Believe

I have always enjoyed reading my horoscope whatever the source. I never really think that it is going to predict anything but I do find some reasonable advice from time to time. So, of course I have an app on my phone and get one delivered everyday. For the past few days, the horoscopes that have come across are quite perfect for me. They are talking about big changes coming in the year ahead. I am not to expect that these will be easy changes, but they will be changes that promote a better quality of life. 

Last night, I read the horoscope for today. It told me that as I lay this year to rest, I will need to make some personal changes in 2015. The most important thing I will need to focus on right now is believing that I can change. Something about that really struck me as I am reflecting on the past year. 

2014 was a very intense year giving me some of the most incredible experiences along with some real difficulties as well. I started the year out with a trip to Honduras. And more than the trip, I met some incredible people who introduced me so some things in my life that enhanced my spiritual journey which has been going on for some time. I believe this year has been the strong year of growth in spirituality which has helped me tremendously to lean on my 3rd step. "Let go, let God." Simple enough. Hardest step ever.....mainly because it needs to be done several times a day and it's hard to give up control. However, this year, I have learned to ask God for help. I have made progress in the area of listening. I have had more prayers answered this year than I could ever image.

I graduated from my master's program with my family by my side. I also won the writing award which was probably my favorite thing all year. It meant a tremendous amount to me to recognized for something I love to do. Shortly after graduation, I got my license for drug and alcohol counseling. All exciting for sure!

As I was finishing school and getting into my first job, I was really struggling. I still can't quite pinpoint exactly what the issue was, but I feel like I failed to engage in a way that was acceptable to me. I struggled to maintain my commitments. I struggled with attending work when I knew there was nothing to do. I hate being bored and I took it out on the jobs. I fulfilled the bare minimum but I am usually a person that loves to above and beyond. Because I was acting this way and not engaging, I started to wonder if I had taken the right path. I started to think I was more committed to my jobs when I was drinking. I, at least, showed up more consistently. I went to work everyday regardless of how horrible I felt. I started to forget that, although I went to work that way, I wasn't particularly functional so.....maybe I wasn't much better. 

At the end of this year, I was feeling very much in a rut. I had one of the most incredible experiences with doing my TEDx Talk (I am still waiting on the video and will post as soon as I have it). I saw a glimpse of what I wanted to do and started to have that internal fire that pushes me to get out of bed in the morning. I felt that I was missing that internal motivation for the entire year 2014. Nothing was really getting me out of bed in the morning. I think with all the excitement of the TEDx stuff, I was feeling especially let down when I came back and my job was a disaster. I wasn't doing anything I was excited about. I returned back to my old nursing job and found myself even lower. Not because I felt like I was a failure for returning, but because I wasn't sure that there was anything out there that would ever satisfy my desires. 

This last month, I was offered what I was looking for and I have been greatly anticipating my start date. I am a bit nervous because I don't want to bring some of the bad habits from 2014 into 2015. I thought it might be a good idea to outline some changes that I would like to make. And....my horoscope was right. These are going to be changes that require some hard work but they will be beyond worth it. At the foundation of it all, though, I need to start with the simple idea: "I can change." Somehow, this year, I lost my ability to see that I can change. I started getting stuck in a rut and simply brushing off that I couldn't do any better. I was basically giving myself the message that I can't and therefore I won't. 

When I started with my recovery journey, I did not believe I was capable of change. What was I ever going to do without alcohol? What was I going to do every night? How was I going to celebrate? How was I going to cope? How was I going to sleep? I was given the gift of external motivation and I leaned heavily on that as the source of my change. My therapist told me I was a master at practicing adaptive denial. It's not a bad thing. It's basically handing over the credit to something outside of me instead of recognizing that I am actually the one changing. As an example: "I can't drink today because I might get called in for a UA." Well actually, I am choosing not to drink today. It's not that I "can't" drink, I can, I just would have consequences that I don't like. Blame it on the UA if you want! But it's still me that made a choice that I wasn't willing to deal with the potential consequences of my choice. 

I kept thinking this whole year that I needed to have some external motivation to get myself moving. I needed to get in trouble or something to keep me motivated. Interestingly, what kept me motivating me to go to work even though I was hung over all the time is what people thought of me. I heard how people complained when others called in sick. I can't have people not like me, so I will go. I started convincing myself I needed something like that to keep me on track. Ironically, I have spent the last 3 years learning to not care what other's think. I need to do things that satisfy my morals and values. The problem being is that I was living outside of the morals and values that I have for myself. It was getting stressful.

As 2015 starts, I need to make some big chances -- diet, exercise, stop smoking. I would also like to spend time and write a book. I am lacking in energy these days so the book limps forward. I have gained an unfortunate amount of weight which promotes the lack of energy. I am also not very happy with myself in this department which affects everything around me - relationships, self-esteem, etc. In order to get everything back into center again, it is going to take some significant, consistent changes. I fear that I won't be able to sustain change for the long haul. So, I am looking through my options to make sure that I engage in slower, less intense changes so I don't burn out too quickly. It is going to take me to build structure and to not give up at the first sign of diversion. I give up on some things very easily because it is hard. I usually look for the easier, softer way. If I have learned anything from my recovery, it is that the easier, softer way rarely breeds long-term change. 

I have big hopes for 2015. I will be starting the year with a great job. I have been itching for some change and if all goes well with the job, I will be planning a move. I believe that I need that change right now. I love where I live and my location is great. However, I still feel some itch to change some things in my life. Environment makes a big difference for me. I made the decision to foreclose on my condo because I had to get out of that environment. I did my hardcore drinking at condo and I couldn't see any possible way to change in that environment. I guess, mentally, I associate my living environment with my success to change. I made great changes when I first moved here. I think what lingers here is my old relationship. Although that ended over a year ago, I have many fond memories from that time here. It feels lonely here now. I feel like an environmental change might afford the opportunity to expand and meet new people. Maybe things have become too predictable here. 

On this New Year's Eve, I am contemplating the best way to make slow and deliberate changes for the long haul. I appreciate the message of my horoscope because I think it will be foundation of it all. First, I have to believe that I can change. I think that is the perfect place to start.

Wishing everyone a fabulous New Year!! -- Welcome 2015!

J

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