Last night, I read the horoscope for today. It told me that as I lay this year to rest, I will need to make some personal changes in 2015. The most important thing I will need to focus on right now is believing that I can change. Something about that really struck me as I am reflecting on the past year. 

2014 was a very intense year giving me some of the most incredible experiences along with some real difficulties as well. I started the year out with a trip to Honduras. And more than the trip, I met some incredible people who introduced me so some things in my life that enhanced my spiritual journey which has been going on for some time. I believe this year has been the strong year of growth in spirituality which has helped me tremendously to lean on my 3rd step. "Let go, let God." Simple enough. Hardest step ever.....mainly because it needs to be done several times a day and it's hard to give up control. However, this year, I have learned to ask God for help. I have made progress in the area of listening. I have had more prayers answered this year than I could ever image.

I graduated from my master's program with my family by my side. I also won the writing award which was probably my favorite thing all year. It meant a tremendous amount to me to recognized for something I love to do. Shortly after graduation, I got my license for drug and alcohol counseling. All exciting for sure!

As I was finishing school and getting into my first job, I was really struggling. I still can't quite pinpoint exactly what the issue was, but I feel like I failed to engage in a way that was acceptable to me. I struggled to maintain my commitments. I struggled with attending work when I knew there was nothing to do. I hate being bored and I took it out on the jobs. I fulfilled the bare minimum but I am usually a person that loves to above and beyond. Because I was acting this way and not engaging, I started to wonder if I had taken the right path. I started to think I was more committed to my jobs when I was drinking. I, at least, showed up more consistently. I went to work everyday regardless of how horrible I felt. I started to forget that, although I went to work that way, I wasn't particularly functional so.....maybe I wasn't much better. 

At the end of this year, I was feeling very much in a rut. I had one of the most incredible experiences with doing my TEDx Talk (I am still waiting on the video and will post as soon as I have it). I saw a glimpse of what I wanted to do and started to have that internal fire that pushes me to get out of bed in the morning. I felt that I was missing that internal motivation for the entire year 2014. Nothing was really getting me out of bed in the morning. I think with all the excitement of the TEDx stuff, I was feeling especially let down when I came back and my job was a disaster. I wasn't doing anything I was excited about. I returned back to my old nursing job and found myself even lower. Not because I felt like I was a failure for returning, but because I wasn't sure that there was anything out there that would ever satisfy my desires. 

This last month, I was offered what I was looking for and I have been greatly anticipating my start date. I am a bit nervous because I don't want to bring some of the bad habits from 2014 into 2015. I thought it might be a good idea to outline some changes that I would like to make. And....my horoscope was right. These are going to be changes that require some hard work but they will be beyond worth it. At the foundation of it all, though, I need to start with the simple idea: "I can change." Somehow, this year, I lost my ability to see that I can change. I started getting stuck in a rut and simply brushing off that I couldn't do any better. I was basically giving myself the message that I can't and therefore I won't. 

When I started with my recovery journey, I did not believe I was capable of change. What was I ever going to do without alcohol? What was I going to do every night? How was I going to celebrate? How was I going to cope? How was I going to sleep? I was given the gift of external motivation and I leaned heavily on that as the source of my change. My therapist told me I was a master at practicing adaptive denial. It's not a bad thing. It's basically handing over the credit to something outside of me instead of recognizing that I am actually the one changing. As an example: "I can't drink today because I might get called in for a UA." Well actually, I am choosing not to drink today. It's not that I "can't" drink, I can, I just would have consequences that I don't like. Blame it on the UA if you want! But it's still me that made a choice that I wasn't willing to deal with the potential consequences of my choice. 

I kept thinking this whole year that I needed to have some external motivation to get myself moving. I needed to get in trouble or something to keep me motivated. Interestingly, what kept me motivating me to go to work even though I was hung over all the time is what people thought of me. I heard how people complained when others called in sick. I can't have people not like me, so I will go. I started convincing myself I needed something like that to keep me on track. Ironically, I have spent the last 3 years learning to not care what other's think. I need to do things that satisfy my morals and values. The problem being is that I was living outside of the morals and values that I have for myself. It was getting stressful.

