Memes

 LifeObviously life has changed for me in the past few months for the better. Something was bothering me last fall as I was scrolling through my FB feed and other social media. If you are connected with me on FB, you know I love memes. I post one every day. I try to keep them funny. I need a laugh and so do you. So, the point of this post is not to bad mouth memes. Last fall, as I really felt down in the dumps about life, I started to become really resentful of inspirational memes, recovery memes excluded. Memes like the ones above really mad me angry and think about leaving social media all together. Wow, that's a pretty strong response to people trying to post motivational things and provide hope, isn't it?

Inspirational quotes are a good thing which is part of the reason I was confused about reading one casually and thinking "Yeah, screw you". What happened? Now that life is moving in a different direction, I just love these quotes about how attitude can change everything! It can! I am so happy now. life can be summed up in less than 20 words! Last fall, that was not the case. I was miserable and sad. In my mind, I was thinking that I tried to change my attitude and it didn't work. I tried to find the positive and find something to grateful for each day. I wanted to feel better and just could not. When I would read "this too shall pass" (a rather favorite quote of mine), I would start foaming at the mouth. What happened? Why be so testy about being positive? Today, I am all for it. Yup, attitude makes a difference. Controlling your reactions is really important. Tell me something motivational.

Here's my simple answer. I didn't feel validated when I read these memes when life was not going the way I wanted it. I felt judged; like some how, in addition to being self conscious about my place in the world at that moment, I was also failing myself by not thinking happy enough thoughts. When I was at my crafting retreat in December, the staff had a morning devotional and encouraged us not to judge other people. For instance, someone that sped by at a dangerous speed on the freeway might have just found out that their child is dying. The person that is always grumpy might be suffering from depression. I get that concept. One of my fellow retreaters commented that, sure, I can try to appreciate what another person is going through, but what about if they are doing harm or causing more disturbance. Are we supposed to sit by and "try" to understand that they lack the ability to be safe? No, of course not. I have a suspicion that she felt like I felt when life was summed up into a neat little piece of advice. Nice advice, but there are times when that is just not what can be done. There were simply times that thinking about my life more positively was not going to cut through the toxicity of the environment. 

The challenge of an addicted mind is the overt black and white thinking that takes over. I think as we age we also tend to become more rigid about things as well. I have a certain way I like to do things. I don't like to have huge disruptions in that part of my life. So, as I was going through the 2019 year of hell (in my humble opinion), I was looking at each of those memes in a black and white sense. As I commented on in earlier entry, I wasn't taking good care of my recovery. Black and whiting thinking is first red flag I can usually identify when things are not going very well. I would see a meme about creating peace in your life. I would interpret that as "you are creating your own mess. Get a better attitude." Yes, I play a role in all of my interactions and my relationships in life. However, there is a point at which I can have the best attitude there is nothing that is going to change the level of misery I am experiencing. Some time having a great attitude isn't going to cut it. A change might be necessary. Attitude is a part of it, but not all of it.

I searched blogs about changing careers and leaving the field of counseling. I read a lot about burnout. And while I probably drove myself pretty hard in counseling, I was pushed farther and farther beyond my breaking point because of the environment I was in and the duties of my job. I was stuck in a situation of no consistency. My self-esteem was attacked on a near daily basis. Things like "you should get back to counseling because whatever you are doing isn't working right now." This was in response to me having slipped on ice and hitting my head in the parking lot. I was being blamed for falling because my self care was not good enough. Sadly, that is not even the worst of it. I was in an abusive environment and I knew it. So I saw these memes wondering if there was anything I could do to make it better. You know, "don't take it on!" "It says more about them than you!" "Let it go!" Yeah, yeah, yeah. If that was even remotely helpful, I would have been still be there. 

During the week that I was getting close to putting in my notice, I read a blog entry about when it is time to move on from a job. I did a blog entry around then about the pros and cons of where I was at. I knew that the cons were piling up and I needed to pull the trigger at some point. What I read in this blog was so validating. "Top 10 things you can do when you are deciding to make a change." #4 - Stop read`ing the internet memes about how the angst and genuine unhappiness in your current situation is somehow your fault for not thinking positively enough. The heavens opened and the light was shining in. When I would see these really great quotes, deep down I was feeling shame that my efforts to employ these reasonable skills didn't work. I guess that means I am kind of a failure on some level. 

