I have had to neglect my blog some just because of school.  I have been missing it! However,  I am so glad that I opted to take the full time in school option. I am having a total blast. My mind is in overdrive with all the information they are able to throw in our direction on a daily basis. I also did negotiate to stay on at work at least for 4 or so months twice a week. Oddly, this will probably give me enough money to pay my employer for my health insurance. I am cool with that since it is less money I have to take out in loans.

Anywho, I drive for about 45min-1 hour back and forth to school. The road gives me all sorts of good time to think about things, usually what the day ahead is going to bring or how far behind I already am with my reading for school! After I wrote my last entry, I still keep thinking about how to tease out justifying versus denial. I kept thinking, well if I am justifying something to someone, I know deep down it is something that is not true and I say what I say trying to convince others and myself too that I really want to do what I am doing. I felt though, in some way, when I was denying things, I was doing exactly the same thing. Maybe the knowledge of the problem was not as strong as when I am justifying but in the specific situation of my drinking, I think I knew there had always been a problem, I knew there was a current problem but yet I denied a problem.

I thought back to when I went to annual physical/medical appointments. For about 2 weeks leading up to appointments, I would be so anxious and nervous. I would start talking a mile a minute about how I had to change my life and stop doing this or that. I was afraid the doctor might figure out my drinking, or even worse, when they did my lab work, they would find that I had liver problems, etc. Then, I would get my labs, make it through the appointment, get a clean bill of health and move on for the year, not changing ANYTHING about what I was doing. This cycle repeated for about 10 years. I could just keep drinking because I wasn't having any side effects! Yeah! Maybe it isn't a problem after all (denial yes....justifying yes....)

The working nights thing was sort of the same. I knew I had recommendation not to do that but I really liked my job. I personally didn't feel like I was having any issues with it until the school schedule started. That was my own fault for having taken on so much. However, I was just noticing that it was getting harder and harder to feel rested. Again, I was in the stubborn corner of not wanting to change what I was doing because I felt like it was fine while I have just about the rest of the world telling me "hey, FROM EXPERIENCE, it's not a a good idea." Now that I am on an official day schedule, I have sure noticed the difference of not flipping my sleep schedule all around. My body is still a bit in adjustment mode. When I go to sleep at night, I get up for a few minutes every 2 hours or so. I think my body feels like I was just taking a nap....

All those trips back and forth to school and I still wasn't able to come up with too much new information about how to tease out justifying and denial. Throughout my nursing career, I have seen a ton of both and if I remember correctly, I think I used justifying and denial almost interchangeably. The two concepts are on different areas on the spectrum. It's just hard to assign my behavior or analyze my case studies in school to one or the other. I didn't really know it could get so convoluted but it does. I suppose that is true of addiction and it's process in the individual and the family/social group. Nothing is ever cut and dry in this field! Or with me for that matter.....ha!

2013 is already whipping by at frantic pace. It's probably the pace that I function at best. I tend to stay more organized when there are some deadlines looming. Procrastination is an art and I am one of the masters :) I have to stop "denying" that my home work is going to do itself and quite "justifying" the other 10 things I want to do versus the 2 things I need to do. Hmmm....never ever black and white.

Peace out