Self-Care

Seriously?I haven't posted anything since March? That's not right!

I believe at times we are sent messages through the universe. The message that I have been receiving lately is "self-care". Honestly, if I hear this term one more time, I am going to puke! Ugh. Here is the problem. I need it. I have to do it. I want to do it. I can't figure out how! 

I do a lot of group therapy during an average week. I feel like one good test of knowledge is when a person can teach something. I had no idea what I was doing when I first started nursing. After a while I felt like I could master the tasks but not explain it very well. With enough experience, I was able to do a lot of training. In my groups, I talk a lot about self-care. It is probably one of the few topics in substance abuse treatment where I am totally faking it. I tell people all the time that they need to take care of themselves. In reality, I have no idea how to do it myself! The difficulty, in my humble opinion, is that it truly varies from one person to the next so there is no easy "guide" to give people or to myself for that matter. Some people like meditation....I end up focusing on the fact that I can't meditate while I meditate. Not exactly calming. Some people exercise.....man, I wish I could get on the bandwagon with this one. It helps, but I never stick to it. Some people read a book....I fall asleep within a few minutes of trying. 

I have been cautioned by my boss and my therapist both, that self-care is becoming increasingly more important for me. I am just frustrated that I can't quite figure out what I need to do. I have tried volunteering, being with friends, taking a whole day off, exercising, cleaning & organizing, petting the cats.....All of these things help a little but are not really keeping this impending sense of burnout at bay. I feel drained and almost empty in a way. There are some moments during my week that I can say "yeah, I helped someone." Most of the time, I see such pain and agony that I wonder how to fight such an uphill battle and more importantly, why. A new friend told me that it doesn't really have anything to do with this. It's something much bigger. Identity.

It was such an interesting conversation that I had today. Back when I graduated from college, my identity was about my drinking. I desperately wanted to be successful but had no idea what that looked like. I honed in on nursing when I sat and thought about what I really wanted to do. I did that and my identity was a drinker and a nurse. In comes sobriety and now I have nursing as my primary identity. I remember feeling really upset when I was graduating from outpatient treatment. Instead of "you are going to great, congratulations....", I got "you need to be careful about putting all your eggs in one basket. You are more than just thing one thing." I was probably upset because it was true. I jumped head first into working all the time. Slowly, my identity change into recovery.

Let me preface this by saying that there is nothing wrong with having my recovery be PART of my identity. That is not quite what it feels like right now. Recovery seems to be my only identity. I was pushed during my conversation today to think about my purpose and my identity. There has to be more than just one thing. What is happening now is that I feel a lack of passion about almost everything. I am not depressed per se. I am restless and discontented. I feel like there is something more to my life. I have absolutely no idea what it is. Of course, it needs to come from within me. I am really not sure how to get there. I was posed the question....."If God came down tomorrow and gave you everything that you wanted to make you happy, what would you want?" ***insert blank stare** This restlessness is just that. I don't know. I have a ton of great things - a great apartment, awesome family, a neat car, good friends. I really can't think of what else I would need. What I do know is that I have a passion stuck inside my soul and it needs to come out. Apparently, I can't let it out until I figure out what it is. I need something that feeds me. 

I love my job but at the same time, I have my regrets about going into the field of substance abuse counseling. I can say 100% that I went back to school too soon. Instead of taking that time in my early recovery to really understand myself, I shoved a new identity down my own throat, pushed ahead despite my own reservations and struggled in the process. I failed to listen to my instincts. Instead of figuring myself out, I turned to helping everyone else first. Since I did all this school, I feel like I need to do this. I am still left with this nagging feeling that there is something more to my life. Have I found my true calling, my true passion, my true purpose? The best answer I can give right now is a resounding MAYBE.

As I was reminded today, everything happens for a reason. I am on this path for a reason. It doesn't feel wrong; it also doesn't feel 100% right. When I was actively drinking, I was two people. The sober me was a person with a desire to help others, to be of service, to do something good in this world. The drunk me was a needy, out of control drama queen with nothing but my own self-serving needs at the forefront of everything I did. When these two lives were constantly in conflict with each other I was miserable. Absolutely miserable. To a certain degree (albeit WAY less now), I feel like this conflict is going on again. Almost like a dark and light me. Some days I am grateful and happy and motivated to get out of bed and tackle the day. The dark me is sitting in the corner, letting life go by wondering what to do next. Light me needs to wake up and shine again. I have grown in my cynicism in the past year. I am increasingly exhausted. I go to work, spend all that I have only to come home and do nothing because there is nothing left. How can I feed my energy? How can I bank that reserve of happiness and peace? How can I remain light when I work with a lot of darkness? What is my purpose/dream once I walk out of the door?

Self-care. Ugh. I don't know how to do it. What has become clear to me is that my career is not my self-care or my recovery. In fact, I need self-care because of my career. The challenge is being able to answer "Who am I?" when I am not sitting at my desk. I feel a little lost with that question right now. What is the thing that I can't wait to get out of work and do when I get home? Right now, it is sleep and watch Netflix. I have to believe that there is much more to life than that. Netflix and sleep can be part of the plan, but they shouldn't be the plan. 

Just so people don't worry, I really am doing very well. I am in a period of growth and I am experiencing some growing pains at the moment. I believe that there is something big waiting for me. I am feeling a really strong desire to figure out what that is and get there. The vision is out of focus right now. I am just asking the universe to help me find my glasses. 

Peace!
Julie