The article offered some suggestions about reading materials about change and stop looking at articles about trying to make a dysfunctional environment work. In essence, in order to continue to limp along in that environment, I would have to start slowly giving away pieces of myself. Often times, I found myself playing games to keep the peace or to avoid conflict that wasn't even warranted. I slowly decreased giving my opinion. I would change my opinion on a dime to agree so that things would not erupt. I was working all the time to figure out the mood of day while strategically deciding what I could or could not do. That, ladies and gentleman, is the definition of living with addiction. If you are a family member, friend or spouse to an addict, you know exactly what I just described. I was changing my whole life to "adapt" to an environment that I could not possibly adapt to or predict. There was nothing any inspirational meme of the day could offer me that would change this management.

Once I started to shift my focus on "staying" to "changing", the anger I felt subsided some. I had to recognize that, in general, at a 10,000 foot level, inspirational memes are generally decent guidelines to strive for. Work on releasing anger. This too will absolutely pass. Your attitude does have an impact. However, a statement with 10-12 words is not going to address my need in that moment for change. It may serve as a good reminder in other areas of my life, but there is absolutely no need to apply some of those quotes to my life in certain moments. For the record, I was not always the best employee. I tried my best and like any other human being, I fell short at times. There were other times when I went above and beyond too. So in the grand scheme of things, I think I averaged out to be pretty decent. Pretty OK is not enough for me. I don't need to be the top of any field or anything really. I need to feel comfortably confident. And not confident in a prideful kind of way. Just a feeling of knowing that I am competent and good at my job. My job/work is #3 on the list of that which is more important to me. (#1 Recovery, #2 Family). 

Now I am back reading these same memes thinking, "yeah, good advice." Ha. It's easier to think about being happy when you're actually happy. I know from my DBT training that the worse thing I can do when I am feeling down is to find something to feed that feeling. It a weird way, these positive posts were feeding me negatively because of the way that I chose to interpret them. To be real, I was feeling like a failure on some level. Why couldn't I just "get over" some of the things that were said to me? Why wasn't I able to just leave work at work? Why couldn't I figure out how not to burn out? I can ask questions all day long. What I have learned out of 2019 is that those answers are not going to matter. Even if I could figure it out, I would have to adapt in a way that is not possible for me to do. What it all came down to is that no matter what the reason, I just could not do it. I didn't fail. I didn't succeed. I tried and I didn't fit into that mold. As much as I tried to jam myself into that mold, I would start to get angry and uncomfortable. There were parts of me that I was not going to change. I will not change with regards to caring for patients or clients. I am not able to not take feedback personally if it is offered in such a manner as to purposely swipe at my ability to make decisions. I won't change those things and I cannot, therefore, choosing a new environment is the answer, not a better attitude.

In early fall 2019, I sat in my therapist office after a particularly bad week. I rushed through all the details of the week, becoming angry as I spoke it. "I just need sit here and shut up because whatever I am doing is not working. Tell me what I should do." I crossed my arms and sunk back in the chair and stared at him. He said nothing. He jotted down a few notes, then set his pen and paper down on the ground. He looked right at me and said, "this job brings out the worst in you." My initial response was to be upset. The whole "what's wrong with me? I am not the problem here" gig. I thought about what he said for about 2 weeks. I started to notice, the parts of me I like least were coming out tenfold. I was irritable. I was annoyed. I was angry. I was stuck in black and white thinking. I was being reckless with recovery. I was depressed. I was inconsistent with work attendance. I was complaining all of the time. I was on edge. Yeah, he was right. This job was bringing the worse out of me with the worst thing being: I was losing hope. Now, whether that was strictly a work environment thing or the actual work, it's hard to say. What I do know is that I still love working with recovery, just at a bit of a distance. 

Currently, I have a job where the best is brought out of me. I have not missed a day of work in 6 weeks (I was averaging 4-6 days a month previously). I ask every client I see how their day was. Often they will ask me back. "Actually? I am great. Thank you for asking." Tonight a client asked why I was great. "Because I feel like myself again." He probably thinks I am nuts. Most of them do because I like to be goofy and fun. They are doing a lot of serious work while they are there. When I see them during their free time, I would like them to smile a bit or at least know that I really do care how their day was. I care because I was once there too. I know the heartache of being there. I know what they are asked to do to get better. I understand their fears of the time after treatment. I think that helps me to be a good nurse in the behavioral health field. I am there to be of help. I will provide the help that I can. And, when I punch out at night, I know that they are in good hands.

Now, I guess it's back to scrolling through my feed and being OK with the motivational memes of the day. I now know to keep in mind that no one quote is going to ever address every need of every situation. Back to living in the gray. I am grateful tonight to be back in a situation where the best parts of me are brought back out. I smile more. I engage more. I get to work. I do good work. I come home happy. 

Peace,
Julie