And here we have it ladies and gentleman....another year older. Last year was a big birthday - the big ole 4-0. I had much more grace and strength coming into 40 than I did at 30. Maybe it's because I don't have a ton of time to worry about a number anymore. Maybe it's because doing life on life's terms is better than expecting/demanding everything I want. Maybe it's because being sober and being me is the best thing that ever happened to me.  I was pretty miserable at 30. Life was falling apart. At 41, life is stable.

My mom was kind enough to buy me a book that I requested for Christmas called "Writing the Damn Book". Oh, did my niece have fun reading that outloud to everyone after I opened it. I started and nearly finished this book on my vacation. It inspired me to buy a journal on the boat to start taking some notes. The author is kind of my spirit animal I think. She swears throughout the book and puts things down in a very simple manner. Some of the needed tasks of writing a book, I learned, are not super sexy, glamorous or even fun. But like some things in our lives, these tasks are necessary. The author really understood me. SO many ideas -- it's probably enough for 3 books. 

She talked about people who blog. When I started this blog, I remember feeling so free that I was finally able to tell a little bit of my story. I wanted other people to know that addiction is miserable and you can get help. I did have a lot of anger for that first year of sobriety not to mention shame which could have made an interesting blog but would not have done much in terms of promoting a life of recovery. It was year 2 of recovery that stands tall in my memory, more so than the first year. I finally came to this place of acceptance with about 30 different things that were bothering me. I was becoming free of my resentments. I was ready to take on the whole world. I started blogging at that point to offer a place to read about the craziness of addiction and the life of recovery. 

Year 2 had this huge momentum of growth. There is a Foo Fighters song called "Times Like These" and one of the lyric lines simply states: "It's times like these we learn to live again." I used to listen to that song obsessively when I got divorced. I really hadn't figure much out about how to live at that point. I still had another 3 years of hardcore drinking after that happened. After getting into recovery, I enjoyed this song even more because I really was learning to live again. I was excited about it. I was happy about it. I wanted to try to articulate to the world out there was it's like to be free from the chains of addiction. 

I turned 41 last Thursday (01/25). Normally I do not work on my birthday and haven't for the past 15 years. Well, since I had just spent a week on a boat and have no PTO, it was a little hard to justify taking a day off just because it's my birthday. It happened on a day that I counsel people at the local jail.  It's a wonder I never landed in jail with all of my shenanigans during my active addiction phase. There were some cathartic moments to be had as our group talked about aging, sobriety and the meaning of this life. They often ask me questions about recovery and if it's worth it. Why did I decide to change? How do I handle certain situations? Without asking directly, several of their questions really become: "Who am I without my drugs?"

It was hard at 30 to answer any questions about who I was anymore. I was so lost and so sick. I swam through dark waters trying to find any light. I knew there were things wrong about my life. I was just at loss on what to do about it. I really thought my divorce was going to change everything. Actually, my life got quite a bit worse after that. I thought that if I got a new car that would help. Not really, although it was nice to drive something so shiny and new. I thought that if I changed jobs, I would be happier. For about 10 minutes. One of my favorite sayings, "Everywhere you go, there you are!" Going from one facility to the next in nursing doesn't really change all that much. I thought a new relationship would solve all my problems. Nope. Just shy of my 34th birthday, I finally got it through my thick skull (it is medically verified that I have a very thick dura which covers the brain)......I had to get rid of addiction and alcohol for anything to get better.

Over the past couple of years, I have felt like I have lost my way a little bit. Recovery is still #1 priority; without recovery, I really can't do anything. In year 2, I heard my calling and jumped into action. Year 7....I hear the calling kind of. I am getting a lot of messages from up above that the future is sitting right in front of me. The only reason I am not there is because of me. I am being fearful instead of fearless. I am procrastinating instead of moving. I am distracting myself instead of focusing. Starting to read this book made that message very clear. Year 2 in recovery - I was fearless, energized and focused. That is what I am missing right now. There is no one to blame for that except for me.

