One of the main promises of AA is that we will be able to achieve a life worth living and sense of contentment that we have never known. I believe that I have just recently achieved this major part of my recovery. As I was sitting on patio tonight, I realized how good things are now. I just sat, happy, watching my cat, Duke, try to catch a smart spider. My other cat, Daisy sat at the doorway watching her brother, content to just be looking outside. It was a just a moment in time, not the first time I have been in this situation, but maybe just the first time I took a second to enjoy it. Life has changed. For the better for sure.

I had the honor of meeting and listening to a person who was attending an AA meeting for the first time. I will call him James. He looked broken, tears were welling up in his eyes. His body was tired and his soul was empty. He never really said any of that outright, but I know exactly how he felt. When it was his turn to talk, he was weeping. I did that too. The emotion is so overpowering but it is a moment of revelation. A lot of people never get to this point and end up dying from this disease. He did say he was relieved to see all sorts of people of different ages, backgrounds and different type of addicted people. A lot of folk attend AA that have meth or heroine addictions. NA and AA have the same premise. AA meetings just tend to me more available.

He was talking about how he expected to find a group of old men sitting around drinking coffee. That particular meeting is anything but! Yes, we have coffee, but men and women, teenagers and seniors alike all sit in the same room and support each other. We talk about good times and bad times. We laugh about who we used to be and how our lives have changed for the better. I am sure it would be a shock to find something so polar opposite as your expectations, hopefully in a good way. He continued to talk about how life had become too much and dying either a slow death via drinking or a quick death with a gunshot to the head seems a better option than getting sober. Oh, how I remember that feeling. It was such a terrible existence. No hope. Always in fear.

In addition to AA, however, I really have found a larger combination of all sorts of things have really made the difference in getting me where I am today. I have seen a few different pysch docs over the years. My very first one I don't think really cared. He would meet with me for 10 minutes. If I had issues, up my meds, if I didn't - see you back in week. $300 bill later. Ugh. When I needed to change my whole provider team because of insurance coverage, I see the resident MDs at the University. I have seen 3 different ones. The first one met with me for 2 hours and kept me somewhat stable during my initial attempts to quit drinking. The second one was nice, but not quite my style. He wanted to pediatric medicine and he is probably fabulous at it. The one I currently meet with is the one that I like the best. I like his approach and I always feel like I am really involved the final decision. Because of this really good dynamic, I think I am on the best medications to keep my depression and anxiety at bay. These are huge triggers for my drinking, so to have them only be in my life in a minimal way has kept this sobriety train moving in the right direction.

The biggest stride, I believe though, is getting over myself. It took me almost a year to stop believing what my thoughts were telling me. I find it so strange that I reverted into my head so much that I couldn't even believe what people outside of myself told me. "Julie, you are a giving person..." turned into "yeah, but if you knew what I piece of shit drunk I was....". "Julie, you are strong enough to get through this...." turned into "but I can't even not pick up a drink, I am weak-willed and a POS...." I wonder if James was feeling the same way when he was talking....To think, 2 years ago, I didn't know that I could tell my own thoughts to take a hike. I thought I really had to believe it. If I was thinking it, it must be true.

Along with this piece came acceptance. The fastest way to get out of my head was to accept that I was that person. I can do better. I have done better. I will continue to do better. I don't have to torture myself with replaying the past. There is no way to change it. If I am constantly bothered by it, I am going to practice and use my 7-9th steps of making amends. I believe the past pops up because of my guilt. But I can get through that and I will get through it. If I can stop drinking, I can pretty much do anything now. Will it be hard? Oh yes, but I think the temporary pain will certainly relieve the long-term annoyance. I can accept that I did all I could to rectify the past. I have to leave it in the past and keep facing forward.

Lastly, I believe that I owe my success to developing my spiritual side again. It has always been there, but I buried it deeply. The further I buried it, the more chaotic my life ended up being. I never used to believe people when they told me that. I used to feel it was some sort of weakness to need to be spiritual. It became something to hide behind. Whoa, did I ever get that one wrong. I have an inherent sense to do the right thing. Acting in a way that is doing the right thing is guided by spirituality. Spirituality is a way to fill the emptiness in my soul that I attempted to fill with alcohol. Once I allowed this part of me to bloom, wow, everything change again in the best way possible. Although AA has this large spirituality component, I believe I worked on this in my own way outside of AA. I think I cam to accept my Higher Power quicker than I got on board with the AA piece. I am just glad AA is there to remind me to stay true to that piece of me and be grateful for it.

