nI had the honor of meeting another woman in recovery through a mutual contact not too long ago. She is so very kind and texts a motivational saying to a group of women in recovery. This one came across my phone a little while back and it got me thinking. I completely agree, I was not created to suffer. What defines victory? How do I define worth or quality of life?

Being a nurse for as long as I have been, I have thrown around the concept of "quality of life." When I worked in hospice, my "job" as it were was to create comfort and dignity in the final months, days and hours of someone's life. My goal was for them to be at peace, free of pain. I took great pride in my work in that area. The hard part, though, is when I was working in that area of medicine, I was honestly feeling jealous of my patients. Deep down as the darkness of addiction grew in my life, I was battling to find any hope of getting away from it. I had determined at that time that there was no way. I was dying too. I wanted the same dignity I was trying to provide to my patients. I was also suffering from a lot of suicidal ideation (think about dying but not actually planning to act on those thoughts) at that time. I wanted life to end especially in the way that I was experiencing it.

It is clear that my quality of life was totally diminished during my active addiction years. The quality of my life has increased exponentially since getting sober. What I have learned about myself these days is that I need to be on the constant path of something new to remain excited about life. I was excited about recovery for about 2 years. I was then super excited about getting my masters degree and spread recovery across the land. I was then excited about my TedX talk. Then I was excited about my new job. That was four years ago. 

There is a distinct difference, for me anyway, between depression and feeling lost. I quit drinking 3155 days ago today. In those 3155 days, I have learned more about myself than I ever could have dreamed. I knew that I was capable of certain things. I had the opportunity to many things that I never could have done without being sober. I am a pretty awesome aunt and I would have so many regrets if I didn't have each and every memory of them I do today because of being sober. I also learned, partially, about what makes me tick. I have a longing and a yearning always inside my heart. What's next? Should I be doing something different? What's the purpose in all of this?

I am a huge purpose person. The darkness of my years in active addiction HAD to have some purpose to me. If I couldn't "do" something with those experiences, I don't think I could survive. Those years were painful. The loneliness and emptiness I felt in those years can not be adequately explained by the vocabulary I currently have. What I do know now is that every time I talk about recovery, the recovery skills I know and what I experienced in those years helps someone else. That experience allowed me to connect with others. I especially felt this when I was working with the women at the jail. I feel their pain, I know their pain. I can offer maybe a glimmer of hope that something different is possible. 

So, as I sought purpose in my early recovery years, I went right where a lot of people end up: Substance Abuse Counselors. At the time, I was apply around for several different masters program. I actually studied and took the GRE. I started studying for the GMAT. I found programs in business and health administration that didn't require those tests. I went to open houses. When it came to the actual applications for MBA programs, MPH programs and MS programs, I just could not answer the question about why I was thinking about going into this field. Money I guess. More employment opportunities. I could move up into the world of supervision, administration, etc. The essays did not feel authentic. Well, when it came to answering the question about why I was applying to do a masters program in addictions counseling, I filled up 2 pages before I even noticed that I was well beyond the word limit of the essay.

I reflect on this decision now and I understand why I did what I did. I was finding purpose. It felt like a calling. Now, I am still feeling a calling. I just cannot quite figure out what the next step. I have looked at PhD programs and know that more schooling is not the right thing. I am still tired from school from the last round and that was five years ago. I tend to live for "the next big thing". That part of me has not been satisfied for quite some time. I still haven't figured out what I need to quiet that down. I did start teaching and was able to teach for several semester before the school shut down which was heartbreaking. Teaching felt very natural and again, all of those years of going through hell to be the nurse I am today served a purpose. I was quite sad when the school closed as I don't see that opportunity coming around again any time soon.

I still work transplant nursing. Quite honestly, I love it. I just cannot do it full time because it is physically and emotionally exhausting. The types of shifts we work are 12, 24 or 48 hour shifts. If it's a busy day - NO SLEEP! I am no longer able to bounce back from that like I did in my early 30s. So, I take a shift every so often to keep my thrill seeking side quiet. I get a rush from doing the job so that serves as a victory in my life. In the past year, it became also the spot I liked to return to because I felt competent. I am responsible for a lot and I clearly know my stuff. I work well with the  staff and there is a ton of mutual respect. In fact, I talked with them about coming back full time while I was interviewing around. I opted not to go that route although several of my team members were excited about the idea.

So, back to the original thought behind this post. What is victory/purpose in my life? There is so much in my life that is amazing. I have a great family. I have a great job with great benefits. I have a part-time job that satisfied a part of my soul that was often a dangerous part of me when I was active with addiction. What is my life missing that keeps me so restless about the next thing? I wonder at times if I am not living in the moment and really grasping the full extent of how my needs already being met. I believe this to be the next phase of my recovery. What is the purpose going forward? Part of the answer that comes to mind is leaving the field of counseling. It's an idea that I have toyed with from the first job I got in the field. Honestly? I told myself if it didn't work on where I currently am, I would leave the field. This is about as good as it ever is going to get so if I don't like it here, I don't like working in the field. 

