I have been on a bit of a DBT kick recently. Partly because I have been feeling the depression creeping back into my life and DBT skills are just made to deal with these issues. Also because I opted to use this content in a group presentation that I did. Early recovery sucks. My biggest complaint after getting out of treatment was "I still have the same problems, no skills to cope with any of it and now I can't drink!!" Yup, early recovery sucks on many levels. My DBT courses were the first time anyone offered me anything to try and cope with this new world of suck-a-tude.

When I was giving my presentation I talked a lot of about building mastery in life. The goal of DBT, CBT and AA for that matter, is building a life worth living. Well, what happens when I stop believing that I can do anything right. Or I think that I am not good enough. Or that I have to do huge things in order to prove my worth. I can hear Marsha Linehan (creator of DBT) telling me - stop right there, young lady, back up, start again. Build mastery.....

So, what does this really mean? It's about doing the little things everyday, acknowledging the fact that you were successful at it and what you did made life that much better for having done it. Let's say, I really like painting. I buy the canvas, $300 worth of expensive oil paints and designer brushes. For me, I am going to have an EPIC freak out. I will start telling myself that I can't use this stuff, it's too expensive to waste on something I am not really good at. So, in my good DBT world, I am going to take all of this stuff back and get something a little simpler, like a little figurine that comes with 4 or 5 colors and brush. I am going to practice and have some fun painting. When I am done, I had a good time, life is a little better because I had a good time and my figurine looks spectacular.

Outside of the arts & crafts kind of world, other life areas need some attention too. The goal is to engage in 1 task everyday that makes me feel competent, accomplished and in control of my life. For instance, sitting down and budgeting out the month. While I never actually stick to the budget, I feel accomplished about taking the time to know exactly where I am financially and where I am at with my goals. There are times that I pick a room and start to reorganize, dust and just do a deep clean. I definitely feel accomplished and in control of my life. These are the type of activities that I am currently engaged in to make myself feel confident. Let's step back a few year and look at where I applied this particular skill.

In the fall of 2010, I was finally pulling together about 90 days of sustained sobriety when we got to this module. When we first started talking about it, I got really depressed. There were so many hopes and dreams I felt like I had lost because of my drinking. The things I wanted to do to build mastery were to find a grad school, get married again, have a family, buy a new house, get my RN and get a different job. Lofty goals for someone who still had no idea what long-term sobriety even looked like. I met in the DBT groups once a week and then had counseling on an individual basis. My counselor asked me to talk about some of my mastery interests. I blurted out the above list. 

Needless to say, she wasn't very impressed. But apparently, there are many of us DBT newbies that make this error when we think about building skills. We are thinking too largely, too broadly and too ambitiously for where we are in our lives. While all of these goals are great long-term goals, they were not realistic and ultimately had the opposite effect. I put so much pressure on myself to consider these goals, I started to not function in my daily life under my own self-imposed 10 ton boulder of responsibility. My counselor told me to focus on much smaller goals. Is there a day that I didn't want to get out of bed but I did anyway? Did I get to a meeting enough times for myself in a week? Did I get all my tasks done at work to the best of my ability? Yeah, I did all those things, but isn't that just really expected of a grown adult? We have to do these things, right? My counselor asked me what the harm would be to take some credit for doing things that I don't always want to do but push through and do it anyway. What would be the harm of giving myself a pat on the back putting my recovery first. Yeah, these are things I need to do but why not give myself some accolades for actually doing them?

Some days I have to go back to the basics and congratulate myself for getting out of bed when I really didn't want to. Most days, now, are devoted to the bigger dreams of school, etc. Because I finally cut myself some slack and told myself good job for cleaning the bathroom (I really loathe that task), I have finally been able to build a foundation to step on toward the larger goals. I still have pangs sometimes when I think, "why am I congratulating myself for taking out the garbage? It stinks, it had to go out." The truth of the matter, I did the task and life is better for it, so I shot myself a "thanks for finally doing that". If someone would have done it for me, I would have said thank you, so why can't I say it to myself? 

I try to remember to do these little things. 3 years ago, you would not have convinced me that I was going to buy into this BS of self-affirmations and loving myself inside and out. As cheesy and hokey as it might seem to some, it is the root of everything. I will never be a positive person until the core of me is happy. My core is happy in part to making an effort to be kind to myself. Try it some time. It might just change or life.....

