Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay ​

So, I am feeling a bit better than I was when I posted my last entry. Writing has proven to be an effective way for me to process complex issues. Most of the time, I don't really have an ending in mind when I start. I know I have a topic that I have been thinking about and start from there. This entry, however, I am not exactly sure where I am going. I kept hearing and seeing the message that today or this moment is all that we have. The past is the past. The future is unknown. I learned a lot about mindfulness and staying present. Both AA and DBT spend a great deal of time on these topics. The purpose of this topic for me was simplicity. 

Dragging the negative past with me complicates my current moment. Worrying about the future I can't know anything about distracts me from what is happening in front of me. I had to learn to leave the past in the past and stay out of the future. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule. The past is full of valuable lessons and experiences. There is no harm in reminiscing about that. Thinking about the future is important. I could develop any goals or plans if I didn't think about what needs to be done to get there. I think what becomes the challenge for me is not staying in the past or the future. I am much more likely to stay in the past than the future; however, I can easily be found in both depending on what I am thinking about.

When I think about my job and career, I am always forward thinking. What is the next goal? What is the next step? What's the next thing? The answer for the past 10 years has been education. I had a goal of getting my masters before 40, done. I decided to go back and finish my RN, done. I want to teach. so, back in school again with another master's degree to get where I feel like I want to go. I look forward to school which is so strange. My high school and undergrad educational experiences were much more about the social aspect. I did what I needed to do to keep a decent grad point average, but  really didn't have academia as my central focus. Starting with my LPN and forward, I figured out I was pretty good at school. I have been collecting degrees ever since then. I am not sure how long this next degree will take. I am pretty excited to get started in a few weeks and see where things go. 

In other areas of my life, things aren't always so clear. I have many positive aspects of my life - family and friends being a true highlight. I am often told that I don't always have the best balance in my life. Basically, I am too career heavy with working a little more than full-time and school. Honestly, school and work make me pretty happy. I enjoy being a nurse in the various roles I current hold. I don't foresee making any significant changes in the near future. While my ultimate goal is teaching, I need to get a few years of "RN" experience under my belt. The 18 years of "LPN" experience don't always count for much in certain cases. While this is all fine and good, I know that I am in need of something more than just a professional/educational life.

I think back to when I first got into recovery and people would ask me what I did for fun. Man, that was a hard question. The easiest (and true) answer was spending time with my nephew. I was a first time aunt and found great joy in that experience. Beyond that, though, I struggled to figure out what I did for fun. I can answer that question a little bit easier now (14 years later). I like crafting and doing projects. I like writing and reading. I like being with friends and family. What I think is so different between today and 12-14 years ago is that I was learning in my personal life. Everything was new and exciting. Whoa, values - cool, I have some, let's dive deeper. Did you know that I can take charge of my thoughts? So cool. I now get why my brain does some of the things that it does. WOW! 

To a certain degree, I have come to understand who I am as a person and as a person in recovery. I could argue that I have changed over time, therefore, my learning is never over on a personal front. That is true and I would hope for anyone reading that we constantly strive to learn more about ourselves over time. The learning I experience on a personal front these days isn't quite as stimulating as it once was. I am working to maintain and understand my present life. Back then, it was learning about what I was (an active alcoholic with significant mental health concerns) and what I could be (learning to live sober and figure out who I am). I have some to understand a lot about myself; yet I have this desire, almost yearning to be something different. Not better, just different. 

I felt this feeling/emptiness when I started in the counseling field. I felt like there was something bigger out there for me. I was really going to find it working in the field of recovery. Recovery was a huge thing and I truly felt that recovery as a career would take me to places I never could have imagined. I started out strong with doing a lot of public speaking, doing radio and even local cable access TV in WI. That slowly faded away and the path of counseling nearly drowned me. That was an incredible let down and I struggled with that disappointment for quite some time. Fortunately, I had school to keep me afloat knowing that my RN career would likely revitalize that feeling again.  It has for the most part as I hope to bring my RN and recovery careers together again via teaching, that feeling of "something bigger" is residing in my personal life now. 

