Self-Pity Party - Table for 1/Part 2

I would say about a year ago, I wrote a blog entry about self-pity and the parties I tend to throw for myself on occasion. Well, apparently I am back again asking for my pity party - table for 1 please....So, here's the deal:

Since last fall, I have been struggling with my motivation. I called in sick more for my internship last semester and this semester than I have for my combined working career of 20 years. I have been working with my personal treatment team (my primary care doctor, therapist and psychiatrist) trying to figure out what's been going on here. I have had medication adjustments, got myself a zoomy new therapy light box, found out I have low vitamin D levels and started up therapy again now that I have insurance. This has been going on, now. for about 7 months. Where am I at today? I think I am sitting in an extremely long, drawn out pity party for myself, among other things. But, mainly, that. 

I make absolutely no secret about the fact that I am in recovery in every aspect of my life. At work, at school, at my internship, at home, among friends. I nearly killed myself and every relationship around me. I made a decision to get sober and managed to climb out of a very deep hole and get my life back. I am proud of that and it is part of who I am now. A few recent acquaintances asked me to share some of my testimony recently. I don't really find my story all that interesting, per se, so I decided that I would  I talk about the last few days leading up to treatment and the first day after I discharged from detox to treatment:

"I stepped onto the floor and was greeting by the peer leader. She showed me where we eat and where the laundry was. The whole time my lip was quivering and I was using every last bit of energy to fight  back a well of tears. Finally, the dam broke and I stood in the middle of the hallway crying with 3 people trying to reach in for a hug trying to comfort me at a very vulnerable moment. 
I was pulled out of the first group meeting and sat with an intake counselor who was helping me to develop a treatment plan. I told her that my aunt and uncle helped me remodel my condo to make it a better place for me to live and I screwed that up. I was given everything in this world - a loving family, education, intelligence - and look where I landed. I also had a good job and I was blowing it. I just basically suck....At this point, she turns to me and says 'Client uses 'self-pity' as a defense mechanism'. For some reason that stung me...."

As I was talking, I must have made some funny face or something because it was brought to my attention that my tone and facial expressions changed immediately after talking about the self-pity diagnosis.  In my mind at the time, I was right - I was given everything to succeed and I failed. I failed to care for many of the gift that were given to me. I had done some pretty shady things. However, like my friend Helen Keller is quoted above, it's a bad enemy for every reason. It belittles an experience. It reduces my role in the world. It minimizes any hope for the future.  Even though I know what self-pity can do on one or two levels, it's still a defense mechanism that tends to resurface at really inopportune times, like these past 6-7 months. 

Defense mechanisms  are just a habit used by me to protect me from what I don't want to deal with right now. As I started meeting with my therapist again, she noted a tremendous amount of anger in our first 10 minutes together. Nothing in particular, just everything, just life, I guess. When I met with her two weeks ago she was after me to talk about the termination of my relationship with ALBK that ended after 5 years. She believes this breakup to be the real source of my anger. I didn't have the opportunity to make the appropriate closure. There is some truth in that, however, I was the one that ultimately ended the relationship and I had been unhappy for a year or more. I stuck in the relationship because I thought maybe things would change if I waited a little longer. I also stuck around because I thought it was better than being along. Ironically, my life is virtually the same without the relationship because we were never able to see each other and I used to avoid his phone calls so I wouldn't have to talk with him. I went to all my functions and engagements alone then and now. I just don't have to make excuses for why he isn't there. Do I miss him? Yes, he was a good friend and he was part of the people who were part of me getting sober in the beginning. If he walked back in the door, would I take him back? I don't think so. There are some things in the world that are better as all or nothing. I can't handle a 20%-30% relationship. It actually makes me ache more for the 80-90% that isn't there.

Anyway, we talked this week. She asked me about a time when things felt good and happy for me. Not to say that there hasn't been great times between now and then, but the most recent time of consistent self-happiness was in February 2012. I was applying for grad school. I was sponsoring people. I was in DBT and using those skills. I was hopeful about starting a new path in my career. Most of all, I think I looked at myself as more of a "whole person" not just one thing. I had been trapped for many years in wrapping myself into the identity of being a nurse. Being a nurse was about the only thing I had left besides by family at the end of my drinking. I got feedback time and time again in treatment and in recovery that I needed to look at myself in other ways. That's not all that I am. I was encouraged to explore other things about me. In February 2012, I was a daughter, an aunt, a sister,  a woman, a sponsor, a woman in recovery, a future grad school student and a transplant nurse. I felt like I kinda had it all. I was more than one thing and I had my life spread all over the place so that various parts of my soul were being fed from every which way.

As I started school, I started narrowly focus my attention again. I had to sacrifice (for the greater good mind you) time with my family, my time with AA. I could no longer sponsor people because there are ethical issues there. I had given up possibly the best job I ever had for school. I have been tremendously disappointed by this experience in school and in my internships the last two semesters, I have started to have a crisis of faith if I made the right decision. Since January 2013, I have been triggered frequently by the class content and now I am very triggered by my internships. After being a successful nurse for the past 10 years, I feel like I am kind of a crappy intern. At least, that is what my self-pitied mind is framing this experience as at the moment. So my therapist asked me if I was starting to pigeon-hole myself into this one area as a gauge of my overall success in life. Yeah, maybe, kind of. 