Julie

Well, what can I say? I am back at it again. You would think I had learned my lesson about dating from the last round, but alas, two upcoming dates next week. I plan on being a little more discreet about the details this time. I did learn that lesson quite well.

What did I change this time around? I got rid of one my profiles all together from one free site. I thought I was meeting relatively good people on there until I looked back - hmmmm....there maybe plenty of fish of plentyoffish.com but none for me apparently....

I did purchase a 6 month subscription to match.com. I have had that profile up for about three months. I am feeling kinda self-conscious about that one because everyone tells me it is such a meat market and they got contacted all the time. Not me....I have had a few conversations that started but never really went anywhere....until now. I decided for fun to update my profile and make things a little lighter. I still have on there that I am in recovery and that me and the cats are a package deal. 2 areas of my life I am not willing to negotiate anymore. Amen. It must have been successful or something because now I am getting all sorts of responses. 

This next part is where I made the big changes. I quit feeling sorry for other people. I have to admit, I write some of these people back because I feel bad for them. They seem nice enough but I am not interested. I just discovered that match.com has this automated email that you send out, kinda like the rejection emails when applying to jobs..."thanks but no thanks." I have to remind myself, I am not on there to save the world or anything. I am looking for someONE, not everyone. Also, by adding the cat and alcohol rule, most people will read that far and decide their level of interest right then and there. I think I am preferring the profile piece since it is out in the open, upfront. If they are not cool with it, then they won't respond. So, there.

Now I haven't been on a physical face to face date since the last nightmare blew up. The next two dates are with people who are financially and emotionally stable. There are lots of common interests, not so much recovery related, but movies, TV, fun things to do. Both of them are cool with the fact that I don't drink. I asked them to please define "social drinking" in their terms since I find this to be very broadly used on these profiles. 1-2 drink every few months. OK, that is actually social drinking in my book. Yipppee! 

It appears to me that I have the online dating part of this adventure under control, it's going to be the person to person stuff I need to work on a little bit. I figured out a few things that I didn't care for on the first round. 1. Not enough in common. The conversation dies after about 5 minutes. I will start babbling incoherently in order to avoid uncomfortable silences. 2. I beat myself up after a date. Analyzing every last word I said...."was this stupid to say? Oh no, I wonder if he thinks...." All of my dates ended with a request for another date so I need to get over myself about that piece. Who doesn't say something kinda dumb or embarrassing at some point? 3. Two of the dates stand out in particular for talking wayyyy too much. I actually had to jump in to even say a sentence. I don't like that either. I want a two way conversation. I don't want to become the counselor again. I think it is fine to talk about past relationships, but there were about 4 that were absolutely still in the mourning stages of these last relationships. How can I possibly compete with that?? 

My goals this time around are to just be me. If I come off like a big nerd or kinda flighty, well, that is just me. Love it or leave it. Another goal is to actually tell someone if I am not interested in another date. I get all squeamish and text them later on. BOOOOO....time to grow up Jules....the reason I don't do it face to face is because I can't stand the look on their face. When I asked my ex-husband to move out, I will never forget that expression nor will I forget the tears that rolled down his face. It broke my heart at the time. I wanted to jump in and save him. I wanted to talk it all back just to stop that moment from progressing. While I was sober in that very moment when it happened, I drank over it for 3 more years.  I need to get over the uncomfortable nature of this situation and practice my program of honesty. That's a big one. I will certainly keep you posted. 

Take care all.....Julie T.  

Happy Thanksgiving 2013! I had the distinct pleasure of spending the day with my family and some fellow AA friends. I have been looking forward to Thanksgiving this year. In reality, I have been looking forward to the holidays every year since I stopped drinking. This Thanksgiving is #3 for me.

I haven't been writing very much recently other than papers for school which don't count as "real" writing in my book. Funny enough, the day after I launched this site and was ready to take over the blogging world, I lost my internet connection. My schedule is so crazy busy that when the only available appointments to come and fix it are Monday through Friday from 8-5, I cannot be there. I made a bit of an impulse decision to change companies. I picked up a little cable TV and a bit cheaper internet. Ironically enough, it doesn't work either and the first opportunity to fix that will come 22 days after I signed up. Good thing I hadn't cancelled my old service or no one would have heard from me for a month or more!

