In some of the very first AA meetings I went to, there was always a gentleman that introduced himself as a grateful alcoholic. I have to admit I scoffed the first few times I heard this. Who in their right mind is grateful for this mess? I finally asked him one day in a first step meeting - why are you grateful? He told me that because of his alcoholism he had the opportunity to look deep into his soul and have an understanding of himself and the world around him. Because of the 12 steps he lives a life a peace and serenity that those without a problem may never get to have.

I was watching a YouTube video tonight that got me thinking about glorifying lifestyle, glorifying drug use, etc. etc. So the video is of Onyx and Biohazard (yes, I know, how terribly 90s of me...) from a song called Judgement Night. Judgement Night is movie that came out when I was living in Austria. A guy in my group had the soundtrack with him there and I borrowed it from time to time. If you go and find that video, you might be surprised that I am listening to it. It's basically rap and it's pretty graphic. I am not exactly sure if I even like the song, it just gets stuck in my head from now and again. When I watched the video tonight, there is a sense of glorify gang lifestyle. I immediately starting thinking about all the things in my life that have seemed glorified to me, especially in the arena of drugs and alcohol. 

I hit google to find myself a nifty little picture to use for my blog and the image above came up. I had seen this picture several months ago when I got an email from one of the 1,000 drug and alcohol listserves I belong to alerting me to these shirts that were for sale through Urban Outfitters. They were asking me to sign a petition to tell this company to stop glorifying drug use and remove these shirts from the market. I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted to write about tonight with regards to glorifying use, but now as I listen to more songs and YouTube and wade my way through the 1,000+ photo google spit out when I typed in "glorification of drug use pictures", I had lost my original sense of indignation I had about the topic in the beginning. 

Now, the picture of above, I don't support this at all. Kids at that age shouldn't even know what these drugs are. Xanax and Vicodin mixed together can kill you. Adderall is horribly addictive and overprescribed. Xanax, for that matter, is also overprescribed and opiates are WAYYYYY too available. Do I think they should make T-shirts glorifying these drugs....no. However, then we need to look at everything else out there. Shot glasses were a staple of my glassware collection up until about 25 when shots were a joke. How many birthday cards make some swipe about going out and getting wasted to celebrated. Oh, let's not forget all the TV shows out there like Breaking Bad and Weeds in which the foundation of the story is the drug culture. 

My original train of thought when I grabbed this topic tonight was to talk about the guys I work with right now. Most of my guys are products of the criminal justice system. Some of my guys have spent most of their adult lives incarcerated. I have guys in their late teens and early 20s with 3 different probation officers and the threat of 25+ years of jail hanging over their heads with they don't complete treatment. When they are outside of the treatment groups, these guys glorify everything from the drug use to gang affiliation over to living the life of an incarcerated individual. In my opinion, most of these guys just don't know what else to do. It's all they have ever known. They also suffer from "jail mentality" in which they are trying to assert their dominance in order to have the power. I don't look at them the same way I look at a company who distributes shirts like these. These guys are about survival. If they aren't from the jail mentality, they are certainly of a street mentality (again about survival, not about being "cool" or "awesome" like my teens to see these behaviors as). These mentalities are hard to work with because group therapy, in particular, is about developing a cohesive group of people who are willing to get vulnerable with each other and work on the core issues that keep them in this cycle. Surprisingly to me, the hardest, "years in the pen" type guys are the ones who have the power to drive change in my groups. They command respect. They get it too. You know that saying...."If Mom isn't happy, then no one is" ? The same concept applies with some of my toughest clients. If they want to change, you all better want to too....if they don't, they generally won't assert authority. They will just sleep through the process or walk out the door. So, that dude on the street with tattoos on every inch of his body and looks like he could beat someone up with his eyes? Yeah, that guy....is my greatest asset. He can drive more change than I ever could. My job becomes to manage the chaos......

After I started writing the first paragraph this blog, I was having a problem focusing so I decided to take a bath. While there, I started thinking about all the things that seemed glorified in my life. Drinking and drugs were definitely glorified in my high school experience especially when I went to Austria for a year where it was legal to drink for someone my age. And as we are all aware, no good story starts out with "While I was eating a salad.....". In my personal experience, travel abroad was something that was very glorified to me. I used to listen to the stories from the other groups coming back and thought "yeah I need to have stories like that too....". Yeah, I have some funny stories from that trip, but many of my stories are really kind of sad. Stories of severe homesickness, sadness, depression. My expectation for that trip was greatness. I saw glimpses of it. I didn't want people to know that I didn't "have the best time of life" while I was there but you would have never known that from how I talked about it. Same with my trip back to Germany a few years later. I felt that I should really like this idea of living abroad. Again, my expectations were dashed when I had almost the same experience. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be back with my friends and family. Hmmm.....

