​I have had a few close friends ask me if I had relapsed since I seemed to have a couple of major issues going on in the past several months. I started thinking, hmmmm, why didn't I relapse. Not because I want to....just curious about why my mind didn't go down this path. My first thought "WHO CARES?? I didn't!". I just wanted to spend a little time dissecting something that went very right for a change!


There are times that I fantasize about alcohol playing a different role in my life - mainly a positive role.  I think maybe some day I could have the "glory" days back. However, I have really come to terms and maybe really accept that this will never be possible. Maybe even down deeper I know that I never really had any glory days with alcohol. I thought I enjoyed my time but in reality, the situation was far different. If I were to pick up a drink right now, the only feelings that come to mind are shame, guilt, annoyance, failure, sadness and hopelessness. I am not thinking that I would feel better, it would lift my spirits, etc. No matter how bad I felt in the past 2 months, taking a sip would feel 1,000x worse.


I had some really vivid using dreams about 3 weeks back. I woke up in a panic and feeling ashamed. Even in my dreams I wasn't having fun. Maybe these feelings and dreams are my subconscious battling it out while I get my beauty sleep. But even here now, I feel like my sober mind has control of the situation. If my addict mind were winning, I would wake up thinking, dang I was having some fun, let me try to relive that dream in reality and see what happens.


I am saddened that my school is on hold for the semester. If I drank, I would be out for 2 years. In MN the law states that drug and alcohol counselors must be free from substance abuse issued for 2 years or more. In the event of a relapse, the clock starts over and I would not be able to practice or attend school to practice for 2 years. My addict mind thought at times, well no one would need to know about it right? Well, I suppose but I have been trying to be honest in my daily activities and I think I would be so guilty and remorseful if I didn't turn myself in. Additionally, I still have my current career in which the public is entitled to a sober, competent nurse. I spend many years not being at my best and I had to claw my way out of the trenches to get here. Was that battle for nothing? Was I just faking it? Did I not mean what I said? A drink just isn't worth it.


I felt so depressed when my medications were not working correctly. When I was studying about the biology of addiction, I learned that the way the chemical interact with the brain create anxiety and depression. If I drank, I would feel more anxious and depressed AND feel guilty and hopeless and annoyed and worthless AND not have the opportunity to be a stimulating environment of school or work that make me happy. Nope, not desire to run down that road again. While I had indicated that I was having some suicidal ideation with the medication change, I was feeling perplexed by the thoughts since I am not interested in hurting myself or others. I am not interested in ending my life. I got things to do and places to be. If I introduce alcohol here, I would no longer be confused, I would starting planning the next steps. Again, this is not proving to be a reason to relapse.


I graduated after 33 months of intense monitoring from the nursing board. I am FREE! I can do whatever I want, right? I did my time. (Quite frankly, all I really want is a lemon poppy seed muffin....) I feared the day of my completion. In my mind, the only thing keeping me sober was this accountability. Right? Well, apparently not, it's been 10 days and there have been no trips to the local liquor store or the local bar. If I took that first drink, I would be obligated to report myself and go through the program all over again. That is what I would look forward to now that I am "free"....Yeah, I did my time and for that I am grateful. My new inspired goal is to never have to enroll again. Not drinking is pretty helpful there.


So, why else didn't I relapse? I don't drink because I love my niece, nephew and my whole immediately family. I want them to be proud of the life I am leading. I want to be a role model and I want to be there with them and for them. I don't drink because I don't want to feel lonely again. I like spending time alone but I am by no means lonely. I have a cell phone full of numbers and group of loving friends. I don't drink because I don't want to be sick and tired all the time. No doubt I am tired, but I am always tired. When I was drinking I was to the point of sleeping at my desk, unable to keep my eyes open with a throbbing headache. Yeah, that was no fun.


Most importantly, I don't drink anymore because my life depends on it. Since I am addicted to alcohol, I will never start back at the beginning. When addicts relapse, we manage to down further and faster than ever. I will die from alcohol if I drink again. I will either die from an overdose, an alcohol-induce psychosis that will lead to my death or some other unfortunate scenario of liver disease or drunk driving. Is any of this worth trying to decide if I can have my glory days back?


Back in the day, I feared accepting some of these facts. "It's so extreme....I am different....I make better decisions....." Nope. I have the disease of alcoholism. I am currently in full remission but I am still chemically dependent. I will remain in full remission as long as I do not pick up that first drink. That is my job and I did my job when the going got tough. I am proud that drinking never crossed my mind and I am even prouder that I can write this entry about why. Some days it's just as important to why things are working. It's working because I am making a daily commitment to my sobriety. The decision has become automatic in the morning. What more could I ask for?


