I wrote about being emotionally literate a few weeks ago. I am still on this topic in my mind. This past week, it became even more evident to me how essential understanding feelings and emotions can help me change my mood. After leaving my job, I was experiencing all sorts of feelings - sadness as there was a lot of people and things I like about that job, fear because what transpired to facilitate my departure was very scary to me, guilt for leaving my co-workers behind so suddenly, and frustration/anger at hearing what people were saying about me as a nurse without ever having a direct conversation with me about these events. 

While those feelings seemed to encompass everything that I was feeling, I still felt like there was something that I wasn’t addressing. I talked with various individuals who were incredibly supportive of my decisions and my actions. I worked through some DBT skills to keep my emotions in check and calm myself when fear got triggered in situations where it didn’t belong. I allowed myself to be angry and frustrated, knowing that these feelings were justified. So, why didn’t I feel any better? I was probably the nicest I had been to myself for a long time!! It dawned on me that I might be missing something.

I make no secret that I see a therapist. Right now, I see him every couple of weeks to once a month, depending on life circumstances. Some appointments, I am just checking in. Here’s what happened; here are the things that went well and not so well. Other times, I have a particular issue that I am seeking feedback on. And yet at different times, I come in with a whole load of stuff that I needed to give away. I forewarned my therapist about the events of the past couple of weeks. For one, I was indeed in fear, and it triggered a super irrational fear that I have held for years. It was starting to impact my daily life (I will write about this some other time). So, I plopped down on my favorite part of the couch and laid it all out there on Saturday. He was as speechless as others I have talked to have been. He offered support and validation that I was not incorrect and what others had to say about me was not necessarily accurate. I am entitled to my own feelings and perceptions.

Where things really took off for me was him asking me what I felt when I was alone at home. Was it fear, anxiety, depression, defeat? Oh, that word defeat. Yes! That was the feeling that I missed. I felt defeated. I told him that I thought this same way when things started to fall apart at the county. I was trying my most challenging, yet there were times when I was actively sabotaged or wholly ignored. My feelings about the situation were disregarded or downplayed. I vowed not to let myself get into this situation again. I think that was a tall order since I wasn’t in this situation a month ago. Everything changed over the past six weeks. While most of those changes were helpful, the last series of changes were detrimental to me. I was feeling defeated this week, asking myself, “why?”. Is there something wrong with me that makes it impossible for me to succeed at working at places long-term? Not necessarily, while I am by no means perfect, I also hold my integrity very tight, and the limitations of that integrity are firm. If I have to protect that which is of importance to me, I have to go. Some positions are more successful for me than others. This most recent position was quite successful until decisions were made that I had no control over. My protests went unacknowledged. I was told how I felt by people who were not present. The only person who gets to tell me how I feel is my therapist, and I pay him to do that!

So, why was a defeat so essential to recognize as a feeling. Simply, I know what I need to do to make myself feel better. Do something that makes me feel productive and worthwhile. For the first time in 18 months, I finally started painting and working on several projects that go abandoned so long ago. You have no idea how much installing a doorknob makes me feel empowered. I can also see the results of my work instantly. I am doing things I have never done before. All of the decisions are mine, and I get to do what I want! In the matter of 20 minutes at Menard’s, picking up some primer, I was already on my way to defeating the defeat in my life. Just like that, my mood has shifted to a different place that is much more tolerable than an absolute lack of desire to get out of bed.

Defeat is a powerful emotion for me. It lurks under the surface a lot of the time. Defeat will slowly undermine my self-confidence to the point of no longer feeling capable of making a decision. I let that feeling of defeat consume my life for over a year before I changed jobs. Nothing I could do was good enough. I was exhausted at playing the game of politics.  And, let’s no forget, the synonym to defeat…..failure. When the feeling of defeat isn’t addressed immediately, it will turn into thoughts of failure. I take my therapy time very seriously. I am not perfect, and there are things that I would like to change about myself. Other times, like now, I need someone outside of my experience to help me identify what I am feeling and how to move forward. And we did just that.