My senior in college, I was filling out an application to become a Fulbright Scholar in Germany. This would have been another year abroad. My advisor at the time was proof-reading my essay. He looked up and said "this is kinda shit for you. What's up with that?" I just shrugged my shoulders and he then asked me why I  was applying for this. "I don't know, I should because I can probably get it and people seem impressed by it." He looked at me and asked me again if I really wanted to do this and it was OK to say that I didn't. I teared up a little bit. "Julie, if you need permission, here it is. Go home. You don't have to do anything. Go home and be happy. Do you want to go home?" I never looked back again. I never ever for one minute regret my decision not to apply and go on. I have had a few people I know go and they LOVED it. That is great! I wished I would have the same experience but I just didn't. When I talk about these experiences now, people tell me how lucky I am that I got to do all that. Yes, I am, but it is wasn't right for me and it accelerated my alcoholism in the span of a few months. 

In my 20s, I glorified the hell out of alcohol use. Everything was either related to alcohol, because of alcohol or interesting because of alcohol. I never felt much out of place about this. I had a pretty active social life. Many of my friends were not married and we were all about having a good time. It was pretty easy to hide dysfunctional drinking patterns in this phase. I used the glorification of use to normalize my relationship with alcohol. I made sure that others around me had a great time while using too. Yippeee, the alcoholic does not stand alone!

Ultimately, was my use driven by the glorification of others? Others are always going to be talking about stuff. It's was I choose to listen to and choose to build my expectation of fun upon. I watch Breaking Bad - meth use is not really of all that much interest to me....Weeds - great show - doesn't make me smoke weed. I see the glorification of use from a much different lens these days. I try to help my guys see that when others are wandering around glorifying their use, they are trying to normalize it and also to assert some dominance. "I did more of this than you....You will never be as addict as me...." Blah blah blah. If you don't want to listen to it because you are trying to change, then don't. Walk away. That is their disease talking. If you engage, your brain will engage and I can bet that you will be in my office telling me that you are triggered. 

Is there too much glorification of use? Yeah, of course. My question would be is how to draw the lines in the sand about preventing it. When a prevention specialist came into one of my classes last year, I did not give her the time of day. She was talking about prevention techniques and being politically active against stuff like the Xanax shirts. I blew her off, honestly, because at that moment, I didn't believe that prevention is possible. There is nothing that anyone at any point would have told me that would have convinced me not to pick up that first drink. My Mom warned me about the strong family history of alcohol problems. I had the D.A.R.E. guy come and talk me to in the 4th grade. Nothing and I mean nothing was going to prevent that first drink. Now, that is me....there are people who can be prevented from walking down this path. The question for this blog - does attempting to stop the glorification in the media, for instance, work? How do we move to define the acceptable nature of drug use or gangs or jail. Is it OK on TV as long as we throw a disclaimer out there saying "if this were real, it's actually pretty bad?". As you can probably tell, I remain a bit on the skeptical side mainly because I lack the appropriate knowledge to make an argument other than what I know from my own life. 

Well, I hope you have all enjoyed one of my more disjointed blogs to date. Maybe in a week or two I will re-read this one and have a clearer idea of what I really wanted to say. I just know that I still glorify some of my use. It's like when my therapist was counseling me through my divorce - she said it hurts to think about the past relationship with your ex-husband because not all the memories were bad. Break ups would be a lot easier if the total relationship was crap. I agree and I still feel that way about my use. Oh, there were some good times for sure. However, at this juncture, when I look at the reality of my use and the use of others, I think of Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Whitney Houston, Amy Winehouse. We all knew they were using...and we lost them. When I see the Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus, I see them sitting with Lindsay Lohan at some fancy treatment center in California. I see nothing fun or glamorous about their use. Maybe, now, in this 24/7 world, we don't just see the pictures of awesome fun at the party, we see the aftermath via mugshots, passing out in the bathroom, looking like crap at the end of the night. I just see the glorification of use another defense mechanism in my world. It's an attempt to minimize the impact of use and an excellent way to deflect responsibility. 

