I was cleaning out my bag 'o everything the other day. If my house looked like my bag, I might qualify as a hoarder. I shoved everything in there with the idea that I will get back to them such as "Fill out our survey and tell us how we did!" or a mail-in-rebate. Good grief, I don't know why I kid myself that I have time or stamps.

What I do shove in my purse that I eventually get back to are things that strike my interest to write about. I pulled out the bulletin from a church service with all my notes scribbled all over. There were some many items in this little 15-20 minute sermon that really caught my attention. So, I guess this would be part 2. My previous blog entry was Wisdom versus Consequence. Today - Discipline versus Regret.

Discipline and Regret have addiction recovery written all over it. In the previous blog entry, I spoke about internalizing the wisdom of the people who came before us in recovery. Well, what the people in recovery are going to tell you is that they go to meetings, they work the steps, they have a sponsor, they sponsor other people and created and sustained to recovery-oriented relationships. Those who return to AA or treatment after a relapse will often times tell you that they stopped doing what they were recommended to do to sustain recovery. Now, this does not necessarily mean that everyone has to go the route of AA. In the absence of AA, as a clinician I am going to tell you about the same in that you need to build structure in your life, seek mental health services, get new friends, ditch the old one, find recovery-based activities and continue in treatment. If you are interested in AA, I am going to tell you, go to meetings, find new friends, build structure, etc. etc. You get the point. 

Whatever the post-treatment or early recovery scene looks like for a person, it requires a certain sense of discipline. On the whole, addicts don't like this. Discipline means that we do something every day whether we want to or not in an effort to keep stability. Hmmmm.....let's think about this one for a moment. Me, as the addict, what do I think of discipline? I think it is hard and boring. There is no excitement to "high" to have here. Structure sucks, mostly. I get bored. Yeah, I don't think I am alone in some of the feeling here. My guess is, addict or not, you may identify with some of these feelings. Addicts by nature are quite impulsive, may display thrill seeking behaviors and surely enjoy instant gratification. When I sit down with someone in early recovery and talk about this need for structure and discipline in order to maintain recovery, they look at me like I am speaking Sanskrit. "What is this foreign concept you are talking about? I have to motivate myself?" Bare in mind, we have been under the influence of drugs creating our motivation to keep us moving on. We don't have that anymore, now it is up to us.

Time and time again (and believe me, I did this too), the advice/wisdom of those who came before us falls upon deaf ears. I always felt I would have a will and a way; I just needed to get some time away from liquor and I would never use again. Let's see, that lasted all of 60 days. Now we move on to regret. The very first time I was in detox, the drug and alcohol counselor doing my assessment educated me about the HPSP nursing monitoring program. While the enrollment was voluntary, she highly recommended I get signed up. I shook my head calming, looked at the information and said "Hell no. 3 years of tracking? That means I can't drink again. Nope, not gonna do it." So I put the brochure in the back of the folder. My counselor came up to me and started talking about how HPSP works and that she could be my point of contact, blah blah blah. I didn't have the heart to tell her that there was NO WAY I was doing this program. Then, she went on vacation and I never looked back. 

Upon discharge, I was asked to consider sober living. Nope, not gonna do that, I have my kittens. Well, how about aftercare one day a week. Yep, I can do that. Can you stop working nights? Nope, love it too much. Could you get a roommate? Nope. Don't want one. Well, please attend some meetings, will ya? Yeah fine. I attended a total of 5 meetings in the first 60 days out of treatment. I dropped out of aftercare after 2 meetings. I had a sponsor but never bothered to call her. No step work, just grinning and bearing this life of "sobriety."

When people ask me what the hardest thing in early recovery is - I will easily answer that staying motivated to do what I need to do in order to be sober. This is a highly disciplined list of things to do - meetings, working the steps, making amends, acknowledging weaknesses, therapy, groups, aftercare, outpatient treatment. When I spent that summer relapsing, I wanted my family to be proud of me being sober, but that seemed about it for motivation. I knew the cat was out of the bag as far as my drinking was concerned. There was no more hiding out and drinking. I couldn't seem to muster the internal desire to stay sober. I think I was worried about failing. I remember wishing the whole time I was in detox that I had never said anything about needing help. In a way, I still felt like that for the spring and summer of 2010 while relapsing. I wanted to stay sober but I certainly didn't want to have to work for it - geez!

So, I spent the whole summer in a period of regret. I regretting drinking again. I regretted my behavior. I regretted having invested so much into my treatment, only to be back out drinking in a couple of months. I had no hope that I would ever be able to stay sober unless something externally motivated me to do something. I used to get so anxious when I went in for my physical that when they took my annual blood samples for labs that I was going to have liver problems. Each time I didn't, that seemed to be a license to continue on. I must have a liver of steel or something. I kinda had it in the back of my head that if my health took a turn, then I would be willing to stop. That would provide me with the much needed motivation to quit drinking. 