​So, after a pretty rough week, I am feeling back in the game. I passed my first quiz in pharmacology with 100%. I did all my homework on time. I got out on Saturday to be a part of life with my family. I am grateful for the significant shift in mood as I look to start my job search again. There is no shortage of nursing jobs out there. It is nice to have the opportunity to be selective.  
   
Thank you all for the support! Let’s get rid of defeat in our lives!

During the first semester of courses when I was going back for addictions counseling was a research course. I was pretty terrified about this course because, you know, math and things. I had an excellent instructor that broke down everything I really needed to do into smaller lessons. My the end of the semester, I only had to hit the "print" button and my project was done. The first part of the project was picking a topic. In my heart of hearts, I had hoped this project was an individual assignment because I had a specific area of interest I wanted to research. It was actually a group project. Even though I was the total newbie in the class (this was a 2nd semester class for a cohort group), I managed to convince them that my topic would be easy to conduct and experiment for and also to research. 

What I was interested in was the rise of social media and whether or not it helpful for hurtful to those in recovery. That was a little to abstract so we focus our projects on people's opinions regarding online meetings versus in person meetings. The results were pretty straight forward, those in recovery felt that in person meetings gave the best chance for sustained recovery and online meetings should only be used when traveling or no other option is available. I became aware very quickly that MN and WI have A LOT of meetings available. It might be easy for us to say in MN that an in-person meeting is always the best. We also have 100+ meetings going on every hour and about 1 mile from each other. I think some times we take that for granted. Anyway, the irony is watching everything go online and see how well a lot of people have adapted to meeting this way. 

I still remain curious about whether social media is helpful or hurtful. I see more arguing online in recovery groups about everything from politics to AA is horrible to treatment is just a money grab, etc. etc. I rarely get involved in those types of conversations because 90% of the time, it's just someone trolling to get a rise out of others. I find that annoying and also disrespectful. One reason I don't care for recovery and social media. On the flip side, however, I have connected with many people over the years by just posting the fact that I am sober. I also get a bulk of my traffic for this website from FB. So, no fear that I will be running away any time soon. In general, I feel that social media is part of my toolkit, whether it be a place to checkout for a while after a stressful day or to reach out to the few communities I trust on FB to talk about a bad day. 

Since 2014, I have spent a lot of time developing my relationship with technology and social media. What strikes me often is that most of the lives on Facebook and Instagram, etc., etc. are pretty fake. I post memes. I like to make people laugh. These posts make me laugh so I hope to share the joy. I filter the reality of my life on all my social media platforms with the exception of this blog where things are a bit more real. I was watching a documentary on Netflix about a murder in a suburban neighborhood in Colorado. It dawned on me how much the woman who was murder posted videos and pictures of this perfect life. As the story unfolded, the texts between friends and her husband were shown and things were not quite so rosy. I flashed back to the times when I was counseling in the jail. "Social Media is NOT REAL LIFE!!!" I used to get into some pretty interesting debates with my groups. The intrinsic desire to compare ourselves to others is well and alive scrolling through my 700+ friends. Sally just got engaged. Martha is pregnant. Joe bought a house. Melanie has the perfect children. Yeah, these are all the happy things that people like to post online. Most of us tend to shy away from things like screwing up at work. Having several bad days in a row. Talking about how stressful kids are. Talking about not wanting to get married even though everyone is exciting and loving your post. 

Over the years, I have developed this certain approach to social media. I know that algorithms are running constantly to "enhance my consumer experience" with focused advertising. I try to remind myself that I am the commodity here. My time and my clicks are worth millions to the right companies. So, I try to be selective in what I engage in while I am on social media. I have fallen away from most of the recovery oriented groups. I guess with 11,000+ addicts get together, the prospect of humility and comradery starts to regress. Again, trolls. I don't have time for it and I prefer in-person meetings anyway with people I will get a chance to meet and engage with in the long-term.    

