LifeObviously life has changed for me in the past few months for the better. Something was bothering me last fall as I was scrolling through my FB feed and other social media. If you are connected with me on FB, you know I love memes. I post one every day. I try to keep them funny. I need a laugh and so do you. So, the point of this post is not to bad mouth memes. Last fall, as I really felt down in the dumps about life, I started to become really resentful of inspirational memes, recovery memes excluded. Memes like the ones above really mad me angry and think about leaving social media all together. Wow, that's a pretty strong response to people trying to post motivational things and provide hope, isn't it?

Inspirational quotes are a good thing which is part of the reason I was confused about reading one casually and thinking "Yeah, screw you". What happened? Now that life is moving in a different direction, I just love these quotes about how attitude can change everything! It can! I am so happy now. life can be summed up in less than 20 words! Last fall, that was not the case. I was miserable and sad. In my mind, I was thinking that I tried to change my attitude and it didn't work. I tried to find the positive and find something to grateful for each day. I wanted to feel better and just could not. When I would read "this too shall pass" (a rather favorite quote of mine), I would start foaming at the mouth. What happened? Why be so testy about being positive? Today, I am all for it. Yup, attitude makes a difference. Controlling your reactions is really important. Tell me something motivational.

Here's my simple answer. I didn't feel validated when I read these memes when life was not going the way I wanted it. I felt judged; like some how, in addition to being self conscious about my place in the world at that moment, I was also failing myself by not thinking happy enough thoughts. When I was at my crafting retreat in December, the staff had a morning devotional and encouraged us not to judge other people. For instance, someone that sped by at a dangerous speed on the freeway might have just found out that their child is dying. The person that is always grumpy might be suffering from depression. I get that concept. One of my fellow retreaters commented that, sure, I can try to appreciate what another person is going through, but what about if they are doing harm or causing more disturbance. Are we supposed to sit by and "try" to understand that they lack the ability to be safe? No, of course not. I have a suspicion that she felt like I felt when life was summed up into a neat little piece of advice. Nice advice, but there are times when that is just not what can be done. There were simply times that thinking about my life more positively was not going to cut through the toxicity of the environment. 

The challenge of an addicted mind is the overt black and white thinking that takes over. I think as we age we also tend to become more rigid about things as well. I have a certain way I like to do things. I don't like to have huge disruptions in that part of my life. So, as I was going through the 2019 year of hell (in my humble opinion), I was looking at each of those memes in a black and white sense. As I commented on in earlier entry, I wasn't taking good care of my recovery. Black and whiting thinking is first red flag I can usually identify when things are not going very well. I would see a meme about creating peace in your life. I would interpret that as "you are creating your own mess. Get a better attitude." Yes, I play a role in all of my interactions and my relationships in life. However, there is a point at which I can have the best attitude there is nothing that is going to change the level of misery I am experiencing. Some time having a great attitude isn't going to cut it. A change might be necessary. Attitude is a part of it, but not all of it.

I searched blogs about changing careers and leaving the field of counseling. I read a lot about burnout. And while I probably drove myself pretty hard in counseling, I was pushed farther and farther beyond my breaking point because of the environment I was in and the duties of my job. I was stuck in a situation of no consistency. My self-esteem was attacked on a near daily basis. Things like "you should get back to counseling because whatever you are doing isn't working right now." This was in response to me having slipped on ice and hitting my head in the parking lot. I was being blamed for falling because my self care was not good enough. Sadly, that is not even the worst of it. I was in an abusive environment and I knew it. So I saw these memes wondering if there was anything I could do to make it better. You know, "don't take it on!" "It says more about them than you!" "Let it go!" Yeah, yeah, yeah. If that was even remotely helpful, I would have been still be there. 

