 It has been an interesting couple of weeks since my last post. The contents of my previous entries were made known to my superiors which set a series of actions in motion. I was shocked when I was confronted with my own words in my professional setting since my blog is very much about my personal processes. Alas, I took it as a moment of empowerment. I talk with my supervisor about how unhappy I was; how burned out I was. There were offers to change up my job to other things that I used to like to do. As we continued our planning of restructuring our department, I still was not able to find my light or passion to continue moving forward. My feelings have not changed despite knowing that things would change as soon as January.
It was uncomfortable for me knowing that my superiors knew of my unhappiness. My biggest issues with my unhappiness was really trying to find something that would make me happy again. The pressure was placed back on me to find that, and quickly, so that changes could be made. My words were used against me especially in context of why I can compartmentalize what I do in nursing and not what I do with counseling. I don’t know why and I couldn't answer that question. I wish I knew because I would be a lot happier in general if I could finish my shift and leave it all behind knowing that the next shift has my back. I worked myself up so much it tripped a migraine that had me in bed for nearly two days. I finally left the house after three days of sleeping and trying to feel better to meet with my therapist. He was shocked about the series of the events from the previous week I saw him. He let me say my peace about everything from nursing, to counseling, to writing, to future and the need to make a decision as soon as possible. I felt increased pressure to make a commitment to either staying or leaving. I re-read my own words and felt at peace for the first time in a long time. I made the decision to resign. I did so on Tuesday. I have talked in a previous blog about to contradictory things existing together. Well, this holiday week was totally full of that. The resignation process was completed with in 15 minutes of my arrival on Tuesday. I found myself very emotional about the situation. What I am not entirely sure about is whether it was sadness or relief. I think it was a bit of both. There are things that I am really going to miss about my work. I will miss the connections with and progress of clients. I will miss my co-workers A LOT. It was the hardest thing to tell them prior the rumor mill hitting them first. Most of the people know that I was struggling whether through this blog or with personal conversations. Lots of people were worried about me as it was apparent that my health was turning poor and my ability to keep up was fading. Now that I have made this decision, I started reaching out to figure out the next adventure. I was interviewed and hired within 12 hours for a nurse position at a treatment center near to my home. Never in all of my years as a nurse, did I ever think of working in a treatment center. Part of that was the fact that I was drunk myself so working in a treatment center would be pretty challenging. What I remember is that when we were doing our clinical rotation in nursing school, my absolute, 150% favorite rotation was at the Anoka Regional Treatment Center which is a long-term mental health facility. I was assigned to a male unit with severe behavioral and mental health issues. I thought I would be scared. I was not. I was able to sit and talk with each patient and hear their stories. I was asked to complete a chart review while there and I selected a very complex patient who I read all about before meeting. When I met him in the day room, he was totally different than I expected. He was human. He was suffering with severe mental health issues. He wanted to get better and go home. This experience was a profound one that I have never forgotten. When I started with transplant, I had forgotten about these experiences. It never dawned on me that I could move into chemical dependency/mental health as a nurse. I missed the boat there and maybe misunderstood the calling. However, I don’t regret getting my masters degree as that I was goal of mine. I carry my regret in getting such a specific degree that offered only a few different paths. I gave the counseling gig 5 years. I think that is a reasonable attempt to work in the field and see if it’s truly my calling. Now I feel like I have found a better connection to the field in a capacity in which I feel confident to perform my work. I never did find that confidence in counseling. I felt like a fake. I tell you all this great advice and follow none of it myself. I didn’t feel authentic with my clients. I felt like I was trying really hard to put on a show. I did that for years when I was drinking and it was exhausting. I have been hired part-time in that position. I will continue with my work with the transplant team. On Monday, I have an interview to work as a causal staff with a pediatric home care company. As I scrolled through all the ads for LPNs, I saw many that reminded me of places that I didn’t like working at prior to starting with transplant. Part of me wonders if I would be better at these positions now because I am actually sober. However, I thought, why not try something new? If I don’t