Most AA meetings that I attend start out the meeting with reading the from Chapter 5 of the AA book which is titled "How It Works". We read throughout about 2 pages of the chapter and we stop at the line which states "God could and would if He were sought". As I was driving home this afternoon, this saying popped into my head. Last week, I was having a major "ah-ha!" connection moment with my spirituality. I re-focused on that connection this week, and Boom, the universe/God/Higher Power stepped in and made an awesome week for me. 

I had a pretty frank conversation with God last week after church. That piece about inadequacy really got to me, it really hit a nerve. I asked God to remind me, again, why it is I chose this route. My mind was stuck in a place for a little while now about the reasons I didn't want to do this. Back when I was in residential treatment the first time, one of my group mates was so thrilled with treatment she declared that she was going to become a counselor. I remember thinking "Oh hell no, who would want to listen to us all day long?" I actually fought this route for several years. I really didn't think I wanted to become a counselor. Ever. Over the past month or so, I was sort of feeling this way again. Maybe I had gotten in over my head. Maybe I am just not ready to handle the level of emotion this position requires. Yep, I was pretty stuck.

As I was getting ready for work on Monday night, I already knew that this week was going to be a bit of a tough one. I had some odd 16 appointments scheduled in the 20 hours that I was in the building, the state certifiers were in the building for the program and I was behind on my paperwork. I sent a quick reminder to God that I kinda needed some support this week. And....I got it. My schedule got shifted around and I survived the million meetings. A few clients needed to reschedule which now allowed for my appointments to be spread out over the next couple of weeks. I was able to get caught up on all the paperwork. We survived the certifiers. On Thursday, I presented the jail which was the last work related thing I had to do this week. I had Friday off. I was thinking I should have just canceled group and took more time. Well, I was here, let's go in and see what happens.

I am really glad I didn't. If I needed something to rejuvenate my interest and love in this work, I got it that night. I watched some people work through some really hard things and get to where they needed to be with it. I watched the light bulb come on. Recovery was starting right in that moment. Here is one of the interesting things I have learned about being in this field. I cannot take credit for people's successes. Why? Because then I need to take credit for when things don't go well. When it all boils down, the clients are the ones making a decision about whether or not to change. I am there to be a guide of sorts; provide the information that they might be willing to work with to meet their goals. I push at times, I challenge at times, I provide encouragement. Sometimes, I watch things connect and it's super amazing. Other times, I know I did what I could I planted a seed. Even if people don't stay sober, they remember things I had to say. I remember the first counselor I ever met. I hated everything he said. Interesting, I remember......

So, the reason I had Friday off was to go and talk about my two careers with a bunch of teenagers. Seriously, I have presented in front of 600 people, I did a TEDx talk, I have presented in front of people who think addiction is the biggest load of crap out there and treatment sucks. I have never really been nervous. I am super excited to get up there and tell them what I know and where we are going. Teenagers? Umm...well.....eeek! I was really nervous!! I wasn't sure how I was going to be received. I figured I would wear something that showed the tattoos, wear my biker boots and bring candy. Apparently this was a good combo. 

I spoke about my time with transplant nursing. They had a lot of questions. I moved into substance abuse and I lost most of them at that point. That didn't really surprise me. However, I talked about my story. I talked about being addicted and what that did to me, my family and my life. I talked about what recovery gave to me and why I do what I do. I talked about what it is like to have to a monitoring program. A few of them asked me tough questions like did I take care of patients while I was intoxicated. Yup. How did I get over that? Talked about a process of self-forgiveness and a steadfast commitment to be a safe provider of services for the rest of my life. If I relapse ever, I am out of the field. Both of them. Immediately. That is my consequence to going back. 

There was a teen that came up to me and shared a bit of her story with me. We chatted for a few minutes and she went on her way. One of the instructors made a beeline for me after she saw me talking to her. She told me that this particular student sleeps through almost everything, rarely pays attention and has a lot of problems. She noticed that the minute I started talking about my story, she was 150% focused and she asked me probably 3 or 4 questions about various things. From the few minutes I talked with her, she has complex life at 15. I gave the instructors some ideas about ways to approach her that hopefully won't send her running for the hills. 

I asked at the beginning of the week for God to remind me why I do this. I am almost bursting tonight with energy to get out and do more. I think I touched a couple of lives today. I think I watched some recovery happen on Thursday. I got caught up and feel like I am above water again. God would and could if he were sought.

Peace all,
​Julie

A women spoke about her story tonight of feeling really inadequate. She had asked God for the opportunity to a mother and when she got there, she experienced all sorts of issues. A past that resurfaced to haunt her present, depression that gripped her being, the loss of friends who could not understand her anymore and an inability to connect with her child because of all these issues. Her words were very powerful and there were parts of her story I could so very related to. 

