Photo by Sebin Thomas on Unsplash

It feels good to be writing again. I guess I need to be more aware that there is a therapeutic value to this process. I started my blog almost 10 years ago now. I wanted to share what it was like getting sober. It was challenging and exciting all at the same time. I was feeling motivated to share my story and my experiences with the world to hope that those suffering from addiction might feel like they are worth it too.

​In August, I will be celebrating 11 years of recovery. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I was ever going to get that far. I remember for the first 2 years, I would say, “please just let me know where I am in 5 years. If I am still sober, then I know this was all worth it.” Getting to five years was huge, and I was so excited. I couldn’t believe it. And, all of those tough times were VERY worth staying in recovery for. Most of the time, those hard times were not as tumultuous as being an active user. I didn’t feel that way at the time; however, as I got through those toughs days and learned that I could get through them, the pain of the feelings started to fade in intensity.

The following five years of recovery have been quite interesting. There were only a handful of times when I thought about really going back to drinking. I was always able to remind myself that I definitely have another drunk in me, just not sure that I have another recovery. For how far I had progressed in my using years, my death would be quick and very painful. Not only that, but also I had become a fierce advocate for recovery. I wouldn’t want my legacy to be that I died from a relapse on alcohol. Maybe that is a little selfish, but I have to say, whatever works to keep the “plug in the jug,” as we say in AA.

I think recovery changes over time. The initial years were basically learning how to function. I needed to learn how to socialize without alcohol. I needed to learn to communicate without alcohol. I needed to learn how to deal with emotions and thoughts in a reasonable manner. I needed to relearn how to live life. It was certainly a challenge. I, now, can’t see how I was living the way I was. I rarely ever feel like I am missing out on something because I am not drinking. I have chosen to not partake in some situations now and again. However, I was protected that which I hold most dear, which is my recovery. So whatever I missed? It’s A-OK with me that I did.

Once I got a handle on living life in a new way, I rode this wave of motivation to save the world from addiction! It was a decent thought, and I know I was not the only one who was feeling this way when we started studying to be addictions counselors. What I can say is that I was so incredibly grateful for my own recovery. I wanted to help other people find theirs if they were looking for it. Much like when I started nursing, there were all these ideas of what I would be able to accomplish. And, much like nursing, we can only do what we can do. We can’t force help on people. We can’t want something for them that they don’t want. I used to call it “Super Nurse Syndrome” when new nurses believed that they were the only ones capable of taking care of our patients. I had it for about a year and realized quickly that it’s a team effort. I don’t work 24 hours a day, and yet people are still alive when I return.

When it came to counseling, I thought I would have a better check on that syndrome. I did to a degree. I tried hard to remember that if I took credit for people’s successes, then I would have to take credit for the lapses and failures. It wasn’t my journey, after all. I was just a guide of sorts. I never quite learned out to fit that into the work I was doing. I can distance myself from nursing. I couldn’t distance myself enough in counseling. It nearly drove me crazy. I was despondent for that on a lot of levels. I had hoped for more out of the experience. I made some fantastic friends throughout my days in the field. I learned a lot about myself and the recovery process. I also know that my mental health is more than just about self-care. It’s about doing something I feel go at and productive at. I never got to feel that way with counseling.

As I came back to the nursing world, I jumped back into what kind of drove me nuts about myself in nursing. Frequently changing jobs. Since leaving counseling, I have had three jobs in about 18 months. Two of the situations were really unavoidable changes, in my opinion. It was for my safety and my scheduling needs that I needed to move on. All legitimate reasons. I keep trying to remind myself that when I was nursing while using, I was transferring jobs because I was close to being caught for drinking. I was also not doing such a great job, so before I could be confronted, I would leave. One job I got laid off from, which wasn’t my fault. They hired me thinking they were going to get a huge contract, and that contract never came through.

It makes me nervous as I am about to finish school about what my next steps are. I have less than 6 months of school, and I plan to take the boards immediately after I graduate. I have some ideas, and being in school has definitely spurred some old passions I had in my earlier career. I still think about continuing on for additional education so that I might be able to teach someday. I feel very drawn to that. As I look forward to the next level of my nursing career, whatever that may be, I feel like my recovery remains in a more vital place coming up on year 11. Since my mental and chemical health is so intertwined, I renew my efforts to focus on my mental health to ensure my chemical health.