As 2015 starts, I need to make some big chances -- diet, exercise, stop smoking. I would also like to spend time and write a book. I am lacking in energy these days so the book limps forward. I have gained an unfortunate amount of weight which promotes the lack of energy. I am also not very happy with myself in this department which affects everything around me - relationships, self-esteem, etc. In order to get everything back into center again, it is going to take some significant, consistent changes. I fear that I won't be able to sustain change for the long haul. So, I am looking through my options to make sure that I engage in slower, less intense changes so I don't burn out too quickly. It is going to take me to build structure and to not give up at the first sign of diversion. I give up on some things very easily because it is hard. I usually look for the easier, softer way. If I have learned anything from my recovery, it is that the easier, softer way rarely breeds long-term change. 

I have big hopes for 2015. I will be starting the year with a great job. I have been itching for some change and if all goes well with the job, I will be planning a move. I believe that I need that change right now. I love where I live and my location is great. However, I still feel some itch to change some things in my life. Environment makes a big difference for me. I made the decision to foreclose on my condo because I had to get out of that environment. I did my hardcore drinking at condo and I couldn't see any possible way to change in that environment. I guess, mentally, I associate my living environment with my success to change. I made great changes when I first moved here. I think what lingers here is my old relationship. Although that ended over a year ago, I have many fond memories from that time here. It feels lonely here now. I feel like an environmental change might afford the opportunity to expand and meet new people. Maybe things have become too predictable here. 

On this New Year's Eve, I am contemplating the best way to make slow and deliberate changes for the long haul. I appreciate the message of my horoscope because I think it will be foundation of it all. First, I have to believe that I can change. I think that is the perfect place to start.

Wishing everyone a fabulous New Year!! -- Welcome 2015!

J

If you ever watch a program on the subject, you will constantly hear...."the death throes of a large star will result in a black hole". I just love the term "death throes" because it is a quick and violent process that leads to the creation of something that only existed in theory not too long ago. Now it is something scientist believe helped to form the galaxy we reside in. Black holes are deadly but serve this enormous purpose in our universe.

As I was watching the 3,000th episode on PBS about black holes today, I was thinking about a situation I have seen with addicts who are nearing their bottom. In my mind, I call it the "death throes of addiction". With a star, the core converts to iron which stops the fusion process. The star, then collapses upon itself under intense weight of its own gravity. The gravity is absolute and creates an object so dense, light cannot even escape. Hence, black hole. It warps the space-time continuum. To me, this kind of describes the process right before people get into treatment and/or recovery.

Fusion and gravity are in constant battle with each other and this star exists based on the two forces pushing against each other. Fusion pushing out, gravity pushing in. Eventually something has to give and gravity tends to be the universal winner in this battle. Addiction sort of plays out in the same way. In an addict's life, addiction is one of the forces in life. It is pushing hard and serving a purpose to some degree. Other things in life retain enough strength to keep life intact. But, eventually, at some point, that balance become distorted and addiction will eat up everything and eventually destroy everything else. Addiction will create it's own black hole in the person's life. I remember describing to someone, years ago, what my life looked like right before I started my journey of recovery. "Dark, it was always dark." When I look back at that time, I can only see darkness. All my memories are from the night, dark outside, dark inside. No light ever seemed to escape. I was unable to let anyone in and I certainly wasn't going to let anything out about my situation. It's dark and lonely place to be. 

Eventually, I started losing my health, started to lose the little sanity I had left and then my employment was going to be threatened. These were the remaining things in my life that were preventing me from a full collapse into a black hole, as it were. Addiction was about to swallow me whole and I might have hit the point of no return. For many of my fellow addicts and alcoholics, the point of no return is death. Death by our own hand or from complications of our drugs. We are losing too many people to the black hole of addiction. Addiction eats up our lives and, much like a black hole, eats of everything around us too - relationships, jobs, housing, abilities to function, etc. 

In the minutes before a black hole is created, there is a huge explosion. In that explosion, there is not much left except for this black hole. That explosion reminds me of my treatments, etc. before I finally got sober. I was kicking and bucking and wanting things to go back to how they were before anyone knew the problem. I wanted to go back to the star when things were enough in balance that my life existed. The problem was, I was far past that point. I was living in the past, far enough that I was not focusing on how bad things had becomein the present. Basically, I was worse off than I gave due credit to. I was convincing myself that I could back to regular drinking - I would just stop doing the stupid stuff that was getting me in trouble. I would somehow try to get the forces back to make my star/life active again. But, much like an exploding star, there is so going back. What's done is done. 