As I was  scrolling through my feed tonight, I came across a few stories that were heartbreaking. A young lady who lost her life to cancer after a heroic battle. Another person posted the loss of grandparent while another one posted picture of her son for whom she will grieve forever after he was gone. I appreciated the somber messaging here for some reason tonight. We are all on a journey of some sort. We have all experienced losses and gains in life. Some part of the journey are hard and I have an extra appreciation for people who are willing to share that publicly. I find people are quick to like/love pictures of the kids and at the same time thing for 10 minutes about what emoji is appropriate for someone talking about struggles with a physical or mental illness. 

I am not exactly sure what the point of this entry is tonight. "The Journey" kept coming to my mind. We are all on one and very few will know all the details of it. Social media is one of those things that has divided us so terribly and in some cases, I have been made aware of journeys where I can be of support. Living in the gray has never been a strong suit of mine, yet here I am again, needing to see that not all things are black and white. Remaining flexible can ease the journey and releasing expectations of outcomes can calm the winds. It's not the easiest thing though. I can speak first hand about that. In that first year of recovery, I kept saying "If I could just see that in 5 years I was still sober and happy, then all of this would be so much easier." I could keep wishing for something I can't have or try my best to make the current moment productive/happy/satisfying, etc. 

Thank you all for the support from my last blog. I am taking a little time off for myself before I get back into the working world. I am getting settled into this quarter quite well. I am looking forward to cooler weather and the end of 2020 :)

Julie

I have hopped around to a lot of jobs over the years. It may not feel like that as I post things like "Happy 11th anniversary with transplant" or "I made it 5 years with WI." However, prior to 2009, in a span of 6 years, I held 11 different jobs, feeling like an 8 month stretch was so incredibly long in nursing. When I graduated with my masters, I held 3 positions in a year before joining the county where I stayed for 5 years. Even though my work history is much more stable now, I feel sensitive about job hopping. I try to keep in mind that between 2004-2009, I was drinking....a lot....and it was easier to change positions than have people express concern that I was too hungover to work. The minute someone made a comment in my general direction, I was out looking for a new job. 

So, I put in my notice with my current position this last week after completing 10 months. For reasons that I will not get into here, I know I am making a good decision. The sad part about all of it is all of these great co-worker/friends I have made at this job. I feel like I am abandoning them. Each person I have spoken with this week since I put in my notice have been the utmost supportive of me even if they wished I weren't actually leaving. My team understands my position and I hope to continue on these friendships beyond those walls. I suspect we will all make that effort.

I have no regrets about attempting to return to a nursing role in the field of chemical dependency treatment. What I have found, however, is that there are so many striking similarities here as I experienced previously as a counselor. I think there is a broader culture to addiction treatment that needs some work. While nursing offered me some distance from the most intense features of working with addiction, I could not escape the questioning of my skills and the validity of my perceptions. Sadly, this whole situation has nothing to do with my direct supervisor. She has actually been the reason to give it one more day and try again. The concerns I held with my previous position and now, this position are at a higher level where decisions are made with little input from the direct care staff. It's sad and frustrating.

One of my biggest professional worries is this: Will I ever be happy working? That sounds kinda weird given the fact that working is most of my life. At one point, I was "happily" (mostly) working three jobs about 2 years ago. Let me take you on a little history since getting sober of my work life. In 2014, I accepted a counseling position where I was interning. I was so nervous about getting a job, I jumped at the opportunity to take this part-time position. I still had the transplant position that could utilize me part-time. I adored my supervisor. I, however, did not adore some concerning things I was seeing and attempting to convey to my superiors. When my client jumped out a second story window during a psychotic break, I walked off the job. At 38 years old, I walked off my job for the first time. No notice. Nothing. 

