Conflicting Views

Image by John Hain from Pixabay

In June, I was notified that my therapist of many years was moving on in his career and closing his practice. I was pretty bummed about that as he really saw me through some really rough time as my counseling career was ending. I think the timing, however, was good as I was seeking something a little different in terms of what I was needing from therapy sessions. Overall, my mood is generally stable and the stress level is tolerable. I feel like I struggle more on an existential level these days with this nagging feeling of unfulfillment, restlessness, and unrelenting grief. I took the plunge with a new therapist and I have enjoyed our sessions. I told her I would like more action oriented therapy. I hear a lot that I am insightful. That is nice to hear, but now that I know what is bothering me, what do I do about it? 

She has challenged me week to week with assignments. In our last session, I talked about how I felt like I was answering some type of calling when I went to get my counseling degree. Recovery was and always will be a huge part of who I am and how I choose to live my life. I wanted to be in a position of advocacy and provide understanding to others about the process of addiction. While I don't think my story or recovery journey is unique, I had hoped that I could put words to the feelings and process of addiction in a way that helps those with addiction feel some hope and those who are watching someone struggle to understand. This blog was certainly a part of that calling as well. Unfortunately, about a year into the schooling process, I did feel like I had made a mistake. I wasn't well enough to be helping others yet, but at that point, it was too late to change course.

I still remain passionate about recovery. I am still trying to find that missing piece that fulfills that part of my life. I think I have proven to myself over and over that making a career out of addiction treatment is not right for me. I am sure that I made positive impact in other's lives. For that I am grateful. However, helping others came at a great emotional and physical cost to me that cannot be sustained. Even with returning to nursing, I am not in a place where I would like to explore behavioral health nursing. So, this route that I am taking with education feels like a better trajectory. I have a talent for public speaking; not to mention a huge passion for it. I do educational stuff right now and I do really enjoy it. Also enjoy working one-to-one with my homecare client. Career-wise, I feel like I am in a comfortable place.

As I was talking about my disappointment with my experience with counseling and a mild sense of regret that I pushed so hard in a direction that didn't work out, she encouraged me to think of ways to develop other avenues. I love writing. I love speaking. There has to be something out there that can utilize these strengths and make a little difference in this world. We talked about some various options and I will have a thing or two to explore in the next week. I am hopeful that I can overcome some of the issues that have prevented me from exploring these particular avenues. The number one issue being......me. 

If you spend any time with me, I will likely come off as reasonably confident and well-spoken. I have been described as intuitive, funny, caring, and empathic. To a certain degree, I would agree with most of those things. However, behind closed doors when I am alone, I don't really feel that way about myself. I think I spend too much time sleeping. I view myself as lazy for the condition of my home. I feel like I am pretty short-tempered at times and can be hurtfully sarcastic. I am extremely self-conscious and struggle with feelings of being overwhelmed by the most basic tasks. 

I don't think it is terribly uncommon to hold ourselves to a different standard than those around us. If I had a friend in the exact same situation as me, I would extent grace and compassion. I would assure the person that some steps are huge toward making things better. I have been pretty bad at extending that same grace to myself. I have these weird experiences when I start to treat myself a little bit better or try to extend some compassion -- something happens that validates the negative. About a year ago, I decided to put myself out there and see if I could meet someone. I did. Started off really well and I was starting to build some confidence that I could be a normal relationship. Fortunately, very quickly, I found out that he had an active warrant out for his arrest for 10!!!!!! felony counts for possession of child porn. What did I take away from that experience? I don't know how to choose a person to date. I had multiple responses to choose from and that is what I chose. I would rather be alone. Or would I?

When I think of putting myself out there in other ways like writing a book or starting a vlog, I become almost paralyzed by the THOUGHT of negative criticism. Even helpful, well-intentioned critiques cause me to be hyper-defensive. That defensiveness tells me the other person is bad. Once I get past that, then I am bad and I should never do this activity again. It is an extreme reaction. About two years ago, I started diving into that particular part of my personality. It drives me insane because intellectually, I get it. Not everyone will agree with me. Some people are telling me things to help me improve. Some people are just trolls. However, when I receive feedback, all of my insecurities come up and I feel a strong desire to attack the person or make 1,000 quick excuses for why I was not perfect or required feedback. It's a very ingrained process for me. I am hoping by taking some chances and try some new avenues that I might develop less of a response to criticism over time. I think the only way past this particular area in my life is to confront it head on. And it does scare me.

Well, I will keep you all posted as I move forward with some personal side projects!!

Be safe!
​Julie