Getting this Master's Degree has been a bigger struggle than I had imaged it would be. In the beginning, I took 4 classes while working 12 hour overnight shifts with all classes scheduled in the middle of my sleep. OK, that was my fault for taking on too much, but it still gets harder yet. I made the decision to leave my full time job, go to casual status and enroll in school full-time. I believe to this day that was a great decision, really based on some sound reasoning and how my job ended up, it was certainly for the best since I would not have been able to go to school at all. 

The first semester of full time was complicated by a depression medication change which left me irritable, in pain and suffering under persistent thoughts of dying. I limped through the semester and unfortunately under the program, there was one a week break between semesters and semester #2 started with the same complications with the medication change. Ultimately, I ended up withdrawing from the semester after a conflict with a clinical placement and my mental health. I worked for the semester (so grateful my employer took me back!). It was a long summer and I lumbered through a lot of politics and lost a few friends in the process. Fortunately, I gained a few more along the way as well. 

I was so excited to start semester #3. My school started an Advanced Practice Master's Program which would allow me to get an LPCC (Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor) designation for mental health counseling in addition to my LADC (Licensed Drug & Alcohol Counselor). I did opt to take a few "elective" credits throughout my time so that I would be eligible for my LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor) which practices at a lower level than the LPCC but lands in the world of mental health. I have been told over the last year or two that I have been on this adventure, LPCC is good to get, it's only another 16 credits and could lead to another $12,000 pay and most places are looking for people who are dual licensed. LPC counselor is generally not able to bill Medicare or Medicaid as they do not recognize services provided by LPCs but they do with LPCCs. (There is a reason that I am telling you all this boring crap...I am getting there.... :) )I changed over to the Advanced Practice program and was already to move along.

This semester has generated additional challenges for me. I love my placement right now and I respect the people with whom I am working.  I am, however, struggling with my commitment to the educational piece. I know that I am still holding somewhat of a grudge against my school for what happened last semester. Overall, I am just a little unhappy with my whole experience. This semester feels more academically intense than the previous semesters. I don't care for one class at all and just find myself unwilling to engage. I have already missed the maximum number of classes before I start getting in trouble. Given, I was ill but I probably could have pushed myself to get up for that class and go especially since there are points given for just showing up! Still, not enough to generate any type of motivation on this end. I did well on the mid-term so now I am feeling like there is an opportunity to continue to let my attendance slide. 

I started thinking about what I tell my clients to do. I emphasize finding a balance and making sure recovery always first. I stress the need to not overburden or complicate. Do not create stress where stress does not need to be. I am the farthest from practicing any of this at this very moment. I haven't been to a meeting in weeks. I am starting to feel the stress of that. I have one day off a week. I am totally, 100% burned out by Wednesday and my days off are on Sunday. I continue to work and I do not want to sever this relationship as it could lead to a job when I am finished. I am torn between two worlds - one I am a very successful nurse that knows most things and the other I am a counselor who is barely able to tell my head from my ass. I feel like I am on this wicked roller coaster. If I were my own client, I would start really pushing for a review of what is important in life.

I started to take a look at my priorities, wishes and career options. When I started this program, what was my goal? My goal was to obtain a Master's and become an addictions counselor. I didn't even know what LPCs and LPCCs even were so when did this become a priority? While it makes perfect sense to get both licenses, here are other things God and I had a conversation about over the past 2 weeks: Can I deal with the stress of getting all the supervised hours in (2000 or 4000 hours)? Do I pursue a job just because it will offer the supervision piece even it means I don't get the job I want to do? Can I afford to maintain three licenses all with different continuing education requirements (I still plan to keep my nursing license)? Is it absolutely imperative to do this extra piece, right here and right now? The only one that came up a yes was the ability to pay for all the licenses. I can make that happen if I want to. Otherwise the answer was a resounding no.

