Patiently Waiting

The past two weeks have been an interesting combination of action versus patience. Last week, I went to church for the first time in a long time. The women presenting the sermon gave one of those raw and vulnerable talks about wanting to give up, even to the point of praying for something to happen so she didn't need to continue forward. She followed that up with "how selfish" those thoughts really are. It was definitely something I needed to hear. 

If I have learned anything about myself in the past few years, it's when things start to get hard, I just want to be able to run away. I started that habit years ago, in college. When a job got hard, I just quit. I had no tolerance for failure and made situations out to be way worse than they actually were. These habits and thoughts remained me for a long period of time. My nephew asked me a few months ago "How many jobs have you had...." My mom had a reaction to the question since she had watched me change jobs about every 6 months for years and years. It was hard for her to see that because of insurance, income, etc. I told him I really didn't remember but over 15 for sure. When things started to get tough or I was so insecure that I couldn't take any feedback, I bolted. 

My nursing job that I still working casually now is the longest term position that I have ever had, coming up on 7 seven years in September. When I got put on my monitoring program, I needed to have my supervisor fill out a quarterly report on my performance. Even when I felt like I wanted to leave, I didn't want to go through explaining to a new employer what this was all about. Plus, my supervisor was so supportive of me and really understood the recovery that I was trying to achieve at that time. 

When I started with in substance abuse, I played out the same pattern. I have been in the field for officially 2.5 years and have had 4 jobs. Fortunately, I have found a job where I am quite content. I am hopeful that I can be more reasonable about this part of my life as things move forward. To me, "action" means changing something drastic. While that might be true in certain situation, it's likely not very true in world of employment. Making an impulsive decision to leave a job has several repercussions these days. Substance abuse has been a difficult field for me. I do enjoy it and have no plans to run. Occasionally, however, I get those thoughts of "why am I doing this? I don't know what I am doing, get me out of here! I can't handle this." 

What I took from the sermon last week is that the first place to start taking action is with my own thoughts. My thoughts are going to impact everything; from the way that I see things, the way I present things to the way that I react to things. During my time in DBT, I learned a lot about skills to "check the facts" on my thoughts, be mindful and aware of my thoughts. I was immediately back to this place when she was talking. If I can take some action here, my outwardly actions are going to be more impactful when I am coming from a reasonable and strong place.

We were also encouraged to listen and be open to the next steps that we need to take in life. I feel lost at times when it comes to this. For the past several months, I have felt restless. I feel like there is something missing. I am not sure exactly what it is or what I feel like I need. This message of taking action causes a strong response in me, however, I left feeling like "I know I want to, but what is it I need to be doing here???" It can be frustrating at times for sure.

Then, this week, our sermon was about patience. Again, I was brought back to my world of DBT. Being mindful, purposeful and present. In this world today, there are so many ways to instantly gratify our feelings and emotions. I am bored - here is my phone. I am hungry - here are 1,000 fast food restaurants. I am lonely - here is the internet. Alcohol was the one thing that addressed all of the above for me as I am sure it does for any other people. Taking the opportunity to learn to slow down, be present and enjoy the experience of the now is one of the greatest skills that I learned from DBT. In that moment, I am not experiencing any anxiety about the past, nor am I feeling worried about the future. I am just here. Right now. Right here. Enjoying my time. 

The message that really caught me tonight was about asking for things. I believe my Higher Power to be God. I pray frequently asking for my negative thoughts to be taking away, asking for me to be able to let go of what I can't control and also praying for others who are having a tough time. I ask for certain other things like maybe a relationship that I am happy with or to find a new activity that I love. When those things don't come to me, I get frustrated, even angry. "Why don't I get to be happy? Why can't I find this?" In the AA world, these types of thoughts are called a pity party. And they are selfish. I was reminded tonight that maybe I am to be learning something while I am waiting for some of these things to happen in my life. Maybe there is a lesson to learn or maybe now is not the right time because something bigger is coming along.

When I think about my most "successful" time in recovery, I think of 2012. I was feeling good, feeling very passionate and finally working toward the goal of getting a Master's Degree. I was looking forward to something and feeling a strong passion about joining the field. In some ways, I struggle with finally being here, working in the field. I underestimated how difficult certain aspects of my job were going to be. I went through this with nursing as well. I try to remind myself that not everything is going to be roses and rainbows. I need to also be in the field for a longer period of time before I really "know what I am doing." AKA Patience. 

Lastly, what I thought about in church was all the times that I prayed to God when I was drinking. I was demanding to be better. I was angry and bitter about my experiences. I wanted to know why God would ever allow someone to suffer like this. When I finally was ready to get sober, I was given everything. God was patient with me while I cursed his name and turned my back. God was patient while I tried to figure out what type of relationship I wanted to have with Him. God was also patient as I made decisions that were not supportive of being the type of person that I wanted to be. It's time for me to extend some of that patiences to God now. If I become overly consumed, thinking about the two or three things that I want and want right now, I might miss a message about a path that gives me more happiness than what I think I might have with these 2 or 3 things. 

I have a goal this next month. I want to be more aware of my thoughts and challenge the negative ones. I also want to be more quiet in my time to listen. I feel a need to be open to listening. I hope that will address some of my restlessness. 

Hope all is well out there for everyone!
​Julie