In June, I was notified that my therapist of many years was moving on in his career and closing his practice. I was pretty bummed about that as he really saw me through some really rough time as my counseling career was ending. I think the timing, however, was good as I was seeking something a little different in terms of what I was needing from therapy sessions. Overall, my mood is generally stable and the stress level is tolerable. I feel like I struggle more on an existential level these days with this nagging feeling of unfulfillment, restlessness, and unrelenting grief. I took the plunge with a new therapist and I have enjoyed our sessions. I told her I would like more action oriented therapy. I hear a lot that I am insightful. That is nice to hear, but now that I know what is bothering me, what do I do about it? 

She has challenged me week to week with assignments. In our last session, I talked about how I felt like I was answering some type of calling when I went to get my counseling degree. Recovery was and always will be a huge part of who I am and how I choose to live my life. I wanted to be in a position of advocacy and provide understanding to others about the process of addiction. While I don't think my story or recovery journey is unique, I had hoped that I could put words to the feelings and process of addiction in a way that helps those with addiction feel some hope and those who are watching someone struggle to understand. This blog was certainly a part of that calling as well. Unfortunately, about a year into the schooling process, I did feel like I had made a mistake. I wasn't well enough to be helping others yet, but at that point, it was too late to change course.

I still remain passionate about recovery. I am still trying to find that missing piece that fulfills that part of my life. I think I have proven to myself over and over that making a career out of addiction treatment is not right for me. I am sure that I made positive impact in other's lives. For that I am grateful. However, helping others came at a great emotional and physical cost to me that cannot be sustained. Even with returning to nursing, I am not in a place where I would like to explore behavioral health nursing. So, this route that I am taking with education feels like a better trajectory. I have a talent for public speaking; not to mention a huge passion for it. I do educational stuff right now and I do really enjoy it. Also enjoy working one-to-one with my homecare client. Career-wise, I feel like I am in a comfortable place.

As I was talking about my disappointment with my experience with counseling and a mild sense of regret that I pushed so hard in a direction that didn't work out, she encouraged me to think of ways to develop other avenues. I love writing. I love speaking. There has to be something out there that can utilize these strengths and make a little difference in this world. We talked about some various options and I will have a thing or two to explore in the next week. I am hopeful that I can overcome some of the issues that have prevented me from exploring these particular avenues. The number one issue being......me. 

If you spend any time with me, I will likely come off as reasonably confident and well-spoken. I have been described as intuitive, funny, caring, and empathic. To a certain degree, I would agree with most of those things. However, behind closed doors when I am alone, I don't really feel that way about myself. I think I spend too much time sleeping. I view myself as lazy for the condition of my home. I feel like I am pretty short-tempered at times and can be hurtfully sarcastic. I am extremely self-conscious and struggle with feelings of being overwhelmed by the most basic tasks. 

I don't think it is terribly uncommon to hold ourselves to a different standard than those around us. If I had a friend in the exact same situation as me, I would extent grace and compassion. I would assure the person that some steps are huge toward making things better. I have been pretty bad at extending that same grace to myself. I have these weird experiences when I start to treat myself a little bit better or try to extend some compassion -- something happens that validates the negative. About a year ago, I decided to put myself out there and see if I could meet someone. I did. Started off really well and I was starting to build some confidence that I could be a normal relationship. Fortunately, very quickly, I found out that he had an active warrant out for his arrest for 10!!!!!! felony counts for possession of child porn. What did I take away from that experience? I don't know how to choose a person to date. I had multiple responses to choose from and that is what I chose. I would rather be alone. Or would I?

When I think of putting myself out there in other ways like writing a book or starting a vlog, I become almost paralyzed by the THOUGHT of negative criticism. Even helpful, well-intentioned critiques cause me to be hyper-defensive. That defensiveness tells me the other person is bad. Once I get past that, then I am bad and I should never do this activity again. It is an extreme reaction. About two years ago, I started diving into that particular part of my personality. It drives me insane because intellectually, I get it. Not everyone will agree with me. Some people are telling me things to help me improve. Some people are just trolls. However, when I receive feedback, all of my insecurities come up and I feel a strong desire to attack the person or make 1,000 quick excuses for why I was not perfect or required feedback. It's a very ingrained process for me. I am hoping by taking some chances and try some new avenues that I might develop less of a response to criticism over time. I think the only way past this particular area in my life is to confront it head on. And it does scare me.

Well, I will keep you all posted as I move forward with some personal side projects!!

Be safe!
​Julie 

Today will be an entry inspired, yet again, by YouTube. I have been following a couple of stories on this platform. Mainly I watch all sorts of "drama that isn't mine" kind of content. I stumbled on a commentary channel where the host reacts to full episodes of "My 600 Pound Life" from TLC. The woman they were following for this particular episode displayed was quintessential addiction behavior. The most common question I get about my experience with addiction is why I did/acted the way that I did. I was watching the people around this woman asking nearly identical questions. "What is wrong with her?" "Can't she see she is going to die?" "Why doesn't she even change a little when she says she is so miserable?" 

