I Miss My Church

I have started a few blog entries over the past several weeks. While the content was relevant, I could tell that my passion was not there. I was simply writing and saying things for the sake of posting something. I know that is not my best writing and those who have followed me on this journey deserve a bit more. 

I met with my therapist last week. Seriously, people, if you don't have one, get one! I appreciate his willingness to challenge my thinking. This last week he said something I really wasn't expecting. "That is really rigid thinking." Whoa, what, wait, huh? I have spent the larger part of this recovery journey trying NOT to be rigid. I know I need to live in the gray and the world is not black and white. But alas, he was right. I have gone the path of rigid, concrete, all or nothing thinking. And it's dangerous for me. I can become very obstinate when I get stuck in these patterns of thinking. I am more on edge. I am less happy. In the world of AA, I am in a spot of "irritable, restless and discontent." Just bare in mind, that does not mean my life is falling apart. It's not. I have had some amazing experiences in the last six months and pretty much every day that I woke up and chose to be sober. What I am feeling is that something is missing.

I prayed last night. I pray in short bursts usually - here is my gratitude list for the day. Here are some of the things I need help with in my day to day life. As I was praying last night, I asked about my faith and a rather lengthy talk about how I have been feeling as of late. I know what I believe. Much like recovery, my faith is my journey and I am not willing to compromise much. I adore having discussions and civil discourse about aspects of faith with others. There is always the benefit of other perspectives. Last year at this time, I was feeling inspired and motivated. Since last fall, that has faded/disappeared. A piece of me is no longer being fed. I appreciate God stepping in last night and helping me realize what is going on. I miss my church.

In 2014, I had the opportunity through a wonderful friend to attend a new church. I fell in love with it. I felt motivated. I felt empowered. I actually wanted to go back to church for the first time since I was a kid. I have struggled through the years to find a place that felt accepting and non-judgemental. I wanted to hear about what I could do to make the world a better place instead of focusing on the myriad of ways I sin and what the highway to hell looks like. I found it there. I felt God. I felt callings to do the next right thing, not to mention the motivation - something I have truly lacked in the past 6 months. I felt fulfilled in my spirituality and in the expression thereof. If you have read my blogs over the years, my recovery turned to the spiritual journey focus around 2014. I knew what I believed, I just didn't know how to express it in a way that made me feel whole.

In late 2018, I left my church. I am not going to get into the details other than to state, I was made aware of some core beliefs of the church I was not previously aware of. I could not reconcile these beliefs with what I had experienced in the sermons. I believe they will continue to be a very successful congregation and do good work. I believe their faith is authentic. I, however, could not stand as a member of the church and state that I believed in some of those core principles the vision of the church is based upon. I was working to start an addiction/recovery group there when I left. I was made aware during that process that I would not be able to participate in leading a group because of my choices in life. I failed to meet a moral standard required to lead a small group. I have a core set of beliefs too and these principles were in direct conflict with mine. I had felt a calling to do start this group and as I was moving forward in the process, not only did my dream of having a group fall apart, I lost my church. I was devastated at the result. 

Initially, I tried to tell myself that when a door closes, another one opens. Without being 100% aware, I have been wandering around since last fall trying to find another door. I need to feel inspired. I need to be around other people who want to make the world a better place. I need to be alive spiritually to feel like I am living my life purposefully. Honestly, I haven't put a ton of effort into seeking out a new church. I have become rigid because I am hurt. I feel like the rug got pulled out from underneath me and I was/am sad about it. When my heart hurts, I am very likely not to engage in anything remotely close to what I experienced that caused the heartache. This is no different. In order to "protect" myself, I convinced myself that I don't need church or need to express my spirituality in that way. Without that weekly experience, though, I have felt lost, disconnected and unmotivated to do much of anything. I think my work has suffered for it. I think my heart has suffered for it. I think my general well-being has suffered for it.

I am cautious, however, in my pursuit. My faith and recovery are very intertwined. One of first recovery tattoos was "Only God will". Most people don't really understand what I had intended with that tattoo. "Only God will, what?" is the question I get. Well, to me, it means, only God will save me. Only God will keep me sober. Only God will protect me. Only God will know my path. Only God will.....everything. God had an intervention with me at 2:48am on 02/08/2010. I had been drinking all night, over a liter of hard liquor over about 6 hours. I was crying on floor of my second bedroom in my condo in South Minneapolis. At that moment, I looked at my computer clock and I became stone cold sober for 5 minutes. "I need treatment." I said it outloud when 15 minutes prior to that I was thinking of ways to end it all. I called my mom who God kept safe as she drove through a snowstorm to get me admitted into detox. The doctor in detox pushed me to the top the list and got me a direct transfer to treatment even though 3 other people were ahead of me. I asserted my will after all of that and God doubled down and reminded me "you asked for this, now get in there and do this already!" Here's a three year monitoring program for nurses. I believe God knew that I could not live with myself if I couldn't work or if I had caused a death. I was running out of chances to not get arrested. My health was starting to fail. I didn't have much time. Only God will.....save me.

That is how powerful my God is to me. I have lost that connection with God as of recent. Praying does some for that connection. I, personally, need more. I need someway to connect, be mindful and focused.It like dating in a way. I just have to get out there and find the right place for me. I know it is out there and I am finding it harder to move past this discontentment without it. 

I don't tend to talk faith and church much. I suppose on some level we are conditioned not to talk about it since faith is something people will fight to the death about. It's a "taboo" topic of sorts. I am not one to tell people what they should or shouldn't do. I am not one to tell people how to connect with their Higher Power. I am never offended when people share that their God is not the exact same as my God. From a 30,000 foot view, most religions/churches are looking to do the next right thing. The interpretations tend to be very different but I choose to respect how people connect with something meaningful to them. I may not agree, but I can respect it. That is how I feel about my former church. I respect that they feel the way they do about their beliefs. I respectfully disagree and did what I felt was just to honor my own faith journey and remain authentic to myself. I do miss them tremendously and I miss the feeling I used to experience while I was there. 

So, the next month will be tough in terms of seeking out a new way to exercise my spirituality. The weekends are getting jam packed. However, now that I figure out what is maybe going on here, I need to make this a priority. I need this connection and way to express myself. And, since it is so important to me, I need to make sure that I am authentic in that practice and choose wisely to avoid this kind of conflict in the future. 

Julie