I made my pros and cons list of changing back to the Master's in Addiction Counseling and leaving the Advanced Practice piece for another time and maybe a different facility. It was clear after being written out that I would like to complete my degree after this next semester and defer further education for the mental health LPCC. I will still be able to work on the mental health piece to some degree with the LPC. I am still relatively young. I can return to do these four additional classes when I feel like my sobriety and mental health are not so taxed. I feel as though I will break under the stress if I choose to move through with 2 more semester. The financial strain is tough. The extra semester would be another $20,000 investment for me. I have $30,000 already in. I think I am ready to start working again. I have three potential offers out there. 

My first and foremost major concern right now is my sobriety. The thoughts have become stronger and I actually thought to myself the other day, "if I relapsed, I could still go back to nursing.....". This is a dangerous place. Relapse starting long before the first drink and I caught myself taking the first step in that direction. Second, my mental health was compromised earlier this year and I have never quite felt the same after I attempted to make the medication change. All in all, I feel pretty good. I would say I just get blue and unmotivated more than I used to. I will be fine to make it through the semester and the next one. I just wonder about attempting a third.  I have driven myself insane before so I know what I am capable of doing to myself if I am not careful. I need to allow myself some time to breath and enjoy life around me. I have been feeling this strong yearning for things to be simple again. 

I did today what I felt I needed to do before I let someone talk me out of it. In my heart, I know what I need to do and it is preserve my sobriety and mental health and maybe also my physical health. This year just seemed to be plagued by illness. I suspect running wild working and going to school for 70 hours a week wasn't helping matters. I have not talked with anyone about my decision to reconsider my educational path. I felt a need for God and I to hash this one out. I came to the conclusion on Wednesday when I was sitting in a group and I was listening to a man in the group talk about his faith and his feelings about the Big Book - I swore I heard my Dad in his voice. "You just have to keep it simple. Jesus made it  simple. Bill W. got life all the way down to 12 steps. That ain't so hard. Is it?" I remember my Dad telling me when I was little that the most important concept of the Bible was "Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself". It's just that simple. I just have been trying to stay quiet to remain in a position to hear God provide me with direction. I am absolutely sure I heard this message yesterday.

I have lots and lots to write about so I hope to tackle some of these deep thoughts this weekend! Thank you to all the readers who have followed me from my original blog. 

Peace out!

I cannot decide if my experience with the past few months of dating was more an issue of age or that of sobriety. I have absolutely no frame of reference with sober dating as I starting drinking long before I ever starting dating. Dating is a hell of a lot easier with liquor but it also can lead to that "Oh, Lord, what was I thinking?" much more frequently than when sober. Trust me, that thought did cross my mind a few times along with this little trip.

I was asked by one of my readers to give some pieces of wisdom I picked up on during my very first round of sober dating. Well, I am not sure that you really want that advice from me as I feel it was, overall, a huge waste of my time. At least I got to go out to dinner and meet a few new people that I would have otherwise never crossed paths with, I suppose. Anyway, as with anything out there, I did take away some lessons about life, love and pursuit of the perfect partner......

#1 Do any of us really know what we want? I had so many people who wrote me who hated smokers, drank like fish or wanted nothing to do with children. My profile stated the exact opposite. I opted to join the conversation but quickly realized.....bad idea which leads to #2
#2 Don't compromise. I started to get into that wishy-washy arena again...i.e. well, maybe it won't be that bad if I change...or maybe I can get over this....I realize there is  a certain level of compromise in every relationship. The point here is to never compromise on the "non-negotiable" things in life. If can't be around a drinker, I can't. I almost got myself convinced I could. Hey, I tried. Fortunately, I bailed before I hit the danger zone.
#3 Don't be afraid to be exactly who you are. If you are shy, be shy. If you are incredibly opinionated, be so. 
#4 Then, please, please, please be OK if not everyone likes you. I was fearing this when I started dating because who the heck likes to be rejected? Heck, I don't like be rejected so much that I can barely reject someone else because I know how they might be feeling - and it sucks. Interestingly, I did improve much in this area. Maybe my age has made me less tolerant for some things or maybe I am finally free of my drug that made me the neediest girl in the room. Either way, good. I am not for everyone but there is a good chance that I am for someone.
#5 Careful about what you blog about your dating experience....Ha!