Part of me think that I am seeking my victory/purpose/worth in the wrong spot. Why does it have to be related to my career? I had always been obsessed with my career. Even at my 5 year reunion from high school, I made myself sound very important when I was working for a telecommunications company. "I am a logistics coordinator." Basically I sat around and earned too much money to do very little work. In hindsight, I had it pretty good but I was more concerned about the title and portraying I had power there. I have been down this rabbit hole before and I never did find what I was looking for. I get an instant nod of respect from people when I say I am a nurse. I get some kudos for working in the field of substance abuse. People respect the patience and empathy we show to clients that can be hard to work with because of what they are experiencing. I have had a lot of success in my career and something remains missing.

That leaves my personal life. I am generally pretty happy in my personal life. I know tons of wonderful people and am very busy keeping up with all those amazing people in my life. My favorite thing is taking my niece and nephew out to explore the world. I do get great satisfaction when I am crafting with my niece or watching the excitement when my nephew is doing something with Minecraft. For the past 2 years, I have been crowding my personal life with more work and that did not seem to quiet down the restlessness. I hope to be able to use some recovery principles to be able to identify what I am missing in my life. Writing and speaking are areas that have fallen to the side. Now that I am back to just 2 jobs, I hope to reconnect with these more to see what I am might be missing.

Peace!
J

pFear has played a bizarre role in my life. As I was talking with a friend today, I am conflicted about the nature of its role. On one hand, fear serves a purpose. On the basic level of life, fear is there to help us identify when a situation is dangerous and when to get out. I would have to argue that is a pretty good instinct to have as it has kept us alive for several thousand years. Fear is a natural part of life; however, my struggle is when fear turns to anxiety.

"Fight or Flight" has mainly what this instinct is referred to. In the past few years, "freeze" has been added. "Fight, Flight or Freeze" does seem more accurate to me. Adding "freeze" offers a little insight to what it is like to have anxiety. If I am anxious about being wrong, I will engage in the fight. That is when I usually get into the most trouble with my mouth. I will fight to the death even if I no longer believe in my own stance since being right is apparently very important to me. The flight response is most commonly experienced for me when someone says "we need to talk." Oh my word, I hate running, but I am fast as the breeze. I will run, hide and avoid to the ends of the earth. The fear of the worse keeps me from facing potentially difficult conversations. Freeze is how I would say I feel when I am in a panic about what to do. I freeze, become speechless and wait for flight or fight to kick in. 

When I was contemplating the idea of getting sober, I can tell you the number one reason I didn't want to change was the fear of what life was going to be like without alcohol. I was terrified I would be alone. I was fearful that my family would be terribly disappointed in me. I was very fearful of actually saying "I am an alcoholic". I mean, do you know what that means? It means I am weak, I lost control, I can figure out how to live. I may actually have to confront my feelings and deal with life. So, in 2009, I decided I was OK to continue on like I had been. I mean, after all, was it really so bad?

The nursing work that I was doing in 2009 was like a dream come true. One of the motivators to seek treatment for the first time in 2010 was the fear that I was going to lose this job. I wasn't able to get through the 24 hours of call from home every other Sunday without drinking. I was showing up to work on days that I didn't work because I was confused about what day it was. I feared that my coworkers would soon figure out that something was really wrong with me. Historically, when management confronted my drinking or concerns about my drinking, I would get a new job. The jobs were aplenty in long-term care. I could bounce from place to place which was not terribly uncommon in that field. I could easily explain away my job hopping (benefits, pay, hours, etc). All my excuses were reasonable. I wanted to keep this job because I was so incredibly proud of being part of this team. 

When I was stumbling around after I got out of treatment, I was scared about both being drunk and being sober. What weird spot to be in. On one hand, if I don't stay sober, I will be joining my patients on the liver transplant list or I get sober and hate life. When I finally hit my rock bottom (which was relatively soft all things considered) I entered the health professionals monitoring program. Now I something new to fear. Get sober or lose your license to practice. OK! I am totally motivated to get sober, let's do this thing. 

I feared everything in my first year of recovery. I feared who I was and whether I would like that person. I feared the relationship I was in would not survive (and it did not). I wondered what happens if I get to the 9th step of AA and have to apologize. What would happen in my life now that I wasn't drinking? My anxiety was very high for that first year and much of it was driven by fear. In the second year, I started to calm down, I was starting to see the value in my life and what I could do if I choose to remain sober. I had structure around me to basically take my drinking off of the table as even a choice. I wanted to be a nurse so there was no going back while I was in this program. Wow! I found purpose, let's go back to school and become an alcohol and drug counselor. 

