Don't "Should" All Over Yourself

I really hate the work "should". I used it all the time before I started DBT treatment. "I should know this" or "You should being do this", etc, etc. We would get called on it every time we tried to use it in the classroom especially when any of us would say, "I should have done this better".... I have been "shoulding" myself a lot lately. I should know what I want to do. I should be able to make a decision. I should have not written that last email. Ugh. Where is DBT class when I need it :)

Should is a very powerful word. To me it means that I had a different option and I choose the wrong one. "You should have considered.....you should have done...." Also, it is used a lot when giving advice whether I want it or not. "You should try doing this instead......You should be doing something else". I don't always mind it when people use the word when giving me advice. Probably because I do it all the time too. "You should look at it this way...."  More recently, it has come into my awareness that I am doing it to myself. A LOT. When I use this particular word with myself, I am not contemplating something, I am telling myself that I should know better, do more, make a decision, whatever. It's the most powerful and the most dangerous when I use it on myself.

Should always means a certain level of regret too. Most of the time when I am looking back on a situation, I can always come up with 10 different things that should have happened. Of course, whatever I selected as my choice was incorrect. Here is the part where it gets dangerous, I start to ruminate about how things would have played out had I made another decision. Now I am stuck in some past situation, thinking about stuff I never will know and wasting my time ignoring the present.

The plan of action against the "Shoulds" is to take a different stance on the past. I can look back and say "I don't like how I handled that situation." Instead of, "I should have said this or that", I need to look forward. If a similar situation arises, how would I like to handle it? I will start to make a tactical plan for the next time this arises. If I feel really bad about what happened or the situation spiraled out of control, I may need to do some step work. Get in there, admit I was wrong and move forward, knowing the next time, when emotions are running high, I need to step back before getting my foot stuck in my mouth.

This current situation that I am going through is an almost repeat of a situation in the past. I don't think I handled it very well because I let the annoyance and anger seep into every aspect of my life. I was mad and angry all the time and caught some verbal diarrhea when anyone would ask how things are going. My therapist worked with me, week after week, try to nudge me toward some level of acceptance. I agreed that if I could accept the circumstances, I would be more at peace. I tried and tried but I couldn't. I would start every session with "I should be able to do this!!!" The fact of the matter is I couldn't and wouldn't. I didn't need to be "shoulding" all over myself. Acceptance is a really hard thing and it takes daily effort to remain in a place of acceptance. I could not do that. That's not a character fault, I just felt very strongly and could not be accepting.

I guess it is up to me to be policing the "shoulds" around here. I am having a hard enough time not swearing!!! Now take away another favorite word? Both swearing and should need to be out of my vocabulary. As with anything, it takes practice and effort. Just right this minute I thought "I should figure out if I can be accepting." Either I am going to figure it out or I am not. There is no place to sit in between.

Anyway, need to starting studying for some mid-terms. Blogging is one of my favorite things to do to avoid studying. Naughty....

XOXOX