During the week that I was getting close to putting in my notice, I read a blog entry about when it is time to move on from a job. I did a blog entry around then about the pros and cons of where I was at. I knew that the cons were piling up and I needed to pull the trigger at some point. What I read in this blog was so validating. "Top 10 things you can do when you are deciding to make a change." #4 - Stop read`ing the internet memes about how the angst and genuine unhappiness in your current situation is somehow your fault for not thinking positively enough. The heavens opened and the light was shining in. When I would see these really great quotes, deep down I was feeling shame that my efforts to employ these reasonable skills didn't work. I guess that means I am kind of a failure on some level. 

The article offered some suggestions about reading materials about change and stop looking at articles about trying to make a dysfunctional environment work. In essence, in order to continue to limp along in that environment, I would have to start slowly giving away pieces of myself. Often times, I found myself playing games to keep the peace or to avoid conflict that wasn't even warranted. I slowly decreased giving my opinion. I would change my opinion on a dime to agree so that things would not erupt. I was working all the time to figure out the mood of day while strategically deciding what I could or could not do. That, ladies and gentleman, is the definition of living with addiction. If you are a family member, friend or spouse to an addict, you know exactly what I just described. I was changing my whole life to "adapt" to an environment that I could not possibly adapt to or predict. There was nothing any inspirational meme of the day could offer me that would change this management.

Once I started to shift my focus on "staying" to "changing", the anger I felt subsided some. I had to recognize that, in general, at a 10,000 foot level, inspirational memes are generally decent guidelines to strive for. Work on releasing anger. This too will absolutely pass. Your attitude does have an impact. However, a statement with 10-12 words is not going to address my need in that moment for change. It may serve as a good reminder in other areas of my life, but there is absolutely no need to apply some of those quotes to my life in certain moments. For the record, I was not always the best employee. I tried my best and like any other human being, I fell short at times. There were other times when I went above and beyond too. So in the grand scheme of things, I think I averaged out to be pretty decent. Pretty OK is not enough for me. I don't need to be the top of any field or anything really. I need to feel comfortably confident. And not confident in a prideful kind of way. Just a feeling of knowing that I am competent and good at my job. My job/work is #3 on the list of that which is more important to me. (#1 Recovery, #2 Family). 

Now I am back reading these same memes thinking, "yeah, good advice." Ha. It's easier to think about being happy when you're actually happy. I know from my DBT training that the worse thing I can do when I am feeling down is to find something to feed that feeling. It a weird way, these positive posts were feeding me negatively because of the way that I chose to interpret them. To be real, I was feeling like a failure on some level. Why couldn't I just "get over" some of the things that were said to me? Why wasn't I able to just leave work at work? Why couldn't I figure out how not to burn out? I can ask questions all day long. What I have learned out of 2019 is that those answers are not going to matter. Even if I could figure it out, I would have to adapt in a way that is not possible for me to do. What it all came down to is that no matter what the reason, I just could not do it. I didn't fail. I didn't succeed. I tried and I didn't fit into that mold. As much as I tried to jam myself into that mold, I would start to get angry and uncomfortable. There were parts of me that I was not going to change. I will not change with regards to caring for patients or clients. I am not able to not take feedback personally if it is offered in such a manner as to purposely swipe at my ability to make decisions. I won't change those things and I cannot, therefore, choosing a new environment is the answer, not a better attitude.

In early fall 2019, I sat in my therapist office after a particularly bad week. I rushed through all the details of the week, becoming angry as I spoke it. "I just need sit here and shut up because whatever I am doing is not working. Tell me what I should do." I crossed my arms and sunk back in the chair and stared at him. He said nothing. He jotted down a few notes, then set his pen and paper down on the ground. He looked right at me and said, "this job brings out the worst in you." My initial response was to be upset. The whole "what's wrong with me? I am not the problem here" gig. I thought about what he said for about 2 weeks. I started to notice, the parts of me I like least were coming out tenfold. I was irritable. I was annoyed. I was angry. I was stuck in black and white thinking. I was being reckless with recovery. I was depressed. I was inconsistent with work attendance. I was complaining all of the time. I was on edge. Yeah, he was right. This job was bringing the worse out of me with the worst thing being: I was losing hope. Now, whether that was strictly a work environment thing or the actual work, it's hard to say. What I do know is that I still love working with recovery, just at a bit of a distance. 