A professor at my grad school once said "if treatment does one thing, it ruins your drinking." He was totally right on the money with that statement. My drinking had be ruined after that first stint in rehab. When I did relapse, I didn't enjoy it anymore. The guilt was overwhelming. I hated the fact that there were people I couldn't talk to if they knew I was drinking again. Because of the education I received, it ruined my experience of drinking now. I knew about the dangers. I knew what relapse meant. I had been introduced to the community of people who could help me stop and I just basically gave them the finger and went for the bottle. When I think of the term "death throes", this is what I think of. That time between admitting there is a problems to actually embracing the idea of getting sober. There is still the pull and tug going on, but it is going to be a huge explosion at some point, it's just a matter of time. 

I have watched many of my fellow addicts go through this process. I pulled together 1 month here, 3 months there, but I was never really committed to the process of actually staying sober. Not everyone has to hit a dramatic bottom, but there is something that we have to hit in order to make a decision to live a life without drugs or alcohol. For some, it's losing a child, losing a job, losing relationship. For others, it's having no where else to go. For me, it was the threat of losing my nursing license. Whatever it is, it's something we needed to have happen in order to move forward with recovery. I like to think that I will always have the little black hole, known to me as addiction, in my life. However, that very dangerous, deadly thing also has the power to create. When I look at pictures from the Hubble Telescope, I see these tremendously beautiful clusters of stars revolving around a black hole. Scientists believe that almost every galaxy houses a black hole at the center. There is a purpose for these dangerous beasts, much like I believe addiction serves a purpose in my life now. 

I was an isolated star, being pulled and pushed at the same time. Addiction won out. I had an explosion happen in my life. Now the power of the addiction is being turned into the creation of something really beautiful. In my galaxy of my life, I have my recovery community, my friends, my job and a future. I must be on guard that my black hole could grow at anytime and swallow up everything that is now housed in my galaxy of life. I hear stories of other who are in the death throes of addiction. The cat is out of the bag now, addiction is trying to continue to pry the remains that are left of life. It is probably the toughest time in addiction. Once we know what addiction is and how it works, it is hard to go back to using with that knowledge. All of the lies we told ourselves to justify what we are doing are basically proved wrong. We have that information now, but our addictions will literally attempt to convince us otherwise. 

Anyway, this was my attempt to draw that parallel. Not sure if it makes a great deal of sense, but it does to me. Tonight, I am saying a prayer for all of my brothers and sisters who are suffering from active addiction. This time of year is hard of many people, sober or not. Depression can run deeply at this time of year. I know the temptations of wanting to use or looking for someway to deal with the pain. I can only recommend reaching out.

Peave

My emotions have been up and down, left and right. I have gone from looking at starting a private consulting business, to returning to get my PhD, bailing on the field completely and returning to nursing. While I still plan to pursue the independent consulting practice and possibly a PhD down the line, I believe I was moving forward prematurely with these ideas because of an impending sense of desperation to get to where I want to be in the field. I want to be an educator, a teacher or something along these lines. While I do that in direct counseling, the 100% counseling gig made me feel overwhelmed and unhappy. 

The departure from my last two positions were swift and without much notice. There were certainly justifiable reasons for that which I will not talk about specifically here. I am, however, not particularly proud of how I have been handling the confrontation that needed to happen in both circumstances. I took the easy way out by leaving and leaving quickly. It was starting to make me wonder if there was even a future in this field for me. Deep down, I felt it, especially after that TEDx talk. I know that is what I was meant to do. But I was lost at how to get there.

Shortly after I started my last position, I started the job search immediately. Again, without specifics here, it was a bad fit and I knew it right from the beginning. I did a little soul searching and thought about my options. School, going into business for myself, finishing the mental health, going back to nursing and also widening my job search to other states. I started applying for nursing positions and really didn't get any bites, most likely because I have been out of direct care nursing for a long time now. In all reality, it wasn't anything that I was totally excited about going back to. When I started my masters program, I had entertained the idea of letting my nursing license lapse. THANK GOD, I didn't. An old high school friend actually told me I really shouldn't do that. It saves his butt and it could save mine too. Boy, was he ever right. Thanks, Michael. 