If a future client ever came to me and asked about dating, I would at least feel like I have a chance of providing a reasonable answer based on this experience. I needed to make sure that I was whole first. I was with someone when I got sober and limped along in that relationship for another 2.5 years because I thought that was better than being alone. I ended up jumping into dating so quickly, I think I could have used a moment or two to make sure I was grounded in myself first. Overall, I think I managed to ride the waves on this one. 

I did realize one important thing about myself that will have to be a part profile in my future.....I really don't like texting. I don't mind it for quick chats with friends or an update about plans. But trying to have a conversation? Did you know that men become completely needy if there is not a response in 2 seconds from a text? OMG, back off! Hi. What are you doing? I am eating. Here I am? Why aren't you writing me? Did I say something? It has been three minutes since my first text. You hate me don't you.....I made the distinct mistake of giving out my number to a few people at one time. On average, I use 130 texts a month. Between these two guys, I had over 900 texts. Much of which was similar to the conversation above. I actually flat out told the last bachelor "I don't like my cell phone." I have never liked being available 24 hours at a flip of a switch. It is expected that people have their cellphones with them and will always answer or always text back IMMEDIATELY. Nope, I like the leave a message or send me an email and I will get back to you when I am in the space to do so. I almost felt harassed at points about this. And he also ignored my preferences and called 3-4 times per day which multiple texts in between. AHAHAHHWHHFDGFDSIG!  So, lesson learned. Now I am back on track to do 120 texts this next month.....

So the burning question now, will I do it again? I do have a match.com subscription until next March or something stupid like that. I updated my profile which now states, I am in recovery, I talk about it a lot. I hate cell phones and texting. The cats and I are a package deal. They will not be given up for allergies, hatred or any other reason. If you can't deal, then keep it moving. Now, I sound much softer on the profile but the message is unmistakable. I am will leave it up and see what happens but I am not active searching. I will not reply if I don't want to. Actually, I don't have to worry about that because no one really writes me on that site. Oh well! I had a discussion with my Higher Power in the shower this morning. I asked God where he wants me. Some days I really want kids, I want the family, I want the house and a picket fence. The next day, I can't stand getting contacted more than 2x a day by someone because I like to be alone and have lots of down time. I don't know what I want. I do know what I don't want is regret that I missed something. Then, God sent me my message today while I was seeking supervision about a care plan I was writing. I told my supervisor, "this guy is relapsing because he has so much unresolved grief....." My supervisor simply said, "What do the 12 steps teach us? We have to live life on life's terms. The more we try to interject our plans, our will, our interventions, the more lost we become in our own lives." I looked at him and said "Are you talking to me or about client?" He smiled and said, "Probably both". So, thanks God, for answering my question. I just have to let things happen. It's hard to not jump in the driver's seat, but I can do it. I have in the past and I certainly today. 

Thank you for all the support during this transition to this site. The blog entries that are currently transferred are the "Best of"....any entry that had over 100+ hits over it's life on the site :) 

Peace out!

For those of you who are joining me for the first time, I wrote a series of blog entries on my old site about my experiences with sober dating. In a moment of stupidity, I deleted them based on the experience I am about to tell you about. In summary of Sober Dating 1-4, I went through a series of experiences in which I was trying to decide what I was willing to do about my dates drinking and their personalities. I wrote about some of the potential bachelors with some details and what I thought about those details.  I had a series of bad dates, as most people will end up having. The final date on this journey was terribly interesting. One of my favorite things about being sober is seeing the world through clear eyes. 

So, the final bachelor and I had a series of conversations via email and text. I got some rather interesting questions over email before he agreed to me. I was kinda wondering what provoked his questions, so I gave a rather stern answer to "Do you think telling the truth is important..." or something along those lines. It's a totally loaded questions. What do you think I am going to say..."Lying is the best!! I hate telling the truth, trust is not important at all!" So I jump and wanted to know what he motives were for asking such a question - either he didn't trust me or he just assumes I am the same as all other women he has dealt with that lie. Either way, I am in pissed off by it. He tells me it was just a general question when he wrote back. He didn't mean to make anything of it. I just mentioned I didn't like to get into big philosophical debates about anything until I actually meet someone to see if it's worth having the conversation.

