I was having a conversation with one of the clinical folks at my school. He does several presentations weekly about spirituality to newcomers to the AA/Al-non system. He told me that my Higher Power has always been working in my life, I was just too busy to notice when I was using. I think that to be pretty accurate. Today was one of those Higher Power moment. I think I was just getting too caught up in the future and my Higher Power found a sneaky way to get me back to the present.

With the change of the semesters coming up, it has been difficult to stay in the present. Today while I was in class, the presenter asked for 8 volunteers to do a family therapy demonstration. Normally I really don't like the conflict in these settings, but since these people were fellow students and we had some guidelines to run by, I thought it might not be so bad. I don't mind volunteering for most of the demonstration. It is part of the goals for myself to be more willing to stretch myself and put myself in uncomfortable situations. I picked a winner tonight!

So when we were outside of the classroom assigning relationships,etc, I got volunteered to be a therapist in this situation. I had no idea what I was really supposed to be doing, but I figured it would be like an individual therapy session to some degree and I can certainly hold my ground and at least ask some questions. Well, with a family of six sitting in front of me, my fellow classmates let it rip and started arguing with each other. I imagine this could be a pretty typical presentation in a family situation. The presenter didn't seem to be to concerned.

For the first time, I just had no idea what to do. When the group quieted down enough for the therapists to talk, I had no clue! There was this problem and that problem. Do I point out the relationship issues I am currently detecting. What the hell am I supposed to be doing??

Why I believe my Higher Power put me there at that moment, was to get me out of planning my life after school. I have been plugging along and I have pretty much my grades where I want them to be. I am excited to have this semester finished. I have lofty thoughts of what I want to do when this is all over. I look at jobs daily and do research about PhD programs or private practice. Well, guess what, I can dream and love the future all I want, but I need to be here, right now, to actually learn stuff!! I don't think I was getting arrogant to think that I know it all, I think I was depending on next semester to be more relevant to me right now. I am glad that my HP was able to sent me a little hint.

I have to admit that I was pretty proud of myself for not totally panicking in that situation. I grab a few people after the class and mentioned how uncomfortable I felt. They did too! Whew! When I said something in the class about this, the presenter told me that I was personalizing the awkwardness of the family. I think I actually disagree, I think I was feeling uncomfortable about not having the instinct to know what to do. I haven't spend any time learning about family therapy so this was coming out of left field as far as I was concerned.

I have also realized in the past two weeks, so much about this family dynamic. We talked to today about how an addict can disrupt the whole family system, so much so that the family system almost becomes dependent on the addict to stay sick. The patterns around the addict are just like the addicts pattern around the drug. I saw this very clearly in my clinical placement last week.

What I am still trying to grasp is how this situation is for the parents of an addict. I don't have children so this is just all speculation on my side. If I did have a child who became an addict, I think you could give me all the education in the world and I would probably still function in the same "save the person" role. It appears to be that the generation behind me is coming in with more opiate abuse along with benzodiazapine abuse as well. Alcohol will certainly kill, so I am not downplaying the struggles of alcohol addiction. But what remains different with the opiate and benzo population is that people are DYING. They are literally walking out the door, relapsing in 2-3 days and overdosing. I think parents of an addict tend to be very aware of that since all you have to do is open up the paper or watch the news and there is likely coverage on the topic.

So, as a parent, what do you do if you child is so wrapped up in benzos, meth and opiates and the addict doesn't quite grasp that this is a life or death situation. The chances of them dying on an overdose is HUGE right after treatment or 3-6 months of sobriety. Possibly the only reason they haven't died is because the parents are stepping in. Wouldn't you though, if this were your child? I would feel such empathy for parents if they expressed to me that they could not just "give up" on their child or see their child die because this time they were not their to save them.