I am an emotional person. I am a sensitive person. I am empathic to a fault. My compassion for others can drain all of my energy. As I look toward this next step, I want to be mindful of what I chose to do. I am always attracted to highly emotional positions. I live for the high of the great times and struggle with what to do with the low times. I wonder what the right path will be for me. I remain hopeful it will be more evident to me over the following months. I know that all of this work will be worth it. It always has been, even if the result wasn’t exactly what I expected.

I had a rough couple of weeks in terms of getting stuck on my own head. It is probably one of the most annoying things I can do to myself when a bit of depression hits. I remember having all of these super deep philosophical debates when I was in college with friends. I loved doing that! When it is me against me, though? Not so much. Down the rabbit hole, we shall go.....

There are always going to be times when I experience distorted thoughts, grief, loss, or depression. When I am struggling, sometimes I feel well enough to start using some skills to take care of myself. At other times, I just don't want to do anything. When I look at all the skills that I learned over the years, one of the most challenging was "COMPARISION." This skill comes out of the DBT world and is pretty specific in its application. I can tell you that I used it incorrectly in the past few weeks, and it got me nowhere. 

Comparing is what I think drives many people into a depressive state. Facebook would be my #1 example of causing significant distress in life if we don't carefully watch. I could look at the people who got married and started families and somehow coin myself a failure. I can look at where my high school, college, and graduate friends are now and think, "at least they have it together to be working in the field," or feeling like they have a better job. I taught most of my clients during my years of counseling about social media in general. It's not real. It is highly edited and photoshopped with gross omissions of the real story. As long as I can keep this frame of mind in place when I am looking, I generally am OK with social media. I can tell; however, there are times when I have been on too long.

After experiencing loss, I think it is natural to question things. On a semi-conscious level, I was taking down the list of good and bad things that have happened over the years. I started getting stuck about the way I have gone about things. I have been all over the place with my career. I have had difficulties with maintaining a consistent work history. It seems that I can only stick with something for about 5 years before I get restless again. While I can understand that none of this is necessarily bad, when I am in a more fragile state, that's all I can think about. The million "what if's" that could have taken life in a different direction. What if I hadn't gone out of state for school? What if I had majored in something else? What if I hadn't gotten married? What if I had been able to get sober sooner? This, unfortunately, is where comparing things gets me. The grass is greener on the other side. Then I get there, and I don't think it is all that green. Where's the next spot?

Comparing is supposed to be used in a totally different way as a skill to combat negative thinking patterns and depression. Comparing is not saying my experience is better or worse than anyone. For example: "I should just suck this up because children are starving everywhere, and at least you have a roof over your head and food." While that is true, I am certainly not going to be in a mood to do something about child hunger if I am constantly belittling my own experiences. It's not about right or wrong or too much or too little. Comparing is used to say things like, "I am doing better today than I was yesterday." "I put more effort into doing something this time around than the last time I was experiencing a downturn in mood." "12 years ago, I was not sober; today I am." It's more of an internal comparison. Any other use of it can be dangerous. And, comparing might not be the skill ever for some people. When comparing, it seems to be easier to compare the negative aspects of my reality and situation than it is to say, hey, one little thing IS better today. You ARE going to get better, little by little.

I got stuck in my head. Pretty significantly. I write this not to shame myself; instead, chalk up another lesson in the Julie Depression Episode Guidebook. In my early years of recovery, I learned that one of the foundational pieces to the recovery base is getting out of one's own head. That is why we do services. That is why we come together to talk to each other, whether it is about recovery or not. That is why we preach unity to hold each other up when those times become more intense. I think most addicts and alcoholics will tell you that being in their heads is a perilous place. All the reasons I need/have to relapse are right there. Self-esteem takes a hit because I have 1,200 reasons to give you on why I am not a good person or worthy of a bit of grace or forgiveness. Low self-esteem turned into the Regret Game, as I like to call it. The shoulda, woulda, coulda scenarios that will drive most people mad. That tumbles into seeking out more regrets about the path that life took. 

When I am in a better headspace, like now, I can easily see that going down that rabbit hole was never going to fix anything. I am now feeling like everything I have ever done has served a purpose, and it was meant to be. When my mood starts to decline, all of this can get easily tossed out the window. I did meet with my therapist, and he commented that I was truly stuck in my head. And that happens. And that is OK if I am willing to at least see that is what's going on. The answer is often much simpler for me than I have some new raging disorder that has rendered me non-functional. At the base of most of it is self-esteem. When I start to question things or start to lose passion in something, I start to compare. I start to second guess myself. I start listing out the reasons that I don't deserve what I have worked for. Part of that, in my opinion, is my addiction brain just testing the waters to see if there is a shot. Fortunately, I am coming up on 11 years of recovery soon, and I remain steadfast in pushing that temptation back. The next phase, I guess, is to learn not to firebomb my self-esteem instead. 

