Today

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay ​

So, I am feeling a bit better than I was when I posted my last entry. Writing has proven to be an effective way for me to process complex issues. Most of the time, I don't really have an ending in mind when I start. I know I have a topic that I have been thinking about and start from there. This entry, however, I am not exactly sure where I am going. I kept hearing and seeing the message that today or this moment is all that we have. The past is the past. The future is unknown. I learned a lot about mindfulness and staying present. Both AA and DBT spend a great deal of time on these topics. The purpose of this topic for me was simplicity. 

Dragging the negative past with me complicates my current moment. Worrying about the future I can't know anything about distracts me from what is happening in front of me. I had to learn to leave the past in the past and stay out of the future. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule. The past is full of valuable lessons and experiences. There is no harm in reminiscing about that. Thinking about the future is important. I could develop any goals or plans if I didn't think about what needs to be done to get there. I think what becomes the challenge for me is not staying in the past or the future. I am much more likely to stay in the past than the future; however, I can easily be found in both depending on what I am thinking about.

When I think about my job and career, I am always forward thinking. What is the next goal? What is the next step? What's the next thing? The answer for the past 10 years has been education. I had a goal of getting my masters before 40, done. I decided to go back and finish my RN, done. I want to teach. so, back in school again with another master's degree to get where I feel like I want to go. I look forward to school which is so strange. My high school and undergrad educational experiences were much more about the social aspect. I did what I needed to do to keep a decent grad point average, but  really didn't have academia as my central focus. Starting with my LPN and forward, I figured out I was pretty good at school. I have been collecting degrees ever since then. I am not sure how long this next degree will take. I am pretty excited to get started in a few weeks and see where things go. 

In other areas of my life, things aren't always so clear. I have many positive aspects of my life - family and friends being a true highlight. I am often told that I don't always have the best balance in my life. Basically, I am too career heavy with working a little more than full-time and school. Honestly, school and work make me pretty happy. I enjoy being a nurse in the various roles I current hold. I don't foresee making any significant changes in the near future. While my ultimate goal is teaching, I need to get a few years of "RN" experience under my belt. The 18 years of "LPN" experience don't always count for much in certain cases. While this is all fine and good, I know that I am in need of something more than just a professional/educational life.

I think back to when I first got into recovery and people would ask me what I did for fun. Man, that was a hard question. The easiest (and true) answer was spending time with my nephew. I was a first time aunt and found great joy in that experience. Beyond that, though, I struggled to figure out what I did for fun. I can answer that question a little bit easier now (14 years later). I like crafting and doing projects. I like writing and reading. I like being with friends and family. What I think is so different between today and 12-14 years ago is that I was learning in my personal life. Everything was new and exciting. Whoa, values - cool, I have some, let's dive deeper. Did you know that I can take charge of my thoughts? So cool. I now get why my brain does some of the things that it does. WOW! 

To a certain degree, I have come to understand who I am as a person and as a person in recovery. I could argue that I have changed over time, therefore, my learning is never over on a personal front. That is true and I would hope for anyone reading that we constantly strive to learn more about ourselves over time. The learning I experience on a personal front these days isn't quite as stimulating as it once was. I am working to maintain and understand my present life. Back then, it was learning about what I was (an active alcoholic with significant mental health concerns) and what I could be (learning to live sober and figure out who I am). I have some to understand a lot about myself; yet I have this desire, almost yearning to be something different. Not better, just different. 

I felt this feeling/emptiness when I started in the counseling field. I felt like there was something bigger out there for me. I was really going to find it working in the field of recovery. Recovery was a huge thing and I truly felt that recovery as a career would take me to places I never could have imagined. I started out strong with doing a lot of public speaking, doing radio and even local cable access TV in WI. That slowly faded away and the path of counseling nearly drowned me. That was an incredible let down and I struggled with that disappointment for quite some time. Fortunately, I had school to keep me afloat knowing that my RN career would likely revitalize that feeling again.  It has for the most part as I hope to bring my RN and recovery careers together again via teaching, that feeling of "something bigger" is residing in my personal life now. 

I have no idea what this "thing" is. I guess I will have to continue to search internally to see what it is that I feel I want/need to do. As I write this entry, I feel like writing has something to do with it. I have toyed around with a book for a long time. I even started a book at one point. I get lost in which direction I want to go. I am good at talking, maybe I should do a podcast. Then I think that committing to either of these while I am in school yet again is more than I could do. Or, am I getting the message all wrong and I should just go out and do super fun things all the time. That is not is not a bad life to live either. I am uncertain. I hope by implementing mindfulness, maybe I can calm this busy mind enough to hear the calling or direction I should be heading. 

Thanks all for the support after my last entry. Know that I am OK and will be OK. 
Love,
​J