Now, I don't like NOT being good at things. I have been relatively fortunate in my life that I can sit down and do most anything as far as jobs. I learn quickly, computers are super-duper for me and I am usually able to get along with co-workers very well. I picked up on nursing very quickly. My former boss at my current job made a comment to me at one point "yeah, well you walk on water around here...." Yeah, that was actually kind of true. I could do no wrong. I was the pinnacle of all there was on nights for abdominal transplant. Hey, who doesn't want to feel that way? Who doesn't want to feel so successful? What is the phrase that I am looking for? The higher up and the longer the fall down? Something like that, you get the point. 

When I first started my internships, I was really happy with my first placement. It wasn't very different from what I was already doing in my nursing. I felt helpful to the counselor because I was able to help her with the medical stuff. They were ready to offer me a job at the end of semester. Then, I became engaged in conflict at my next placement which ultimately led in my having to leave the school for the semester and terminating the internship. For the first time in my adult life, I felt mentally ill. I know that I suffer from mental illness but I have worked really hard to keep these symptoms under control because I just can't go back there. Well, my "questionable mental health" that caused me to withdraw made me feel broken. Now, every time I login to my school account, I get reminded that I had to leave that semester because it states permanently on my records "W" (Withdrawn). You know that show - Orange is the New Black? Well in my world - W is the new letter for F (Failure). I limped through the summer back at work after I withdrew. I struggled and I was thrown the highest level of negative feedback I have ever received in any job, ever. My motivation to go on was strictly driven by a need to make ends meet financially until I went back to school. Ultimately, I felt really rejected by a few co-workers who asked me to leave the group I had helped for the summer. My work ethic was questioned. The nurse in me was questioned and I never really got over that or beyond that.  A few people I thought were friends, were not. I had been betrayed and it just hurts.

I stated the next semester with a chip on my shoulder and a bad taste in my mouth. I wasn't really held accountable to anything. My internship was really casual. My job hours were very reduced. My classes were not my favorite and there was no real consequences if I didn't go. So I didn't. I used to pride myself on my work ethic and my ability to self-motivate. I lost that in the fall semester and I have yet to really regain it again. I had hoped with my new placement that I would be happier. Instead, I was incredibly intimidated by the clients, HORRIBLY insecure about myself, my skills and my abilities. Sadly, I am late to my internship nearly everyday I am there and the battle to get out of bed for it has become a significant chore. I just don't wanna go. I don't feel like I am very good at it. I tried to be on my best behavior and not engage in any conflict. I have been repeatedly in trouble for the most random things while my inability to show up on time is never an issue?!!?!? 

Just like of my last pity party, I am upset because of the following reasons:
1. I am not instantly good at what I am doing.
2. I have become hyper-aware of myself and cannot see past the bad
3. My work ethic is now what I had been accused of in the summer and that just makes me mad at myself
4. I have placed my entire sense of self-worth on something that takes years to master (counseling)
5. I have, again, lost my identity. Now I struggle to make the right decision (i.e. show up) and I am starting to see some old drinking behaviors and attitudes reemerging. I am attempting to do whatever I want to do while minimizing the consequences to myself. I am not taking ownership of my own behavior. I am stuck in a cycle of all-or-nothing/black and white thinking. 

My friend, KG and I were hanging out this last week. I mentioned to her that I was acting like an alcoholic, I just wasn't using at the moment. The above mentioned list is exactly what I look like when I am using. For those of you who had to field the "Julie Drunk Phone Calls" - does this sound familiar? It's all the stuff that I whined about when I was using. They were all the reasons I used as my excuses to drink.  "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me I guess I'll go eat worms...." I think that is my theme song for alcoholic Julie. Ironically I was holding a group about "Dry Drunks" today. I almost wanted to say, if I don't get back into my recovery life soon, you will have a dry drunk standing in front of you.


Lastly, on my tirade here, I have lost my sense of gratitude. This is the one component that I had ingrained in my recovery in February 2012. I was new enough in recovery to remember every last second of my drunkness. I was SOOOO grateful to just be different. In going around groups in the morning, I often ask people to name one thing they are grateful for today. When it came back to me I ended up staring at the ceiling thinking "well, I am pretty grateful that this damn internship is almost done...." and I actually said "I am grateful for...ummm....let's see....well....yeah the sun out...whatever."  What? I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful for these goofy kittens next to me. I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for this blog. I am grateful for another day of sobriety. I am grateful to have a flexible job. I am grateful that I am feeling financially secure right now. I am grateful for my niece and nephew. I am grateful for my loving friends. I am grateful for a nice place to live. While I have every right to be grateful to get done with school and my internship, I should NEVER EVER struggle with coming up with a list of 10 things in less than 30 seconds that I am grateful. I have life. I am sober. I am lucky. 


Ending on a serious note of gratitude....I am grateful that this experience with school is almost done. I can make it now. I know that I can. After writing this, actually, I feel 100x better. I need to reconnect with myself and my recovery again. I am pretty mad at myself right now. Maybe it is time to figure out that being mad at myself isn't really helping all that much. Maybe it is time to start my step 3 work - Make a decision to turn my will and life over to God as I understand Him. So, I will ask God to take the burdens of my heart tonight to make room for gratefulness to enter. I think I have crowded this heart with anger and resentments. I forgot to leave enough room for gratitude. Maybe this pity party is starting to come to end tonight.....

Peace!
Julie

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