I think I came upon a perfect storm of complex feelings, justifiable sadness, and grief, along with the general stress of starting a new job, doing school, and working 2 jobs. I have to say I am pretty proud of coming around faster than I usually do. I was able to focus on some things that I could change and started turning myself toward the future instead of staring at the past I can't change. As weird as it feels, I did start saying a few nice things to myself. I do understand the power of my words.

Thanks to everyone that checked in on me. I have a few weeks of break from school now. I am working a lot; however, with the intention of socking away some money, so I don't have to work so much with this upcoming quarter. I am down to two quarters left to get this elusive RN done. I hope to take the boards ASAP when I am done and see what the future holds. As always, I have a lot of ideas.

Keep taking care of yourself and each other.
​J

When you think about it, we really don't have much choice other than to move forward in life. Time is always moving forward whether or not we want it to. There are times when I got stuck in the past or stuck in place; yet, time continued to move forward with or without me. The more time got ahead of me, the more miserable life seemed to be. I experienced this concept very clearly when I returned home from studying abroad for a year. I wanted life to be right where I left it - my friends, my life. I was shocked, saddened, and angry that life had moved entirely forward without me. I spent a year missing everything at home, only to find out that people still lived their lives and moved forward while I was gone. It was a concept that was profoundly changing for me. 

In my years of active use, I would become increasingly upset at the notion of life moving on while I was sitting at home doing nothing. I think I even had a therapist tell me at one point that I was the one that wasn't living life. There was no reason to carry all these resentments about other people moving on when I was not choosing to move forward with my own life. Very true, I agree. Also, moving forward with life doesn't seem as easy as it sounds. The first complexity is: How? How do I move forward? I clearly remember what I felt to be my biggest obstacle was financial. Money makes the world go around. How can I rebuild the life I want if I don't have any money? The other part of "how" is knowing what to do. How do I live life now? Does life actually have to change? Do I substitute what I lost, or do I learn to live without it? 

The second complexity, for me anyway, is feeling like I deserve to move forward. Because there are things I have clearly done wrong and people I have genuinely hurt, I feel a need to punish myself for a long time. Part of that punishment is keeping myself from being happy and content. I am not always convinced that I do that consciously. It has been a pattern that I have noticed more in the past few years. The pattern has been there for a long time; I am just coming into some level of awareness about it. I have been told, by more than one person, that the biggest challenge in my life is me. I was told this in a very blunt way in 2016. While I felt it was true, I didn't know (and still don't know) how to get out of my own way. Well, it is coming into clearer focus. It's this whole conundrum of whether I "get to" or "should"' move forward. Have I punished myself sufficiently yet for the past? Have I felt enough guilt? The biggest question: If I do move on from my mistakes and harm to others, does that mean I am no longer taking responsibility for my actions? Let me see if I can explain this concept a little better.

I feel horrible about situation A. Situation A happened over 10 years ago. If I let it go, I feel like I am taking the easy way out. I am just letting myself get away with bad behavior and bad actions. Oddly, if a friend or family member was explaining this exact situation, I would say, "Oh boy! You have suffered enough. The only way you would be taking the easy way out is if you didn't change your behavior or learn what you needed to learn!" I can't seem to grant myself the same opportunity/advice. That whole "letting go" part of recovery can be a challenge for me. In quiet times, I will have a memory of a time when I did something entirely stupid. Instead of maybe just saying, "Hey, brain, that happened a long time ago," I will get stuck jumping back to that time and experiencing the embarrassment or shame all over again for probably the 10,000th time. At times I wonder if the people who were involved in that situation even remember it. If they do, do they think about it as much as I do? 

At this point, I will experience my black and white thinking. For some reason, I developed this belief that once someone does wrong by another person, that is it. No forgiveness. Banishment for life. I was very quick to do with other's who I felt had wronged me. One mistake or bad day, my perception of them would change, and I didn't want anything to do with them anymore. I have lost a lot of relationships over the years for reasonably minor things. All of that was me. Because I reacted like this, I assume that others function this way. Therefore, there is no forgiveness for me. Nothing more moving forward. I feared that my mistake or error would forever alter the way people thought of me, and I would no longer be likable. 