I have no idea what this "thing" is. I guess I will have to continue to search internally to see what it is that I feel I want/need to do. As I write this entry, I feel like writing has something to do with it. I have toyed around with a book for a long time. I even started a book at one point. I get lost in which direction I want to go. I am good at talking, maybe I should do a podcast. Then I think that committing to either of these while I am in school yet again is more than I could do. Or, am I getting the message all wrong and I should just go out and do super fun things all the time. That is not is not a bad life to live either. I am uncertain. I hope by implementing mindfulness, maybe I can calm this busy mind enough to hear the calling or direction I should be heading. 

Thanks all for the support after my last entry. Know that I am OK and will be OK. 
Love,
​J

Image by Tumisu from Pixabay ​​​

If I remember correctly, I have touched on the subject of regrets here and there especially when it has come to making some big decisions about changing my life's direction. As I mentioned in my last blog, I try not to get stuck in regret because there is nothing I can really do to change what has happened. On some level, regret is healthy for me. If I feeling regretful about something, I find it important to know why. Was it something against my value system? Was it something impulsive? Did I spend enough time thinking about? Most importantly, did I not listen to myself when I had major doubts about that decision? Exploring regret can be important so I can learn what I need to learn from that situation.

Some situations, though, leave me feeling regretful about actions I did not take or parts of my life that I let pass by. These are the times I want to be careful about regret. Yes, learn something from it, but don't get stuck here. Well, for the past few weeks, I got "stuck there." "There" isn't super easy for me to define at the moment other than I know that I was hit upside the head with grief. In that grief, I started down the rabbit hole of regrets about words left unsaid, actions not taken, and honestly, just wondering why things happen. 

I met with my therapist because I knew I was getting stuck. If I stayed there much longer, I would probably be looking into a relapse of my depression. The depression I feel today is situational and at the same time a long-term thing. I lost my Dad at 14. I lost an amazing friend in 2004. I lost my marriage. I lost a major relationship. I lost another friend in 2021. And now one of my best friends in 2022. When a new loss comes down the pike, I feel like the loss and pain from all of these other situations comes flying back leaving me wonder if I hadn't dealt with previously. Is that why the compounding grief has returned? Or is this just the deal?

So my therapist asked me a month ago, "what is your goal with grief?" I spun on that question for a few weeks. Is there a goal to be had? After weeks so stewing on it, he tells me that there really isn't a "goal" to strive for because loss changes life. If there is goal, it might be to learn to live with grief and not fight it every time it surfaces. Maybe I just don't know how to live with grief. I've said it before and I will say it again, I don't understand grief. I don't get these feelings and what I am supposed to do with them. I cry. I don't feel better. I think of the happier times; I end up getting kind of mad. When I think of those times, that it what I want right now. I want that person with me. Here. Now. Then these feelings would go away. That, sadly, is not the reality, so I am in place to figure out how to "accept" all of this.

Acceptance was likely the most powerful thing that happened to me when I was getting sober. I had to accept that life was going to be different now. I had to accept that some things I destroyed were no longer fixable. I had to accept that a different life was needed. I needed to accept change. Although it was hard and scary, acceptance became less scary and even helpful when I saw the number of positive changes that were occurring in my life because I finally accepted that I can't drink normally. I will never drink normally. If I want to live, I need to stop. In retrospect, acceptance changed the game and helped me to put everything in its place. I even had a 12 step plan to work through all the regrets of my past actions!  

Acceptance is part of this grief process too. I need to accept that KG is gone. I can't help but think about all the times she was such a rock for me when I was finding my way through a divorce and sobriety. I feel regret that I was not as good of a friend back to her. I feel regret for all those things we were going to get on the schedule in the next few months. Now it's too late. I am sad that my friend is gone and there is nothing I can do about it. At this time, I feel like if I weren't sad and grieving every moment I wouldn't be doing justice to just how important she was in my life. How do you just go on? I feel if I don't hold on tight to this grief I will lose her and all the others whom I have lost. I am not in a space to feel like living a happy life honors them in any way. Me feeling some level of pain feels more appropriate. 

My therapist, of course, had many suggestions of way to honor her memory and the memories of the others that I have lost. I know he is right, that's why I pay the man. But, I am not ready for that. I am not ready to be 100% OK with all of this and have life move forward as if nothing happened. By just moving on, I, again, feel like I am saying "I am OK without you." I'm not. Currently, I am not able to reconcile these things in a way that makes sense for me. It's a process, I get it. The process is incredibly frustrating though.