God really has my number. Every night that I was drunk, I would beg through prayer to help and make it stop. By morning, it was "God just get me through the day...". I was always asking and crying and begging; never bothering much to listen. Well, God said "if you can't listen, I will just shout in your face". The psychiatrist that was overseeing my detox #4 admission flat out told me, "If you don't sign up for HPSP right now, I am reporting you to the board of nursing. There are two ways out that door. Your choice." Thanks, God....because I picked up the phone and it saved my life. I had external motivation to the extreme. Now I was all willing to do whatever it took to save my nursing license. I even went beyond and signed up for a 15 month DBT course with weekly counseling for 3 years. Talk about some serious discipline. Well, guess what - I have very little regret during those 3 years. I got sober. I have a sponsor. I have lots of sober friends. I sponsor people. I got my master's and am now working in the field (and I love it). Discipline = putting in small pieces of effort daily to stay the course of sobriety. No discipline = relapse = regret AND major consequences. I finally had my time to listen and internalize the message of those who came before me so I could not have consequences that I would seriously regret down the road.

I was so terrified of leaving the HPSP program. Would I still remain disciplined after the external motivation was gone? In a way, I knew I could easily slide back. One of my motivations to go into this particular field was to have a level of accountability. If I relapse, I cannot practice as a counselor for 2 years. 2 years!!!! I can go back to nursing and while I like that, I wanted to move on from there. 2 years people! Being sober for as long as I have been to date, I know that I could not lie if I relapsed. The guilt would eat me whole. Whatever would be left of me after that would be eaten up with regret. I actually really fear for myself should I ever relapse. I think it would be epicly bad in all sorts of way. Apparently, that is enough for me to stay on the current course. Not to mention, I would be disappointing so many people around me. Now, I know that I would have tons of support in an event like that, but I would feel so ashamed of choosing liquor over all that I have today. 

I think I am actually going to put together a lecture for my clients on these subjects. How do we build up this discipline? How do we motivate ourselves? If I treated my sobriety like I treat my diets for weight loss, I would be hosed. Most of my clients kinda treat their sobriety like that and they are off the wagon before they know it. In the field, we warn people against the "treatment high". Statements like "I am so ready to go home and try all my new skills!" scares us to no end. People who have a healthy fear of going home are often the ones that stay motivated for longer periods of time. That does not mean one needs to live in fear of their drug for the rest of their lives. If someone has a beer around me, I don't fall into the fetal position and beg for my Mom. However, it is MORE than healthy to stay away from it, knowing oneself well enough to say "I can't be around it." 

I had a most marvelous weekend with an old college friend. He has been in my life since 1996 and I am always grateful for NH. .His visit reminded me so poignantly how some true relationship in life will never fade, regardless of distance or time. He also reminds me that friendship is the key to success and happiness in life. Thank you NH for the special visit - I owe you one, now, out to NY :)

XOXOX
Julie

Since my last blog entry, quite a few things have changed around here, which at this point, feel like really good changes. For one, I started my first job as a CD Counselor with a small outpatient group of women. This has been going very well. I am still working for the same facility that I interned at this fall. I know that I struggled while I was there this semester. However, I interviewed with a different group and felt like I would be a great fit with the management and with the program. The way I have been greeted and welcomed into this program has been absolutely amazing. It is such a positive atmosphere.

This was the first 2 weeks of working two part time jobs that make full time hours. This first week was really rough. I did exactly what I thought I was going to do. I got up on Monday at 8:00 and then stayed up too late in the night because I didn't need to go to work until 2:00pm. I had a moment of genius last Friday. I have been really spoiled with not having to work 5 days a week for a long time. So, I thought....if that is what I want, I can make that happen. So, I will have 3 long days of 12 hours and then one 8 hour day. That gives me 37 hours between both jobs and 3 day weekends. Once I get moving,  I am totally OK with the longer day. When I spend too much time sleeping or changing my sleeping schedule, I get messed up really quickly and it makes  it  hard to get up when I need to get up. So this week was the new schedule and I had an attitude change of 150% for the better. I feel better, taking my medications regularly and at the same time along with having a nice schedule that gives me the down time that I need. 

So, this morning, I went down to my car to get my pop. I had a smile on as I hopped down the stairs. I kinda wondered what this was all about. Last week, I was thinking that I wasn't going to stay with my nursing job. Maybe it was time to move on now and one of my co-workers I don't see very often was reinforcing this message to me. I was thinking that maybe I had made a mistake taking the counseling job. I had been looking for an assessment position or intake coordinator position before I took this one. Now I had taken a direct counseling position that I wasn't sure I even want to do. I started worrying if I was making enough money and blah blah blah.