like it, I just don’t pick up. I have surprised myself over the years about being pretty decent with kids. Also, it’s something very different, something I have never done and I have a base level of skills to be successful. Looking at these options, I will be working a few different jobs which is something that I like to do. It will allow me flexibility in my schedule to have more control. My income will match what I am making now if not slightly more. I will also be afforded the opportunity to continue to pursue completing my RN degree. I will find out more about that in a few weeks. While it may seem crazy to some that working 3 part-time jobs, I am most excited about this. Having the ultimate control of my schedule, working the hours I need to or want to is incredibly empowering. I hoping for a little more time off and having the opportunity to get back into nursing skills. While part of me doesn’t know if this whole situation was ideal, I am feeling relieved. I really don’t feel that if I limped along for a few more months or one more year, things would feel any different. The hardest part is leaving people behind. I hope that I will be able to maintain these friendships throughout the years ahead. Most of all, I need to get back to me. I used to laugh a lot more. I used to have more happiness in my life. I used to be more connected with others. I opted to marry my job in the hopes of filling a hole in my overall purpose. While I might have served a purpose for some things and at certain points, deciding to allow my work to consume my whole life has left me feeling emptier and lonelier. I felt less hope. I felt my recovery start to shake. I watched my physical and mental health continue to decline despite a clear understanding that they were declining. In some ways, this feels like my divorce. I tried so hard to be someone I thought others would want to have around. In all that effort, I lost who I really was. I remember my ex-husband saying to me the day after I asked for a divorce, “Wow, this is the most of ‘you’ I have seen in along time.” I feel that way today. I started diamond painting again after having stopped for several months. I organized my craft things because I have events that I will be going to. I went out and window shopped like I had done every weekend for the past 5 years. I am reaching out to others to do things. I feel like me again. My therapist noticed a distinct difference today when I popped in to catch him up my decisions. “You look good.” I wasn’t angry the whole session. I wasn’t there to release a whole bunch of stress. I was there to talk about how to manage my time in a way that is effective and keeps me true to myself. While my divorce was hard, it was the right decision. I feel that way now about my job. I got so far down into it that I could no longer see the light. While I was at the bottom arguing about whether or not the light existed, I never saw how far down I had really gone into this hole. Initially, I was frustrated and upset that my blog information came seeping into my professional life. That is a risk that I run writing my truth and sharing with others. I have been blogging for about 8 years and this is the first time it has happened. I have been cautioned in the past that my words could come back to haunt me. So, I guess they did on some level and I am upset by that. However, in the long game, I spoke my truth. I needed to honor my truth. It didn’t maybe happen on my timeline, but it happened. I am feeling a great sense of relief about it all. I truly appreciate the support of all those who reached out to me in the past few weeks and also the support of my family who offered thoughts and some prayers as I made this journey. The big take away from this all: If I choose to go the path of not being authentic, I will suffer. If I choose not to honor my own feelings or experiences, I will suffer. The active alcoholic in me was constantly dodging and weaving around the truth of my life at that time, I suffered. When I got married and tried to be something I wasn’t, I suffered. When I struggled in this field to deal with the trauma I see on a day to day basis, I started to deny my own experiences and feelings. I started to turn the blame on myself. “There is something wrong with me. I am not strong enough. I don’t feel right here but I should because I am good at it.” And……I suffered. Recovery was this amazing process of finding myself and honoring me for me. I started to go back into old behavioral patterns and it was a glimpse of what life is like when I don’t do what is right for me. There is nothing wrong with me. I am who I am and that doesn’t include being an addictions counselor. It does include the opportunity to share recovery in a way that feels most authentic to me. Julie
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 I think I end writing just about the same thing every year when it comes to holiday season. Years ago, I hated the holidays. I found the holidays so stressful with trying to manage different gatherings. I was so addicted to alcohol that if alcohol wasn’t available at a gathering, I would start going through withdrawal. At the time, I didn’t know that’s what was happening. I just thought I had severe social anxiety. Nope. Turns out I love social situations and generally have little anxiety about them. I just needed alcohol.
