change all that much. I am glad, on some level though, that I don't need to have a battle. I think I have been creating some battles within myself just because I have become accustom to it. My therapist, along with others in my care team keep telling me that I am doing well. I believe that, just not all the time. Creating mountains out of mole hills in an effort to keep the norm.....sigh....

I went to a friend's wedding yesterday. I was really excited to go, mainly, because I knew there were going to be quite a few people there that I hadn't seen in so many years. I really had a blast. There was no social anxiety, there was no craving for alcohol, there were many laughs and new memories created. I felt good and confident in the person I have become. It was such a change. I was quite scared to go. The last time I saw a lot of these people, I was still married and was drinking so heavily. What if I didn't remember being a total jerk to them? What if they really don't like me because of who I was? So, my brain starts moving in the wrong direction. I jumped into my "OPPOSITE TO EMOTION ACTION". I started feeling fear, I looked in the mirror and said, whatever will be will be. Take a shower and get your ass moving, don't forget their card and let's do this. Ironically, I got terribly lost and ran into someone else that got lost going to the wedding. They figured it out and I was able to follow them. I never would have figured that out. See? The greater universe at play. I was meant to be there, I looked fear in the eye and said too bad, I am on my way.

It just dawned on me that having control in a situation while having the greater universe at play can actually co-exist too! I was really thinking that these two things were quite separate and could not coexist. Well, there you have it, they can. I got myself rolling and the universe took care of the rest. What a day!

In 4 days I will be celebrating my 2 years. In 3 weeks, I will be starting grad school. In 2 years I will be a counselor. Wow, 4 years ago, all I wanted to do was die. What was I thinking? Life is good to be buried under ground! :)

XOXOX

I Am A Nurse
In the fall of 2010, I was sitting in a circle with my fellow outpatient alcoholics and addicts. It was my graduation day. I was really excited and I was hoping to hear some nice things from all the people with whom I had spent the past several months processing my life on a daily basis. Usually when people graduate from these programs, I like to talk about how inspirational the person was to our group or how their honesty is something that we should try to achieve. Instead, I was a little disheartened and saddened when two people in a row  told me that I needed to find out more about myself because nursing isn't the only thing in life. They told me I relied on being a nurse and my only identity in life far too much. Of course I did, it was the only thing at that point that I was good at or could be proud of.

When I first started taking anti-depressants in 2004 as my nursing school was coming to an end, I felt like I was some sort of failure because I shouldn't be a nurse with anxiety problems or depression problems. In my mind, nurses are people who are tough and go-getters. Nurses know how to take care of people and thus know how to take care of themselves. They are educated in living better lives. We know what makes people sick and what doesn't. I held all nurses on the highest pedestal because of the nature of the work nursing is. I held myself to this standard as well and always fell short, in my own mind, because I was a drinking, smoking, stressed out, overweight, depressed 20 something with a life falling apart.

I remember commenting to my Mom when I got out of my inpatient treatment, "you would not believe how many other nurses were in there with me." It was my Mom's friend who actually reminded me, "nurses are just people. You were in treatment with other people who happen to be nurses". Likewise, I was also reminded that those who are in care-taking professions often have the least clue about taking care of themselves - case in point, me.

Because I carried this belief that nurses would know better and be above all of this, gave me an extra bag of shame to carry around. I have watched people die from alcohol-related complications, I have watched family members drive themselves crazy with guilt and shame about not being able to care for their loved one. I preached to the patients and the family members the same that taking care of ourselves is the only way to get through situations. Get some help, talk to a therapist, talk to our social worker, get hooked up with community support groups. I could dish it and dish it, but when the same advice was given to me? Nope. Not a chance.

The main reason I forced my identity to be only that of a nurse and nothing else is because I was really behind the 8 ball when it came to knowing anything about myself. I was good at being a nurse. I took good care of my people. Others had good feedback about me, give or take. I graduated with honors from my program. It felt like it was the only good thing about me. People seemed to respect me when I said I am a nurse. Also, I felt like people instantly respected me when I wore my uniforms around. It was the only time I had a sense of pride.