After my divorce, my drinking escalated to new and bewildering heights. At least when my husband was living with me, I had to make some reasonable effort not to drink every moment when I wasn't working. I would have to wait a few hours until he went to bed or whatever. Well, after getting him all moved out and being on my own, I finally felt free to do whatever I wanted. This is when I started "I can stop drinking anytime I want, I just don't want to" train of thinking. The reality at that point was that I couldn't stop drinking, I just didn't want to actually have to admit that. 

For about 3 years, I would drink into oblivion just about every night. I would turn from a happy-go-lucky buzzed individual to a massively depressed, suicidal epic mess within about an hour. I was hurting so badly. As much as I told everyone how happy I was to be divorced, I was devastated. I had failed at marriage, I had failed to stop drinking when I promised him I would, I failed at life as far as I was concerned. There is so much more acceptance to being married than there is being divorced. I was also mourning a dream. I had thought I could change and that he could change. Neither of us changed and we resented each other like hell for it. I didn't necessarily want him back, I wanted to acceptance and security marriage brought to me. I wanted to know that there was someone that loved me because I didn't feel very lovable anymore.

I cried most every night for 3 years before I went to bed. The world was spinning and I knew how badly I was going to feel in the morning. I debated most nights if I should throw up before I feel asleep because I probably wouldn't be so hungover in the morning. I hate throwing up though, so I wouldn't and still be relatively intoxicated the next morning. I would cry at night and ask God why he was still keeping me alive. I didn't like this life anymore. Why wouldn't He help me? Couldn't He see my pain? I cried and cried and decided that God was no longer listening. I knew of AA and I would never go because of that whole "God thing". God had abandoned me. 

Or at least this is what I thought. I had a moment of clarity to make a call to my mom and ask for help. That was a God moment. I had been building up the courage for a few weeks to do something. I had tried the route of taking my own life. God wasn't having any of that. On the morning of February 8th, 2010, I called for the first time and told my mom I needed treatment. Even though I had been drinking for about 12 hours and had consumed over a liter of hard alcohol, I was totally clear for 2 minutes to make that call. For 2 minutes I had some courage and resolve that something was going to change. 

I tried to resist the spirituality of recovery. I really wanted to do things on my own. Interestly though, I did keep praying even though I would swear up and down that I wasn't going to have God as a part of this recovery deal. I had a lot of external motivators to keep me sober until I got this whole thing figured out. Tonight in the sermon, our pastor was taking about Moses hurling excuse after excuse to God about why he shouldn't be the one to go on a journey to save the chosen people. It just reminded me of hurling all sorts of stuff at God about why won't You make this all go away. The message I took away is what I finally came to believe about my recovery. If we are willing to listen and answer the call, God will stick by us to get us on the right path. For all those years I cried and asked God why He didn't care about me and why I couldn't be sober, He heard. I just was unwilling to take 2 minutes to listen to the answer. He stuck certain people in my life and certain situations at opportune times. I didn't listen. I didn't want to change. I wanted an easier way out. 

Well, finally, I got that moment and it started my road to recovery. I stumbled a lot after 02/08/2010. Each time I fell, I am became a little more willing to change something. The very last time I landed in detox, I had the biggest war going on inside my head. I wanted to be sober but I was already planning to drink. I was borderline psychotic when I was admitted. I was hearing voices and I was really sick from all the alcohol consumption. Dr. Amer was my doctor the first time I was in detox and he saved me a bed in treatment when the place was full. When I returned, I sat beside my bed in a chair. He grabbed my hand and told me first that I was going to be ok. He wanted to know what was going on. I believe my response to him was "I screwed up." He told me it wasn't that, he knew I could get better. After I had cleared the alcohol and returned to a normal state, he talked to me about the monitoring program for nurses. He had spent enough time with me in detox to know that nursing was everything to me. Nursing was me. I had very little else. 

While he was telling me about this program, I was trying to figure out how to wiggle my way out of it like I did the first time when I was in treatment. He asked me what I wanted to do. "Give me the phone before I change my mind." I enrolled even though 85% of me was not on board with this plan. God was louder than my addiction in that moment. God put Dr. Amer there because he was so kind and loving to us addicts in our worse times. On the way out the door, he shouted. "What's the plan Julie?" "Stop drinking, Dr. Amer." "Yep, hope to not see you again!" I haven't seen him since August of 2010. 

​ It was about a year into my recovery where I started letting some of my resentments as God go. I had a few from many years ago. When my dad was really sick and dying from cancer in our home, I really believed that if I prayed hard enough, everything would be okay. Well, he died, that wasn't ok with me. I struggled through depression and anxiety for a long time and I didn't get why when I prayed it didn't go away. I spend the larger part of 10 years yelling at Him about my drinking. What I finally learned about working with God is that I had to start listening. Sometimes the answer to my prayers is "no" and there are reasons for that. Sometimes the answer is "yes" but the path isn't 100% clear. The path is my journey to experience. Sometimes, the answer has been in front of me the whole time, I just got too busy to see it for what it really was. God had been talking to me through all those years. I didn't really care for the answers or I wasn't ready to do the work required of me. 