My first Thanksgiving after getting sober happened in 2010. I had been sober for about 90 days. I was still in treatment and had made a big deal out of the holidays and not in a particularly positive way. Thanksgiving rolled around that year and I was exposed to what is now my normal. It was a time to be with family, eat too much and just relax. I could hardly deal with the non-dysfunction of the holiday. What is this? Where is all the stress? Hmmmm….maybe this is something that I could get used to. My family was always kind enough to reschedule holidays for me too when I had to work. This year will be my 10th sober holiday season! Whoo hoo! There are so many things to be grateful and thankful for in my life now. There are so many things to celebrate. When I think about the past 10 holidays seasons, I think of all the wonderful memories I have of my niece and nephew. I think of all the time I am able to be with my family. Our lives are so busy that for November and December, I get to see them almost weekly with all the holiday shows and gatherings. Works for me! I think of the tap on the head I get at 4:00am on Christmas morning from my niece…..”Aunt Julie…..Santa was here!” The quality of my holidays has just about everything to do with my sobriety. My family is awesome, don’t get me wrong. My sobriety, however, has given me the opportunity to be present. I don’t have to worry about the next drink. I just worry about who gets to play what game with Aunt Julie first. I only have to worry about making coffee for the adults since I am usually the one the kids go to first on Christmas morning. I try to keep a gratitude list in my head at all times: 10 things I am grateful for at any given moment. As I roll into my 10th holiday season with sobriety on board, here you go!
Happy Holidays! Julie  I can feel a burden starting to be lifted with all of this career stuff. It has been a stressful six months of getting serious about making some change. I think I had a telling moment last week when I was offered the opportunity to design my “dream position” as we are looking to restructure our department. Sadly, I did not want to do any of it. None of the groups jumped out at me, none of the other assignments jumped out at me and it was clear that the position I am now will not be broken up for any circumstances. Today is the day when we will find out what our new responsibilities are going to be. I don’t think my job will change all that much right now. I have been trying to wait to make any decisions until I know what I am going to be offered. As I am going through this process, I am flooded with pros and cons thoughts about this whole ordeal. I thought my blog might be a good place to actually get them down on paper instead of rattling around my head.
PROS – Staying at my job/position/career in SUDs counseling
So, this is where I am today. I am still seeking out my options. Next Monday is my entrance test for nursing school. So far the practice tests have gone well. After that, I will be able to sit down and look at transfer credits and the plan if I choose that route. I have a few applications out to test the waters back in the medical field. One response was “uhhh….thanks for applying…..you can come in for an interview….you are qualified…..actually over qualified…..I think you would be bored.” I did decline this interview because I think that she is right. I am taking some action which seems to relieve some of the heaviness of this situation. I haven’t felt in control of much recently. I feel like I am taking some of that power back by being more aggressive in my off time seeking out other possibilities. In terms of my recovery, I am remaining strong and smart about that. I see my therapist regularly to process my decisions and learn more ways to cope with the stressful nature of my job. I have friends that I am seeking support from as well along with my amazing family who will support me in whatever direction I am going. Drinking is not the answer to any of this. Of all the unknowns in things right now, that is one “known” thing I got for sure. Relapse is not an option. As far as the dreams are concerned, I will continue to monitor these. I believe that dreams do tell a person something. In one of these dreams, I was excited to call into work to say that I had relapsed because in MN at least I lose my license for 2 years if my substance use disorder is active. In WI, I don’t think that is the case. However, I called in “drunk” to work and was excited to explain that I wasn’t coming back for a while. Yeah, that is an option I suppose – drink and not be able to work. There are many more constructive ways to move through this process. What I took from that dream is that I am at my maximum stress level right now. If that is even remotely a thought, it’s time to go. I appreciate all the supportive messages I get from my amazing readers. I thank you for reading and participating in this journey with me. If you look at the 12 steps of AA – “We” is always used. Because “we” are not alone. “We” believe in recovery. “We” believe in supporting each other in good time and in bad. “We” includes people both in and out of the program. You all serve a purpose in my life and for that I am grateful! Thanks for being part of my “we”. Julie  I have had a few people approach me since my last blog entry wondering if I have come to any conclusion about my future career endeavors. I don’t know why I always feel shocked when people come to talk to me about what I wrote. I guess part of me is surprised that people read this 😊 It’s a great thing and I thank those who do reach out to see if I am okay. Part of my process of being OK is writing. I need to get my thoughts in order and I need a good solid place to vent them. Welcome to my blog! Ha!
