In 2 weeks, I should be closing on my new place. This process is quite possibly one of the more stressful activities I have partaken in since getting sober. The last time I purchased a place, I was drunk nearly every single day and had abdicated all financial responsibility to my ex-husband. The process was pretty smooth sailing for me back then! Barely aware of what was happening. Look at 2 places, sign a bunch of paperwork and just like magic - a homeowner. Well, kids, it's not 2004 anymore and the financial people actually expect me to be a reasonable financial position this time around. 

To be really honest, I am surprised I am back purchasing. The end of the story above was quite horrible - foreclosure, lost property values, etc. etc. Renting has been nice in terms of when things blow up, a hoard of people show up and it's fixed. Both places I have lived since moving out of my condo in South Minneapolis have been nice and generally affordable until last year. The rental prices are going up at insane rates! I am now at a point where owning just makes way more sense. Despite my experience from the last time around, I was pretty excited about doing some house hunting. The only thing that matters is what I think about it and what I am willing to compromise on, etc. I am driving this boat. My money. My purchase. Me. Me. Me (My addictive side doesn't ever go away completely.)

Little did I know when I started moving towards pre-qualifying in 2017, the market is ridiculous. Super ridiculous. Pretty much most properties in my range would come on the market and either be sold in less than 12 hours or have multiple offers within 24 hours. Most of the time, I wouldn't even get a chance to look before they were off the market. In mid-March, I came across a condo in Maplewood and really enjoyed the possibilities there. I got all pumped up and excited when my offer was accepted. I brought my whole family over to take a look and everyone was super impressed with the place. When my family and I were leaving on this day, my realtor handed me the comps in the area to look at in my spare time. On those listings, not one had "pets accepted". When we got the association documents, it was confirmed, pets were not accepted. 

People may think that I am a crazy cat lady. I am not bothered by this at all. These 10 year old babies have been with me all their whole lives other when they were fostered for 8 weeks after birth. They have seen me through rehab a few times, multiple jobs and shift changes, a master's degree, a divorce, 3 moves and countless other life events. They are my family and I will not move without them. I rescinded my offer and was truly heartbroken by the experience. I was a little surprised at how quickly the bottom fell out from underneath me when this happened. I was super depressed (like sleep every minute when not at work) and feeling the stress of having to make some larger decisions about my lease, etc without knowing what was going to happen next. Should I give up and wait until next year? Should I go month to month? Can I afford to that? Should I look for a new apartment elsewhere? I knew what I could not control and what I needed to let go. I just found it really hard to let go of the 1st place and was not happy about not knowing what to do about my lease. 

In the next few weeks, I put in about 4 more offers. I was totally detached from the situation. I kinda had the "whatever" feeling about it. It wasn't that I didn't like these places, I saw great potential in each of them. I was still licking my wounds from the last place and didn't want to get overly invested in the next place. During these few weeks, I got the information about my rent for the next year and month-to-month pricing. Sticker shock is about the only way I could look at these numbers. I figured I could stay in this place for 3 months past the expiration of my lease. It was going to be a tight few months, but I could do it. 

Financial stress is one of those things that just drives me bonkers. I came across an old journal I had from when I was married. Ekkk....I was kind of pissy and angry! I can tell that I was mostly intoxicated when I wrote it. Thank God, I did put that stuff online. It wasn't pretty. Anyway, half of the entries were breakdowns of my itemized expenses and my income. How much overtime would I need to work to get out of this marriage? What could I afford, what needed to go? Finally 10 years after that life shift, I am finally at a point were finances are not my top worry in life. When I work extra hours these days, it's for "fun" money so to speak. I don't have to depend on that income to live. With the rent going up like it was for the past 3 years though, I was heading back to making rent being the top concern. AGAIN. I don't want to have to work 3 jobs. I work my new other jobs by choice, not out of need.

​So, with offer after offer being rejected (12 total), finances climbing the list of things to worry about, work increasing in intensity, I have decided in retrospect, I didn't like March 2018 very much. The anxiousness and restlessness was so much more intense than I had experienced in quite some time. I wasn't managing my stress very well. I wanted to just move ahead and get things done. "Geez, just take this offer because I don't want to look anymore." That's not a great way to buy a house and fortunately, I have a great realtor that wasn't going to let me get away with that. Ultimately (like everyone told me), I got the place I wanted. I had been eyeing this complex since 2017 when I first started looking. It's affordable, in a really nice place, small association that clears the snow in the winter and maintains to the grounds year round. I am 2 blocks from multiple nature trails. I am the exact same distance commuting wise. I am still a few minutes from the city. And, bonus, my mortgage payment will be 50% less than what I paying in rent right now. Not to mention, this will be the first time since 1999 that I will have an in-unit washer/dryer and a garage that is connected to the house. It's little things like this that make me smile. 