As my life moved on from the monitoring program after three years, I was now holding myself accountable by wanting to become a counselor. My sobriety got shaky now and again because I really felt like I made the wrong decision about half way through. I was not ready in terms of my personal recovery to have gone into this field. If anyone asks me today what I think about going into the field, I would recommend at least 5 years of recovery before even thinking about it. I had been drunk for 15 years straight. I thought jumping in after 2 years of recovery would be a enough time to sort through what life is like sober. Even more so, I was ready to teach others. It was not time sober and my mental health of everything suffered the most. I feared my choices, I feared I was going to lose my recovery, I feared I had just wasted 3 years of time and money.

I am still in the field 5 years later. The fears that I experience today are more interesting to me. I am good at what I do in terms of counseling although I still do have some buyer's remorse from going this route. What keeps me from falling into that rut is the fact that I really love my co-workers, they are like family to me. I do know that I am making a difference even if I am not seeing most of my folks change. I have been working to put my expectations in the right place. I was celebrate the successes, but not as my own. I will be sad at the failures and again not as my own. I am working hard to keep that perspective because otherwise my burnout would have happened after my first 2 months in the field.

My anxiety has been out of control for about the last six months. It's all situational in nature and fortunately, I have an excellent therapist who is helping me to see what is mine and what is not. I know that principle well, but when I become fearful and anxiousness, I cannot see or engage in reason. I need that outside voice to get me out of the rafters of my own anxiety. I was in a place in my career that was very difficult to navigate. I have said in this blog on several occasions that one of my least favorite personality traits is the ability to play both sides of the fence. I become lost in the game of playing both sides that I can no longer figure out what I actually believe. It's confusing and most of all, exhausting. I was accessing this personality trait on a near daily basis for the past 6 months. It caused such frustration that I often allowed it to overflow into outright anger. Anger and I do not make good bed fellows. 

I completed my fourth year at my job in January. I have not stayed consistently employed full time with any employer beyond three years. While I am still with the transplant center and will be celebrating 10 years this summer, I stopped full time employment after three years. I tend to get restless after about two years and have never really experienced the benefits of staying with an employer for the long-term. Alas, I became so frustrated and so fearful of even walking through the doors at work, I started to interview around. Although I made the decision to stay, I learned something very valuable in the process. I had lost my confidence in the past six months. I lost my decisiveness. I lost the ability to make a decision and when I did I would spend hours thinking about whether or not I did the right thing. I was going to answer for it one way or another. I had to start facing some of my fears in this too. I hate being wrong, I mean REALLY hate being wrong. I also despise being in trouble. I am not perfect and I make mistakes. What I fear most is losing my credibility or losing my trust of another person. I fear that they will be mad at me forever and never forget what I did  no matter how small. Oddly, I have had a lot of interactions where this is true; however, I am unable to let it go and fight to the death to make sure I am never in trouble again.

When I started the interview process, I could see how valuable my experience has been from my current employment. Two of the employers made a purpose to state that I was management material if I choose to work with them. My confidence started to build again. As I was interviewing though, my anxiety heightened even more. If I leave, will my work family talk to me ever again? What will life be like after I give my notice? If I leave here, will any other place is that much different or that much better? I would lay in bed and just pray.....whatever will be will be. Well, that is what happened. The parts of my position that had become so overwhelming, borderline traumatic for me were suddenly gone. I have no idea why this changed. A few weeks prior, I was told, "You need to figure out how to push through." I tried to articulate myself professionally to express my desire to change my position. I tried the no-so-professional routes which almost resulted in me getting written up (got a pretty strong verbal warning). I tried to be active, I tried to not say anything. I tried to be hopeful and positive. None of it was right. It was all wrong. 

I have not asked about what changed that I was suddenly assigned a different job. Honestly, I was relieved but I had also wondered if I was asked to leave the position. I don't know. All I know right now is that I haven't been on the verge of a panic attack for the past week. I am sleeping better again. I feel solid in my decision to stay put. I feel like I can manage. 

So, the fear that I was talking with my friend about today was in regards to when this feeling ends. A weight has been lifted off of my shoulders now and I am feeling really happy about that. There are new weights out there that will come. I really want to have a plan in how I will deal with difficult situations in the future. When I get stressed or upset, especially in the work environment, my flight mechanism gets set on overdrive and I will make move to get out. That is not feeling good anymore. I really wanted to make sure that if I was leaving my current position, I wasn't doing so because of an emotional flight response. I also did not want to not leave because of the potential disappointment/anger of others. It's been an emotional couple of weeks here. Felt like a good time to get back to writing again.

Fear has been a motivator for me ever since I can remember. I have some work to do in this area because I remain driven by fear. It is not the fear that is helpful in keeping me out of trouble. It is the fear that makes me not want to go to work. It is the type of fear that keeps me from doing what I really want to do. Most importantly, it is the type of fear that exhausts me because there is so little I can actually do to address the situation I have created out of fear. The goal will be to release this type of fear and to give it over. I am feeling annoyed with being driven by fear and not going after what I need/want for myself.

So, I hope to get back to more writing soon. As always, I got stuff to say, ya know!!?? 

Peace!
​J