I am in a process of acceptance right now. Day in and day out I see this phenomenon of the head saying one thing (the intellectual part of us) and the heart refusing to hear it (the emotional part of us). I would have to say that is where I am today. My intellectual part of me gets that this career of counseling may not be for me. It’s not that I don’t have anything to offer, I just can’t handle the stressful nature of dealing with addiction every day. I see too much of myself and I have yet to figure out a way not to internalize the pain of others. I don’t know how to walk away. I don’t know how to care less. And maybe that is not what I need to learn to do, however, on a professional level I feel like this is what I am being asked to do. “Don’t take it home with you.” “It’s their problem, not yours.” “You can only do so much, then it’s on them.” My head knows all of these things. I can even be as bold as to say these exact things to my co-workers and fellow colleagues. “Ya know, we can only do so much…..” Let’s take a look at what the heart has to say. First, my heart has some pride – some really sticky, yucky type pride that is preventing me from making a decision one way or the other. My heart says I need to do this. Yeah, the work is hard. You work harder. Yeah, you are stressed out but what does that mean if you leave? You can’t hack it? You weren’t strong enough? You didn’t listen to the 10 other people who told you 6 years ago that you have to be careful about your intentions entering the field? Ouch. How annoying. Just like many others I went to school with, I felt different. I felt I had the talent and it wasn’t just because I was in recovery that I wanted to do this program. I thought I had a strong knack for understanding people and would be good at this. Oh, I was warned about the implications of being too close to the field and pushing on anyway. “You are training to be a clinician, not a glorified sponsor with a degree.” Now, let’s be clear. I am a clinician. I exercise clinical judgement every day. I didn’t miss the boat there. Hell, I don’t even sponsor people anymore because I can’t shut off the clinician trying to diagnose everyone in my path. (I am super fun to have at parties by the way…..sure! Tell me all about your drinking habits…..just keep talking, I am over here diagnosing.) My heart doesn’t want to be wrong about having gone this path. I see moments when I have made a connection or helped someone along in their journey. Honestly, I struggle to get to work in the morning, but once I am there, I am 100% on and wondering what the fuss was about getting to work. Then, I start the drive home and feel the anxiety start to creep in. I don’t look back at my day thinking, “yeah, good job!”. I look back thinking, was I wrong to say this or that? Did I make the wrong call on that assessment? Man, that person sure was angry with me, I wonder what I could have done better. The absolute worst for me is this constant questioning of my abilities. I can rarely see the good in what I do anymore because I am so plagued with self-doubt. That self-doubt then turns into anxiety. Anxiety is a straight shot for a relapse in my depression symptoms. My head is telling me – this is it. You are at your limit. Go find something that makes you happy because this sure is not it. Your health is declining. Your mental health is declining. You no longer see the good in anything and you are complaining all day long. Now, if one of my clients were to sit down and have this conversation with me, I would be saying “Good Lord. Move on. No job or career with worth your mental health.” So intellectually, I am there. I am so there. I get this. I look at jobs every night, sometimes until 2:00 in the morning hoping that “the job” is waiting for me. I have offers that will keep the money train on track while allowing me to look at other opportunities, so much so that I was even able to find a decent insurance plan to get if I elected not to return any where full time for a while. Last week, I even went so far as to attend an orientation session to return to complete my RN. I am signed up to take the entrance exam in 2 weeks. I don’t know if I will actually do it, but it’s an option. In chatting with friends and family, I am only going to make the decision that is best for me which I will be greatly supported in doing so. The world does live and die by me, so I don’t need to make decisions as if it did. Intellectually, I am there….. My heart hates the idea of leaving my job. My heart hates the idea of looking at my coworkers knowing that I wouldn’t see them every day anymore. My heart doesn’t want to admit that maybe this whole counseling this is just too much for me. My heart is pleading for me to stop thinking this way and give it all one more good college try to see if I can change something. This stubborn heart, however, does know that I cannot make myself care any less. This heart is big and squishy which means my empathy and sympathy will always be on high alert for the next big thing. This heart, though, has been through some difficult times from screaming clients, to aggressive and unfriendly criticism, to unrealistic expectations to those “what the hell am I thinking” moments that are getting more and more regular. While my head has it all figured out, my heart is remaining confused. There is always more good than bad right? What I am learning through this process is to find trust in myself. When I think about the time I was the happiest in the past 10 years, it was 2012. I have had a lot of great times since then. 2012 really stands out because I felt in control. I was two years into recovery. I was back experiencing the world at a whole other level I could have only dreamed