I would say about a year ago, I wrote a blog entry about self-pity and the parties I tend to throw for myself on occasion. Well, apparently I am back again asking for my pity party - table for 1 please....So, here's the deal:

Since last fall, I have been struggling with my motivation. I called in sick more for my internship last semester and this semester than I have for my combined working career of 20 years. I have been working with my personal treatment team (my primary care doctor, therapist and psychiatrist) trying to figure out what's been going on here. I have had medication adjustments, got myself a zoomy new therapy light box, found out I have low vitamin D levels and started up therapy again now that I have insurance. This has been going on, now. for about 7 months. Where am I at today? I think I am sitting in an extremely long, drawn out pity party for myself, among other things. But, mainly, that. 

I make absolutely no secret about the fact that I am in recovery in every aspect of my life. At work, at school, at my internship, at home, among friends. I nearly killed myself and every relationship around me. I made a decision to get sober and managed to climb out of a very deep hole and get my life back. I am proud of that and it is part of who I am now. A few recent acquaintances asked me to share some of my testimony recently. I don't really find my story all that interesting, per se, so I decided that I would  I talk about the last few days leading up to treatment and the first day after I discharged from detox to treatment:

"I stepped onto the floor and was greeting by the peer leader. She showed me where we eat and where the laundry was. The whole time my lip was quivering and I was using every last bit of energy to fight  back a well of tears. Finally, the dam broke and I stood in the middle of the hallway crying with 3 people trying to reach in for a hug trying to comfort me at a very vulnerable moment. 
I was pulled out of the first group meeting and sat with an intake counselor who was helping me to develop a treatment plan. I told her that my aunt and uncle helped me remodel my condo to make it a better place for me to live and I screwed that up. I was given everything in this world - a loving family, education, intelligence - and look where I landed. I also had a good job and I was blowing it. I just basically suck....At this point, she turns to me and says 'Client uses 'self-pity' as a defense mechanism'. For some reason that stung me...."

As I was talking, I must have made some funny face or something because it was brought to my attention that my tone and facial expressions changed immediately after talking about the self-pity diagnosis.  In my mind at the time, I was right - I was given everything to succeed and I failed. I failed to care for many of the gift that were given to me. I had done some pretty shady things. However, like my friend Helen Keller is quoted above, it's a bad enemy for every reason. It belittles an experience. It reduces my role in the world. It minimizes any hope for the future.  Even though I know what self-pity can do on one or two levels, it's still a defense mechanism that tends to resurface at really inopportune times, like these past 6-7 months. 

Defense mechanisms  are just a habit used by me to protect me from what I don't want to deal with right now. As I started meeting with my therapist again, she noted a tremendous amount of anger in our first 10 minutes together. Nothing in particular, just everything, just life, I guess. When I met with her two weeks ago she was after me to talk about the termination of my relationship with ALBK that ended after 5 years. She believes this breakup to be the real source of my anger. I didn't have the opportunity to make the appropriate closure. There is some truth in that, however, I was the one that ultimately ended the relationship and I had been unhappy for a year or more. I stuck in the relationship because I thought maybe things would change if I waited a little longer. I also stuck around because I thought it was better than being along. Ironically, my life is virtually the same without the relationship because we were never able to see each other and I used to avoid his phone calls so I wouldn't have to talk with him. I went to all my functions and engagements alone then and now. I just don't have to make excuses for why he isn't there. Do I miss him? Yes, he was a good friend and he was part of the people who were part of me getting sober in the beginning. If he walked back in the door, would I take him back? I don't think so. There are some things in the world that are better as all or nothing. I can't handle a 20%-30% relationship. It actually makes me ache more for the 80-90% that isn't there.

Anyway, we talked this week. She asked me about a time when things felt good and happy for me. Not to say that there hasn't been great times between now and then, but the most recent time of consistent self-happiness was in February 2012. I was applying for grad school. I was sponsoring people. I was in DBT and using those skills. I was hopeful about starting a new path in my career. Most of all, I think I looked at myself as more of a "whole person" not just one thing. I had been trapped for many years in wrapping myself into the identity of being a nurse. Being a nurse was about the only thing I had left besides by family at the end of my drinking. I got feedback time and time again in treatment and in recovery that I needed to look at myself in other ways. That's not all that I am. I was encouraged to explore other things about me. In February 2012, I was a daughter, an aunt, a sister,  a woman, a sponsor, a woman in recovery, a future grad school student and a transplant nurse. I felt like I kinda had it all. I was more than one thing and I had my life spread all over the place so that various parts of my soul were being fed from every which way.