Currently, I have a job where the best is brought out of me. I have not missed a day of work in 6 weeks (I was averaging 4-6 days a month previously). I ask every client I see how their day was. Often they will ask me back. "Actually? I am great. Thank you for asking." Tonight a client asked why I was great. "Because I feel like myself again." He probably thinks I am nuts. Most of them do because I like to be goofy and fun. They are doing a lot of serious work while they are there. When I see them during their free time, I would like them to smile a bit or at least know that I really do care how their day was. I care because I was once there too. I know the heartache of being there. I know what they are asked to do to get better. I understand their fears of the time after treatment. I think that helps me to be a good nurse in the behavioral health field. I am there to be of help. I will provide the help that I can. And, when I punch out at night, I know that they are in good hands.

Now, I guess it's back to scrolling through my feed and being OK with the motivational memes of the day. I now know to keep in mind that no one quote is going to ever address every need of every situation. Back to living in the gray. I am grateful tonight to be back in a situation where the best parts of me are brought back out. I smile more. I engage more. I get to work. I do good work. I come home happy. 

Peace,
Julie

Usually I write blog post around my birthday. I love birthdays. Holidays are great; however, to me, a birthday is a special day for each person. I don't care so much anymore about what age I am. I am finding as I grow older, age is just a number. For the record, I am 43. Last year, I was just coming back from New York after my birthday and was super crabby about coming home. I posted a meme about "42" from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy:

Deep down I was hoping for a really good year as 2018 had its series of difficulties for me. I also think a part of me knew that I was going to be making some really big decisions in this year. Honestly, I had no idea I would end up where I did. Let's explore.

At the beginning of 2019, I wanted to work in corrections. I missed working with the women in the jail. I have some of my best memories from down there. I felt like I did really good treatment there. I felt like I made a difference. I had been out of the jail for about 6 months and I was really missing it. I didn't care for the job I was in. I was pulled in so many directions with no consistency. When I asked for it, things got worse. I was starting to play both sides of the fence. That got me in trouble a lot because both sides had a lot of meetings together and it was clear I wasn't on anyone's side when it all came right down to it. So, I suddenly see a job posting working at a medium security prison. A treatment case manager position that would help inmates secure transfers to treatment and sober living upon release. I was so excited. This sounded amazing - no groups, no individuals....case management.

I was recommended, as long as I was looking, to start applying elsewhere too. "You never know!" I got the interview at the prison and just about jumped out of my skin. The interview went amazingly. Then the calls started coming in en masse. I was scheduled 2-3 interviews every Monday and stopped finally at 8. I got offers for 8 out of 9. Guess which one I didn't get....the prison. (As a total side note, it sounds like I dodged a bullet with this one anyway, but I was still disappointed before I knew that.) Anyway, with this process, something changed. After April, when all of the offers were declined and I decided to stay, I was more unhappy than ever despite the fact that I made the decision to stay.

Fast forward to 2020: I cross-trained at another clinic today within the system that I work. I work at an all men's facility part-time right now. I cross trained at a methadone clinic for some extra hours. I had NO idea what this was going to be like. They were flexible shifts and a bonus per shift to do this. (Man I missed nursing with bonuses and shift differentials,) I thought, "why the heck not? The worse is that I say after Day 1, no thanks. I am not bound by anything." My current nurse manager made me write down on a post-it note: "I will not let them poach me for their clinic. CR likes me better and I will stay here." I laughed and obliged. I scheduled myself for 3 days of orientation. I have never done anything like this and thought that 3 days was a little skimpy. However, on day 2, they offered me a full-time position. I let them know I was not interested in a full-time position; they came back and offered me a part-time position. I told them that my Nurse Manager was not going to let me be poached and I wrote a "contract" with her saying as much. The shift lead said "you just smile all the time and you are so good with the clients. Are you really sure you don't want to come here? You look happy." 

