It has not gone unnoticed that May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Apparently, this has been in place since the 1940s and I think about all of the the progress that has been made in reducing the stigma around mental health over the past 60 years, even 30 years for that matter. I am part of a family that is wholly accepting of mental health issues and something that we can talk about when things are tough. Never a judgement. Only acceptance. How fortunate am I?!!?

I have noted in my Facebook feed that several of my friends have taken the opportunity to talk about their specific experiences with sensory disorders, depression, autism, anxiety and panic attacks. I have an infinite amount of compassion for mental health concerns.  Even in the most difficult of circumstances when mental health symptoms are at play, I try to have compassion because if you ask the person that is struggling, they often would not choose to experience the world the way that they are. Mental health is often invisible, misunderstood and judged more harshly than most other medical conditions.

I thought I would follow the lead of my friends and be a little more open about my personal experiences with mental health. I believe my diagnoses are major depressive disorder - severe, persistent, generalized anxiety disorder and avoidant personality traits. I was officially diagnosed with MDD and GAD back in 2004. I was never honest with my doctors about how much I was drinking so much of what I was experiencing in those days was enhanced by my alcohol use. Let me tell you, the frustration I felt about the depressive and anxiety symptoms not abating when I stopped drinking, was pretty profound. Good grief, the symptoms got worse in a way. Not only was I depressed and anxiety, I experience anhedonia which is this lovely inability to find or feel pleasure in anything. That lasted for a year after I stopped drinking. It was seriously painful. Fortunately, I had more wherewithal to get help instead of trying to end it all after I stopped drinking and was in treatment. That was the most major complication of being dual diagnosed: Every time I would drink, I would get relief from paralyzing anxiety and dark depression for about 15 minutes. Then the my view of the world changed at minute 16 and I started planning on ways to end it all.  Most nights, I would be too drunk to make a move. A few times the courage broke through and I would land in the hospital.

If you were to look up the symptoms of depression and anxiety, you could make a check mark next to just about every symptom for me. I have experienced them all from the lack of energy, excessive sleep, thoughts of being better off dead, irritability, restlessness, crying excessively. Again, most of these symptoms were exacerbated by my use and lead to some bad decisions. Therapy was not super helpful back then. I wanted to whole world to be wrong and for me to be the victim. I didn't want to change anything about my life. I would convince my therapist of all the horrors I experienced on a daily basis including bad coworkers, people being "after me", changing jobs because people were after me, etc. I continued to go though, because someone was listening to be even if I was full of shit.

Fast forward to today. It took 3 years and a lot of adjustments, but I finally found the right medication combination to give me some relief from some of the most debilitating features of my depression and anxious. I have tried over the past 8 years to reduce to stop certain medications. It never goes well and I am finally in acceptance that I will have to take antidepressants for a lifetime. If I don't, depression takes over my whole world, leaves me listless, anxiety ridden and wondering what is the fastest way out. I would be highly likely return to drinking. I believe to this day that if I return to drinking, I will not make it out again. I have another drunk in me, I don't know that I have another recovery.

I have no problem talking about the fact that I see a therapist. There are a few very important things that he helps me with in regards to my mental health. He helps me to understand what is symptoms vs efforts to self-sabotage myself.  He reinforces (regularly by the way) to show myself the same compassion that I show others with mental health issues. He challenges my thinking when I am in a lost place and wondering what the next steps are. This is my 1 hour per week that is all about me. How was the week? Am I feeling burned out? Am I anxious? Did I have some really cool things happen? I can get out of my head because it can get pretty busy in there. I have a conversation about my mind without judgement. I can process decisions and situations. 

My therapist is currently helping me work with the personality traits that I have developed over the years. I was unhappy when we talked about my tendencies to avoid a lot of things in life. This is how I know he has hit on something. He told me once that I am quick to get defense which my response was "I am not defensive, how could you say that?" Ahhh, the irony. We worked on that for several session too. If it hurts my ego a bit, it's something to look at. So, back to avoiding, part of my issue with depression is feeling like I am incapable or lack mastery in getting through my day. By avoiding, I don't allow myself a voice. I create additional anxiety by not taking care of things. I will start to sleep more so that I can shut off the internal conversation about how stupid my own avoiding is. Thanks to working with a therapist, we have changed the direction of most of this. I still avoid some things but I am able to see my patterns. By seeing patterns, I am empowered to change them if I so choose. 

There are times that I am happy to talk about my mental health concerns especially while I was drinking and in early recovery. I haven't talked about it directly in a while. I have eluded to it here and there in my writing but never really talked directly that I still have issues to this day. I realized during my session with my therapist today -- I carry my own stigma about my own mental health. By saying that I am having a tough time or feeling depressed, I assume that others will see me as incapable, compromised and/or not in a good place to do my job. I preach all about being compassionate to one's self when feelings of anxiety or depression are present. I really believe that. I really do. I just don't believe in extending the same compassion to myself. My self-talk includes a lot of "shoulds". I shouldn't feel this way. I need to grow up and get out of bed. I am too old to sleep all day when "I don't feel good." (This one really bugs my therapist.) I talk with my client frequently about shame and I go home and shame myself for being anxious for "no reason" or not feeling up to being around people. Somehow I hope that shame will get me to change. I keep getting the message that there is nothing "wrong" per se with me so shame isn't going to cut it. Intellectually I know this, but my heart is a little slower to come around.