As I started school, I started narrowly focus my attention again. I had to sacrifice (for the greater good mind you) time with my family, my time with AA. I could no longer sponsor people because there are ethical issues there. I had given up possibly the best job I ever had for school. I have been tremendously disappointed by this experience in school and in my internships the last two semesters, I have started to have a crisis of faith if I made the right decision. Since January 2013, I have been triggered frequently by the class content and now I am very triggered by my internships. After being a successful nurse for the past 10 years, I feel like I am kind of a crappy intern. At least, that is what my self-pitied mind is framing this experience as at the moment. So my therapist asked me if I was starting to pigeon-hole myself into this one area as a gauge of my overall success in life. Yeah, maybe, kind of. 

Now, I don't like NOT being good at things. I have been relatively fortunate in my life that I can sit down and do most anything as far as jobs. I learn quickly, computers are super-duper for me and I am usually able to get along with co-workers very well. I picked up on nursing very quickly. My former boss at my current job made a comment to me at one point "yeah, well you walk on water around here...." Yeah, that was actually kind of true. I could do no wrong. I was the pinnacle of all there was on nights for abdominal transplant. Hey, who doesn't want to feel that way? Who doesn't want to feel so successful? What is the phrase that I am looking for? The higher up and the longer the fall down? Something like that, you get the point. 

When I first started my internships, I was really happy with my first placement. It wasn't very different from what I was already doing in my nursing. I felt helpful to the counselor because I was able to help her with the medical stuff. They were ready to offer me a job at the end of semester. Then, I became engaged in conflict at my next placement which ultimately led in my having to leave the school for the semester and terminating the internship. For the first time in my adult life, I felt mentally ill. I know that I suffer from mental illness but I have worked really hard to keep these symptoms under control because I just can't go back there. Well, my "questionable mental health" that caused me to withdraw made me feel broken. Now, every time I login to my school account, I get reminded that I had to leave that semester because it states permanently on my records "W" (Withdrawn). You know that show - Orange is the New Black? Well in my world - W is the new letter for F (Failure). I limped through the summer back at work after I withdrew. I struggled and I was thrown the highest level of negative feedback I have ever received in any job, ever. My motivation to go on was strictly driven by a need to make ends meet financially until I went back to school. Ultimately, I felt really rejected by a few co-workers who asked me to leave the group I had helped for the summer. My work ethic was questioned. The nurse in me was questioned and I never really got over that or beyond that.  A few people I thought were friends, were not. I had been betrayed and it just hurts.

I stated the next semester with a chip on my shoulder and a bad taste in my mouth. I wasn't really held accountable to anything. My internship was really casual. My job hours were very reduced. My classes were not my favorite and there was no real consequences if I didn't go. So I didn't. I used to pride myself on my work ethic and my ability to self-motivate. I lost that in the fall semester and I have yet to really regain it again. I had hoped with my new placement that I would be happier. Instead, I was incredibly intimidated by the clients, HORRIBLY insecure about myself, my skills and my abilities. Sadly, I am late to my internship nearly everyday I am there and the battle to get out of bed for it has become a significant chore. I just don't wanna go. I don't feel like I am very good at it. I tried to be on my best behavior and not engage in any conflict. I have been repeatedly in trouble for the most random things while my inability to show up on time is never an issue?!!?!? 

Just like of my last pity party, I am upset because of the following reasons:
1. I am not instantly good at what I am doing.
2. I have become hyper-aware of myself and cannot see past the bad
3. My work ethic is now what I had been accused of in the summer and that just makes me mad at myself
4. I have placed my entire sense of self-worth on something that takes years to master (counseling)
5. I have, again, lost my identity. Now I struggle to make the right decision (i.e. show up) and I am starting to see some old drinking behaviors and attitudes reemerging. I am attempting to do whatever I want to do while minimizing the consequences to myself. I am not taking ownership of my own behavior. I am stuck in a cycle of all-or-nothing/black and white thinking. 

My friend, KG and I were hanging out this last week. I mentioned to her that I was acting like an alcoholic, I just wasn't using at the moment. The above mentioned list is exactly what I look like when I am using. For those of you who had to field the "Julie Drunk Phone Calls" - does this sound familiar? It's all the stuff that I whined about when I was using. They were all the reasons I used as my excuses to drink.  "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me I guess I'll go eat worms...." I think that is my theme song for alcoholic Julie. Ironically I was holding a group about "Dry Drunks" today. I almost wanted to say, if I don't get back into my recovery life soon, you will have a dry drunk standing in front of you.