Now, that is not something I have heard in a long time. The latter half of 2019, I was approached by several different people at work on several different occasions asking if I was OK. "You look sick." "Wow, you look so tired." "Do you feel OK?" I would go and look at myself in the mirror during a bathroom break and I would just look at myself and say "yikes, I don't look good." I even have a good before and after picture to illustrate my point. The first photo is from mid-2019 and the second was the weekend after my last day:

Can you tell the difference? I added the stars to the top one to make me sparkle a little bit for a facebook profile photo. I look like the life has been sucked out of me. The current picture, yeah, I am grayer and I still have circles under my eyes, but I look alive and have some excitement in my eyes. I felt very alive and present that day too. So, the lead nurse was right. I do look happy but it's not because of working at the clinic. It's just how I am right now.

I smile at every client I work with at both places. I ask how they are and make small talk. They find me to be "really nice" and "don't mess with her though..." which is important to me. That's about boundaries. It's not that I wasn't nice to my previous clients. I just didn't have the energy to be "happy" or look happy. I don't even have to try right now. My default mode is smiling. Saying Hi to strangers and make small talk with cashiers. I really missed this part of me. I like talking to people. I like having friendly interactions. With all the chaos and negativity in the world, do we really even know what a simple smile can do for someone? Or treating each other with a little respect? God, I missed "this". Whatever "this" is defined as. Maybe it's just me being me or me being happy and doing more positive things. I don't know. I used to have it, I lost it and now it's back. 

So, what's the difference? I hear similar comments now that I had previously. Currently, I am being offered possible promotions, full-time hours, more hours, more perks....I have been there for 3 weeks. My nurse manager said "they are going to see what I saw and try to steal you. Absolutely not." The difference right now seems to be the genuineness that I feel when they say these things. I believed it from my previous co-workers, but not from management. The positive feedback that I got seemed rare at that level and often felt forced. I would hear "good job" but I rarely believed that. I don't feel like I sought a lot of approval from management and at the same time I really needed it. When I critiqued about every move I made, I stopped knowing what move to make. Make the same move on two different days and the reactions would be total opposites. "I did this worksheet with a client....." Way to think outside the box, what a great idea! The next day, why are you doing that in session, that should be homework. I started to feel that the tables would turn in order to maintain a level of control. I began to develop serious self-doubt. It's still lingering right now, although it is falling to wayside more quickly than I would have thought.

I am back where I feel good. I am not the best nurse in the world, but I am a damn good nurse. I am smart and capable of a lot. To be recognized so rapidly in this environment has been almost shocking. I spent the first year of my last position wondering which day of the week they were going to fire me. I didn't even decorate my office the first year because I literally thought everyday was going to be my last. It slowly got better as I gained more skill in my craft. However, it never got as good as it is right now after being with my current employer for 3 weeks. I feel heard and appreciated. I got up at 4:00am for three days in a row this week and didn't really mind (WHAT?!?!). I had a great experience at the methadone clinic. I will continue to pick up a few shifts here and there. I was back back at my facility today for a staff meeting and I was greeted like they hadn't seen me in 10 years. "You're home!" I have been there....seriously....three weeks. 

 Additionally, I accepted a position on the Board of Directors for a local non-profit. I feel like a serious grown-up here. I had a meeting on Monday night and was so energized by the ideas around the table. I will have the opportunity to participate in some things I really love to do like public speaking. I will take a couple of hours a month to help support this non-profit I very much believe in. Had this opportunity come any earlier, I would have had to decline because of a lack of energy and will. That would have been sad. Several of the board members commented after I introduced myself  with "WOW. What haven't you done. You are a great addition." 

