House Hunters

In 2 weeks, I should be closing on my new place. This process is quite possibly one of the more stressful activities I have partaken in since getting sober. The last time I purchased a place, I was drunk nearly every single day and had abdicated all financial responsibility to my ex-husband. The process was pretty smooth sailing for me back then! Barely aware of what was happening. Look at 2 places, sign a bunch of paperwork and just like magic - a homeowner. Well, kids, it's not 2004 anymore and the financial people actually expect me to be a reasonable financial position this time around. 

To be really honest, I am surprised I am back purchasing. The end of the story above was quite horrible - foreclosure, lost property values, etc. etc. Renting has been nice in terms of when things blow up, a hoard of people show up and it's fixed. Both places I have lived since moving out of my condo in South Minneapolis have been nice and generally affordable until last year. The rental prices are going up at insane rates! I am now at a point where owning just makes way more sense. Despite my experience from the last time around, I was pretty excited about doing some house hunting. The only thing that matters is what I think about it and what I am willing to compromise on, etc. I am driving this boat. My money. My purchase. Me. Me. Me (My addictive side doesn't ever go away completely.)

Little did I know when I started moving towards pre-qualifying in 2017, the market is ridiculous. Super ridiculous. Pretty much most properties in my range would come on the market and either be sold in less than 12 hours or have multiple offers within 24 hours. Most of the time, I wouldn't even get a chance to look before they were off the market. In mid-March, I came across a condo in Maplewood and really enjoyed the possibilities there. I got all pumped up and excited when my offer was accepted. I brought my whole family over to take a look and everyone was super impressed with the place. When my family and I were leaving on this day, my realtor handed me the comps in the area to look at in my spare time. On those listings, not one had "pets accepted". When we got the association documents, it was confirmed, pets were not accepted. 

People may think that I am a crazy cat lady. I am not bothered by this at all. These 10 year old babies have been with me all their whole lives other when they were fostered for 8 weeks after birth. They have seen me through rehab a few times, multiple jobs and shift changes, a master's degree, a divorce, 3 moves and countless other life events. They are my family and I will not move without them. I rescinded my offer and was truly heartbroken by the experience. I was a little surprised at how quickly the bottom fell out from underneath me when this happened. I was super depressed (like sleep every minute when not at work) and feeling the stress of having to make some larger decisions about my lease, etc without knowing what was going to happen next. Should I give up and wait until next year? Should I go month to month? Can I afford to that? Should I look for a new apartment elsewhere? I knew what I could not control and what I needed to let go. I just found it really hard to let go of the 1st place and was not happy about not knowing what to do about my lease. 

In the next few weeks, I put in about 4 more offers. I was totally detached from the situation. I kinda had the "whatever" feeling about it. It wasn't that I didn't like these places, I saw great potential in each of them. I was still licking my wounds from the last place and didn't want to get overly invested in the next place. During these few weeks, I got the information about my rent for the next year and month-to-month pricing. Sticker shock is about the only way I could look at these numbers. I figured I could stay in this place for 3 months past the expiration of my lease. It was going to be a tight few months, but I could do it. 

Financial stress is one of those things that just drives me bonkers. I came across an old journal I had from when I was married. Ekkk....I was kind of pissy and angry! I can tell that I was mostly intoxicated when I wrote it. Thank God, I did put that stuff online. It wasn't pretty. Anyway, half of the entries were breakdowns of my itemized expenses and my income. How much overtime would I need to work to get out of this marriage? What could I afford, what needed to go? Finally 10 years after that life shift, I am finally at a point were finances are not my top worry in life. When I work extra hours these days, it's for "fun" money so to speak. I don't have to depend on that income to live. With the rent going up like it was for the past 3 years though, I was heading back to making rent being the top concern. AGAIN. I don't want to have to work 3 jobs. I work my new other jobs by choice, not out of need.