Lastly, on my tirade here, I have lost my sense of gratitude. This is the one component that I had ingrained in my recovery in February 2012. I was new enough in recovery to remember every last second of my drunkness. I was SOOOO grateful to just be different. In going around groups in the morning, I often ask people to name one thing they are grateful for today. When it came back to me I ended up staring at the ceiling thinking "well, I am pretty grateful that this damn internship is almost done...." and I actually said "I am grateful for...ummm....let's see....well....yeah the sun out...whatever."  What? I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful for these goofy kittens next to me. I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for this blog. I am grateful for another day of sobriety. I am grateful to have a flexible job. I am grateful that I am feeling financially secure right now. I am grateful for my niece and nephew. I am grateful for my loving friends. I am grateful for a nice place to live. While I have every right to be grateful to get done with school and my internship, I should NEVER EVER struggle with coming up with a list of 10 things in less than 30 seconds that I am grateful. I have life. I am sober. I am lucky. 


Ending on a serious note of gratitude....I am grateful that this experience with school is almost done. I can make it now. I know that I can. After writing this, actually, I feel 100x better. I need to reconnect with myself and my recovery again. I am pretty mad at myself right now. Maybe it is time to figure out that being mad at myself isn't really helping all that much. Maybe it is time to start my step 3 work - Make a decision to turn my will and life over to God as I understand Him. So, I will ask God to take the burdens of my heart tonight to make room for gratefulness to enter. I think I have crowded this heart with anger and resentments. I forgot to leave enough room for gratitude. Maybe this pity party is starting to come to end tonight.....

Peace!
Julie

Now that I am interning and going to school full time for addiction studies, I am constantly in some type of recovery talk at almost every moment of the day. In a discussion today, someone said, "....and then the alcohol stopped working..." I immediately nodded my head. Someone asked me "when did it stop working for you?" My immediate response was "who the hell cares, it just stopped working." I just shrugged my shoulders and let the conversation continue. It got me thinking....when did alcohol stop working?

I was talking to a good friend (KV) with whom I reconnected with recently. We went to high school together and she was there the first time I ever drank. We were rehashing memories and with almost perfect detail, I could recall every detail - what I drank, where I was at, what room I was in, where we were supposed to be and sadly I am pretty sure I remember what I was wearing. You know how annoying it is that I can remember all of this but I can't remember where the heck I put my car keys?  It's pretty annoying. 

At any rate, I remember that feeling that first time drinking. It was the best thing I had ever found. It was awesome. I felt relaxed and outgoing - something I really wanted to be. I was so self-conscious and hyper-aware of myself in high school and college. I pretty much had a degrading inner monologue going on at all times..."so dumb, God, really? Did you say that...you are so uncool, oh my God, it is no wonder that person doesn't want to be your friend". Alcohol took that all away and I could act stupid and feel like I had something to blame it on. So, as far as the socially anxious part of me was concerned, I was pretty well taken care of in high school.

Fast forward to college, alcohol got me out socializing and open enough to make friends, etc. But the use changed pretty quickly. Suddenly it was the reason and the focus of socializing. There was no reason in hanging out unless there was going to be some form of alcohol available. So, the relationship with alcohol changed my sophomore year of college. Then I left for Germany. I know there was a major shift in my drinking habits and the relationship. Now, I went abroad for a year my junior in high school to Austria. It was one of my toughest years of my life and the year after that (my senior year in high school). While in Austria, all I wanted was to be home with my family and friends. Again, I was hyper-aware of myself and felt so out of place. Fortunately, I had the BEST host family in the whole world. I think my host Mom and sister tried hard to make life good for me. My depression was just too deep at that time to really appreciate the opportunity. Additionally, my Dad has died less than 2 years before I left the country. I still had many unresolved feelings and grief. Then I separated myself from my friends and family for 9 months. It was tough. Upon my arrival back in the States, I realized that the world at home went on without me. I didn't like that. I spent most of senior year in a perpetual state of anger that things changed. It wasn't supposed to be that way.

