Oh boy, I tell ya, I never have a dull minute in this recovery process. So, I started my internship today and I adore it. We started our group by reading the 24 Hours A Day reading for September 4th. I believe the message was more about relying on a Higher Power to keep myself calm in most situations. Interesting, it talked about not becoming intolerant of people who do drink can drink normally. A few in the group were able to be more honest than I initially was being with myself about this piece of the reflection. Am I intolerant of my friends and family who can drink normally?

In short, that answer is a big fat YES. Now I know how my ex-husband felt when he would see that I had been drinking all day when he got home. He was intolerant of my drinking. I was fine with it. Now, I get annoyed when people pull out that bottle of wine for dinner. My God! Don't they know I am an alcoholic! I hate alcohol now! Get it away! Well, that is something I would hope that I believe but it really isn't. What I really mean is "I love alcohol, I miss it and I am jealous that you get to have it and I don't." So, my jealousy evolves into a resentment and my resentment turns into intolerance. More dangerously, it puts me in the position of being the victim. Danger! Danger!

Interestingly, I have smoked around people who have quit. I have no problem smoking. I admire the fact that they quit. (I am in a harm reduction phase in regards to this....2 cigarettes a day....getting there.) Anyway, people were tolerant of my drinking and I should be tolerant of their drinking too. I think the world starts to get very small for me when it comes to alcohol. I don't (I am 150% serious here), I don't know HOW you can just have a few sips of beer and then walk away. It's a travesty! It's a waste, hurry up with that glass of wine, it's time to order another. Since this is my personal view on this topic, I just assume the world around me feels the same way. Well, the fact of the matter is a majority of alcohol users are not abusers and addicts. Why should people have to act "special" around me because I am really mad I can't any???

I think I have successfully avoided all situations in the past 3 or years to not be around alcohol. On one level, I believe if it is around, I will just drink, I have no self-control. Hence, my house is alcohol free. My sister has beer at her house. I seem to be fine around that. So, what am I so afraid of?? It took me so damn long to get control over this disease, I am terrify my secret desire to partake in alcohol will override my ability not to do so. In the meantime, I think I have almost created a phobia for myself. I am completely terrified of being around alcohol at all. I don't think I have to be. I think my sober self is much stronger than that now. While I may want or desire a sip, I know better, I can't. I have created my own intolerance of uncomfortable feelings. That's what got me into addiction in the first place.....

The end of the reading of the day reminded me that I cannot be intolerant which is interesting time given my new extracurricular activity of dating. My profile is very aggressive about the non-alcohol piece. "I do not drink alcohol and I do not like to be around it....I don't want to be your sober cab and life cannot revolve around alcohol....if you social life is bars and dance clubs, I am not for you." I am starting to wonder to what extent I have scared away relatively normal people. I believe I do need to be honest, but should I be showing such an aggressiveness toward those who really do "socially" drink. My dating site seems to think I am intolerant and told me as much. "Consider changing your preferences to include 'social' drinking in order to attract more matches." I have been generally giving this the finger every time I read it. I want someone who doesn't drink. At all. I want them to do what I want them to do. What about people who drink 2 times per year? Could I not be around them? 2 days out of 365? Really? Who is intolerant? ME. And I guess today I realized it.

So, what to do, what to do? Is there anything to do? Can I remain intolerant? I could, but I may start to build a small world for myself if I am not willing to get outside of my comfort zone (within reason, of course. I don't need to "test" myself at the local liquor store). Can I reasonable sit and have a non alcoholic drink on a potential date in which the person across the table has one? Probably. Could I work on becoming more tolerant? Again, probably, but I like my view from up here where there is absolutely no temptation and I can talk all the AA I want without judgement. Well, fact of the matter is, liquor is legal and it's bound to be around at any function I go to. Hell, even church serves up some wine for breakfast!

Certainly something to give some thought to. No decisions are going to be made today. I am always amazed by the "readings of the day". Just went I don't think I have anything more to write about recovery, that little book, in the matter of 14 sentences, reminded me that the pendulum swung the other way and maybe a bit too far. The goal is to be center. As with most things, this will be easier said than done.

