I was having a conversation with my new boss about 2 weeks ago. We got talking about how I came to learn the position that I am in. I answered honestly - basically by getting yelled at by everyone. Back when I first started, I felt like my whole world was going to fall apart when I was getting feedback like that. I would even get to the point of tears at time. I just assumed that if they had anything to say, that meant I was totally incompetent. That is pretty much how I had reacted to any criticism for the previous 10-15 years. I made the comment to her “Well, my ego doesn’t allow me to care so much about the yelling anymore….”

It sounded kind of weird coming out of my mouth. I know what I meant by that. Since I finally embraced my sobriety, I am able to take criticism now. I have stopped getting hung up on being perfect. I am human, I make mistakes. Every single person in the world has made a mistake or two. Furthermore, when people start getting heated by something, it is easier for me to say, OK, lesson learned, let’s move forward. I will do my best to pay attention in the future….blah blah blah. 

So, for the past couple of weeks and in the past couple blog entries, I don’t think that I was portraying this very well. I am starting to feel competitive and superior in ways to others. I have been complaining that I don’t think that school is very challenging. I have been talking about fellow classmates in a not so wonderful light. I have been focusing only on myself, how the world is affecting me, how work is affecting me, how life is effecting me. Ironically, when I was checking out my blog stats today, the #1 all-time most read entry in this blog is ME ME ME – Selfishness in Addiction. I read it this morning, yeah, I think I have a case of the “MEs”.

I have been kinda restless, not in a good mood, over dramatizing people, places and things. I have not been inclined to contact my therapist or my psychiatrist. I know all these moods and things have something to do with me. I have been super concerned with anything that applies to me and to me only. I haven’t been able to get outside of my own head. I am searching for reasons inside my own head to explain why I feel like I do. I now realize that I am feeling this way because I am stuck in my head. I am not seeing the greater possibilities here. I am not seeing or appreciating all that is good or going normally.

I took a quiz this last week. I had studied and was relatively confident in my performance. The grade was posted yesterday and, although I got an OK score, I was certainly expecting something different. The first thing I said to myself is “it’s the teacher’s fault. It’s easy to understand when she is talking about it but she obviously isn’t teaching well enough if I did this poorly on the quiz….” Let us take a minute here and pick this apart. Oh good God, where do I start:
1.      The teacher’s problem? Uh, no. Either the way I prepared for the quiz was not adequate or I don’t have a good understanding of the material. Teacher’s problem? I don’t think so.
2.      I actually improved my score by almost 10% points from the last quiz. Yes, I would like to do better, so let’s wait and see what the problems were. It was still more than a passing grade
3.      Not teaching well enough BECAUSE I did poorly? Oh boy, apparently I am omnipotent in my eyes. I should just be able to waltz in and get an A. This school isn’t that hard right? Maybe I didn’t want to eat my words that school is more challenging than I first thought.  Maybe I don’t want to admit that all my classmates are equally as talented because I disagreed with them on some other level about something totally different.
4.      Lastly, I thought (my reasonable brain) for a second that maybe I should make an appointment with the instructor to talk about the concepts that I am not getting. My not-so-reasonable mind jumps in with “it’s the instructors…..fault….not mine”. NO NO NO NO. Good God, get over yourself already. Perfection is unachievable – put your tail between your legs and ask for help.
Yikers, I am sure glad I am catching on to this now. I am leading myself down a not so wonderful path. I am doing it, me alone….Fortunately, the remedy is pretty easy. It’s time to start reading again. It’s time to hit a meeting and GET OUTSIDE OF MYSELF. Sitting inside my own head, convincing myself of my own perfectness, etc. is what help me achieve such an epic level of alcoholism. I guess I am learning my anxiety and depression can activate my ego too. Do you know what “they” (being mental health professionals) have to say about Narcissist? They are actually totally 100% self-conscious about themselves with 0 self-esteem and major depression. Hmmm….someone thinks they are better than everyone else, have everything everyone else wants? Not happy? Not surprised. I wouldn’t call myself a Narcissist just yet, but I was getting there!