My loan is out of underwriting. Inspections and appraisals are all done. I have a closing date and time. Yet, I don't feel super excited about it. It's strange because I love the place, I have a friend with serious decorating skills on standby after I close, my finances are going to be fabulous again, I won't have to change anything about my normal routine (moving only 5 miles away  from my current location) and I get my very own place to do whatever I want to it. Why am I near emotionless about it? Part of me, I think, will just not be happy until everything is signed and I know it is mine for sure. I hope anyway. Maybe I will feel more excited when I take my family there to visit and take someone on a tour. I have only been in the place once. It was still occupied so I haven't bothered the current homeowner since the offer was accepted. There is plenty of time to get measurements, etc. I am excited to show people the place online, but lose that enthusiasm the minute they walk away. 

My poor therapist got an ear full last week. He is a kind man and is often intrigued since I tend to bring my problems and some ideas for solutions to most appointments. Makes his job pretty easy overall :) I see him once a month to keep myself grounded. I didn't have any solutions for my problems in April. Problems: I bought house, I am not excited. I feel blah. Not depressed per se, just ugh. I am tired. I am not excited about anything. What's my problem? Well, for one, I am going through a lot of changes many of which are awesome, but stressful. My job is changing. It's excited but intimidating. My job feels like it has become more difficult in the past 6 months. Not sure if that is true or if I am getting burned out. Moving is super un-fun. I have a lot of stuff to get rid of. I think I will actually feel better after that. I can't really "move" (no pun intended) on anything until the house stuff is done. I am just sort of sitting in this holding pattern for the next 2 weeks and have been so for the past 2 months. 

My therapist did ask me a question that got me thinking this week. "I hate this question too, but what do you see yourself doing in 5 years?" I am not sure what question is worse - what do you do for self-care or this one! He was pushing me to reconnect with my dreams/motivation. I have written about this before - 2012 is the year that I look back at when I was the happiest since being sober. I have had a lot of other happiness since then - a TEDx talk, a great job, a trip to Cuba, a cruise, many awesome times with my family. The ups and downs since 2012 have been fairly dramatic. Job changes, ending of a long-term relationship, going back to school, loss of health insurance (2013), limited income, stress from both jobs (transplant and counseling). The "ups" so to speak since 2012, have been awesome. Many laughs, memories and great times. The "downs" though, have been pretty significant ones. I don't remember having so many downs in 2012 which is why it may stand tall in my memories. Relatively new in recovery coupled with some major idealism that I was going to change the world somehow tends to retain a happy place in my memory. Now, some days I struggle to get out of bed because the purpose of today is no different from yesterday. My light is fading as I engage the reality of my career choice. In 2012, I had all of these hopes, dreams, ideas and motivation. As my life has become consumed with working the front lines of this battle against addiction, I am fatigued. I am tired. I feel ugh. The reality has set in.

So, the question becomes, how to do I get my passion back? What needs to change? How do I am balance my love of life and the darkness of fighting addiction? I am an Aquarius - I take that very seriously too. We are idealist. We live in this idealistic space with unending hope and vision to change the world. (Famous Aquarians - Abraham Lincoln, Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah, Wolfgang Mozart, Galileo Galilei, Charles Darwin, Thomas Edison) Unless I am connected with some dream, some "what's next", I tend to fade. I become easily overwhelmed with the heaviness of today. I need to reconnect with my "what's next". It's been there for a while, but I have been pushing it aside. One thing that I hope this house purchase will do is free up some funds to start really indulging in some writing and publishing seminars. The universe could not be sending me any more clearer messages that what I am getting right now. "GO DO IT ALREADY....." :)

I will post some pictures once I get my place for sure!!

Peace,
Julie​

It's been a long time since I posted. For that I sincerely apologize! I started a blog entry about a month about the process of house hunting. That is a whole separate discussion from my post tonight. I have some serious thoughts about that process! If you are searching for a house, let me know and I will say a prayer for you. It's a tough market out there!

Tonight I went to church which is still one of my favorite places to do a little "me" time. When I am there, I am mindful and challenged. I call my church a "God loves everyone" church. They bring up topics that everyone associated with faith has thought about but may have felt like a bad person for thinking about it. Tonight we talked about religion and how religion can really negate the purpose of faith. Again, this could be a whole blog entry in and of itself. I had often wondered how my desire to be a good human and the fact that I screw that up on a near daily basis can fit into the perfection that religion often promotes. I got some answers tonight. 

After grabbing some post-church dinner with my faithful friends/church goers, I was heading home. I had thought about stopping at Home Depot to look at flooring and painting. I stopped at my bank first to cash a check I have been holding onto for several weeks. After I pulled out of the drive thru at the ATM, I looked up and saw Big Lots. I decided I wanted to go there to look at furniture and some decor item. (I did purchase a place, by the way.) I wandered through all the aisles as I normally do when I don't have much else on my agenda. Fabulous deals are available at Big Lots.

As I was going through my final aisles deciding if I really needed to buy to laundry baskets (the answer was no), I heard a woman having a rather passionate conversation with a friend. She had somehow put the conversation on speaker and couldn't turn it off. I heard things like "he needs to go to treatment", "I can't handle this anymore", etc. For a second, I thought, no one wants to talk about this in public, I will let her be. I turned the corner and I caught her eye. She scurried away and I decided to follow her. She was going to call her friend back to get off of speakerphone. She hung up the phone and starting pacing in the laundry soap aisle.