I have spent lots of time trying to understand this pattern and break this belief of mine. I have no idea where I picked it up. It wasn't from my family because I did enough stupid things over the years, and they are still all talking to me. In fact, they all love me. I have had a few very close friends who have confronted me on things, accepted my apology, and still love me too. Yet, in the back of my mind, I question why they don't think of me as different or in a worse light? When push comes to shove, I don't like feeling like an idiot. I mean, really, who does? But, therein lies the problem: a mistake = I'm an idiot. That can't be accurate every single time I do something incorrectly.

I started a new job in May. I hate starting new jobs because I am not perfect at what I am doing out of the gates. Every job has a learning curve. I know that, but I hate it. The transition to this job was one of my rougher experiences, which is odd because I also picked up things quickly. I would absolutely lose my mind when I would make small errors (nothing life-threatening, of course). I found myself beating myself up and thinking, "this person thinks I am an idiot." I started getting myself so worried that I didn't even want to go to work. I did. But, I was anxious on my way in. Here is the kicker: none of the people I am working with right now care. They know that I am pretty new and don't know everything after a shift or two. They are all OK with walking me through tasks. What the heck is wrong with me?

I have distorted thinking. Let's be real; everyone has distorted thinking at times. My therapist tries to keep me more present when we talk about stuff like this. I tend to either want to have a diagnosis for why I feel so reactive and negative or want to know why the hell I think this way. A diagnosis is not going to change anything. What if it was called "Reactive Dysmorphic Syndrome"? Does that change anything? What if I could pinpoint that in 3rd grade at 12:32 pm this concept entered my mind because of a kickball incident. Does that change anything? No. What matters is I have developed this belief of "no forgiveness" or "no mercy" at some point. This same belief is causing me issues with developing the relationships I want. This belief is very strongly present right now. It is making an anxious mood wander into a more depressive territory.

What I took from therapy this week was a frank discussion about chronic low self-esteem. I am able to identify about 30% of the good things about myself and 150% of what is "wrong" with me. During my career years of counseling, my self-esteem took a hit. A huge hit, actually. I had hoped that once I left the field, this self-esteem stuff would fade away. It has to a certain extent. I don't feel like I am faking it when I am working in nursing. Either I know it, or I don't. School is showing I know my stuff. I didn't use to have a lot of negative thoughts about myself as a nurse. Now I do, and I don't know what happened. My distorted thinking has wandered into my professional life as a nurse. When I was getting sober, nursing was the only thing I had that I was still reasonably decent at. I was not a good daughter, I was not a good sister, I was not a good friend, I was not a good girlfriend, etc., etc. But, I was still an OK nurse. From 2015-2020, I was working transplant, and while I had frustrations at times, in general, I felt pretty damn competent. In fact, transplant was the only thing I felt good about for a long time.

The environment during my counseling years is obviously still with me. Maybe I have just become so accustomed to feeling bad about my work performance that I am creating a place in my brain to keep it alive. This idea that I need to suffer, whether for personal or professional reasons, is super frustrating. It's me standing in my own way about some expectation of repentance I can't achieve or won't let myself achieve. So back to, did I suffer enough? Did I beat myself up enough? Will people cast me aside for minor concerns? Yes. Yes. No. Intellectually I get this all 100%. My emotions are a little more stubborn. I can say that I am grateful to see the pattern and to see the thought distortions. I have done a lot of this work in the past around thought distortions. It's hard work and apparently also never done. Now that school is done for the quarter, I will be spending some time to see if I can get my thought process to reflect reality more accurately. 

I feel ready, though, to move forward and hopefully get out of my own way. I am feeling ready for some things to change right now. I am starting to get tired of spending all of this energy on things that don't really matter right now or in the bigger picture. I want to enjoy life more than I am allowing myself to right now. 

Give yourself a break today, for me, OK?
​Julie

Photo by Mike Labrum on Unsplash

I have really been struggling with writer's block for the past few months. I have probably started at least 20 different entries and just stopped a few paragraphs in, feeling lost about what I really wanted or needed to say. I am not usually a person short of words. However, at the moment, it feels like the cat has my tongue. As I was driving to work tonight, I felt compelled to speak a bit more about grief. It seems like the topic that is creating my writer's block, and hopefully, I can tell you why.