On the healthier side of all of this, I know I can't stop my life. I will continue to pile things onto the "regret pile" if I let other relationships weaken or stop pursuing goals. The people whom I have lost would be annoyed if I did that. I believe all of their souls are at peace now with each of them struggling with different battles while here. If they are at peace, shouldn't my grieving heart appreciate that....even just a little? Personally, when I go, I want people to tell goofy stories and laugh their asses off about fun adventures, my ridiculous stories, or obsessive love of cats. I don't want anybody's life to stop because mine did. After 30+ years, I am sure my Dad would feel that. "Onward, Googs!" (That was my nickname). RC has come to me and let me know that we were cool. I had major regrets with him. 

These more recent losses, though, are very fresh. It took me probably 10 years to come to a good place with my Dad. About 12 years to be at peace with RC. The pain of those losses does come flying back with new losses. 2020-2022 have been crappy years for losses. I know so many people who have experienced devastating and crippling losses. I have talked with some folks about this whole grief process and how they appear to have adjusted so amazingly. Well, come to find out (I am inserting a little sarcasm here), what I see on social media isn't a 100% reflection of anyone's life. Even my own page reflects that. What appears like effortless transitions are really people still working through their grief and searching for the same thing I am. Peace. Understanding. Acceptance. 

So, part of my process of not getting stuck in regret is writing. So I am doing my best to muster some energy and courage to speak my truth. I am OK. I will be OK. I am just very, very sad and wish my friend was here to give me a hug. She would tell me I was going to make it. I've been through tough times before. I can do it again. Today, though, I don't want to be strong. I want to know why she is gone. I want one last conversation. I want one last hug. One last laugh together. I can't have that and it makes my heart hurt.

Love to everyone out there <3
Julie

I noticed pretty quickly yesterday that my post got cut off. I am not sure what happened there. Alas, I will try to pick up where I left off in my last post! I believe I was "circling the drain". 

The hardest thing to explain about addiction is how I made my decisions. I was unhappy, miserable, and more depressed than ever had been. Yet, I fought the idea of going to treatment or stopping. I would start justifying things. "I can stop if I want to, but I don't want to." I would NEVER agree that I couldn't stop anymore. I would wake up in the morning - it's over, I am done. Yet 12 hours later, I am back doing the same thing, getting the same result, and wondering what I ended up screwing up this time around. Did I lose a friend? Did I screw up at work? Did I mess with my family? The answer was never good. It was like having a moment of clarity every morning and forgetting that clarity within minutes. I honestly couldn't explain why I kept making the same horrible decisions every day. The obsession was overpowering and I had little skill in mounting a response. 

I required a lot of external motivation and accountability in those first few years. After the first year, I started to let go of using alcohol. I was mad about it, trust me. I wanted to drink. I came close a few times. Because of the external accountability factors, I did not use. But feeling like I want to use all the time was pretty crappy too. Finally, I came to the conclusion that if I could give up just this one thing, I could have many more things. With the cat out of the bag with my family, they were going to hold me accountable and distance themselves if I was using. There was a large change in my group of friends. I had to leave many behind, yet I could make new friends that were more in line with the life that I wanted to lead. The thoughts of needing to change almost every aspect of my life was overwhelming. I needed that external structure and accountability to be there while I made those changes to my life. Like most alcoholics, I don't do change all that well. It was a lot at once. Obviously, I got there.

A few years in, I really was happy with this whole recovery thing. Physically I felt better than I ever had. I was working a good job. My finances were starting to come back into order. I had new friends that were supportive. I wanted to be able to do for others what the recovery community had done for me. So, like many people I went to grad school with, I decided that I was going to go back to be a counselor. Two weeks after my 2nd anniversary, I was back in school. In hindsight, I wish I would have waited until I hit the 5 year marker to make that decision. After being drunk for 18 years, two years of recovery is not a great deal of time. I was still in that "pink cloud" of recovery. Everything was great! Everything was wonderful! Let me be the support for the world!

