This is a picture of the real me. Sober. Doing something that I love (I was baking cookies with my niece and nephew). That smile is a real smile.
I picked up my 7 year medallion (sober date: 08/09/2010). I waited a few months to get my medallion as my mom and I have a little tradition around this. It was difficult to find a time when we both weren't busy. Fortunately, it came together at the last minute and that day was today! I return to the meeting every year for my medallion I started attending over 8 years ago. I went meetings after my first round in treatment and this one was always my favorite. I didn't stay sober right out of the gates, but I still went trying to find recovery because these people were so happy. Even though I attend different meetings now, I like to return to this one because I feel like that is where my recovery truly started. I went to a first step meeting (a meeting for the beginner in AA) every time I went for over a year. I heard some of the wisest things there:
One thing I touched on which is also something I talk a lot with my clients about is: the addicted me vs the sober me. About half way through my first time in DBT, there was an exercise that we did about defining values. As they were explaining the homework, I couldn't wait to start. I had been sober for maybe about 6 months when this came around the first time (the modules of DBT are repeated 2x before you are completed). It was at that time I realized I knew virtually nothing about myself. I knew some things were important to me, but was that really it for me? It took some deep thinking and soul searching to really articulate what was important to me in terms of morals, values and self. What I came to realize during that exercise is that I was turning into a totally different person than I had been for the previous 18 years of my life. Everything that I wrote down, give or take a few things, I completely steamrolled over during my years of active addiction. Nothing held value for me - relationships? Nope. Finances? Nope. Work? Just barely because I did need to earn some money. It was all about alcohol. I needed it. I wanted it. I would certainly sacrifice my values to do what I needed to get done in order to keep my addiction alive. It was right around the time I was completing this values assignment for DBT for the second time (at about 15 months of sobriety) that my sponsor was starting to bug me about a 4th and 5th step. The fourth step is a fearless searching moral inventory of ourselves. Google 4th step worksheets and you can see what this step is all about. It's deep. It's personal. It's the time to lay it all out there - my resentments, who I hurt, my role, my fears, my assumptions and most importantly, my role in all of this. The 4th step is often referred to as the "relapse" step. All this junk comes up from the past. The steps are designed to make us work through that stuff. It is in this step that I was humbled in a sincere and deep way for the first time in my life. There was no situation in my life that was 100% somebody else's fault. There were two people (or more) people in these relationships and I played a major part too. It's hard to relive those things. The cruel things I did to others to make myself feel better. The way I could lie and manipulate most every situation to meet my own needs. Anger and resentments are strong forces. I had a lot of them. It took me a little over 4 months to do this step. Some days I was really ready to dig in. Some days I just knew I didn't have the strength. After completing my 4th step, I dodged my sponsor for about a month. I didn't want to do the 5th Step. (Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.) What was she going to think of me? Am I the most terrible person in the whole world? I already hate myself going through this assignment, why is it necessary to share all those resentments, secrets and fears with someone else? Isn't God enough? Or me? I had a good sponsor that finally cornered me and maybe me do it. She state stone faced as I told her secrets that I carried, resentments I was holding and how angry/furious at God I was about being an alcoholic. When I was done, she said "Good. Now it's time to move forward." It dawned on me after that experience, I had developed a sense of self. Some of those things didn't really bother me when I was drinking but these things were gnawing at me in sobriety. I was more in touch with my values and morals. I realized during that 4th and 5th step work how far I was from the authentic me. The using me had virtually silenced the sober me. Because I had lived so hard against everything that was important to me, it was hard to take responsibility or even admit I played a part. Just because addiction is a disease doesn't mean I don't take responsibilities for my actions. The following steps after these two are about taking that responsibility one step further and making amends to those we had harm in our addiction. When I talk to my clients about living two different lives, I usually see a light bulb go off in their minds. One reason it is hard to get sober is to face the shitshow I caused in my addiction. Addiction made me prideful and now it was time to get back to earth where I belong. One important thing to remember is: every single person is worthy of forgiveness. Just because I did something in the throes of addiction does not mean that I am the world's worst person. I made horrible decisions. I hurt people. I hurt myself. I caused my family stress and heartache. True. AND now I have the opportunity to be honest about it. Then, I have the opportunity to reconcile with God and then others around me. Being fearless while doing the inventory is to be honest. To be honest, I have to humble myself and be prepared to deal with the wreckage I caused. By taking accountability and mending what I can, I, then, finally, have the opportunity to let go and move forward. Because the addicted me had all the experiences that she did, the sober me is much more aware of how life needs to be moving forward. Each day I have choices to make. When I am doing something that makes me feel uncomfortable, I know that I am straying from what is important to me. I have enough clarity in my life now to be fully aware of what I value and why. I often tell people that by BS threshold is very low. It really is. I conjured up so much BS in my own life during my active using years that I just don't have the time and energy anymore for it. I am who I am and that is all that I have to offer. If you don't like it, that is OK with me. I refuse to play that game of changing myself to what I think people want of me. I played both sides for so long that I lost touch with which side I was really on to begin with. That is no way to live. If I don't agree with you, that doesn't me I don't like you. I am just not going to change my opinion to up my chances of being accepted by you. If I can accept others for having different viewpoints, I expect the same in return. Those who are in my life now are those people. The relationships with those individuals are so much more satisfying and happy. I can be myself and still be accepted. It was a good day today. Julie
2 Comments
Ronda Parker
12/18/2017 06:33:00 am
Another wonderful article!! I’m not familiar with DBT what does it stand for and how does a person accomplish the goal?
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Hi Ronda!
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AuthorJust a girl in the world trying to live a sober and happy life. Archives
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