This is a picture of the real me. Sober. Doing something that I love (I was baking cookies with my niece and nephew). That smile is a real smile. 

I picked up my 7 year medallion (sober date: 08/09/2010). I waited a few months to get my medallion as my mom and I have a little tradition around this. It was difficult to find a time when we both weren't busy. Fortunately, it came together at the last minute and that day was today! I return to the meeting every year for my medallion I started attending over 8 years ago. I went meetings after my first round in treatment and this one was always my favorite. I didn't stay sober right out of the gates, but I still went trying to find recovery because these people were so happy. Even though I attend different meetings now, I like to return to this one because I feel like that is where my recovery truly started. I went to a first step meeting (a meeting for the beginner in AA) every time I went for over a year. I heard some of the wisest things there: 

• "30 seconds, 30 days, 30 years - we are all the same distance from the ditch."
• "You can't tell me there is any good reason to drink anymore..." (This woman shared heartbreak after heartbreak in her story and remained sober all the way through.)
• "The first step is only one you have to do right every day." (Admit that we are powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.) 
• "The first three steps are about admitting what we are doing doesn't work and be willing to seek another way. Steps 4-9 are action steps - shed your past, be who God meant you to be. The last three steps are maintenance steps to keep you healthy everyday."

As I was getting my coffee at the meeting, out of the blue I was asked to talk about my 5th Step experience. I generally like to prepare for these things a few days in advance; however, I reminded myself that whatever I say was meant to be said. So, I grabbed an AA book and turned to the 5th step information to see if I could find any quick inspiration. I skimmed through it and saw the word "fear". That was all I needed. I knew what I was going to say. I enjoyed the opportunity to talk about my experience.

One thing I touched on which is also something I talk a lot with my clients about is: the addicted me vs the sober me. About half way through my first time in DBT, there was an exercise that we did about defining values. As they were explaining the homework, I couldn't wait to start. I had been sober for maybe about 6 months when this came around the first time (the modules of DBT are repeated 2x before you are completed). It was at that time I realized I knew virtually nothing about myself. I knew some things were important to me, but was that really it for me? It took some deep thinking and soul searching to really articulate what was important to me in terms of morals, values and self. What I came to realize during that exercise is that I was turning into a totally different person than I had been for the previous 18 years of my life. Everything that I wrote down, give or take a few things, I completely steamrolled over during my years of active addiction. Nothing held value for me - relationships? Nope. Finances? Nope. Work? Just barely because I did need to earn some money. It was all about alcohol. I needed it. I wanted it. I would certainly sacrifice my values to do what I needed to get done in order to keep my addiction alive. 

It was right around the time I was completing this values assignment for DBT for the second time (at about 15 months of sobriety) that my sponsor was starting to bug me about a 4th and 5th step. The fourth step is a fearless searching moral inventory of ourselves. Google 4th step worksheets and you can see what this step is all about. It's deep. It's personal. It's the time to lay it all out there - my resentments, who I hurt, my role, my fears, my assumptions and most importantly, my role in all of this. The 4th step is often referred to as the "relapse" step. All this junk comes up from the past. The steps are designed to make us work through that stuff. It is in this step that I was humbled in a sincere and deep way for the first time in my life. There was no situation in my life that was 100% somebody else's fault. There were two people (or more) people in these relationships and I played a major part too. It's hard to relive those things. The cruel things I did to others to make myself feel better. The way I could lie and manipulate most every situation to meet my own needs. Anger and resentments are strong forces. I had a lot of them. It took me a little over 4 months to do this step. Some days I was really ready to dig in. Some days I just knew I didn't have the strength. 

After completing my 4th step, I dodged my sponsor for about a month. I didn't want to do the 5th Step. (Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.) What was she going to think of me? Am I the most terrible person in the whole world? I already hate myself going through this assignment, why is it necessary to share all those resentments, secrets and fears with someone else? Isn't God enough? Or me?  I had a good sponsor that finally cornered me and maybe me do it. She state stone faced as I told her secrets that I carried, resentments I was holding and how angry/furious at God I was about being an alcoholic. When I was done, she said "Good. Now it's time to move forward." 