I have been in depressive episode (more mild with times of being more moderate) since last fall. I upped the contact with my therapist since this time. He reminds me that I have made weekly appointments, religiously, since September of last year. Obviously, I am wanting to be better and be proactive in making changes if I continue to show up week after week even when he says things I don't really want to hear. If you think about it, having an avoidant personality, I don't avoid this. Success. Sadly, since last September, I have seen myself as weak, unable to cope with daily life and acting like a kid. In reality, I am doing a lot better than that, it just doesn't always feel that way. When I am in these depressive episodes, the severity can change rapidly - something I feel very annoyed about. I can have an amazing week at work and then do nothing for 3 days straight because the idea of getting out of bed is too overwhelming. I can spend my 42 minute commute wondering what I might have done wrong in the past 2 weeks because I have need to be prepared for something bad in my supervision. I can feel my irritability get the best of me and lash out in inappropriate ways (this one bother me a lot). I have adopted this as part of my personality to my co-workers because the idea of people knowing that it is because I am in a depressive moment and my emotions get the better of me is painful. 

The way I experience depression: black and white thinking, lack of self-compassion which results in a lack of self-care, irritability that quickly flows over into outright hostility and increased anxiety. The way I experience anxiety: racing thoughts about everything I have ever done wrong, ever, anticipating the worse case scenario, doubting my own decisions and thoughts and a total lack of desire to get out of bed because I am going to screw it up all anyway. Even as I write this, I am feeling like people will feel different about me, pity me, feel sorry for me. That is not at all what I am after in writing something like this. These symptoms I feel, the mental illness I have are things that I deal with on a daily basis. Most days, I do very well in managing my symptoms. I rarely miss my medications. I try to access my DBT skills. I reach out for help. I am getting help. I am remaining sober. I am working to find purpose and meaning in the activities of my life. I show up to therapy and go to uncomfortable places and say "I am not OK today" and no one loses their minds. Maybe it's worth saying how it really is to not feel right even when there is nothing wrong. I am a big "why" person. And I will be honest, I don't like the answer to "why" to be "because you are symptomatic of your depression" or "you anxiety is triggered and you are in too emotional of a state to be logical". It feels like I have to surrender control to things that upsets me. I don't like the idea that I am not able to control myself. Weakness, right? Excuses, maybe? Unhealthy, possibly? Incapable of managing, yeah, it feels a lot like that.

When I think about the years of drunkenness, my memories are often at night in pitch blackness. There is a cloud of gray that hangs over those memories. My mental health was so incredibly unstable during those years. In my mind, alcohol caused all the mental illness for me, so there is a mild sense of frustration that I am still dealing with the depression and anxiety all of these years later. However, I also remember being anxious as a kid. I was terribly avoidant for years and years. When I left home to study abroad in high school, I was in a severe depression for almost the entire time I was there. I was unable to put words to what I was feeling. I started with the negative self-talk back then "this is what you wanted, so be happy about it." Almost 25 years later, I am having the same conversation with myself, just a different topic -- becoming a counselor (this I am actually writing a book about, stay tuned.) 

Well, I guess that is what I wanted to say. I have thought about this entry for quite some time. Those who know me pretty well, know about me having depression and anxiety. I proudly wore the dual diagnosis tag when I first got sober and have slowly shied away from conversations about. I felt compelled by the strength of others in my life to step up and be honest. I have compassion for your mental health struggles and not for my own. It is sort of freeing in a way to be honest That kind of illogical thinking is something that I can change.

Lots of love,
J

I have started a few blog entries over the past several weeks. While the content was relevant, I could tell that my passion was not there. I was simply writing and saying things for the sake of posting something. I know that is not my best writing and those who have followed me on this journey deserve a bit more. 

I met with my therapist last week. Seriously, people, if you don't have one, get one! I appreciate his willingness to challenge my thinking. This last week he said something I really wasn't expecting. "That is really rigid thinking." Whoa, what, wait, huh? I have spent the larger part of this recovery journey trying NOT to be rigid. I know I need to live in the gray and the world is not black and white. But alas, he was right. I have gone the path of rigid, concrete, all or nothing thinking. And it's dangerous for me. I can become very obstinate when I get stuck in these patterns of thinking. I am more on edge. I am less happy. In the world of AA, I am in a spot of "irritable, restless and discontent." Just bare in mind, that does not mean my life is falling apart. It's not. I have had some amazing experiences in the last six months and pretty much every day that I woke up and chose to be sober. What I am feeling is that something is missing.