I took the GREs for a doctoral program, filled out the applications. I got my three potential references contacted. The more effort I put into it, though, the less excited I was about it. How much have I talked about being burned out from school? A Lot. A Lot. Living the poor student life for another 4-5 years and attending school full time was getting harder and harder to swallow. Ironically, the deadline was this last Monday for both programs I was pursuing and none of my references submitted their references. I didn't follow up and the schools and I hadn't chatted about the fact that they were not received until after the deadline. So, I guess that is kind of out of the running, although there is one program that I am still looking into which would not require relocation. More to come on that.....

Obviously, I returned to my nursing job and my boss was willing to put a full time offer on the table that would reinstate me to a position of being benefit eligible again. I was giving great thought to that. I know the place, I know the job and I would have the benefits again that I really liked there. But, even 5 days into being back, I realized quickly where my passion was. I could hear the disappointment in my voice when people asked why I was back. "Well, the LADC world has been very tough on me....I am just here until I figure out what to do next." When I accepted a full time position back, it was always understood that I would be pursuing other work. I would commit month-by-month until I decided what to do next. 

Up until yesterday, I was starting to get concerned about this job stuff. I had an excellent interview with a place in WI back in November. I had applied in October. I was selected for an interview. When I got there, I re-read the job description again. I lit up - "yes! This is the job I wanted". It was part community educator, part counselor. I read through all that they wanted with regards to experience and my heart sank. I wasn't really qualified other than I had a masters. I am too young of a counselor I thought. The interview went fairly well and they were giving me information about the rest of the interview process and asked when I could start if I were offered the position. I kinda figured they would not do that if they were truly not interested. 

Right after this interview, I left my other position, not because I thought I would get this one, but because my nursing boss was willing to take me back whenever I wanted to. I decided at that moment, I wanted to come back now. The following week, I got an email that I was 1 of the 2 people selected to come back to do a second interview with the team members I would be working with if I got the job. I liked these guys. "Sober for 30 years, been in the field for 26...." AA guys, health realization guys. They were a little sarcastic which is more than a perfect fit for me. They asked me if I liked public speaking and I told them about the TEDx talk. One of them flipped out "OH I LOVE THOSE THINGS...." I explained what I talked about. We did some bs-ing about the state of treatment, the challenges of outpatient treatment. It was a very unforced, fluid conversation. One my way out, they told me "you will hear from us next week."

Well, next week came and went. It was a holiday week so I was keeping that in mind. I checked with my references and no one had contacted them. Feeling discouraged, I started applying around again and looking back into school. I was contacted for two more potential interviews. I wasn't really feeling it with either of them. I suspect in one position I would burn out in 6 months to a year and the other position was considering me for a director's position of a detox center. While I was honored to be considered for that, I am not, in any way, prepared for a position like that. I haven't supervised people in that capacity before. I have never managed anything quite that big. I wrote that person back with the plus and minuses of considering me (great education, nursing background, masters degree -- no experience at that level, would require mentoring and direction....). I didn't hear back again. 

So, on Wednesday, I just needed to know whether the WI position was still in the running before I made my next move. I found the email address for the HR contact I had. I sent the email out at 7:57pm. At 8:00pm, I had a call from a WI area code on my cell. I didn't recognized the number so I didn't pick up. It was the HR contact arranging a time to talk at 8:00am Thursday morning "to talk". I figured that couldn't be bad thing right?

So, at 8:15am, I was offered what I think is the dream job I was hoping for. I accepted on the spot. There would be no "thinking" about it for me. I could hardly believe I got the first interview. I was SHOCKED when I got the second interview and nearly passed out when I was notified that I got the job. We negotiated my start date which will be on January 5th, 2015. I will be starting off the new year with a brand new job. A few months into 2015, I will be relocating to be closer to the job. I love where I live now and the commute isn't "that bad" in terms of distance; however. I have been really spoiled by close commutes. The job is 17 miles from the MN border. I am looking to my housing options at this point. I could stay in MN or move into WI. Depending on what the housing situation looks like when my lease is up, I will have to defer that decision for now. 

I am really hoping that this position starts off some new and positive changes for me. I had been wondering if a change would be something good for me. If I were to stay at the U and continue to live where I am, would I just remain complacent and not strive for anything more? You know, the bills are taken care of, I know the job, I have great friends there. But, I know myself well enough that the restlessness would start to eat at me if I didn't get back into the field I spent the last two years studying about. 

So, I guess this is my super long way of announcing that I got a new job. A job that I am very excited about!

Lot of love,

J