For some reason today, I have been carrying around a lot of anxiety. I don't really know why, I don't feel like anything has really changed. In fact, my day at work was pretty good. I was asked at the last minute to run a group and it went really well. 

I was reading an article at work today about inner serenity. It comes out of the health realization movement which is offering another support outside of AA. The premise is dealing with the mind/body connection and seeking empowerment through changing thoughts and behaviors. People tend to not like the "powerlessness" piece of the First Step. I have done a lot of counseling about that first step and the powerlessness has nothing to do with powerlessness in life. We are powerless over our drug of choice. In admitting that powerlessness, we are empowered to change everything about our lives without it. 

Anyway, one of the aspects I was reading about was talking about the willing participant in anxiety, worry and helplessness. It seemed to be just right article at just the right time. My anxiety and worry will become greater if I allow myself to jump in the pool with it. I am empowered to walk away from it for sure. This current anxiety that I am feeling is much more physical - tossing and turning stomach and just a sense of tension. Interesting, I started to dip my feet in the pool, so to speak. I started thinking about anything and everything that I might have done wrong since starting at this job. That starts leading down the path of...."oh no, what bad thing is going to happen". I started realizing what I was doing and managed to talk myself off of the ceiling. There was no reason to be up there in the first place. 

It's just amazing to me that a flip flopping stomach can turn my thought patterns into justifying the feeling and creating something that really isn't there to begin with. If I were to be in trouble at work for some reason, they would have approached me by now. Everyone is talking about the program that I building and wanting to see the curriculum and guidelines I put together for the program. Everything went to press today and people are making phone calls to get some clients in the door. There is no reasonable thing that would indicate that this job is going anything different than fine. In my little anxiety world, I just assume the newest thing is causing the anxiety. In reality, it might be something else from the past or something bigger going on in my life. I am leaning toward the latter. I had myself up in arms about my future in this career. That is probably where the anxiety is coming from. The fear of the unknown. Uncertainty is difficult. 

So, this article was looking at addiction from the standpoint of a really bad habit. I liked that. We all have habits both good and bad. Addicts have certainly reinforced the benefits of using in our brains where it becomes a habit. It becomes the way to deal with, well, everything. Most addicts early in treatment will tell you that impulse to use is really overwhelming. It is because that is all we do and now it's not there. The brain is looking for something/anything to avoid withdrawals or to try and get happy again. Literally, we don't know what to do. Likewise with our thinking. We automatically go to places to that would justify use in our minds. We habitually think of things to worry about and get made about so we can get right back out there and using. Even though the effects of addiction are negative, the brain likes to focus on the positives it once found in drugs. Priorities then shift to the drug rather than other areas of life that might be causing stress or even happiness for that matter because the chemical was so much more powerful than anything else. As the person decreases their insights into the natural joys of the world, the less effective the drugs become and often cause more distress vs. satisfaction.  (adapted from The Serenity Principal - Joseph Bailey). 

I probably tell my clients about 1,000 times during every group that the success through difficult situations and life, for that matter, is looking at the whole thing from a different perspective. Our addict minds love us to be in the position of a pity-party. Our addict minds are ALWAYS looking for a reason to pick up again. So, I remind people that the best way to not give your addict mind a reason to pick up; give it all the reasons why picking up would just make the whole thing worse.