It dawned on me after that experience, I had developed a sense of self. Some of those things didn't really bother me when I was drinking but these things were gnawing at me in sobriety. I was more in touch with my values and morals. I realized during that 4th and 5th step work how far I was from the authentic me. The using me had virtually silenced the sober me. Because I had lived so hard against everything that was important to me, it was hard to take responsibility or even admit I played a part. Just because addiction is a disease doesn't mean I don't take responsibilities for my actions. The following steps after these two are about taking that responsibility one step further and making amends to those we had harm in our addiction. 

When I talk to my clients about living two different lives, I usually see a light bulb go off in their minds. One reason it is hard to get sober is to face the shitshow I caused in my addiction. Addiction made me prideful and now it was time to get back to earth where I belong. One important thing to remember is: every single person is worthy of forgiveness. Just because I did something in the throes of addiction does not mean that I am the world's worst person. I made horrible decisions. I hurt people. I hurt myself. I caused my family stress and heartache. True. AND now I have the opportunity to be honest about it. Then, I have the opportunity to reconcile with God and then others around me. Being fearless while doing the inventory is to be honest. To be honest, I have to humble myself and be prepared to deal with the wreckage I caused. By taking accountability and mending what I can, I, then, finally, have the opportunity to let go and move forward. 

Because the addicted me had all the experiences that she did, the sober me is much more aware of how life needs to be moving forward. Each day I have choices to make. When I am doing something that makes me feel uncomfortable, I know that I am straying from what is important to me. I have enough clarity in my life now to be fully aware of what I value and why. I often tell people that by BS threshold is very low. It really is. I conjured up so much BS in my own life during my active using years that I just don't have the time and energy anymore for it. I am who I am and that is all that I have to offer. If you don't like it, that is OK with me. I refuse to play that game of changing myself to what I think people want of me. I played both sides for so long that I lost touch with which side I was really on to begin with. That is no way to live. If I don't agree with you, that doesn't me I don't like you. I am just not going to change my opinion to up my chances of being accepted by you. If I can accept others for having different viewpoints, I expect the same in return. Those who are in my life now are those people. The relationships with those individuals are so much more satisfying and happy. I can be myself and still be accepted. 

It was a good day today. 

Julie

I have no idea what happened to the past year. As I age, I find that time is moving faster and faster. I think about all those times in my teenage years I wanted time to speed up. I wanted to be 21. I wanted to be 25. NOW! Since my mid-30s, I have been thinking about how much I want time to slow down. In just a few short weeks, 2018 will be here. I am still having a hard time wrapping my brain around being out of college for nearly 20 years and high school for nearly 25. How in the world does this happen?

This year in recovery has been pretty interesting. In August of this year, I entered my 7th year of recovery. The past 2 years have been the hardest for me in a very different way than my first 2 years. My first year in recovery was rough. Well, let's be more accurate: My first year of recovery sucked. I was so angry, bitter, mad, terrified, embarrassed, ashamed and most of all - annoyed that I was not drinking anymore. I knew that something needed to change and on some levels I was ready to change. Even with some desire to change, it doesn't mean that change comes easily. Addiction is such an interesting beast in this first year of recovery. I had such crazy thoughts and justifications for needing/wanting to go back. "How can I not drinking over.....(*insert lame excuse here*)...?" I had some really strong women in recovery around me who were trying to show me the way. I would stare at them and tell myself they were part of a cult. Angry. I was very angry.

Year 2 is when things really started to take a turn in the right direction. I felt "normal" (whatever that is) for the first time in my life. I felt like I had my motivation back. I physically felt good. I emotionally was feeling pretty strong. I had completed DBT which was really a lifesaver when it came to that unrelenting angry and self-pity. I was going to change the world! I started blogging, I was attending AA weekly, meeting with my sponsor, going place and telling my story. I told most everyone I met that I was in recovery. Recovery was so exciting! This is it! This is going to be life.

In some ways, I would give something (not everything) to go back to that second year of recovery. While things were not perfect, there were so many new things that I was experiencing. I had this sense of adventure and curiosity. I was ready to tackle the world. As recovery moved into years 3-7, the focus of my recovery has changed. I worry from time to time that I have another drunk in me. I  also know how hard I had to fight to get here today. I am not sure that I would have another full fledged recovery in me. I never lose focus that I could potentially drink tomorrow. As the time grows greater and greater between me and my last drink, my focus has really shifted from getting over urges and cravings to building a life in recovery that is worthwhile and fulfilling. And this is where things can get kinda tough and can be kinda fun all at the same time.