What I know and understand of the addict side of things is that recovery is only possible if I have the right type of motivation. Whether this is internal or external, it doesn't really matter. Originally, I was externally motivated by the monitoring program - stay sober or lose your license. Since then I have become internally motivated to have a quality sober life, and so on. I was talking with a mother of addict recently and she was carrying the burden of all this child's anxiety and distress. I see an opportunity to start getting healthy by not taking on his emotional issues, but she looked me straight in the eye and told me there was no way she was going to set the boundaries that this program was suggesting. It was too much and she would feel too guilty to sit on the sidelines and watch him die. If he did die under her watch at least she would have the knowledge that she did everything possible to try to save him.

I think about her a lot since I have met her. I know what the "right" thing to say is. She is totally enmeshed with this kid. He is old enough to be on his own and make his decisions. She needs to step way back and let him hit his bottom without her assistance. She needs to kick him out of the house, etc. But looking at the pain in her eyes, it was hard to tell her what I know to be the way to get the addict to stop. What if she did do this? What would her life be all about if he got into recovery? If she doesn't find some form of recovery, she, herself, could be a huge relapse trigger. She is literally addicted to him. Let's look at the criteria for dependence to a substance:
1. Tolerance -  Parent become tolerant of their addict - "next time I am not going to bail him out of jail..." Next time comes, parents post bail. "I would never let him back in my house if he stole money...." He pawned all the jewelry and he still lives with you....
2. Withdrawal - The kid is in treatment and she is still calling him 3 times a day and she can't handle that he is having a difficult time in treatment. She is attempting to visit or call at every minute. If he calls another family member, she will contact the other family member for an update.
3. Larger Amount of Substance Used than Intended: A parent will "only search on the streets" until 9pm. Then 10pm rolls around...now it is midnight. "Tomorrow I am not going to do this.." Back out on the streets at 5pm.
4. Persistent or Unsuccessful Attempt to Stop or Reduce: Parents will promise other family members that they will not do certain rituals around the addict like searching for them on the streets. They do it anyway. The parents, like us addicts, yell, "I can't do this anymore!" yet we find ourselves back in the same spot the next day.
5. A Great Deal of Time is Spent Getting, Using or Recovering from Substance: Ever seen an addict's mother? She is totally exhausted, thinking 24 hours a day about what to do. There are sleepless night and panic attacks. There may be frequent trips to the ER or the doctor to manage anxiety.
6.Important Social, Occupational or Family obligations are reduced or given up because of the Substance: Ever heard of a parent losing their job because they were constantly calling in sick? What about the other children in that family, do you think they are getting quality time with the parents?
7. Use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by use: The parents might not know that hanging too close to the addict is causing all the problems or exacerbating the problems within the family construct. Once they are provided education though, they are aware that not changing their behavior as well can be detrimental.

I honestly think a lot of family member would not like to look at themselves as an addict in this situation since the addict has nearly destroyed their sanity. I find the whole concept to be very true. It is an interesting dynamic to contemplate. I am particularly interested in this topic now since I think the whole family needs treatment when there is addiction present. I have known alcoholism and addiction to be considered a family disease. I just don't think I ever fully understood to the extent this affects the family system.

Anywho, just had a lot of thoughts on the drive home. I still haven't titled this blog at this point. I am not sure I intended to right this entry with a purpose in mind. I will figure out something soon!

Good night all,

With this weekend retreat that I just completed, the concept of Beginner's Mind was very key. Our presenter wove this concept into just about everything we were doing without outright saying it. The retreat was about meditation mainly. I have to admit, I was a little surprise when we didn't actually meditate together. He taught us some hints and tips about how to sit and how to prepare to meditate. We had lots of candid conversations of our issues with meditation. Here are my issues:

1. I can never keep my mind quiet, I am always wondering and wandering
2. I have ringing in my ears and it seems louder when I try to meditate - makes it annoying so I stop
3. I kinda, sort of don't really believe that meditation does much, at least for me. I never feel like there is an enlightenment of any kind or a spiritual connection
4. I drink far too much caffeine and eat to much sugar to stay still

For all the reasons I mentioned above, I need to meditate. When people in the group were throwing out similar complaints and reasons, he just told us to keep an open mind. Really, we have nothing to lose by trying, right? I am not scared of meditation per se, but there is something that keeps me from it, like maybe it would help more than I expect it would. He mentioned to me that if I make that judgement call and close my mind to the idea, I am more likely to go out of my way to make it not work for me so that I am right. This statement sort of blew my mind. It really didn't have much to do about meditation at that point, it had something to do with how I run my life. 