Something happened during the years of 2013-2014. My energy faded. My confidence floundered. During 2013, I had attempted a medication change for my depression that was a total and complete disaster. There is probably a blog entry in the archives in May 2013 about it if you want the gory details of my mind without medications. I was doing really well up until that happened. The change was requested by me because I was paying over $300 a month for my medications straight out of pocket. There was a less expensive alternative and it didn't work at all. I feel like, in a way, I never really bounced back fully after that. My motivation and drive never really came back to the point of 2012. My monitoring program was over, my medication change was a disaster, I broke up with a long-term boyfriend after 5 years and I hated school. I was resentful, angry, undermedicated and most of all, wondering if I had made a huge mistake by going back to school to counsel other people. 

What I am hoping for, in terms of the year 2018, the 41st year of my life, is to find that motivation and drive again. A few things that I really need to focus on are my general health and diet. I also just need to start writing. I have something valuable to say. I want to revive my curiosity about the world and about personal growth. In the younger years of sobriety, I was so focused on getting my hands of every single last piece of information about anything. It was almost like being a child again. I am going to just go and do, and see what happens. In these later years, I have become a little more introverted in some ways and lost my drive and ambition. I am not finding that inner child-like curiosity and energy.

I am hoping that 41 is going to be the year I get my groove back. I need to tap into that creative energy and just go for it. I heard my message clear - get out of your own way. I think I am ready to do just that.

Love to all!
J

I was able to get something crossed off of my bucket list which was going on a cruise. I have been curious to go on one but have been reluctant to consider this type of trip based on the endless stories I hear of people getting wasted or referring to their trip as a "booze cruise". Even after 7+ years of recovery, I become tentative about putting myself in situations where drinking it the main theme. I lucked out tremendously when a friend who is also sober offered me the opportunity to go cruising with her. 

I struggle, still, with being around alcohol. I really wish I didn't. I really wish that I didn't still have a desire to drink. After getting home from a wonderful experience, I had one of the most vivid using dreams that I have ever had. The last using dream I had which incited the same level of panic was in my first year of recovery. During that time, I was under the supervision of my monitoring program. I had a dream that I was living in an old apartment of mine in St. Paul. I invited some friends from grade school over who did not know that I was in recovery. There was a party that ensued and I drank. I woke up with the taste of rum in my mouth and my forehead drenched in sweat. It was so real to me that I almost called my case worker to tell her that I relapsed back to alcohol. I can still recall almost every detail of that dream 6 years later which is pretty amazing since most days I can't find the keys to my car. 

When I talk to people about recovery and relapse, one tidbit of information that I focus upon: when a relapse happens, I will not go back to the beginning again. It's not a restart button. My physical tolerance to alcohol might go down a little but the behavior, agony and despair will pick up right where I left off, no matter how many years I have been abstinent. Likewise, the progression is faster. When I left off, I was suicidal, tormented, desperate and had only a semblance of a soul left. It would be hard to imagine how much worse it could get. However, there was further down to go: legal problems, jail losing my housing, losing my family, death etc. I didn't hit any of these "milestones" so to speak. There is further down to go which is one of my main motivators to keep me from going back.

In this most recent dream, I relapsed. Not only on alcohol  but in this dream I used cocaine. Even in my dream I told myself, "wow, this just got worse." I was crying and angry in my dream - not so much because I relapsed; more so because I wasn't happy. I decided in this dream to give it one more try. Let me be "part of the party" again. Let me have some fun. It's a pity party gone too far. Fortunately, this dream surfaced after I got home. It was pretty disturbing and I was feeling fortunate to be in my surroundings where I am happiest in my sobriety.

