Minimalism

Image by Evgeni Tcherkasski from Pixabay ​​

sI had hoped since finishing school, I would have gotten my home under better control than it is right now. I am living in a bit more chaos than I need to, yet I lack serious motivation to do anything about it. I have made some little steps toward progress. Not enough, though, to make it feel like I have made the impact that I desire. Not surprisingly, social media has picked up on all of this and has masterfully interjected ads and information about minimalism. In fact, even Netflix recommends a few documentaries and TV shows about the topic. Algorithms are scarily accurate some times. 

I have been interested for years to live a more simple life. I would think an environment where I have less space to fill and less things to managed would do well for me. The last two years, I really reigned in spending since I was in school and didn't take on an excessive amount of things. I do, however, have a lot of stuff. There are some things that I can easily part with and other things I feel very sentimental about. I think it was my Mom that called me a "sentimental hoarder" at one point. I found this descriptions to be 150% on point for me. Interestingly, those items are not the issue for me right now. Organization is the issue. 

My lack of organization and living chaos is nothing new. Ask anyone I have lived with for an extended period of time and they will tell you stories of me sitting in the middle of chaos and reading a book with a smile on my face. At one point or another, I get sick of it and do a massive sweep of everything. I clean every inch of my place, I throw out bags of stuff, donate a car full of no longer needed items to Goodwill or wherever. Since moving to this place, I haven't had that big push. Most of my being wants to do it and I know that I would feel better if I did. Yet, I sit with this weird avoidance and lack of drive to start. I do give myself a little grace, in that I work a lot and I work a physical job. So, I am tired. Like super tired when I get home. I don't feel like doing anything. 

I can't decide what I need to do next to get my home under better control. It was easier to live in chaos when I was using. It was just that much easier to ignore. I fear that I have become a little too comfortable in my current situation. Because of work, school, and quarantine stuff over the past few years, it has been easy to slip into this state. I have often struggled with needing external motivation to act. I felt like for a few years, at least, I had some internal motivation. It was nice. I felt like I was doing things for myself and not to impress someone else. I was reminded that external motivation is not necessarily a bad thing. I had come to believe it was based on feedback from a few relationships. Even today, sitting in my mid-40s, I often question if having external motivation as a primary source of action is a bad thing. 

In recovery, it took external motivation. Internally, I wanted it really bad. Having a sick brain, though, is pretty tough when seeking such a major change in life. I went voluntarily to treatment and detox. My brain was telling me to keep all of this a secret so I could keep doing it. I pushed through it one night and that probably saved my life. I don't know what it was. AA calls it "a moment of clarity". I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Treatment didn't "fix me". I had hoped that I would be able to quit without having to do a whole bunch of work to keep it. Well, I have the wrong disease then!! Everyone I encountered in treatment and beyond frequently told me to simplify my life. I had to create a life with less stress. I needed to clear out my environment to reduce temptation. I had to "unclutter" my life. In the first couple attempts at sobriety, I did a pretty half-assed job of simplifying things. I like a certain level of chaos in my life so really committing to a minimal lifestyle was impossible for me to wrap my head around. 

When I look back over the past 11 years of recovery, doing the whole "minimalist" thing has not been my gig. Maybe it is age speaking now that I desire for things to be quieter. My work world has gone from 300mph of a spiraling shitstorm to highly manageable, dare I say, minimal level of stress. That has allowed the chaos situation in my home to feel more uncomfortable and noticeable. I am really wishing, hoping, and maybe even praying, that I can find that spark to get this started. Part of my 6 months of not doing anything was going to be getting the rest of the painting projects done in this place and give it a good clean. Well, I am 4 months in and I have pretty much managed to get my dishes done and the occasional load of laundry. Both of those chores are usually done more out of need than a desire to change my environment. 

Living a simple, uncluttered life sounds really appealing. The little I have read on it and seen my various social media threads lead me to think I would feel more content at home if I were to adopt a more minimalist approach. As I explore this concept, the more overwhelmed I feel of what it would take to get to that point. In a way, I sort of just shutdown. I think I would need days or weeks to accomplish a task as large as that. I get 24-36 hours off at any given time. When would I ever find the time to do all of this organizing and cleaning!!???!?! I know better. Although I hate the word "should".....I should break this project down into smaller pieces so I don't get overwhelmed. Want to hear something weird? The thought of breaking it down is now overwhelming. I see disorganization and chaos everywhere. If I start in place X, I will make place Y worse. There is not enough room in place Z. I am not sure I am ready to dive into more emotionally charged items and make decisions about what needs to go. These thoughts and excuses are interesting to me since I am in a very strong, healthy, good emotional space right now. Low stress, bills are paid, I like what I am doing for work. I have seemingly lost my internal motivation. 

I required external motivation to get sober because I couldn't figure out how to do it for myself. I had some accountability which helped. My addiction brain, though, made it very easy for me to find ways around my own systems. I can be rather crafting in that arena. It took having my nursing license threatened to pull it together. It was having a high structure with very concrete consequences that got me to where I am today. I would hope that I could have found my way without having to commit three years of my life to monitoring. But, I honestly don't think so. It is not that I don't love my family. It's not that I was happy with the life I had. I was certainly sick of losing things and I would have lost my family at some point with something didn't change. I credit that program with giving me enough sober time to get my brained cleared and start working on the habits and traits that I developed during my active use years. Honestly, then recovery became internally motivated. I liked what life was looking like in recovery. I made the choice back then and every day to stay sober. So, I know I have that internal motivation some where and it is still stronger than ever related to sobriety.

I am not really looking for advice or referrals to help me move past this weird home chaos thing going on. I am more trying to figure out the best way to spark my internal motivator. The fact that I am even writing about it make me feel like maybe that break through is in the near future. I am not 100% sure, but I remain optimist that it is there. The external motivators in this scenario might work in terms of creating short term changes. "Oh my God, I have guests, let me at least shove everything into rooms that I can close the door." That works for a minute until I see what I was able to pile up in the rooms I closed off. I want a bit more than that. I know I am capable of it. 

Anyway......I want to be a little more committed to my writing as well. I have started about 5 different entries about pretty deep stuff - guilt (especially survivor's guilt), finding meaning in chaos, value systems, and an entry contemplating "why". These entries were more on the heavy side. These are not topics that are easily wrapped up in a page or two. Like I tell my therapist, "it's more existential in nature". Nothing wrong with existential exploration, in fact a bulk of my recovery time has been dedicated to search for meaning and making the world a better place. These topics, on the other hand, are complex and I don't know how to answer my own questions. Makes for a hard blog entry!!! That being said, I hope to continue to work on some of those pieces and get them published. What I have learned from my readers since I started this blog in 2012 is that I am rarely alone in thinking and believing what I do. 

Peace to you all!
​Julie