So, I am sure you are dying to know - I have been seeing someone for about a month now. Not sure what the future holds. My goal is to go out with a few other people before making any type of decisions. As of this point, very few people have yet to contact me. I am not surprised. No alcohol plus some snotty assumption on my side that I would be abused as the designated driver probably doesn't sit well with most folks. Ugh...Cindi, I know you are reading this so I think you are going to have to help me write a better profile :)

Peace out!

Super Cool....this last blog has really generated some very interesting conversations both on and offline about my topic of choice. I think I have even a clearer position on this whole ordeal. So, I have found people who have lost significant amounts of weight who make "carbs" or "sugar" the enemy. Ever heard a recovering alcoholic make alcohol the enemy? (If you have ever read this blog, than the answer is YES.) I have had relationships that felt like addictions in which I made the other person the enemy as well. How could this person possibly have any friends? I can stand up here in my alcohol-free world and tell you the horrors of alcohol just as a newly skinny person can tell me the sugar in my cheesecake is going straight to my hips. It's easy to sit on the other side and not understand why the person across the table doesn't see that my enemy should be their enemy too.

There were clearly two camps with regards to my argument in the last blog. First the "DAMN STRAIGHT - you stay away from alcohol and don't do anything that would put recovery at risk" folks. Then there were the "UMMM - you are never going to be able to do anything if someone around can't have a beer. You have the problem, not me..." people. I eluded to this in my previous entry as well. My world can get really small if I am only allowing myself to partake in certain activities. I have really wanted to go to a ballgame, but I used to drink at those so I have said no to invitations for that. I got invited to a football game, didn't want to go to that either because what if the people around me are drinking. My favorite band is in town, but I am not allowing myself that opportunity. Guess what this reminds me folks? Trying to live my life drinking all the time. I wouldn't go to any function in which I couldn't get wasted. In both cases, I am sitting at home, feeling a little sorry for myself that I "can't" participate in any of this.

Fear is getting the better of me here. I went out to dinner on Wednesday in which my guest ordered a beer. I ordered a diet soda and we talked for 3 hours straight. Was that beer on the table a distraction to me? No. Did I jump across the table to try to drink it? No. Someone spilled a beer in the elevator, did I jump to the ground and try to lick it up? No. This behavior is exactly what I am expecting of myself. Or I am assuming I am weak enough in my own recovery to not to be able to handle that. Well, guess what, I did. Not everyone in the world approached the alcohol the way I do. I just don't believe that I can exclude myself from so many experiences because of my problem. Being in recovery is about learning a new way to live without my substance of choice. I think it would be fun to go to a baseball game. I am thinking that I am totally capable of doing that. Who cares if the guy down the way is having a beer? My diet pop will be just fine, thank you very much.

I realized in going out on Wednesday that I was starting to shut down my world so much more than I really needed to. I still need to exercise some caution, no doubt. However, there is no need to make my scope so narrow because alcohol may or may not be present. The whole discussion in my last blog and this one were basically affirmed on Wednesday. I had this conversation with my date. He was also in agreement with me about creating a small world for myself or creating such a strict environment that I may act out with a sense of rebellion because I am quarantined to certain activities. I did share that my real issue with the whole deal is that I just miss being able to drink. For the most part, it is becoming a perfect way to throw myself a pity party. No wonder many of my evenings are spend alone. I was trying to live by a ridge set of rules. I couldn't even come up with any ideas of what to do other than clean my house and watch TV. Oddly, that was exactly the agenda when I was drinking.

I have really learned a lot in the past two weeks. I am going to be making the effort to reintroduce myself to some activities I have put on the "DO NOT DO" list. Not sure what that will exactly be at this moment. I am so dang busy with life right now, I may need to wait until the break to explore. In the meanwhile, I will continue to working on gaining more confidence in myself. I think I have denied myself a lot of credit. I have started to let fear be the guiding force. Remember what GI JOE used to say in our Saturday morning cartoons? "Knowing is half the battle...."

Peace peep....J