Now this week, it's a totally different story. Suddenly the money isn't that big of a deal because I am still earning about the same amount of money as I was before and I have a schedule that wouldn't be possible at a lot of other places. So, part of the reason things are better is because of the schedule change. The other part of this deal is that I have responsibilities at both places. When I work only here or there, I don't feel like I really "own" anything. Now, I fully realize that almost everyone in either place is replaceable including me, but when I don't own anything, I don't feel needed or effective the way I want to be in my work environment. I am motivated by feeling like I am needed. I know my internship needed me but I also knew that there were so many other people available to do the few little assignments that I had. I managed to consistently show up at work because I knew the work that I did on that one day needed to get done and I felt like I couldn't miss. I am not sure why this is such a powerful motivator. 

I had expressed concern to my therapist last month that since I was 16, I hardly ever called in sick. What happened to me? Part of it is that I don't have to hear anyone's disapproval since I can text and email that I am not coming in. Not good for me...I realized recently, I realized some of the major motivators to show up for work when I was drinking was not have people mad at me. I know when someone calls in sick, it sucks for the shift and we all start complaining about that person. I was motivated by people not doing that to me. I didn't want anyone to be mad at me for any reason. So I showed up because of other people's opinion of me. As I got sober, I still held on that "everyone needs to like me" thing so I think that continued to motivate me. Then, when I changed to a job in which I worked a week on, week off....yeah, I hardly worked so I wasn't burnt out. 

I changed to part time and school. Normally I love school. I think there were a couple of things that played into my difficulties. One, I was disappointed by my school experience so the motivation to drive 60 minutes 1 way several times a week when I am not happy with that. As far as internship time, I was insecure and intimidated by the whole process. The people who supervised me didn't really enforce my fear that they might be upset with me. Additionally, I don't care as much now about what people think about me. However, I am still concerned about being appropriate in a work environment. I think there were some other underlying issues that I have been working through, setting me up for a better success now going forward. The biggest blessing this year has been my health insurance. Having mental and chemical health issues, insurance companies wouldn't touch me with 100 foot pole. But now, I was able to get back into see my therapist and doctors to get my health and mental health issues address. I think I might be just getting some positive kickback from  being able to see my providers and not have the stress of not having enough cash to pay for a $300 visit. 

If you ever had the opportunity to see a documentary about the life of Albert Einstein, I highly recommend it. The guy was amazingly weird. It's no wonder that AA adopted such a pertinent quote for someone that wasn't quite right like the rest of us addicts!

I am so very grateful to be done with school. Very very glad. I think I may have underestimated the amount of stress school was creating in my life. All in all, however, I have to admit that I am extremely lucky to have had the opportunity to go back to school, continue to work for an organization that I have a lot of loyalty to and get to do some of the things I really like to do. 

I didn't take a whole lot of time off, but I did take a few days to get my home back in order. I spent several hours cleaning and doing laundry. Never underestimate the power of a clean home! I went back to work and started back right where I left which is kinda nice. There was no learning something new, actually teaching other stuff I already know. Teaching is one of my favorite things to do. 

So, back in my high school years, one of the most memorable and favorite things I ever did was participate in speech. I competed in the original oratory group. Best place ever - I get to talk about whatever I want to a group of captive people who can't leave. They have to listen to me argue a point without saying anything to the contrary. Yup, best ever. A special shout out to fellow Prepster Speech Team members who read my blog - yeah, we rocked it.....

Since that time, I have always seen myself up on a stage talking. It is something that I have always wanted to do. Over the years, I just have not been in the right place to be doing something like that. I got a little taste of that again when I started going to AA meetings and having the opportunity to talk in front of groups about my testimony and what addiction has meant to me. I think that experience is what attracted me to consider going for my master's in addiction studies. I have talked in past blog that I really feel like there is something big for me in this field. When I think about that, I see myself on a stage....educating, changing a life in the room, making a difference with advocating for treatment and letting people know that recovery is possible. 

During my internship, the counselor I worked under did not care to the do the lectures. Usually they were scheduled twice a month to speak. I was super excited about the prospect of presenting. while he was just fine if someone else wanted to volunteer to speak. It was a few months before I was given a chance to present. We were sitting in a meeting and the director of the program says, "well we have an all staff meeting today. What are we going to so this afternoon with the clients?....Julie? Could you do something...you are a nurse, teach them about health or something?" Ahhh...sure? I volunteered. What's the worse that could happen? I could make a total ass of out myself? I had done that for the 15 years of drinking....I would just have to do it sober and deal with it! I put a 60 minute presentation together in 2 hours and went on my way to present. I got lucky - most people are fascinated by what I have to say about health and addiction. I show them what is happening to them when they use, what happens when they stop and what is going to happen to them if they don't stop. I had a lot of audience participation and people coming up to me afterwards asking more questions. It a way, it's kinda what I dreamt about. 