I interviewed and found another position that seemed decent. I lasted in this position for 6 weeks before finding a hidden camera in my office and every email I sent was programmed to send a copy to the director. Again, I walked off because of the massive breach in ethics of taping sessions without my or the client's consent. I was hoping I hadn't started a new habit here. I returned to transplant full time while I was searching for a job. I struggled in the transplant office situation. The whole "nurses eat their young" was alive and well despite the fact I had been a nurse for over 10 years at that point. I was "just an LPN" and apparently "less than". I returned to the on-call position in 2015 which is the best of all worlds for my time with transplant. Working from home and working with some of the best people I know. In order to accommodate school, however, I had to step away. I miss it like hell and I am relieved to not have that stress. I struggle in the office world there.

I, then, started with the position in WI. About two years in, I really started to struggle again. Thus, about 2 years worth of entries about whether I was cut out for counseling. Was my recovery helpful or a hinderance? I had amazing co-workers and teams of people. I was offered a lot of different things in that job that I will never find again. If I wasn't happy here, what's next? I struggled to figure out if my unhappiness was a job related issue or a field related issue. It's a little clearer now, in that it was both. The support that I received from the upper levels was borderline abusive. I felt that some of these individuals were sicker than the people I was treating.  I feel like each of the positions I held in the chemical dependency field has these themes of those in the power position requiring complete and total control of everything. I see so much addictive behavior!!! Micromanagement, changing the rules to keep people at their mercy, sending inconsistent messaging so that the only person that is wrong is me and a total invalidation of my experiences/feelings. (I want to be clear, this is not my direct supervisor.)

My sincere hope is that I am not being over the top here. I just can't help but feel like the whole industry is plagued with this type of behavior. Am I just unlucky that I picked at least 4 different positions in which micromanagement and questioning of skill came to pass? Am I too quick to accept a position because I am worried about the next step. When I put in my notice in WI, I didn't have an idea of what I was going to be doing. I started interviewing around and was getting rejected pretty regularly because I was a very overqualified LPN. I heard "Um...you can come in, but I think you would be bored here." When I am now was the first interview where I felt comfortable. I had been out of direct nursing for along time (8+ years) and wasn't sure who was going to let me have a shot at it again. How could this position not be perfect? Treatment center + nursing. The best of both worlds right?

I am in this position again. I put in my notice without a plan in place. I can afford life without a job for 3 months. No way I will wait that long, however, I am a little panicked. The one person's opinion I wanted was my Mom's. I knew in talking with my Mom that she might tell me things that I might not totally like. Let me tell you, though, she has been through this with me about 100 times now. "I quit my job and found the newest, greatest position on the face of the earth!" Only for me to call 5 months later and say the exact same thing. She has encouraged me to slow down for a minute and take the time to find the next adventure. I have the luxury to do that right now. I have no shame in saying I need to listen to my mother. I may be an adult, but she knows me better than anyone out there. 

What I have learned about myself in recovery is that when I am angered by something or someone, I make fairly impulsive decisions to make changes which make me feel good. With all those jobs after graduating nursing school, I was always upset by someone or something and headed right out the door. Right now, as my Mom so eloquently put it, I am hot. I am mad. I am frustrated. I want to act to change that feeling by getting a job without much regard to my instincts about the fit of the opportunity to me. That didn't happen when I interviewed where I am today. I had time on my side and we were willing to wait for each other (I gave a 7 week notice and they hung in there for 2 months). 

Now I am in this sort of no man's land of "what should I do when I grow up?" I am in school. I know I want that RN. Half way there already! What do I want to do after all is said and done - work in a hospital? Go back to transplant full time? Work hospice? Find a teaching gig? Surprise myself and work in pediatrics? I just don't know. I don't live in that grey area very well all the time. I work hard to and I know it's something I need to have on my radar. It doesn't all need to be black and white just yet. Try to remain present. 

So, I am on a new adventure again! Wish me luck!

Julie