So, the biggest difference is how I feel about myself within my job situation. I will never change. My job is a huge part of me and my identity. I have been counseled about this and warned about this; however, my purpose in life is work. I often call myself the childless mother. I have that innate motherly instinct to take care of others. Because I don't have children, I put most of my energy into work and put that instinct/desire to good use. It's when the balance is lost and my job takes over everything is when I get in trouble. I know that now - very clearly in fact. Today, when I shut down my station at the clinic, I chatted with a couple of folks for a few minutes, hopped in my car and started to think about what I was going to write in my blog. I thought about successes in my day for a few minutes and leave the "not so successful" moments behind just as quickly. (An example....changing out a methadone bottle and spilling it all over the place.....ugh! They told me that is their version of hazing. Everyone does it at some point. Glad day 3 was the day for me.)  Anyway, I just don't take it home. It is the most freeing thing I have experience in a long time. 

So, while year 42 was pretty rough, in a lot of ways, what I posted for my birthday meme was true. 42 - the answer to life, the universe and everything. The answer was to get my life back, put my universe and relationship to it back in place and watch everything change. Year 43 has great promise thus far. So, here's to many more days of random smiles and a balanced life. I am super, crazy busy; it's MY kind of super crazy busy that brings me great joy.

Peace,
​Julie

There's an ongoing joke in the world of AA about substance addiction. "I hate the way things are! I also hate change!" While most of us smile or giggle a bit when we hear that, I know I had been stuck in that rut for many years. When I got out of treatment the first time, my sponsor at the time quoted the above saying, "If nothing changes, nothing changes." One thing I have learned about myself in recovery, if I get testy, annoyed or angry about something said to me, it's because whatever it is.....it's true. My brain can be pretty stubborn, especially when addiction is rolling around activated because I am not working some part of my recovery.

I thought about this saying a lot in my last few months of my decision making process to change jobs. It was strange how similar the process was about leaving my job and deciding not to drink again. In both situations, I was really concerned about what my future was going to look like. Without drinking, was life even possible? I knew life beyond my job was possible, I just wasn't sure I was ever going to find the mix of people I worked with and a similar opportunity in the future. With treatment, I was a voluntary admit. I made that decision to go in. I was terrified and feeling so ashamed of myself. I panicked and pushed through. I had a moment of clarity and jumped on whatever that intervention was to look at something different. I labored about this decision to leave my job and then one day, actually one email threw me over the edge. I jumped on that moment of clarity and resigned the very next day. 

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I wasn't really taking good care of my recovery. It's a weird concept to look at active addiction when a person isn't using. I think my addiction gets super aggravated by stress. I read nightly about what the symptoms of chronic, long-term stress looked like. I knew my health issues were related to stress. I knew that my mental health decline was due to stress. I kept reading all of this blogs and articles about the anxiety, depression, lack of motivation and practical inability to function which results from prolonged stress. I check every box of every quiz about symptoms or experiences. Yet, I pushed on and on because change is hard. And scary. And ironically, stressful. 

Here are some of the health signs I found about chronic stress: 
*Low energy.
*Headaches.
*Upset stomach, including diarrhea, constipation, and nausea.
*Aches, pains, and tense muscles.
*Chest pain and rapid heartbeat.
*Insomnia.
*Frequent colds and infections.
Check, check, check, check, etc. I had all of these. These issues then turn into the emotional symptoms of chronic stress:
*Feeling you can't get things done.
*Moodiness.
*Anxiety.
*Restlessness.
*Lack of motivation.
*Irritability.
*Sadness or depression.
Again, check, check, check, check, etc. 