Well, it was a hard lesson. I find myself battling back and forth with regret about that path. Regret is supremely unhelpful. I can't do anything about it. I can't change it. So why get stuck there? Because the experience was intense and likely changed me in both good and bad ways. I learned that working with people like me is exhausting, intense, and worthwhile. I found part of my job that fed my soul. I met incredible people with whom I remain in contact. What I regret is what happened to my confidence and the outlook on life. I became cynical and mean at times (never toward clients, but I found places to vent that frustration). I could barely get out of bed. I called in all the time. My anxiety and depression were at the highest I had experienced in sobriety. Ever. It scared me more than anything. I was well over 5 years of recovery at that point and everything got shaken to the core.

For those of you that followed by blog from 2018-2020, I discussed a lot about whether it was the work environment or it was the field I was in. I think the answer really is, both. I wasn't emotionally ready to do what I was doing. The environment was extremely intense with an administration structure that was unhelpful for me. For my recovery and mental health, it was time to move on. 

I am back in nursing now. I like it here. I feel confident here. I know what I am doing and if I don't, I know where to find help. I am working with individual clients in their home. I love it. I started homecare because it was flexible when I was in school. I didn't leave when I graduated. I also started in the education department in the hospital system I have been with for 13 years. I know that I could earn more money doing travelling nursing or whatever. However, I have never been this stress-free as far as my employment goes. I work a lot of hours and that is my choice to do so. Since I like what I do, it doesn't seem like "too much". I have chased money before and not once has it ever brought me happiness. In fact, at the end of my time in counseling, I felt like I had "golden handcuffs". I had such good benefits and pay that I couldn't take any sort of pay cut to afford how I was living. Well, I have been in this situation before, I can shave my budget down. And I did.

I have not given up working in recovery all together. Now that I have returned to nursing, I feel like I can see a vision a little clearer. As I start my 5th degree (I know.....it's a lot), I can see the end game now. I want to work in a college or university and teach behavioral health nursing. It is an area of nursing that I understand very well and, added bonus, I know how to teach people to talk with people. Whoop! Whoop! 

So, Happy Recovery Month 2022!
Thanks for reading!
​Julie 

September is National Recovery Month. Twelve years ago I was still working toward pulling together 30 days. I had done that twice before, once in 2007 and once in 2010 before my current recovery date. The longest I had made it was 65 days after my first inpatient treatment in 2010. It seems so weird to think I am sitting on 12 years now. I really wasn't convinced that sobriety was for me. I did know, however, that being a raging addict wasn't doing much for me either. From the outside, the decision was so clear. In the fogginess of my mind, the decision wasn't so clear. It's a hard concept to describe. I say I want it. I think I want it. Then I go do the exact opposite and get mad about the decision I made. And the added "bonus" of seeing what else I wrecked with that decision. Was it a friend this time? Was it a job? Was it the trust of a family? And the cycle continues. 

It was a long process to find recovery for myself. I was sober for about a year before I finally started to let go of the idea of drinking every day. That is a pretty miserable existence. I am hyper focused on the one thing I need to give up. The one thing that keeps me trapped and unhappy. The one thing that increases my mental health symptoms. The one thing that I was convinced was my best friend. Meanwhile, life is going on while I am sitting being mad at the accountability factors that were at least helping me to make the right decision even if I didn't feel like making that specific decision. I was just mad. All the time. That is being abstinent from alcohol. Recovery was something else entirely.

Recovery for me was a combination of stopping the alcohol consumption and getting my thinking and mental health in order. I know that in retrospect now. During those first few years of early recovery I wasn't sure what I needed. I was in a really good treatment program for me at the time which really did make a huge difference. My treatment program was a dual diagnosis program. My inpatient had a small mental health component but probably not quite enough for me. For many years, I struggled with anxiety and depression. Those symptoms were there long before I started drinking. When I started drinking, I felt my first instant symptom relief along with a freeness I hadn't experienced anymore. I didn't care! It was SO nice! What a relief. 

I spent the next 18 years struggling to find that peace again. Little did I know that as I drank more in an attempt to find it, I was making all of those symptoms worse. At the very end, when I was start to go through withdrawal, my anxiety would go through the roof and the drink was the only thing that started to make be feel "normal". I use the term normal loosely here. My normal at that point was not puking first thing in the morning and having the shakes stop. Compared to my current normal, that normal was more of a circling the drain time. I hadn't quite hit rock bottom but I was working on it!

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