Back to Germany. I became acutely aware of the experience I had while in Austria and I felt like the second time around I would be able to bury those demons in the past. On some level I think I did and the trip was better, but again, I really wanted to be at home with my family and friends. One of the best things that came out of that trip was my lasting friendship with NH. That friendship has meant the world to me and I wouldn't change anything for it. Although the trip was better, this was the first time that I started in consistent drinking and the act of drinking alone. I could gamble that I spent about 80% of the time there under the influence. I isolated quickly after this year and my senior year in college was about 50/50 of drinking alone or drinking socially with others. The tides were turning quickly and deep in my soul I was pretty panicked about this. I had hope that I would maybe, just possibly, grow out of this whole thing. Needless to say, that didn't happen.

Most of my social agenda for my 20s revolved around the use of alcohol. Many of my friends were in the same phase of life, and drink on we did! The drinking escalated at age 25 from wine and beer to hard liquor. I couldn't keep up the buzz after a bottle of wine anymore and beer had too many calories. When my ex-husband and I moved into the apartment around the time of our marriage, I, again, had another spike in my use. I was still having fun at some level and there were no major consequences. My ex-husband certainly knew about the amount I was drinking but I had him locked into thinking it was a phase and I would try to stop. I started to become aware of my ability to manipulate people. He was a #1 target to keep under control. He had direct access and the ability to tell people like my Mom or sister what was up. I can tell you, if my Mom knew all of this was going on, I would probably still be locked in a treatment facility. One of her many wishes for me was to NEVER have a struggle with alcohol. 

After our marriage and a move into the condo, I started making life decisions based on the convenience to drink. I wanted to work evenings for 2 very important reason (or so they seemed): 1. I didn't want to be around my husband anymore and 2. By the time I would get home, I would have the opportunity to drink without all the nagging. I wouldn't say that my drinking was making me happy anymore. I picked fights with my ex-husband and started having stomach problems. In my little addicted mind, I started to blame my drinking on him, the house, the job, the air we breath, the leaves on the trees....ANYTHING could be the reason why I drank. 

In 2007, when my divorce was finalized, I went on a epic 3 month binge. 90 straight days of drinking. I was celebrating now! Ultimately, it lead to overdosing on pills and landing the in ER about a year later. Maybe it was then, that night that it stopped working for me. I told my therapist, when I was sober I didn't feel like I was "FEELING" anything, but when I drank, I was able to cry and be sad. Well, there is a difference between a sobbing drunk girl and feeling the emotions of mourning and sadness. It was at that time that I convinced myself that I needed to drink in order to feel. Hmmm...ass backwards actually.

In 2009, I had a decent boyfriend, I had a home to live in that was remodeled by my aunt and uncle, I just bought a new car and I had a job that I wanted. Those were the main reasons I convinced myself that I drank......now I was a sobbing blathering idiot most days of the week despite having everything I wanted in life.  I had moved up from 0.25 liters of rum to nearly a liter at each sitting. I drank that liter in about 4-5 hours. I lost 60 pounds because I couldn't eat, I would throw up in the morning and mostly, I would just forget to eat. It started churning in my head that maybe it was this drinking that was making my life miserable. But the idea of going the rest of my life without a drink? That is just not possible, I am going to try to control my drinking. I used to work 12 hour shifts in 2007-2008. I would be able to not drink between those shifts. By 2010, it was no longer possible not to drink in between shifts and I honestly felt like I was dying when I needed to work for 24 hours on call. I had to be sober for those calls. It was becoming torturous. 

After entering treatment for the first time in 2010, I fought the battle internally. All I wanted in the world was to go back to how it was. I was way beyond that point now. I couldn't go back. Actually, I hadn't been back to where I wanted to be with my drinking since my sophomore year of college. It's weird to think that all I wanted in the world was to drink, yet I complained I didn't have anything in the world. I made my bed, now lie in it. If you want to drink, you don't get the world. If you want to be part of the world, you have to stop drinking. Damn you logical brain, damn you......Maybe on some level I thought the world would never take me back. Again, I became hyper-aware of myself. I hate being so aware of myself. It's not that I am hyper aware of the good things about myself, I am hyper aware of the acne I still have at age 37, the fact that I have gained a bunch of weight in school, my gray hair, etc. etc. Oh, and I went a little crazy on shaping my eyebrows...try not to look them next time you see me. I am super aware they are uneven for the time being.....

I ran into a situation last week that is sitting on my mind, almost a week after the fact. There was a situation in which I received some rather negative feedback for really no other reason than the other person failed to ask me what I meant when I made a blanket statement about an experience. (Sorry to be so vague, I want to be careful around some of the details....) I was shocked and taken aback, not to mention I was embarrassed that this little altercation happened around my friends.