What addiction robbed of me the most was my moral compass. There were certain values and morals that I aspired to and held close to my heart. When I was actively using, I just didn't care. I didn't care about the people in my life. I didn't care about my health. I didn't care about potentially harming others. I just needed to drink. Addictive thinking can be pretty crazy. The annoying part to me is that I knew my thinking was warped! I really did know that. I used to try to tell myself that I wasn't addicted, I just didn't want to quit. When my liver was hurting from acute alcoholic hepatitis, I would just tell myself that I had the flu. When the reality of those lies was too clear to ignore, I would grab another drink and forget all about it. I would even shake my head at things I was telling other people. "What the hell is wrong with me" was a frequent question I would be mumbling to myself on a near daily basis. I never really had to actually answer that question until I got into treatment. Addiction. What was wrong with me? Nothing. Addiction was ruling my life. I had lost me.

In these later years of recovery, I feel like my focus has been on getting back in line with my values. Oddly, for the first couple of years, I didn't even know what my values really were. I had spend a majority of my life playing both sides of the fence. I had a limited sense of self coming into recovery. I was a nurse.....um...that was about it. I remember being so angry when I graduated from my last treatment. My fellow group mates told me "You gotta figure you out." So, I ended up quickly adopting recovery as my new self. 100% recovery, 100% of the time. Honestly, what I feared with this whole recovery thing was burning out on it. If you take a look at my craft projects, I have about 10 different ones going. I start something, it's all about that for a week or two and then slowly I wander away from it. Then, on to something new! I really did fear that I was going to burn myself out in the same way with this whole recovery thing. Only, instead of losing $30 to unwanted craft items, I stand to lose my life. 

As my restlessness grew in 2017, I wondered if I had come to that place of burning out in my recovery. I blog about recovery. I work 40 hours per week as a substance abuse counselor. I attend meetings. I research things about my clients when I am at home. I talk about recovery 24/7. Year 7, thus far, has really been about finding a true identity beyond recovery. This process is still very much in progress. I did learn a few things so far. There are other facets of my personality and being that I am not in touch with at the moment. I have become less mindful over the years which has probably cost me some time and growth opportunities. I still have some work to do.

As I am closing out this year, I am holding some excitement for the year ahead. I have felt stuck for the past 2 years or so. When I think back to that Year 2, I had such ambitions and expectations for what time of impact I was going to make in my recovery. I have always felt like there was something big waiting for me if I chose this direction. Finally, at the end of this year, I am feeling reconnected with that feeling. I was told that I needed to be on the lookout for opportunities and be ready to make a change. Most of the time, I don't really care for change. I want things to be predictable. Oddly, in this past year, I need change. I need some things to shift. I need something to look forward to. And while I value routine for the sake of my recovery, my routine has stagnated my growth. I have become dependent on things not changing. As I had been more and more ingrained in this routine, the more restless I have felt.

There is going to be something in 2018. I have no idea what or when. What I do know is that I need to stay mindful and aware. I need to be be flexible and open. I need to practice what I preach in terms of recovery. I also really need to figure out this whole self-care thing. I have spent some time digging into this more in the past few months. I am now aware that despite my best efforts, I tend to hold onto the pain of my clients. When people trust me enough to tell me about the demons of the past, I feel a deep sense of responsibility in those moments. I feel the pain with them at time. Other times, I am able to keep some distance. What I now know is that I am bearing too much of that burden. I haven't quite found a way that reconciles my desire to honor the trust  I have given and not to assume the pain associated with their experiences. I become so hyperfocused on their pain that I forget to work on my own and find ways to release it. This is high priority #1 for 2018.

I am establishing some goals for 2018. As I am writing this blog, I keep having this thought about "something might have to give." I met with a woman a little while back. She was encouraging me to be aware of some dawning opportunities in my life. She was also very clear that I do too many things. I am teaching part-time, I work full time, I also have another job as a nurse causally. I think I know what has to give and I am not super excited about it. I am going to have to keep giving this some more thought and see what 2018 thinks of my decisions. :) 

Peace!
​Julie