First date went well. Second date was fun. As per the general pattern of this dating round, the third goes down the drain. He FINALLY admits after a few comments here and there that were kinda snarky that he had been reading my blog in which he was mentioned but not by name. He had texted me for one of the first times while I was on a date with another person and I think I told him I was at school. I didn't feel comfortable saying I was on a date, so I fibbed. He saw my entry that night. So, he spend some time telling me about how I am liar. Additionally, my thoughts about him (which I still stand by my perceptions of our conversations at the time) almost didn't get me a date. According to him, I should be lucky that he is even talking to me. At that moment, when he was telling me all of this, I almost bought into all of it. In a minute, I will get to why I didn't.

We watched a few movies and I found his general demeanor to be kind of aggressive. He kept asking me questions, in an effort I think, to trip me up to confirm in his mind that I was lying to him. I have to admit, my felt sick to my stomach when I was being called out, but at least I took responsibility. I told him I was sorry that what I said hurt his feelings. I was just talking about my thoughts and perceptions. I also told him that I didn't feel comfortable at the time telling him I was on another date when he texted me. I felt about the size of pea. I also mentioned that I was surprised when I learned more about him and my perceptions were incorrect.

Immediately, the next morning, I sent a text stating that I felt I had done too much damage to any potential relationship and I would not like to see him anymore. Thanks and good luck. I talked to my girlfriends about what happened and they agreed it was better that I cut things off. I came home that night and started to get really angry about being called out, etc. etc. I decided to check my phone to see if there was any response from him. Nothing. Nope. Not a thing. That is what got me thinking about everything related to this situation in other terms. 

First, I think he had something to prove to me. He was constantly fishing for things but never told me, "Hey I read your blog, I am not what you think I am...." Instead, he was playing games around it seeing if I would figure it out. "I am an IT guy, you know, you can't hide anything from me." Well, guys, if you know my email address or are my FB friend, you can find my blog pretty easily. Anyway, I don't think he was actually interested in dating me for the long term since reading my blog but felt a need to defend himself against what I had said. (For those of you who missed those entries, I accuse him of needing to be taking care of potentially because of family issues and his own medical issues. In our conversations it sounded like he was addicted to pain medications.....all of which were untrue, but those were my perceptions at the time). He got his chance to prove to me that he was different than that. Good for you, I am glad you got the opportunity.

Now, he frequently questioned my truthfulness. I owned up to what I did lie about. He did not. So, I practiced my 12 step life to the best of my ability by admitting I was wrong and attempted to make an amend to him. He used it as a piece of power to change the dynamic of the relationship and I felt that the minute he finally said he read the blog. I should consider myself lucky that he went out with me was his general message after that. I knew in my gut that I would have to spend any time going forward proving to him that I was trustworthy. The one place I am 100% truthful is this blog. Hell, the guy knew what I was thinking about him verbatim before we met! Actually,I wish I some beforehand knowledge from time to time! Other than that, I did not lie to him. But there was no convincing him after that. I deleted those blog entries out of guilt. I wish I hadn't but so goes life. We make decisions.

Lastly, I have learned that maybe I am not ready for dating like I thought I was. Or, at least, online dating. I often saw men saying "I don't want drama, I want someone how doesn't do this or that or the other thing....etc". Then I was reading an article telling me that online dating is probably a bad idea since people don't know what the hell they want - probably me included. People get to be so unrealistic. There is no person out there that is 100% truthful. People tell white lies. People exaggerate. There is no such thing as a drama free relationship. 

Also, I learned from all of this is that I stayed truer to myself than I ever have. I put my foot down when I couldn't tolerate behavior or personality issues. I am proud of myself for that. I am also pretty proud of myself that I didn't let this last bachelor keep me down for very long. I had pretty serious guilt for about 24 hours. I prayed to God for forgiveness and the ability to forgive myself. He threw in the added insight that maybe, just maybe, I was not the only person at fault here. So, needless to say, I am out of the dating world. I think the message is pretty clear to me that I am not ready right now for dating. Whatever will happen will happen. If it was meant to be, it will be. 