I wondered after the day got started after that dream if I was feeling this way throughout the trip. I wondered why such an intense using dream would come out right now. One of the biggest problems with my relationship with alcohol is that I don't hate it. I love it. I love it way too much. It's an abusive, horrible, annoying, awful relationship that I should have nothing to do with. Ever. Alas, there are times when a look back on that relationship and remember the good times. I remember the parties and the craziness. These thoughts are my first and major warning signals that I am dancing right towards a full blown relapse. So, I do what I need to do to take care of that. Much of that this weekend was looking at the amazing time I had while cruising as a sober person. I didn't need liquor to laugh or to have a good time. Even after all of these years, I have to still remind my brain that there is another way to do life. 

I did find myself getting annoyed with all the alcohol on board the ship. Apparently there are other cruise lines that have AA on board. I definitely would have gone. When I went out to California for a conference 2 years ago, there were AA meetings offered in the evening after all the presentations were done. I went 2 nights while I was there so that I could keep my feet to the fire about my sobriety. When I am around people drinking all of the time, I find myself getting edgy and annoyed. Part of me still has a pretty decent intolerance to people who can drink normally. I wrote an entire blog entry about this exact topic in my second year of recovery. If I remember correctly, it had to do with being jealous. It still does make me jealous. It's like sitting across from someone who is enjoying a relationship with my ex and having a great time. I remember my great times too and I want them back. In reality though, do I want them back? 


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Step 1 - We admit that we are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable
Once I start, I will not stop. I know that I have another drunk in me, just waiting for the right moment. Do I have another recovery in me? I am not sure. And, if I am not sure, it would be an awful test to try. When I am pining after alcohol, I have to remember the unmanageability of my own life. Remember almost losing your job? Remember that those times when you landed in detox? Remember all that money gone? Remember the path of devastation you left behind? 

Step 2 - Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
Remember that insanity piece? The trips to the psych ward? I had so much insane thinking and in this recovery I found a higher power to help pull me out of that hole I dug. I admitted I had a problem, in return I was given hope. If I go back, I will loss hope which really means another recovery will be very difficult to find.

Step 3 - Made a decision to our will and our lives over the God (as I understand) 
I spent the last 2 years focusing on my spiritual growth and my conscious contact with God as I understand Him. It becomes easier and easier to pass along my self-doubts, my self pity and any other sorts of static in my life over to God. Prior to getting into recovery, I was mad at God. Furious. If there was a God, why would He make a person suffer like this? Despite my love of alcohol, I need to always be in a place of acceptance that this relationship simply cannot continue. If this relationship continues, I lose it all. I have a choice - have alcohol and have nothing else OR no alcohol, I get life. Seems like it would a pretty easy choice, right? Annoyingly, addiction just doesn't work that way all the time. What is important to know, however, is that each day, I give this relationship over to God. If God wants me to drink, He will open the path to do so. If He doesn't want to me to drink, I will have enough strength, energy, belief and hope to make the best decisions I can to keep my life on track. Every day I wake up, this is what I need to do.

This cruise was both eye opening and super fun. To see different people, places and things in total clarity and focus is what I desired so badly when I was drunk. When I talk to clients about using dreams, I will say my opinion......when I am doing everything right for my recovery that day, addiction's last stand is in my dreams. This is not a clinical thing - just what I think. I had all of these positive experiences and didn't drink once. Addiction was mad. I was around all sorts of alcohol with opportunities to use. I was likely triggered and used my recovery knowledge to do what I needed to be sober for each day of the cruise. Addiction was waiting, doing push-up, ready to pounce on any vulnerability. I didn't get addiction a good shot at relapse during that trip or since my return. 

I am excited to have had this experience. I learn something new every day about myself and this thing called recovery. Some days are easier than others. Today I was back teaching and had this wonderful class of engaged and eager students. I was teaching them to read blood pressure and how to find pulses. This opportunity along with all sorts of other is why I need to be sober. I don't get these thing when I am drunk. I made my decision today to be sober. I will look forward to tomorrow and do my very best to make the right decision again.

Julie