A Sense of Contentment

One of the main promises of AA is that we will be able to achieve a life worth living and sense of contentment that we have never known. I believe that I have just recently achieved this major part of my recovery. As I was sitting on patio tonight, I realized how good things are now. I just sat, happy, watching my cat, Duke, try to catch a smart spider. My other cat, Daisy sat at the doorway watching her brother, content to just be looking outside. It was a just a moment in time, not the first time I have been in this situation, but maybe just the first time I took a second to enjoy it. Life has changed. For the better for sure.

I had the honor of meeting and listening to a person who was attending an AA meeting for the first time. I will call him James. He looked broken, tears were welling up in his eyes. His body was tired and his soul was empty. He never really said any of that outright, but I know exactly how he felt. When it was his turn to talk, he was weeping. I did that too. The emotion is so overpowering but it is a moment of revelation. A lot of people never get to this point and end up dying from this disease. He did say he was relieved to see all sorts of people of different ages, backgrounds and different type of addicted people. A lot of folk attend AA that have meth or heroine addictions. NA and AA have the same premise. AA meetings just tend to me more available.

He was talking about how he expected to find a group of old men sitting around drinking coffee. That particular meeting is anything but! Yes, we have coffee, but men and women, teenagers and seniors alike all sit in the same room and support each other. We talk about good times and bad times. We laugh about who we used to be and how our lives have changed for the better. I am sure it would be a shock to find something so polar opposite as your expectations, hopefully in a good way. He continued to talk about how life had become too much and dying either a slow death via drinking or a quick death with a gunshot to the head seems a better option than getting sober. Oh, how I remember that feeling. It was such a terrible existence. No hope. Always in fear.

In addition to AA, however, I really have found a larger combination of all sorts of things have really made the difference in getting me where I am today. I have seen a few different pysch docs over the years. My very first one I don't think really cared. He would meet with me for 10 minutes. If I had issues, up my meds, if I didn't - see you back in week. $300 bill later. Ugh. When I needed to change my whole provider team because of insurance coverage, I see the resident MDs at the University. I have seen 3 different ones. The first one met with me for 2 hours and kept me somewhat stable during my initial attempts to quit drinking. The second one was nice, but not quite my style. He wanted to pediatric medicine and he is probably fabulous at it. The one I currently meet with is the one that I like the best. I like his approach and I always feel like I am really involved the final decision. Because of this really good dynamic, I think I am on the best medications to keep my depression and anxiety at bay. These are huge triggers for my drinking, so to have them only be in my life in a minimal way has kept this sobriety train moving in the right direction.

The biggest stride, I believe though, is getting over myself. It took me almost a year to stop believing what my thoughts were telling me. I find it so strange that I reverted into my head so much that I couldn't even believe what people outside of myself told me. "Julie, you are a giving person..." turned into "yeah, but if you knew what I piece of shit drunk I was....". "Julie, you are strong enough to get through this...." turned into "but I can't even not pick up a drink, I am weak-willed and a POS...." I wonder if James was feeling the same way when he was talking....To think, 2 years ago, I didn't know that I could tell my own thoughts to take a hike. I thought I really had to believe it. If I was thinking it, it must be true.

Along with this piece came acceptance. The fastest way to get out of my head was to accept that I was that person. I can do better. I have done better. I will continue to do better. I don't have to torture myself with replaying the past. There is no way to change it. If I am constantly bothered by it, I am going to practice and use my 7-9th steps of making amends. I believe the past pops up because of my guilt. But I can get through that and I will get through it. If I can stop drinking, I can pretty much do anything now. Will it be hard? Oh yes, but I think the temporary pain will certainly relieve the long-term annoyance. I can accept that I did all I could to rectify the past. I have to leave it in the past and keep facing forward.

Lastly, I believe that I owe my success to developing my spiritual side again. It has always been there, but I buried it deeply. The further I buried it, the more chaotic my life ended up being. I never used to believe people when they told me that. I used to feel it was some sort of weakness to need to be spiritual. It became something to hide behind. Whoa, did I ever get that one wrong. I have an inherent sense to do the right thing. Acting in a way that is doing the right thing is guided by spirituality. Spirituality is a way to fill the emptiness in my soul that I attempted to fill with alcohol. Once I allowed this part of me to bloom, wow, everything change again in the best way possible. Although AA has this large spirituality component, I believe I worked on this in my own way outside of AA. I think I cam to accept my Higher Power quicker than I got on board with the AA piece. I am just glad AA is there to remind me to stay true to that piece of me and be grateful for it.

I sure hope that James found some peace. It looked like he might have gone to get a sponsor which is awesome. It's hard enough just getting to the first meeting. Whatever it is that clicks with some people, hitting bottom or whatever, suddenly we become willing to do anything to get better. Sucking up our egos, letting go of judgments and reaching out for help are the first steps. I cried like a baby in my first meeting in treatment. No matter what I couldn't turn off the faucet. I think there was very little sadness there. I would identify those feelings with relief, fear, relief, shame, guilt and maybe a little hope thrown in there. James had a hard time stopping the tears once he started speaking. I just wanted to lean over and say "I get it. It's gonna be OK." In hindsight, I wish I had, but my instincts told me to hang back. This is his journey now. His sponsor is going to be the one to tell him he is going to be OK and have the path to show him.

Anyway, I have been just feeling calm, cool and collected for the past few weeks. Lots of happiness and joy right now. I hope this sticks around once I start school! :) I love school. I can't wait. About 10 more days and I will embark on the newest adventure in sobriety. My goal being, to have a way to make treatment and sobriety available to all those in needs. Be a part of the solution and not the problem anymore.

Thanks to all those who have been linking my blog to theirs!! I really appreciate it! I don't comment very often, but know that I read yours as well. :)

XOXOXO