of. I knew my job, inside and out and took pride in working with the University of Minnesota transplant center. I felt competent in my job. People trusted me with a lot of things and just knew that if they gave that task to me, it’s done and it’s done right. I was finally in place not to take every word in my direction personally. I grew as a person. I felt empowered. My heart and mind were both very sound and very happy. I was ready to achieve my goal of getting my masters and I thought I heard the calling loud and clear. Since that time, the ups and downs feel extreme. On one hand, I am doing a Tedx Talk. Amazing! The following week I walked off of a job because I found a hidden camera in my office. Neither the clients nor I were aware of us being filmed. That’s illegal and I won’t stand for that. I find what I believe to be my dream job! Only for there to be licensing problems and conflicts that made my life pretty miserable for several months. Early on in my career, I would think – wow! I made a difference. Tonight, I hope my anxiety won’t keep me awake for too long because I could really use some rest. My therapist has gone in circles with me. He will never tell me what I should or shouldn’t do. He waits for me to get there on my own. Last session, I did tell him that I knew what he was doing. He smiled. I told him if it didn’t work I wouldn’t keep coming back. What he said to me this past week that caught my attention was “I sense the hesitancy” with regards to making a decision. When I made changes in the past, I felt inspired and motivated. When I think about going back to school, I can feel a little sense of that but nothing like I previously experienced when I decided to get my LPN or go to grad school. Part of me wonders if it is my age and the idea of school, again, is just getting tiresome. What my head is telling me, though, is that I am depressed and anxious. I have retreated to a “numb” place where nothing is good or bad. It just is and I have to figure out how to get from one day to the next. It’s a survival mode for me. If I can’t deal with strong emotions, I won’t deal with any – good or bad. When I have historically felt this way, I am straight out the door. I think I have been in this place for just a little too long now that I missed the window to leave when I could muster the motivation and enthusiasm to do so. (aka March 2019 when I applied for 9 jobs in the matter of 3 days and attended 7 interviews in a month time.) To be clear to all my readers, I really am OK. I am going through a difficult time at the moment in terms of work and what I do with 40-50 hours a week of my life. When I get to the weekends, my life is very different. I look forward to working casually with the transplant team. I look forward to taking my niece and nephew out on the town. I enjoy meeting up with friends and going out. I totally love crafting retreats. These activities are not the majority of my time, unfortunately. These things used to be enough to refill my tank. I believe my tank has sprung a leak and I am running on empty all the time no matter how much time or effort I spend tending to self-care. This numb place I use to cope with my job is now starting to seep into my life that I do love. I can’t turn work off. I can’t turn off the self-doubt. I can’t seem to stop this job from invading every part of my being. So, my head is getting awfully mad at my heart for not fully reaching the same conclusion – it may be time to leave the field. My head says go back to nursing. My heart says “???”. Acceptance for me is when the heart and head see things the same way. It took my heart a long time to get on board with recovery. Intellectually I always knew I had a problem. Since I was about 19 years old, my head knew this. My heart just wanted so badly for that not to be true. There was always more good than bad, right? Yeah, until there wasn’t any good anymore. I would like to not bottom out the way I did with accepting that I am an alcoholic. That damn near killed me. Sadly, I feel this field is doing the same to me right now. I am not physically dying as I was when I was drinking fortunately. I just feel like I am losing myself more and more. I am being consumed by my career. The stress levels continue to rise unabated. I have asked for help or a reduction in my responsibilities and that was denied because of a lack of resources. I think my heart might be finally getting it – I have done all I can at this point and there is no sign of positive change in near future. My heart needs let go of pride piece and know that surrender is different than failure. I lasted 5 years and I will never lose what I learned. Even if this doesn’t work out for the long-term, I will always use the education I received whether directly or indirectly. I always saw myself as being a public speaker, advocate or educator about addiction. I can still get there. Maybe my heart will feel better if I can say that I actually need to move on from this part of the field in order to get closer to what I believed my dream to be in the beginning. So, if you were curious about where I decided to go…..no luck tonight. I remain on the fence. I will continue to try to make things work until I can see a clearer path for myself. If I had to say where I am leaning tonight, I would have to say, returning to the field of nursing is where I am at today. Tomorrow could change. As I mentioned before, I will make a decision that makes the most sense for me. What I know today is that change is going to be coming – one way or another. In the words of Tim Gunn “Make It Work!” |
AuthorJust a girl in the world trying to live a sober and happy life. Archives
September 2024
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