I sure hope that James found some peace. It looked like he might have gone to get a sponsor which is awesome. It's hard enough just getting to the first meeting. Whatever it is that clicks with some people, hitting bottom or whatever, suddenly we become willing to do anything to get better. Sucking up our egos, letting go of judgments and reaching out for help are the first steps. I cried like a baby in my first meeting in treatment. No matter what I couldn't turn off the faucet. I think there was very little sadness there. I would identify those feelings with relief, fear, relief, shame, guilt and maybe a little hope thrown in there. James had a hard time stopping the tears once he started speaking. I just wanted to lean over and say "I get it. It's gonna be OK." In hindsight, I wish I had, but my instincts told me to hang back. This is his journey now. His sponsor is going to be the one to tell him he is going to be OK and have the path to show him.

Anyway, I have been just feeling calm, cool and collected for the past few weeks. Lots of happiness and joy right now. I hope this sticks around once I start school! :) I love school. I can't wait. About 10 more days and I will embark on the newest adventure in sobriety. My goal being, to have a way to make treatment and sobriety available to all those in needs. Be a part of the solution and not the problem anymore.

Thanks to all those who have been linking my blog to theirs!! I really appreciate it! I don't comment very often, but know that I read yours as well. :)

XOXOXO

Life has really become a delicate balance of trusting that the greater universe is making happen what needs to happen while also trying to actively engaging in change. There are some situations in life that I can easily look at and say "well, that's just the way things need to happen..." Usually these things are the easier situations in life. Maybe the hardest situations being those in which I experience some disappointment, but no real disruptions in life. The more difficult ones are the situations that feel unfair and become disruptive. It only seems well after the situation has past that I can see how the greater role plays out to get me to where I need to be.

In my efforts to be more mindful these days, I am really trying to approach life in general as, "whatever will be will be..." I think I have taken an active enough role in changing my thoughts and thinking that I can really be allowed to get let things progress in the way that they were meant to be. It's been a struggle, no doubt. There are people, places and things that make it so hard to just say "hey, let's let this play out and see where it lands....". My struggles with guilt also seem to sneak in during these times. I feel like I SHOULD be doing something or offering suggestions or try and take control. Ugh, I know exactly where this lands me - feeling lost, out of control and frustrated. On the flip side of the coin, though, it is hard to get to that point of acceptance and say "well, this sucks, but their must be a greater purpose here".

This next phase of my journey is going to have a lot of these struggles. I just hope that I have practiced enough to be able to see what I need to see and experience what I need to experience. This part of my recovery is so different than my first 2 years. I felt like I was always having to fight in those first 2 years. I was fighting urges, dreams, thoughts, memories, stress, apathy, depression, anxiety, change. It was just one thing after another and most of the time, many things all at once. Now that things have evened out some, I feel like I have turned a corner of some sort. It's a good one, it just really different. In case people have gathered from my previous blogs, I don't like change all that much. I am glad, on some level though, that I don't need to have a battle. I think I have been creating some battles within myself just because I have become accustom to it. My therapist, along with others in my care team keep telling me that I am doing well. I believe that, just not all the time. Creating mountains out of mole hills in an effort to keep the norm.....sigh....

I went to a friend's wedding yesterday. I was really excited to go, mainly, because I knew there were going to be quite a few people there that I hadn't seen in so many years. I really had a blast. There was no social anxiety, there was no craving for alcohol, there were many laughs and new memories created. I felt good and confident in the person I have become. It was such a change. I was quite scared to go. The last time I saw a lot of these people, I was still married and was drinking so heavily. What if I didn't remember being a total jerk to them? What if they really don't like me because of who I was? So, my brain starts moving in the wrong direction. I jumped into my "OPPOSITE TO EMOTION ACTION". I started feeling fear, I looked in the mirror and said, whatever will be will be. Take a shower and get your ass moving, don't forget their card and let's do this. Ironically, I got terribly lost and ran into someone else that got lost going to the wedding. They figured it out and I was able to follow them. I never would have figured that out. See? The greater universe at play. I was meant to be there, I looked fear in the eye and said too bad, I am on my way.

It just dawned on me that having control in a situation while having the greater universe at play can actually co-exist too! I was really thinking that these two things were quite separate and could not coexist. Well, there you have it, they can. I got myself rolling and the universe took care of the rest. What a day!

In 4 days I will be celebrating my 2 years. In 3 weeks, I will be starting grad school. In 2 years I will be a counselor. Wow, 4 years ago, all I wanted to do was die. What was I thinking? Life is good to be buried under ground! :)

XOXOX