There are two reasons for moving my blog at this point. The scenario above gave me the final push to do something that I have been wanting to do for a while now. Get my own site! There is a link above for my FB site. I will get my Twitter link up there shortly. So, thank you for visiting my site. Please bookmark me! Follow me on FB and/or Twitter  to find out about new blog updates. 

Peace out, yo!

Let me put the disclaimer right out there to start with: This is strictly my opinion and my opinion only. I have no research or whatnot to back up my own opinion.

There are programs out there like methadone maintenance programs to help me heroin addicts sober. I don't know off the top of my head how successful they are, but in the grand scheme of treatment and sobriety, every little bit helps. With the treatment we have today, there is still only about a 50%-50% shot at actually getting sober. I believe this to be the reasons that insurance companies are not always hyped about paying for treatment services. I have heard on average it takes people 4-5 times through treatment to really get it. If that is true, we need some help.

So, there are a couple of medications out there like Suboxone, Antabuse and a few others that are suppose to be the more "take a pill, magical" cure. Antabuse makes people projectile vomit if they are taking it and choose to drink. Suboxone is a drug to assist with cravings and if people relapse, I believe Suboxone decreased the "high" sensation that people get. There are side effects and pretty grave ones if you ask me, but if you are so chronically ill and dying from your addiction anyway, why not try? One of the bummers here is that you have to be taking it to work. If I really really want to drink today and I don't care about the consequences, you can bet your last dollar bill, I am not going to take my Antabuse and do whatever the hell I want. Again, the work of recovery comes in here whether it be AA, religion, Women in Sobriety, counseling, addiction treatment, group therapy.....all of these have been proven to work when the patient is willing!

Here in lies the main problem with medication assisted sobriety: no medication, no pill can ever replace the work  that needs to be done in changing one's life. I just hope when people are put on drugs like this, they know that. If there was a pill to stop alcoholism, that would be wonderful, but we are far from that. So, there are some pretty hardcore abstinence advocates out there that don't believe if you are taking any synthetic time of drugs to assist with sobriety, you are not actually sober. I am inclined to disagree on this one. I take 2 anti-depressant which are artificially stimulating dopamine and serotonin in my brain, does that mean I am not sober? This is exactly what drug do, albeit on a much grander scale.....Additionally, I know opiate addicts who have had surgery and were prescribed opiates for pain management. They took the medications AS prescribed for the short term and immediately got themselves back to an abstaining standpoint. They do not lose their sobriety date in the eyes of AA. If an addict thought they had to suffer through surgical pain with tylenol....bad things start happening. It is when the drug starts to be abuse again (taken in higher doses, longer than prescribed, obtained illegally) - sorry you lose your date, time to start over.

I am of the opinion, good God, let's give a person any leg up we can to get them sober. The people I have seen in my treatment and in AA were, and still are dying from this disease. The annual cost of treatment, ER visits and the cost of nonproductive people are in the billions per year. A pill is in no means the end all and be all, but if it can reduce cravings and give a beaten down person a chance at getting sober, I say why not? I do think it should be short term in use. All those drugs unfortunately can be abused or sold on the streets. If I remember correctly, doctors have to receive a special certification to prescribe methadone and suboxone because of their abuse potential. Yes, it should remain highly restricted and not the first line treatment. In reality, the number of suicides, overdoses, etc related to substance abuse is on the rise way faster than the treatment accessible to people.

Personally, I would have liked a medication to help me get past those first 6 months. I got put into a monitoring program - that was probably one of the most helpful things to get me to a clearer mind. The brain is just really whacked out in the first 6 months. No matter how much I, personally, desired to be sober, I just couldn't get past my own addicted mind. I was still obsessed and making excuses left and right for why I needed to drink. I needed some major consequences. I got them, eventually. I fear to think what would have happened to me had I not taken the path that I did. I honestly think I would have attempted to move out of state and continued my drinking binge farther for the people who cared about me. If I had been offered a 3 month supply of a drug to help take craving off of the table, I would have taken it. If I had been offered a drug that made it impossible for me to feel drunk, I think I would have taken it. I don't really care if you think that I am sober or not doing this, I would have been trying to do what I thought I needed to do to stay sober.

Anyway, I will get off of my soapbox for the time being. Hope all is well with my readers out there, again, as always, I am grateful to have you.

XOXOXOX