One of the most important areas of my recovery is trying to stay outside of myself. I need to be connected with the world outside of me. I have decreased my praying and meditation (claiming that I am too tired, yet I will play Facebook games for an hour or two) which in turn has decreased my connection to my Higher Power. I think I was starting to substitute that fulfillment of life with my ego. It does not work. I know this from very deep and personal experience. As my ego starts to inflate, the less room I have for the things I need like relationships with God and friends/family. I suddenly cannot see what good and right. I am blinded by only that which is wrong or perceived to be wrong. 


Well, I refuse to live like that. So, I won’t. I will be praying to God today. I will admit that I am an alcoholic and I am powerless over alcohol. I will admit that I am not perfect. I will admit that I can’t do much about the future or the past. I will attempt to be in the present and be grateful I have the opportunities I do. As far as my next quiz goes, I think I will make an appointment with my instructor and see if she can help me get a better understanding of the material. Too bad my ego will be bruised. Ha! I hope it deflates to about ¼ of its current size.

Onward ho all! One day at a time….

XOXOX

I really hate the work "should". I used it all the time before I started DBT treatment. "I should know this" or "You should being do this", etc, etc. We would get called on it every time we tried to use it in the classroom especially when any of us would say, "I should have done this better".... I have been "shoulding" myself a lot lately. I should know what I want to do. I should be able to make a decision. I should have not written that last email. Ugh. Where is DBT class when I need it :)

Should is a very powerful word. To me it means that I had a different option and I choose the wrong one. "You should have considered.....you should have done...." Also, it is used a lot when giving advice whether I want it or not. "You should try doing this instead......You should be doing something else". I don't always mind it when people use the word when giving me advice. Probably because I do it all the time too. "You should look at it this way...."  More recently, it has come into my awareness that I am doing it to myself. A LOT. When I use this particular word with myself, I am not contemplating something, I am telling myself that I should know better, do more, make a decision, whatever. It's the most powerful and the most dangerous when I use it on myself.

Should always means a certain level of regret too. Most of the time when I am looking back on a situation, I can always come up with 10 different things that should have happened. Of course, whatever I selected as my choice was incorrect. Here is the part where it gets dangerous, I start to ruminate about how things would have played out had I made another decision. Now I am stuck in some past situation, thinking about stuff I never will know and wasting my time ignoring the present.

The plan of action against the "Shoulds" is to take a different stance on the past. I can look back and say "I don't like how I handled that situation." Instead of, "I should have said this or that", I need to look forward. If a similar situation arises, how would I like to handle it? I will start to make a tactical plan for the next time this arises. If I feel really bad about what happened or the situation spiraled out of control, I may need to do some step work. Get in there, admit I was wrong and move forward, knowing the next time, when emotions are running high, I need to step back before getting my foot stuck in my mouth.

This current situation that I am going through is an almost repeat of a situation in the past. I don't think I handled it very well because I let the annoyance and anger seep into every aspect of my life. I was mad and angry all the time and caught some verbal diarrhea when anyone would ask how things are going. My therapist worked with me, week after week, try to nudge me toward some level of acceptance. I agreed that if I could accept the circumstances, I would be more at peace. I tried and tried but I couldn't. I would start every session with "I should be able to do this!!!" The fact of the matter is I couldn't and wouldn't. I didn't need to be "shoulding" all over myself. Acceptance is a really hard thing and it takes daily effort to remain in a place of acceptance. I could not do that. That's not a character fault, I just felt very strongly and could not be accepting.

I guess it is up to me to be policing the "shoulds" around here. I am having a hard enough time not swearing!!! Now take away another favorite word? Both swearing and should need to be out of my vocabulary. As with anything, it takes practice and effort. Just right this minute I thought "I should figure out if I can be accepting." Either I am going to figure it out or I am not. There is no place to sit in between.

Anyway, need to starting studying for some mid-terms. Blogging is one of my favorite things to do to avoid studying. Naughty....

XOXOX