I prayed last night. I pray in short bursts usually - here is my gratitude list for the day. Here are some of the things I need help with in my day to day life. As I was praying last night, I asked about my faith and a rather lengthy talk about how I have been feeling as of late. I know what I believe. Much like recovery, my faith is my journey and I am not willing to compromise much. I adore having discussions and civil discourse about aspects of faith with others. There is always the benefit of other perspectives. Last year at this time, I was feeling inspired and motivated. Since last fall, that has faded/disappeared. A piece of me is no longer being fed. I appreciate God stepping in last night and helping me realize what is going on. I miss my church.

In 2014, I had the opportunity through a wonderful friend to attend a new church. I fell in love with it. I felt motivated. I felt empowered. I actually wanted to go back to church for the first time since I was a kid. I have struggled through the years to find a place that felt accepting and non-judgemental. I wanted to hear about what I could do to make the world a better place instead of focusing on the myriad of ways I sin and what the highway to hell looks like. I found it there. I felt God. I felt callings to do the next right thing, not to mention the motivation - something I have truly lacked in the past 6 months. I felt fulfilled in my spirituality and in the expression thereof. If you have read my blogs over the years, my recovery turned to the spiritual journey focus around 2014. I knew what I believed, I just didn't know how to express it in a way that made me feel whole.

In late 2018, I left my church. I am not going to get into the details other than to state, I was made aware of some core beliefs of the church I was not previously aware of. I could not reconcile these beliefs with what I had experienced in the sermons. I believe they will continue to be a very successful congregation and do good work. I believe their faith is authentic. I, however, could not stand as a member of the church and state that I believed in some of those core principles the vision of the church is based upon. I was working to start an addiction/recovery group there when I left. I was made aware during that process that I would not be able to participate in leading a group because of my choices in life. I failed to meet a moral standard required to lead a small group. I have a core set of beliefs too and these principles were in direct conflict with mine. I had felt a calling to do start this group and as I was moving forward in the process, not only did my dream of having a group fall apart, I lost my church. I was devastated at the result. 

Initially, I tried to tell myself that when a door closes, another one opens. Without being 100% aware, I have been wandering around since last fall trying to find another door. I need to feel inspired. I need to be around other people who want to make the world a better place. I need to be alive spiritually to feel like I am living my life purposefully. Honestly, I haven't put a ton of effort into seeking out a new church. I have become rigid because I am hurt. I feel like the rug got pulled out from underneath me and I was/am sad about it. When my heart hurts, I am very likely not to engage in anything remotely close to what I experienced that caused the heartache. This is no different. In order to "protect" myself, I convinced myself that I don't need church or need to express my spirituality in that way. Without that weekly experience, though, I have felt lost, disconnected and unmotivated to do much of anything. I think my work has suffered for it. I think my heart has suffered for it. I think my general well-being has suffered for it.

I am cautious, however, in my pursuit. My faith and recovery are very intertwined. One of first recovery tattoos was "Only God will". Most people don't really understand what I had intended with that tattoo. "Only God will, what?" is the question I get. Well, to me, it means, only God will save me. Only God will keep me sober. Only God will protect me. Only God will know my path. Only God will.....everything. God had an intervention with me at 2:48am on 02/08/2010. I had been drinking all night, over a liter of hard liquor over about 6 hours. I was crying on floor of my second bedroom in my condo in South Minneapolis. At that moment, I looked at my computer clock and I became stone cold sober for 5 minutes. "I need treatment." I said it outloud when 15 minutes prior to that I was thinking of ways to end it all. I called my mom who God kept safe as she drove through a snowstorm to get me admitted into detox. The doctor in detox pushed me to the top the list and got me a direct transfer to treatment even though 3 other people were ahead of me. I asserted my will after all of that and God doubled down and reminded me "you asked for this, now get in there and do this already!" Here's a three year monitoring program for nurses. I believe God knew that I could not live with myself if I couldn't work or if I had caused a death. I was running out of chances to not get arrested. My health was starting to fail. I didn't have much time. Only God will.....save me.

That is how powerful my God is to me. I have lost that connection with God as of recent. Praying does some for that connection. I, personally, need more. I need someway to connect, be mindful and focused.It like dating in a way. I just have to get out there and find the right place for me. I know it is out there and I am finding it harder to move past this discontentment without it. 

I don't tend to talk faith and church much. I suppose on some level we are conditioned not to talk about it since faith is something people will fight to the death about. It's a "taboo" topic of sorts. I am not one to tell people what they should or shouldn't do. I am not one to tell people how to connect with their Higher Power. I am never offended when people share that their God is not the exact same as my God. From a 30,000 foot view, most religions/churches are looking to do the next right thing. The interpretations tend to be very different but I choose to respect how people connect with something meaningful to them. I may not agree, but I can respect it. That is how I feel about my former church. I respect that they feel the way they do about their beliefs. I respectfully disagree and did what I felt was just to honor my own faith journey and remain authentic to myself. I do miss them tremendously and I miss the feeling I used to experience while I was there. 

So, the next month will be tough in terms of seeking out a new way to exercise my spirituality. The weekends are getting jam packed. However, now that I figure out what is maybe going on here, I need to make this a priority. I need this connection and way to express myself. And, since it is so important to me, I need to make sure that I am authentic in that practice and choose wisely to avoid this kind of conflict in the future. 

Julie