What does addiction look like for me when I am not drinking? I focused on this for the first 2 years of my recovery because I have to admit, addiction is a sneaky bastard. There are little shifts here and there. Suddenly, I just walked 10 steps closer to the liquor store before I realized it.
*Irritability - This isn't just crabby, this is aggressive and mean
*A Clinical Case of the F-Its - I don't care, I don't want to care, why bother, this sucks, everything sucks
*Thinking about drinking and if I could get away with it. Normally if I think about drinking, that is something fleeting and I let go of it right away. "Wow it would be fun to have a beer, but no - Diet Pepsi please!" When addiction is active for me, I jump on that bandwagon and actually start to think in more detail about if I could really do that. I went to visit a friend last week and we both talked about how we thought about relapsing as a way to get out of our jobs. That folks, is addiction thinking and it's not good.
*Disregard for Values: One of my absolute favor things about recovery was finally getting in touch with the things that were important to me. I got an assignment after being sober for 7 months. "List your values." OK. Um family - I dig them. Work - I need money and something to give me purpose. That is all I could come up with. My therapist and I did some major work around this and by year one of consistent recovery, I knew exactly what was important to me, what my boundaries were and what I could no longer compromise on. When addiction is alive and well, I start to disregard these things. First the shifts are subtle, letting cleaning go, not caring about what time I showed up to work. Then the disregard evolved into lying by omission to others about where I was at. I developed a lot of absenteeism from work. The addict part of my mind just said "people are gonna freak if you are honest....so don't." I didn't. I stopped valuing my recovery. Boom. Danger Zone. Red flags. 

That's what it looks like to white knuckle sobriety. I am not happy about much. I am not grateful about much. I stopped caring about the things that mean the world to me. I convinced myself to isolate when I know the opposite is what I need. I thought about giving up recovery because "it's hard and I don't like it..." (so says my addict brain). I was becoming so short-tempered and angry all the time. I could barely stand myself. I think this is one of the reasons I tried to sleep so much. No thinking. Yet, dreaming was an issue too. I was dreaming about all sort of shenanigans to get into trouble. No rest for the weary I guess.

Fast forward to today. Wow. I have been more socially active in the past 3 weeks than the prior 5 months. I am working less hours, earning the same amount of money. I ACTUALLY HAVE TIME TO TAKE CARE OF ME. I have still not perfected what I need to take care of me. I do know that everything above isn't it. I returned to recovery readings. I have re-connected with some AA buddies. I have started to breath again. I am shedding fear and taking on a huge change. It has paid of 10,000 fold for me. I feel like my previous job and state are now year ago. As I mentioned in my last blog, I am still holding on to some resentments. That will just take some time to heal. When I go into work, I am  not tortured or anxiety ridden. My commute is 10 minutes and I am home in a flash. I have the energy to do something after work, not crawl immediately into bed and not sleep for 8 hours. I was truly unaware that this change would have this level of impact on my life. It was terrifying. It was exciting. Three weeks in, I am happy to say it was totally worth it. I miss my work family a ton. I will maintain those friendships the best I can. They are important people to me. 

When I was in counseling, I often told the people that I worked with that some of the best amends are you living a good life. I think about how my family was so relieved and happy when I started to get into recovery. I wasn't so sad anymore. I wasn't unhappy. I wasn't changing jobs every 2 minutes. I was focused and available. I wasn't in the hospital, the psych ward or the detox centers anymore. There was no need to worry about me the way they had in the past. I think anyone that knows me and cares about me would agree: The only thing people have ever wished for me is a good life and happiness. Because my hope is returning, along with my energy, I feel like I am on the fast track to getting back to my values and my happiness. I am not fighting with myself anymore. I am not thinking about drinking anymore. I am ready to be brave and try things I haven't done before (like chemistry ugh). 

I don't think changes have to be as big as the one I recently made to have a huge impact on one's life. I saw how little changes brought me back to a place of guilt and shame. Little changes can be so helpful to starting to turn in a different direction. Say something nice about yourself. Tell yourself that you are successful (because you are!!!). I have been told on more than one occasion that I am my own worse critic. I am exceptionally hard on myself which has contributed to a significant loss of confidence. Each day of the last 3 weeks, I have made some steps to gain that confidence back. I am so tremendously happy to be back in nursing. Things are falling into place and I am feeling like I am in a place to be grateful for it. I started praying again. I have located a new church that I would like to try. I have reconnected with my recovery community. I am getting rigorously honest about where I was and where I want to go. My God, this feels amazing. Sometimes, I am just no aware of how bad things had become until I step away. 

Wishing everyone a great February!
​Julie