I know, for a fact, I am 100% judgmental. In fact, when I was in DBT, we talked about judgmental thinking. It closes our minds to the possibilities. I was supposed to track my judgments for a week and report the following week what happened. One of my classmates went out and bought a clicker so she could count her judgments. She came back the following week and told the class that "this stupid ticker only went up to 999, I hit that in two days." I am so glad she was so honest. I'm sure I was right up there with her. This judgmental stance is a habit along with a defense mechanism. I use it to keep a distance between myself and others. I don't trust people right away and if they rub me the wrong way, I will make a judgment AND try everything in my power to justify that judgment. I am going out of my way to prove that I am right.

I am almost lost out on some really great friendships because of my judgments. I am grateful to those who broke this down and proved I was totally wrong. That is when my ego gets in the way or I put myself in a place of denial that I ever felt that way about the person. As far as the habit part of this goes, I am in a nasty, ugly habit of judging almost everything I see. Examples: I see an email from someone that I did something wrong at work - I assume they are a total idiot and I didn't do anything wrong. I sat in our group at the retreat and saw a younger person there, I assumed that she must be there because she was forced to go - this is for more mature people, not young adults. A person that I had relatively little contact with for several years came back into my life - a much happier/stable individual. I had assumed with instability as a personal disorder and her subsequent happiness to be BiPolar. Why do I never think "judge not lest ye be judged"?!?!

The concept of Beginner's Mind is to always remain in the non-expert mode of life. Never believe you know everything about anything because you close your mind to new possibilities. Judgments are such a huge way to close the mind to the world at large. I have now made my judgement of you, I have the final say, done! I am slowing realizing that I need some more work in this area. The habit is still a piece of it but I would have to say it is more to do with defenses. I am not always the most willing and open-minded person in areas of my life. Because I have opened my mind to recovery, I believe I am getting better there. Other places, not so much. I had a field day of judgments when I sat down in classes last semester. In my mind, I was picking out which people I might like, which people wouldn't make it and who I thought was too young to be there or not knowledgeable to be there. Holy cow, when did I become the admissions coordinator to the grad school?! Again, I nearly closed myself off from friends and study buddies because of this. I still find myself quite distant from my cohort. I don't like group projects and I don't like studying in groups. I get annoyed with easily and filled with judgments. 

I think I need to go back and do some more soul searching about judgments. I feel like I was more open and willing a year ago than I am today. My eyes were opened at this retreat. As I am moving forward in my career, I need to be able to bypass some of these judgments. I need to hold close to my heart that everyone is fighting a battle. Each person deserves respect and dignity. Interestingly, I was able to do this more the most part with my patients as a nurse. I have guiding ethical principles in my career and personally to never treat someone differently as a nurse even if I don't particularly care for them on a personal level. I am a nurse and I have a job to do and duties to perform. Every patient will get that from me. Maybe that is why I have so many personal judgments. They are all pent up from work....

All in all, I think my judgments lead me to believe that I am an expert in certain areas of life. This can be a dangerous position. If I already know everything there is and have an opinion about every last aspect of life, what more can I possibly learn. I am only 36 years old. I really know very little. I lived almost half of my years under the grips of alcoholism, I don't know that I was learning much about life other than to make it miserable for myself. I guess that is why I was interested in writing a blog. I have a long way in this journey and I was hoping by writing that I would discover more and learn something from my fellow bloggers and readers. I most certainly have which makes me think it is kinda lame to be so judgmental all the time (that was a judgment against myself by the way). But, like GI Joe said "knowing is 1/2 the battle". Time to do some working on willingness.

Keep a Beginner's Mind!