I completed my mental health nursing course for the quarter along with the clinical placement. I believe I was feeling a little triggered by both of these classes. I remember this happening when I was taking my graduate classes as well. Because mental health and addictions are so personal to me, it's difficult for me not to take things so personally or to back up and look at things from a clinician's perspective. It was a much-improved experience this time around. When I was in LPN school, we had a guy in my clinical setting that refused to believe that mental health existed. He felt that everyone was acting, being lazy, or just being stupid. A good friend of mine spoke about her experiences, and he was insulting with his response. I took that class and clinical back in 2003. Fast forward 18 years, and there is a great deal more understanding and compassion about mental health and more about addiction.

Being triggered isn't the worst thing in the world. In fact, that is what I spent the first five years of my recovery figuring out. What are my triggers? Once I know them, how do I deal with them? As I am coming up on 11 years of recovery in August, I would have to say my work and investment in this topic were worthwhile. I can still be surprised from time to time about things that trigger me. I really wasn't expecting this class to be an issue. I think it has more to do with the timing. Had I took this last quarter as planned, I don't think it would have affected me the way it did this quarter. Why you ask? Loss. Grief. 

One of the topics that we covered was about grief and loss. Apparently, we are predictable to a certain point. There are stages of grieving, and specific behaviors indicate the stage of grief someone is in. It is fluid. A person can go back and forth between the phases. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Seems pretty simple, right? "I can't or won't believe it." Then, "I am super mad about it, and someone or something needs to be held accountable." Moving on to "Well, if I can get something to change, I will change or give up something." Well, that didn't work, so we move onto "My life will never go on. I can't do this. I am too upset to function." Lastly, we accept the world as it is now. We may never stop feeling sadness or anger; however, we know that whatever we are grieving is now gone, and we will need to find a different way through life.

The year 2021 has been full of some very tragic losses. When I heard about what had happened to these individuals, my heart broke for the families, children, parents, siblings, friends, and colleagues. Because mental health and addiction played a role in some of these losses, I feel compelled to say something. But, I can't find the words or the right topic. Do I talk about mental health? Do I talk about addiction? Do I talk about grief? Will I be offending others by talking about what I know about these issues? Is my experience even relevant? How arrogant am I that my experience is even remotely close? As I was writing my other 20 entries, I started to ask these questions and got lost. I closed the post down and ultimately erased it.  

Here's what I know. Mental health is challenging. Addiction sucks. When I hear about the deaths of people I know related to either of these issues, I go through the stages of grief. I sort of stop in the depression place. Initially, I was in a bit of denial. There was just no way. I moved onto anger pretty quickly. Losses related to mental health and addiction make my blood boil. I know that dark, empty place of depression. I know what trauma feels like. I know the battle with alcohol and drugs. I feel this renewed desire to start counseling again. That was my motivation for going into it: To spare people this pain. At least from my vantage point, addiction and mental illness are painful at times. It takes a lot of work to find remission and stay in recovery. What about my brothers and sisters that didn't make it? I feel guilty. How did I make it through when the people who succumb to either felt stronger than me (from my perspective)? Although I understand some of it, I don't know how each individual is experiencing mental illness and addiction. If these were so easy to predict, we would be able to provide treatment that has more success rate than 50%. 

I think what it comes down to: I feel helpless with these most recent losses. I don't want to bury another friend. I don't want an amazing family I know to suffer this kind of loss. Was there something more I could have done? Is there something I could say or do now to make things better? Obviously, I have a lot of questions. And very few answers. These types of answers get into a more philosophical realm that will likely not provide much solace. So, I am feeling kinda stuck in this depression place of grief. I don't deny the losses or what contributed to the losses. I am done being angry at alcohol and stigma for the time being. That anger serves no purpose. I don't really bargain much because I just can't in this scenario. So, I am sad about these losses. I am sad for all of those who are closest to these individuals. I am sad that these individuals suffered the way they did. 

While acceptance isn't possible today, maybe acceptance will come as the days move forward. I know those who are experiencing the most grief are learning how life works now. It will never be the same. I wish it could be for them. I keep the family and friends in my heart, praying everyday for healing and comfort for them. I guess at the moment, that is what I can offer.

So, thank you all for hanging with me on this post. I am not sure that it makes sense, but I need to start writing again and I think getting some of this stuff out will help me to start moving forward again. 

​J