I was invited to come back after I was done with my internship to speak at a family night this week. I worked for about two weeks on my powerpoint. I thought I would spend all this time preparing, but I was the one who made the powerpoint and choose the topic so I thought, I will just talk when I get up there and see what happens. The topic of my presentation "Are you Addicted to Your Addict?" I used the diagnostic criteria we use as clinicians to diagnose addiction and flipped it over to the family. So, for example:
Criteria #5: In addiction: Persistent desire OR one or more unsuccessful attempts to cut down or control use

• Using beer instead of hard liquor
• Trying to only use on the weekends
• Marijuana maintenance program (fellow alcoholics know what this means....)

Criteria #5: For Family: Persistent desire OR one or more unsuccessful attempts to control or stop the use of the addict in your life

• As the family member, you dispense the drugs to the addict to try to control use - lock up opiates, moderate alcohol intake
• Drive the addict to the bar to prevent drunk driving
• Begging an pleading with the addict to stop/reduce use

So, all together there are seven criteria we use to diagnose addicts in the DSM-4. (I still need to get up in the DSM 5 - I will, I will....my Mom was kind enough to get me the book for Christmas this year!) I took each of the criteria and flipped it over to the family members. My point was to show the family why it is that they need to get into their own recovery. Their behavior has become out of control and in the recovery, both the family and the addict have to change. 

I made the comment to a few people that this was the first time I had presented this one. I got such tremendous feedback and I stuck around for 2 hours after the fact to answer questions. Yup, this is what I wanted to do and this is what I wanted to be. A person with knowledge about a topic that can reach out to others and open their eyes to something new. I have this opportunity with my part-time job to not only present but be PAID to present! AHAHAHAHAHHA......now all those times of annoyance and stress with school seem totally worth it. I have credibility because I am in recovery, however, I have even more because I am an educated addictions specialist. Whoa....I think I kinda blew my own mind. 

I had expected at this point that everything would be status quo - get a job, earn some money, do something new, keep learning. While all of this is happening for sure, I like I rekindled the little flame I had when I went into this. I think I had lost my flame for a while and was struggling to continue to push through with that flame hidden. Well, talk about throwing some gasoline on that fire now. I have a much stronger burning desire. When I first started nursing school, I had this vision of standing with a patient and providing education and  help when it was needed. About 2 years in, it dawned on me, "hey! I am actually doing this....right now..." I remember feeling so conflicted at the time because I was drinking so heavily and I blamed it on not doing what I wanted to do or being good at what I did. I realized that I was doing well but I was just miserable because of the drinking. I didn't have the opportunity to appreciate the blessing I had in working with others. Well, this time around, it was exactly a week after school was done, I experienced the same moment - me, on a stage, reaching out and touching lives while educating them about something I am extremely passionate about. And what a moment it was. 

I had over a dozen people compliment me or come and ask me questions about this presentation. I could answer with such confidence. I knew exactly what I was talking about. I didn't have a moment of nervousness. I just talked and had a conversation with 80 people about addiction and family dynamics. They were glued to the presentation and the clients told me they liked the way I presented it because now their family member "get it". The family members were able to understand some of the symptoms their addicts were experiencing. I talked at length with a woman about her husband and her child - both suffering from alcoholism. I did not have to offer any advice, she just wanted to tell me that it was nice to know that she wasn't alone. We talked about fellowship and the power of others. 

In this profession, I feel like I provide hope. I don't provide answers. I don't tell you exactly what to do. I want to welcome you in the door and help you find hope. You can recover and I can show you the way people have achieved this and assist you with finding the path that suits your needs. I can listen and provide to support the family who is suffering from addiction as well. I can provide hope that the family can be healthy again too. I will never tell you it will be easy but I will tell you that it can be done. And, at the end of the day, I believe in you. I have this little rush of adrealine as I write this tonight. I feel like I saw a glimmer of hope for me too. It is always wonderful to have lofty dream. At times in my life I set that bar too high and wound up disappointed. Not this time. I thought this idea of talking on stage was a pipe dream. I may not be packing the Xcel Center just yet, but reaching out to 20, 30, or 80 people and offer nothing but a message of hope and recovery this week might have just made my Top 5 of greatest things I have experienced.