Hitting A Soft Bottom

I haven't been writing very much recently other than papers for school which don't count as "real" writing in my book. Funny enough, the day after I launched this site and was ready to take over the blogging world, I lost my internet connection. My schedule is so crazy busy that when the only available appointments to come and fix it are Monday through Friday from 8-5, I cannot be there. I made a bit of an impulse decision to change companies. I picked up a little cable TV and a bit cheaper internet. Ironically enough, it doesn't work either and the first opportunity to fix that will come 22 days after I signed up. Good thing I hadn't cancelled my old service or no one would have heard from me for a month or more!

Anyway, on to bigger and broader topics here. I have been interning in a "real" intern position (by that I mean, I am running groups, doing individual counseling, viewed as a counselor....) for the past 3 months. I am also allowed to carry my own case load. It's been an eye opening experience on many levels. I want to talk about a few of those tonight. 

I realized, for one, that I am really in the infancy of recovery. I have been sober now for 3 years and 4 months now. To me, this is a HUGE amount of time considering I couldn't put more than a week to 60 days together since age 18. In reality, in this field....it's really not that long. Sometimes when I am sitting in group and my supervisor is running the show, I am taking more notes than the clients. He is very wise and worldly about recovery and wonder at what point, if ever, I will know as much as he does or feel as confident in my recovery. This semester I have been pushed to new limits. I am getting older and it is just not that easy to run 6 consecutive 12 hour days anymore. The foundation of my recovery has been shaken this fall. During a conversation with some so co-workers, the following statement came out of my mouth. "Hell yeah I am keeping my nursing license because if I relapse, I can still work as a nurse. Have to wait 2 years to start working as a counselor again." It caught my co-workers off guard, but I wasn't because that is exactly how I had been feeling for about a month. Bothers me now, greatly, because if I know anything, I know relapses start LONG before the drink is ever taken. Hence, the decision to cut back to a lower level program, etc. This is what young recovery is all about. I am in like my toddler years of recovery, cute and happy one minute, throwing a tantrum the next. I am back on the beaten path again and happy for all the decisions I have made for myself and my recovery in the past 3 weeks. As my group supervision counselor put it "if we don't have our health, sanity or sobriety, what do we have?"

Secondly, I was trying to figure out what to do about a certain client. In a conversation with a fellow intern, I ended up quoting Tyler Durden from Fight Club: "It's not until we have lost everything that we are free to do anything." Now, if you haven't seen the movie, he is talking about losing all material possessions and being free from consumerism. For some reason, I felt this applied to my client that maybe the client needed to lose everything before he felt compelled to do anything. The other intern looked up at me and said "they don't have to lose everything, they just have to decide when they have lost enough." It brought me back to my moment of clarity:

February 9th, 2010. I had been up all night talking on the phone with another nurse who worked overnights. I started to get to the "drunk" point of babbling about not wanting to live anymore, I was drunk, it was 5:00 am. I can't remember exactly what she said to me. I hung up the phone, sat in the corner on my office, stared at the cordless phone in my hand and knew there was one person that I could call that would help me. But if I called this person, the cat was out of the bag. I probably wouldn't be able to drink anymore. So, I mixed one more drink. At 6:21am, I called my Mom. She may remember what I said as I don't exactly but I believe it was to the effect "I need help. I drink too much." 

What was my bottom? What made me make that call? One of my instructors was talking about this on class on Friday. He said - you have a brain and you have a mind. The brain is totally hijacked by your drug. The brain is dependent, the chemistry is off, its addicted, it needs more. Your mind is thinking - this is not really a good thing. Man, I feel sick, I shouldn't do this anymore. Wow, you are making crappy decisions - guilty, shame, misery. The ID vs the EGO. I would say the last 6 years of my drinking encompassed this battle. Yes, no, no, yes, what the hell am I doing, get some more.....Toward the very end, I remember waking up for work one night, feeling terrible. I walked into my home office where I did all of my drinking. There was my 1.75 liter bottle with maybe 1/4 of a liter left. I kid you not, this was the conversation: "I am not drinking tonight. I feel so horrible....." (look at the bottle on the floor) "That is not going to be enough to get me drunk." All in the same breath. It's madness people.

What did I lose? I lost my sanity. I lost my marriage. I had lost some friends. I lost a normal life. It's a lot of to me, but compared to the stories I hear at AA and with my clients, my bottom was pretty soft. I still had a full time job with a full time income. I owned a condo in Minneapolis. I had a car and an active non-suspended license. I had never been in any legal trouble. A DUI probably would have helped me get into treatment sooner; however, I still thank God for not killing anyone, getting in an accident and lastly, thank you for not giving me the DUI I rightfully earned. Anyway, when I stepped on to the treatment floor on the first day, I cried for 4 hours straight. I was terrified. I was broken. I was addicted. I was getting help. I had a million questions. Lastly, all I wanted to do was go home, drink and act like I had never said anything to anyone. I knew in my heart there was no turning back. I ruined my own drinking.....(best thing that happened....) So, I really hadn't hit my full bottom until August 2010 when my nursing license was threatened. I honestly felt that if I didn't have that, I would have nothing to live for. It was the only thing I had left at that point that I was good at. I was a drunk, but I was a damn good nurse. That was bottom. To me, it was the only thing I felt good about. I treated my friends and family poorly. I firebombed relationship left and right. Work was my sanctuary. Please don't take that away from me......well, then get sober. And I did.

I know now that the bottom is really different for everybody. As a counselor my job is to help people see. I cannot change a person. I don't provide advice. I sit down across the table with my map for recovery. I show people where I think they fit on my map. They tell me where they think they are on my map. And, we have a conversation. I spend the majority of the time listening. When I called my Mom on that day, hearing myself say out loud to the first time to the one person who cares for me more than anyone else "I am drinking too much" - that was the moment it was finally real for me. Most of my clients tend to come to their own conclusions and plans. I can tell them what I observe and like I tell people about meetings...."take what you need and leave the rest" because there is no "one way" to do anything including recovery. 

I hope to be able to write some more again soon. I have missed my blog!!

Peace and love to all my readers out there!

Julie T.