I pushed my cart along side of her said, "I know this isn't any of my business. I just wanted to you know that you are doing the right thing." Her eyes welled up with tears. "What do you mean," she asked. "I'm sorry for being nosy, it's just that I am a substance abuse counselor and a person in recovery. You are doing the right thing." Her friend called her back and she asked me to wait a minute. She told her friend that she would call her back in a minute and proceeded to ask me a lot of questions about what she should do. As we talked, she told me twice that she believes in God and that God put me there just for her. "You came here for a reason, so did I. We needed to meet." My eyes began to well up with tears to know the power of reaching out to someone who is hurting and even though I can't do anything for her except offer my support and a hug, we will be forever in each other memories for having a "chance encounter" when it was so meaningful and needed for both of us.

To this day, I still struggle with the ultimate purpose of this journey of recovery. Don't get me wrong, I have done a lot in this journey and I have followed several paths with it. I work in the field now. I write about addiction and recovery. I have spoken at several events in the past five years. Right now I don't feel like I have fulfilled my purpose yet. Tonight felt more like my purpose than working in the field. Now that I have written that statement, I am not sure what to think. I have thought a lot about my work in the field of addiction treatment and my own personal recovery. Did I make the wrong decision? Am I disappointed? Am I happy? Is this the calling? I really can't say a definitive "yes" or "no" to any of those questions. 

This week at work was a tough one. I am slowly reducing my caseload as I transition to a new position. Pretty much all of folks left had a really bad week. Relapses, jail, MIA, Children Protection involvement, warrants, probation violations etc. etc. After my last appointment on Friday, I sat next to one of my coworkers and said, "Wow. That was a tough week. I am starting to wonder....." At that moment, another substance abuse counselor wandered over. "I was just telling her how crappy this week was for most of my clients. I am starting to wonder about my efficacy." This counselor has been in the field for a long time and chuckled. "As if it's your fault." I really needed to hear that. While I know it's not my fault or my doing, it's hard not to question myself. Was there something else I should have seen or done?

When I was sitting on the cruise back in January, I started reading a book I got for Christmas about writing a book. One of the exercises was to write out my concepts and ideas on notecards. Chances are that I would have several ideas of which only a few really belong in the book I am desiring to write. Oh yes, that was very correct. I have enough ideas and concepts for about three books. I settled for the topic I would like to address first. As I have been working on this book, I have essentially gotten myself into a corner. I have a lot of things to say without any conclusion - a "call to action" sort of thing. It's like asking someone, would you recommend your car and proceeding to tell them the good, bad and random things about it and saying, "probably not but not a 'no', sure but maybe not." 

Honestly, this is part of my addictive personality that is both good and bad. I can play both sides of the fence so very well. Early in my recovery, I discovered this about myself. I was challenged by a counselor to have an opinion. She asked me a straight question. I started in with the "well, it depends...." and then started asking her questions to get her opinion. She knew what I was doing and led me in one direction. So my conclusion was her "opinion" as I understood it during our conversation. She proceeded to tell me that she actually felt opposite of that and I immediately changed my answer in an effort to have her "like me", "agree with me", "not to offend" kind of thing. She could see that I was squirming all over the place when I realized that I had agreed with her because of her and not because I carried any distinct opinion about the situation. 

This personality trait can come in really handy at times. As a general way of living though? It kinda sucks. I was given an assignment about values and what was important to me. I wasn't allowed to ask anyone about any of it and I had to present it in group. When my group members had different opinions or different goals than myself, I had felt somehow that I had failed. She watched me do the same thing in the group setting to get the opinions and slowly shift my own. "Not so fast," she would say, "what happened to _________? Why is that no longer important? Because Mary doesn't have that on her list?" She was forcing me to get off of the fence and take a stance on something. "If that's important to you, Julie, it's important. To you. And you are the only one that has to know and believe it is important." In essence, what is important to me is important. Period. End of discussion. My value system is not up for debate. I don't have to rigid and I don't have to be flexible. It's a "both, and" kind of thing when I love my world of black and white.

The first step of recovery is admitting that there is a problem. So, there it is - my "problem" so to speak. I am on the fence about my journey. I feel validation and fulfillment with what I am doing. AND I am also feeling like what I am doing right at this moment is not "it". My black and white world is starting to gray. There are many areas in my life I have moved into the gray. Recovery is still very black and white. Either I am all in or all out. However, that "all in" is about my decision to not use drugs and alcohol today. My life is different. My life in recovery is different. My life requires a level of flexibility that I am currently feeling challenged by. Basically, I want answers. What is this purpose?

My chance encounter was very helpful for me tonight. Something about this encounter has triggered ideas and thoughts. It help me put words to this restlessness that has been going on for a couple of years now. It's one thing to be restless, it's another thing to know what it's about and where to go. I know it has something to do with purpose. I know that I am feeling burned out. I know that I need spring ASAP. I know I need to finish this book. In order to complete any of this, I need to come to a conclusion. I need to get off of this fence of indecision and fear. I have long been told by various entities in my life that I am the one holding myself back. There is nothing I can't accomplish. However, nothing gets accomplish if I don't start, don't try or don't decide. Lots to think about tonight. 

Peace,
JT