It was a dangerous place for me to only have nursing as my sole aspect of me. I started to believe that the responsibility of everything was mine. I never micromanaged people, mainly because they would not have listened, but I sure was loud and obnoxious about my feeling regarding the type of care they were giving. I started to believe that I was the only one capable of doing my job. I took on extra tasks and jobs because no one could do it better than me. When was I knocked off my high horse every do often, I would be absolutely devastated. Usually I would leave the job within the month.

Likewise, most of the positive feedback I got in my life at that point was from the people with whom I worked. Whether it was co-workers or my patients, I started to need to hear it all the time. If I wasn't complimented everyday for something, suddenly I was unappreciated. It was like I had an addiction to needing to hear things. I could never validate myself because of all of my shame I carried about being who I was when I wasn't there that I needed and desired everyone at my work to tell me I am great. As I am slowly learned now, true validation comes from within. I don't mind a compliment now and then, but I don't need it because I know I do good work. I love my patients and what I do. I do what I do, however, to give an internal satisfaction of knowing I made a difference in someone's life. I don't do it demanding you tell me exactly how super great I am.

I was so annoyed with my group that they didn't really say much to me other than I needed to find something else about myself. In hindsight, they were right about needing to find another identity. My favorite part of DBT class is when we started talking about our value system and what makes me, me. I read so intensely the  ideas given by my readings to figure out what I believed. Apparently, I have lots of different beliefs. Now, almost two years later, I have a much better handle on myself and what I believe. I do still carry a sense of pride being a nurse but it isn't the only thing about me anymore. I am a aunt. I am a friend. I am a concerned citizen. I am a volunteer.

I am proud to be a nurse. I am proud to say that I am a recovering alcoholic. These two things can coexist. I know that I am not the only nurse out there who wishes this addiction didn't get us. I know I am not the only nurse in recovery either. One of the area that I would like to possibly explore in grad school is working specifically with healthcare professional who need assistance with substance abuse. I just feel like being in this profession and having an addiction is not widely accepted. I believe that healthcare professionals carry extra shame about the behavior. Additionally, I think healthcare professionals need to learn a work/life balance that is really difficult when the demands on us are so high.

Thank you to my group in 2010 who annoyed me enough to pursue a new identity. I have one now, I made you guys proud!

I have been encouraged to write this for a while. Not better place than here. This is my goodbye letter to alcohol:


Dear Alcohol:

You have been the worse lover of my life. I have had some "not so hot" relationships in the past, but, you, you really take the cake. Do you remember when we first met? I was 15, at a house party. I got my first taste of you. I had thought about you long before this. I wanted to drink because I thought it would be a cool thing and give me the edge I needed to be a bad-ass. After I got my first taste of you, I was in love with you. I thought about you a lot of the time. You made me feel so confident and goofy. I was happy and funny. I could live without you for periods of time, but I couldn't wait to get my hands on you again.

Then, as the years went on, I thought about you more and more. When I finally got to the point when I could have you whenever I wanted, you took hold faster than I realized. You kept me isolated and somewhat happy. At least I didn't have to feel I guess. Somehow, I made it through college drinking almost everyday by my senior year. I guess I was lucky I was young, it would have been a shame to leave college with so little to go. You started to influence my abilities to work. You became a need now.

I really believed that I would outgrow you. I thought one day I would get sick of you. I just didn't. New stresses in my life, new social lives to create. I just couldn't get enough of you. Then I started to hide our relationship. I knew that others wouldn't approve if they knew what we had. I hid you in my crate of nylons in the back of the closet. I hid you in my backpack. At times, I had to hid you in my car. I still wanted and needed you. I was starting to choose you over everything.