​So, with offer after offer being rejected (12 total), finances climbing the list of things to worry about, work increasing in intensity, I have decided in retrospect, I didn't like March 2018 very much. The anxiousness and restlessness was so much more intense than I had experienced in quite some time. I wasn't managing my stress very well. I wanted to just move ahead and get things done. "Geez, just take this offer because I don't want to look anymore." That's not a great way to buy a house and fortunately, I have a great realtor that wasn't going to let me get away with that. Ultimately (like everyone told me), I got the place I wanted. I had been eyeing this complex since 2017 when I first started looking. It's affordable, in a really nice place, small association that clears the snow in the winter and maintains to the grounds year round. I am 2 blocks from multiple nature trails. I am the exact same distance commuting wise. I am still a few minutes from the city. And, bonus, my mortgage payment will be 50% less than what I paying in rent right now. Not to mention, this will be the first time since 1999 that I will have an in-unit washer/dryer and a garage that is connected to the house. It's little things like this that make me smile. 

My loan is out of underwriting. Inspections and appraisals are all done. I have a closing date and time. Yet, I don't feel super excited about it. It's strange because I love the place, I have a friend with serious decorating skills on standby after I close, my finances are going to be fabulous again, I won't have to change anything about my normal routine (moving only 5 miles away  from my current location) and I get my very own place to do whatever I want to it. Why am I near emotionless about it? Part of me, I think, will just not be happy until everything is signed and I know it is mine for sure. I hope anyway. Maybe I will feel more excited when I take my family there to visit and take someone on a tour. I have only been in the place once. It was still occupied so I haven't bothered the current homeowner since the offer was accepted. There is plenty of time to get measurements, etc. I am excited to show people the place online, but lose that enthusiasm the minute they walk away. 

My poor therapist got an ear full last week. He is a kind man and is often intrigued since I tend to bring my problems and some ideas for solutions to most appointments. Makes his job pretty easy overall :) I see him once a month to keep myself grounded. I didn't have any solutions for my problems in April. Problems: I bought house, I am not excited. I feel blah. Not depressed per se, just ugh. I am tired. I am not excited about anything. What's my problem? Well, for one, I am going through a lot of changes many of which are awesome, but stressful. My job is changing. It's excited but intimidating. My job feels like it has become more difficult in the past 6 months. Not sure if that is true or if I am getting burned out. Moving is super un-fun. I have a lot of stuff to get rid of. I think I will actually feel better after that. I can't really "move" (no pun intended) on anything until the house stuff is done. I am just sort of sitting in this holding pattern for the next 2 weeks and have been so for the past 2 months. 

My therapist did ask me a question that got me thinking this week. "I hate this question too, but what do you see yourself doing in 5 years?" I am not sure what question is worse - what do you do for self-care or this one! He was pushing me to reconnect with my dreams/motivation. I have written about this before - 2012 is the year that I look back at when I was the happiest since being sober. I have had a lot of other happiness since then - a TEDx talk, a great job, a trip to Cuba, a cruise, many awesome times with my family. The ups and downs since 2012 have been fairly dramatic. Job changes, ending of a long-term relationship, going back to school, loss of health insurance (2013), limited income, stress from both jobs (transplant and counseling). The "ups" so to speak since 2012, have been awesome. Many laughs, memories and great times. The "downs" though, have been pretty significant ones. I don't remember having so many downs in 2012 which is why it may stand tall in my memories. Relatively new in recovery coupled with some major idealism that I was going to change the world somehow tends to retain a happy place in my memory. Now, some days I struggle to get out of bed because the purpose of today is no different from yesterday. My light is fading as I engage the reality of my career choice. In 2012, I had all of these hopes, dreams, ideas and motivation. As my life has become consumed with working the front lines of this battle against addiction, I am fatigued. I am tired. I feel ugh. The reality has set in.

So, the question becomes, how to do I get my passion back? What needs to change? How do I am balance my love of life and the darkness of fighting addiction? I am an Aquarius - I take that very seriously too. We are idealist. We live in this idealistic space with unending hope and vision to change the world. (Famous Aquarians - Abraham Lincoln, Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah, Wolfgang Mozart, Galileo Galilei, Charles Darwin, Thomas Edison) Unless I am connected with some dream, some "what's next", I tend to fade. I become easily overwhelmed with the heaviness of today. I need to reconnect with my "what's next". It's been there for a while, but I have been pushing it aside. One thing that I hope this house purchase will do is free up some funds to start really indulging in some writing and publishing seminars. The universe could not be sending me any more clearer messages that what I am getting right now. "GO DO IT ALREADY....." :)

I will post some pictures once I get my place for sure!!

Peace,
Julie​