Peace out!
J

A few months ago, I was having a discussion with a family member of a newly sober spouse. She was having a hard time understanding why he was acting the way that he was. He was as miserable as when he was drinking and he was irritable, cranky, annoyed and depressed. "Nothing has changed..." was her comment to me. Well, some things have changed but she is kinda right, the mood and outlook on life don't change immediately. It's call Post Acute Withdrawal (PAWs) and it will make a person think that their drug of choice HAS to be a better alternative to living like this. I went through PAWs three times, I get it.

On a chemical, neurological level, the brain has been altered by the introduction of a substance. I will stick with alcohol because I know this one best. Most substances including alcohol work on the dopamine in the brain. This is the brain chemical that makes us happy! So, most substances increase the amount of dompaine available in the brain, giving a "high/euphoria" that a person has never felt before. Without the substance a person would never feel like this because the brain is not wired to create dopamine levels this high. The first high is always the best because it is a virgin unaltered brain. With every subsequent use of the drug, the brain is trying to get itself back into homeostasis (somewhere in the middle). I introduce alcohol, I start getting high but my brain has already started to decrease the normal amount of dopamine made trying to get back to center. Hence, I am not as "high" as I was last time. Ever heard the "chasing the high"? It's true. Very very true.

So, what happens when we stop using. Well, although the brain has an amazing ability to repair, it takes time. After the initial phase of acute withdrawal is complete, the PAWs will start to set in. The brain literally feels like it is dying now because the dopamine levels are so low. I was irritable, cranky, annoyed, depressed, listless. I even said to myself in to my first 60 days of sobriety the first time around "Holy crap, if I am going to feel this bad, I should just drink, at least I had something to cope with.....". PAWs lasted for about 12 months for me. I have heard figures as low as 6 months and as long as 18 months for the brain to stabilize itself again. I suppose it does matter how long the use has been going on and what drugs were being used.

The first year of sobriety is a mine field because of PAWs. The brain is trying it's hardest to ramp up the chemicals again, the addict brain just has total free reign and a person like me who enjoys the immediate gratification of getting high has to figure out something else to do. I relapsed a total of 6 times in my first 6 months of trying to be sober. I had learned about PAWs in my first treatment but didn't give it much attention because I was feeling pretty decent and I was also taking antidepressants. In reality, my antidepressants didn't give me the full effect until after a year. I think they functioned as a weak bridge until I got to a year.

At six months of continued sobriety, I started DBT. I was amazed when I started because I was the only one with substance abuse issues. Others in the group suffered from anxiety, depression, bipolar, personality disorders. I connected with the depression and the anxiety folks pretty quickly. I have that as well. However, it only took about 2 sessions before I identified with every illness in that room. I felt like I was crazy at time. I forgot stuff all the time. It took me longer to respond in normal conversations. I felt like I was in a daze. Nothing felt fun or of interest. I was really irritable and snapped at people a lot of the time. DBT was exactly what I needed at that point to start to deal with these behaviors. In my individual DBT sessions, we really worked through these symptoms in the context of PAWs. It's expected, but that is not a license to go out and be a big jerk until my brain has returned to its normal state.

If you ever hear people in early recovery talk about 90 in 90 (90 meetings in 90 days), part of that is really related to the PAWs symptoms going on. People have greater success of staying sober if they are fully engaged in meetings and connecting with a fellowship. When I started reading the research around success post treatment, the 90 in 90 along with engagement with treatment services for 18 months increased the likelihood of sobriety at 1 year, 2 year and 5 year. Our current insurance situation does not really allow this to happen except for the 90 in 90. I believe that MN is one of the most active AA areas in the nation if not the world. We have a HUGE fellowship in MN. In fact, I can't tell you how many people have met at AA meetings who have moved from other states to MN to try to remain sober. I am spoiled, the network is vast and encompassing.

I was very privileged to have stay engaged in counseling, DBT and other services because of my nursing license and monitoring requirements. I wish that everyone would have the opportunity to engage in any services that would help support recovery including sober living, DBT, individual therapy, trauma services, mental health services, intensive long-term treatment. I played the lottery last week and decided that if I had won (which I did not...booooo) I would love to set up scholarship funds at treatment centers to give long-term treatment and support to all kinds of people, especially families. Well, I will keep playing the lottery about every 3 months like I normally do and hope someday that I can set something like this up!

Anyway, PAWs is real and it is probably the hardest time in recovery. I know it was for me. Fortunately, I am well past this point and had the opportunity to get through it with a lot of support.

Hope everyone had a good Memorial Day weekend. Bless all those who have been, are and will be in the armed forces. Thank you for your service.

Peace out