I went back to nursing school and got away from you a little bit. By the end, however, your claws were in my brain and my body. My husband at the time found out the extent of our relationship. He wanted me to stop but even he was no match for you. I needed just 1 more year with you, to get over you. I needed to get a new job or new friends or a new car or buy a house. I had this life that I wanted. You just kept hanging around. I thought you were relieving all of my pain. Little did I know, you were just making it worse.

Once my divorced was finalized, you and I had it made. I didn't have to justify my relationship with you to anyone anymore. But the suddenly you stopped making me happy. You abused my mind, soul and body. You killed my spirit. I started thinking of suicide all the time. You made me cry, night after night. I woke up in the morning and still felt you. I even smelled of you. I wanted to die because of you. You had this unbelievable hold on my mind. I hear you whisper my name in the dead of night...."are you lonely, I know you, I care, just take me, it's OK, no one knows". All those lost hours of listening to you.....and 1 horrible night when I decided I would rather die. I overdosed on you and pills. 10 days in the psych ward and I still sugar coated our relationship.

I started to lose my life. You made me so physically ill. I couldn't eat anymore, but somehow I could still drink you. You bankrupted me financially. I had to change jobs because of our relationship. I became paranoid that people would find out about us. Some people picked up on our relationship and I banished them from my life. I continuously chose you. You convinced me that we were OK. For moments in time, you would help me stop shaking. You would take the edge off of my nerves. I could relax for a minute or two.

The morning I chose you leave you was so painful. I called my Mom at 6:00am on a cold, snowy February morning. She drove 80 miles to find me un-showered, unkempt, crying and embarrassed. There was no hiding now. There was no turning back. You and I were exposed. My Mom took me to the ER. It was 7:30 am I blew a 0.26 on the breathalyzer. I couldn't stop talking. I was swept away to the detox unit. I didn't know I could literally die without you. I knew emotionally I felt like I was dying without you, but physically, you could have killed me too.

 It took 5 days to detox from you. I had a questionable seizure. I fell. I couldn't go to the bathroom without assistance.  I was dehydrated, malnourished. I sat in the detox center, locked in like a caged animal. I wanted to get away from you so badly. Yet all I wanted to was go back to our old relationship. We could go back to the good times right? You could start making things better and more fun, right? I made a smart decision and went on to treatment from there.

I couldn't stop obsessing about you. I loved you and hated you at the same time. I thought of you every waking minute. You voice was so loud. There was no life without you. What was I thinking? And just like that, you crept back into my life. Your grip was even more powerful than before. You laughed at my weakness. You rejoiced in my sorrow. When I cried, my eyes stung from crying alcohol tears. I was no longer hydrated enough to produce tears. Even as you laughed at me, I still needed you. I couldn't get you out of my mind. Why would I stick around for the abuse? I had to reach out again to my Mom and friends. They were not happy when they found out I went back to you. They would do anything to help me stay away from you, but they will no longer tolerate you hanging around.

God had to step in. You were too powerful for me. He step up walls and barriers to keep you away. I wanted you back but everyone was telling me no. It was unhealthy to be together anymore. I just wanted you to take me away, just one last time. I wanted the opportunity to prove to people that you weren't lying to me. I could control you. I could have a life with you. Why didn't people understand what you had meant to me? You made my life so aggravating for the first year. I wanted you out, but I couldn't stop thinking about you!

Each day I am getting stronger of body, mind and will to stop your advances. You call from time to time now, but I don't pick up anymore. I have too much to lose now. I lost so much because of you - my pride, my self-respect, my brainpower, memories with family and friends. Although you provided immediate relief at times, I have better ways now. You should see the things I have done without you. It's amazing. I know you think that I am still weak and one day you will get me back. But you are not going to today. I said NO today, so take that.

I pray each day that your influence will continue to fade out of my life. I will never forget you, maybe one day I will  even forgive you, but life is just better without you. I can't do it anymore. Alcohol, you are the worst lover I ever had.

JT