I am so grateful for the church I have been attending for the past couple of years now. It is a fantastic reminder of how important spirituality to my recovery. I need to refocus sometimes and get connected. The more I turn inward, the less I am willing to listen. I get so focused on me that I exclude any notion that maybe what I am feeling or experience isn't really about me or my perception of what is happening is not really true. Well, I got reconnected big time tonight and all these memories that flooded back during the sermon gave me some major strength tonight. It reminds me that recovery is way more than just not drinking. It is engaging and valuing the experiences -- good or bad -- as a roadmap for the future. Even in my hardest times sober, it is nothing like the depths of despair I experienced while drinking. 

Wishing everyone peace tonight!
​J

 Every time I go to church these days, I am inspired to get back to this blog and write. The church I attend doesn't necessary speak directly about recovery; however, every time I go, I feel more centered on my recovery and renewed to keep the days moving forward. I had several weekends booked and haven't been able to get to church for one reason or another. I can tell that I need this as much as I need my AA meetings. Church is something that feeds my soul, raises my consciousness and motivates me to continue on this journey.

The last couple of months at work have been tough. My client load snuck up on me. I was so focused on getting people in, I just forgot to stop when I should have. I will always say "yes" to an appointment even if it means I scheduled no break for lunch. I can say that I at least stopped taking on projects! That's a step in the right direction. In addition to a higher caseload, the situations of folks seem to be more complex. I feel this great sense of powerlessness to help. I want to help in the worst way. The reality is, I can't. I don't like that part of my job. For the past few months, I started to wonder if I am really equipped to handle this career. I felt the steam coming out of my ears and feeling some burnout coming on. After tonight's sermon, though, I am thinking what I was/am struggling with is a sense of inadequacy. 

I am a sensitive person. I am not sure that I always show this part of me. I want to be the fun, outgoing, "everything is awesome" or "complain with humorous sarcasm" person. In reality, there are times when I come home from work and sit in the dark looking over the day wondering if there is hope. I have loads of hope for myself, so no worries there. Being in recovery and then working in the field can be really difficult because I know where these guys are, what they are feeling and the confusing nature of how they got to where they are. I see shame, I see guilt, I see hopelessness, I see anger, I see resentments. On a few days, I see hope, I see great strides, I see things click for people. Those are amazing days. Other days I feel myself taking on the pain and anguish of all the other stuff because I am not sure what else I can possibly do. 

All of this came to a head earlier this month. I was sitting in a staffing, not able to concentrate. I was really in left field. Two coworkers expressed concern that I didn't look good. I had a fight break out in a group earlier in the week which required the jail staff to intervene. It shook me more than I was willing to admit. The day moved along with some of the toughest individual sessions of my career. I didn't know what to do or to say in these sessions. I didn't know if I made things worse by not being able to respond the way I thought I should have. This carried over into the next day. Finally day 3, I broke after a particularly heart-aching situation came into my office. I ended up tearing up with this person because, again, I didn't know what else to do. I left work early and called my mom. 

I took a nap on that day. I was up late that night because of this nap. I started searching online for other jobs. I didn't think I belonged in this position even though it has been a dream position for me. I had lost my confidence which has always been a little shaky in this field anyway. I was thinking that at least with nursing, I can put a ace bandage on, I can give some medication, I can call a doctor, I can do something. When I used to work in hospice, I had a great passion of letting my patients die with dignity and comfort. As a counselor, I am sometimes watching a person commit a slow suicide and try as I may, I cannot say the magic words to stop it from happening. That can lead a person to feel pretty inadequate.

I am so glad that I went to church tonight. During the past 2 months, I have been disconnecting from God. For whatever reason, when things get tough, I stop praying. That's when I need to pray the most, gosh darnit! I start to turn inwards and pick myself apart. When I turn inwards, everything starts to become about me. In reality, it isn't about me. I am trying to control things that I can't control. I am assume a great burden than I need to do. It's okay to feel and it's okay to be concerned. I just cannot take on all the struggles and worry of the problems around me and think I can handle it. In reality, I am more of a guide for people in this field. As I am acutely aware, my recovery is up to me. I seek out guidance and assistance when I am stuck or need a push. As a counselor, I am not the person who can solve all the problems. Each person who sits in front of me has a path they are look to go down. Even if I don't think it's the right path, I am there to support their journey and at least see the various options/paths available. Whatever they choose to do, is what they choose to do. It's not about me. Nor is it a reflection of my abilities or knowledge.

This begs the question for me, do I need to feel inadequate? I am pretty confident in my knowledge and understanding of addiction. I have a clear understanding of my treatment philosophy. I know exactly how I want to approach my clients. So, to answer this question. No is the easy answer. Where I will need some more help and awareness is to keep the boundaries of my worry and concern. 

I am working on all of this and learning the distinct value of self-care. I can't just say I am taking care of myself, I really have to take care of myself. 

Peace! J