Dismayed

I have hopped around to a lot of jobs over the years. It may not feel like that as I post things like "Happy 11th anniversary with transplant" or "I made it 5 years with WI." However, prior to 2009, in a span of 6 years, I held 11 different jobs, feeling like an 8 month stretch was so incredibly long in nursing. When I graduated with my masters, I held 3 positions in a year before joining the county where I stayed for 5 years. Even though my work history is much more stable now, I feel sensitive about job hopping. I try to keep in mind that between 2004-2009, I was drinking....a lot....and it was easier to change positions than have people express concern that I was too hungover to work. The minute someone made a comment in my general direction, I was out looking for a new job. 

So, I put in my notice with my current position this last week after completing 10 months. For reasons that I will not get into here, I know I am making a good decision. The sad part about all of it is all of these great co-worker/friends I have made at this job. I feel like I am abandoning them. Each person I have spoken with this week since I put in my notice have been the utmost supportive of me even if they wished I weren't actually leaving. My team understands my position and I hope to continue on these friendships beyond those walls. I suspect we will all make that effort.

I have no regrets about attempting to return to a nursing role in the field of chemical dependency treatment. What I have found, however, is that there are so many striking similarities here as I experienced previously as a counselor. I think there is a broader culture to addiction treatment that needs some work. While nursing offered me some distance from the most intense features of working with addiction, I could not escape the questioning of my skills and the validity of my perceptions. Sadly, this whole situation has nothing to do with my direct supervisor. She has actually been the reason to give it one more day and try again. The concerns I held with my previous position and now, this position are at a higher level where decisions are made with little input from the direct care staff. It's sad and frustrating.

One of my biggest professional worries is this: Will I ever be happy working? That sounds kinda weird given the fact that working is most of my life. At one point, I was "happily" (mostly) working three jobs about 2 years ago. Let me take you on a little history since getting sober of my work life. In 2014, I accepted a counseling position where I was interning. I was so nervous about getting a job, I jumped at the opportunity to take this part-time position. I still had the transplant position that could utilize me part-time. I adored my supervisor. I, however, did not adore some concerning things I was seeing and attempting to convey to my superiors. When my client jumped out a second story window during a psychotic break, I walked off the job. At 38 years old, I walked off my job for the first time. No notice. Nothing. 

I interviewed and found another position that seemed decent. I lasted in this position for 6 weeks before finding a hidden camera in my office and every email I sent was programmed to send a copy to the director. Again, I walked off because of the massive breach in ethics of taping sessions without my or the client's consent. I was hoping I hadn't started a new habit here. I returned to transplant full time while I was searching for a job. I struggled in the transplant office situation. The whole "nurses eat their young" was alive and well despite the fact I had been a nurse for over 10 years at that point. I was "just an LPN" and apparently "less than". I returned to the on-call position in 2015 which is the best of all worlds for my time with transplant. Working from home and working with some of the best people I know. In order to accommodate school, however, I had to step away. I miss it like hell and I am relieved to not have that stress. I struggle in the office world there.

I, then, started with the position in WI. About two years in, I really started to struggle again. Thus, about 2 years worth of entries about whether I was cut out for counseling. Was my recovery helpful or a hinderance? I had amazing co-workers and teams of people. I was offered a lot of different things in that job that I will never find again. If I wasn't happy here, what's next? I struggled to figure out if my unhappiness was a job related issue or a field related issue. It's a little clearer now, in that it was both. The support that I received from the upper levels was borderline abusive. I felt that some of these individuals were sicker than the people I was treating.  I feel like each of the positions I held in the chemical dependency field has these themes of those in the power position requiring complete and total control of everything. I see so much addictive behavior!!! Micromanagement, changing the rules to keep people at their mercy, sending inconsistent messaging so that the only person that is wrong is me and a total invalidation of my experiences/feelings. (I want to be clear, this is not my direct supervisor.)

My sincere hope is that I am not being over the top here. I just can't help but feel like the whole industry is plagued with this type of behavior. Am I just unlucky that I picked at least 4 different positions in which micromanagement and questioning of skill came to pass? Am I too quick to accept a position because I am worried about the next step. When I put in my notice in WI, I didn't have an idea of what I was going to be doing. I started interviewing around and was getting rejected pretty regularly because I was a very overqualified LPN. I heard "Um...you can come in, but I think you would be bored here." When I am now was the first interview where I felt comfortable. I had been out of direct nursing for along time (8+ years) and wasn't sure who was going to let me have a shot at it again. How could this position not be perfect? Treatment center + nursing. The best of both worlds right?

I am in this position again. I put in my notice without a plan in place. I can afford life without a job for 3 months. No way I will wait that long, however, I am a little panicked. The one person's opinion I wanted was my Mom's. I knew in talking with my Mom that she might tell me things that I might not totally like. Let me tell you, though, she has been through this with me about 100 times now. "I quit my job and found the newest, greatest position on the face of the earth!" Only for me to call 5 months later and say the exact same thing. She has encouraged me to slow down for a minute and take the time to find the next adventure. I have the luxury to do that right now. I have no shame in saying I need to listen to my mother. I may be an adult, but she knows me better than anyone out there. 

What I have learned about myself in recovery is that when I am angered by something or someone, I make fairly impulsive decisions to make changes which make me feel good. With all those jobs after graduating nursing school, I was always upset by someone or something and headed right out the door. Right now, as my Mom so eloquently put it, I am hot. I am mad. I am frustrated. I want to act to change that feeling by getting a job without much regard to my instincts about the fit of the opportunity to me. That didn't happen when I interviewed where I am today. I had time on my side and we were willing to wait for each other (I gave a 7 week notice and they hung in there for 2 months). 

Now I am in this sort of no man's land of "what should I do when I grow up?" I am in school. I know I want that RN. Half way there already! What do I want to do after all is said and done - work in a hospital? Go back to transplant full time? Work hospice? Find a teaching gig? Surprise myself and work in pediatrics? I just don't know. I don't live in that grey area very well all the time. I work hard to and I know it's something I need to have on my radar. It doesn't all need to be black and white just yet. Try to remain present. 

So, I am on a new adventure again! Wish me luck!

Julie