So, let's take a few of these questions and I will try to answer them from my experience. Addiction may look different from person to person. There are some general commonalities most people with addiction display or do as a part of the addiction process. 

Seriously? Can she not see how much she is hurting herself and everyone around her?
The simple answer is "yes". I can see that I am hurting myself, I know that. I am hurting people around me, I know that. In my mind, I just didn't want that to be true. I had a lot of health side effects from excessive, chronic alcohol use. Constant GERD, headaches, blurred vision, dehydration, low potassium, abdominal pain, gastric distress, vomiting, swelling of liver, etc. Every time I would go to the doctors, I would have a near meltdown that this visit was the visit they were going to tell me that I was in liver failure. I would get a semi-clean bill of health, I would go straight to denial saying what I was doing wasn't that bad. 

My marriage took the brunt of my use. I was able to lie to just about everyone else about what was going on. I was always playing a game with the best way to defuse anger with me or my behavior. I became pretty savvy about hiding things. I made drastic changes to my work schedule to spend the least amount of time at home with my former spouse home so I could do what I wanted, when I wanted. I said all the things addicts say: "I will stop now." "I won't do that again." "I will get some help." I made a few steps in that direction, Yet, as the relationship continued to deteriorate, I figured I didn't need to change because it wasn't going to save that relationship anyway. In my mind, I was happier drinking every day than being in that relationship.

Then the denial set in. Changing would make any difference. I liked drinking. I wasn't hurting anyone anyway. I think at the base of all that denial was the sheer terror of what it would take to change. I didn't know what life would be like without alcohol. I believed I would have no friends or be able to have fun. Yet, my friendships were falling away because I trapped myself at home to drink. I wasn't having any fun anyway. Regardless, I didn't want to change. I was too scared to change. I was too afraid to admit I was addicted, lonely, scared, and not sure I was capable of that kind of change. 

What is it going to take to get you to change?
I sure let a lot of stuff go before I was willing to make the change and get help. I did make the decision on my own at first. In was in late 2009 I was feeling some motivation to change. I tried to say something at my annual physical. I kid you not, this was the conversation: "Is there anything else you want me to know?" "Ummm....yeah, I drink about a liter of hard alcohol daily or nearly daily." "OK, I will put down alcohol abuse on your chart, Anything else?" I went on a huge bender after that because in my mind, she said I was OK. My labs were normal. Around this time, I got a new job and I was super excited about it. I was noticing missing out on things with friends because I was so physically ill all the time. I was really getting tired of the cycle. 

Even though I reached out, got into detox, and transferred to treatment. I was not very sure that I wanted to change. I found myself seeking out reasons not to listen to parts of treatment. I overreacted to certain situations so I could give myself an excuse not to attend sessions or activities. In retrospect, the alcohol was cleared out of my system, but all of the skewed thinking and behavior was well intact. I was surprised that I pulled together 60 days before relapsing given how sick my thinking still was. 

Everyone's turning point is different. I don't believe that people have to hit a hard bottom to get help. I felt like my moment of getting help was out of personal desperation because alcohol was causing so many emotional problems and physical problems and alcohol stop answering my problems. I wanted to help but it was hard to sustain that amount of change. I stopped treatment about 3 sessions after my inpatient treatment. Without the support and structure, I went back pretty quickly. I personally needed to have some external motivation. I didn't feel like my life was worth changing for myself. The external motivation did come and I do credit it for holding my feet to the fire to make long-term change. (HPSP)

Why can't you stop?
I wish I knew that answer. I literally don't understand how people can stop when using alcohol. Compulsion is a strange deal/experience. I absolutely knew that when I started drinking I was going to stop until I went to sleep or passed out. I absolutely knew that alcohol was not healthy for me. I absolutely knew that I might die by alcohol overdose. Yet, none of that mattered in the moment. I could not see any consequence in that moment of pouring a drink. Whatever thoughts that I had that I shouldn't do this would be quickly justified. I know that I was driven by stress and emotion. After a while I was driven so much my the physical withdrawal symptoms. One of the hardest withdrawal symptoms for me was anxiety. I was crawling out of my skin and on the verge of panic at any moment. Even looking at an alcohol bottle would start calm that anxiety and for a glorious 15 minutes, I would feel "normal". I stopped shaking and I wasn't buzzed yet. I was just calm. Well, since I couldn't stop when I started, it was quickly spiral to full on drunkenness within 1-2 hours.  That desire to continue this pattern was stronger than any logic, any consequence. Nothing else mattered. I really did feel bad and guilty after the fact. If I angered someone or hurt someone, I felt horrible about it. Even feeling this guilt and sadness after almost every drinking episode, I still drank full well knowing that this was going to be the outcome. Toward the end, I didn't understand what the hell I was doing anymore.

In the future entry, I will try to answer some more of these "what the heck is going on with you" questions from my perspective. If you have a specific question that you have always wanted to ask an addict, shoot! I don't mind. It may not be the answer everyone will give, but it will be from my experience. 

Thanks for reading!!
​Julie