I usually have a pretty clear idea of what I want to write about. For this entry, I have some thoughts and some ideas. Bear with me, though, it might take a bunch of twists and turns, especially since I have not posted anything since May of this year. So, let's begin.....

I finished up teaching a mental health clinical rotation in May. While I adored the students, I really felt a pull to teach on the classroom side. My passion is teaching in that capacity. The feedback from the students was nearly tear-jerking - they were incredibly kind. As I moved into the summer, the requests started coming in to do more clinical rotations. I took a step back before answering, wondering if I was a bit too new and without enough experience to be requesting a classroom position. Plus, I would not be coming on full-time, I would remain adjunct faculty. Fortunately, my conclusion was - "well, ask. The worse they can say is 'no' and they want you for clinical...." So, I asked. The initial answer was "we don't have that available this semester, but maybe in the Spring." Two weeks later, it turned into "we have 2 sections that need and instructor." Yahoo! I promptly accepted.

August is my favorite month of the year. I celebrated 14 years of continuous sobriety this year When I think back to all those years ago, it's hard to believe I didn't think there was a life beyond drinking. I rarely ever think about it now. If I do have a thought, it is entirely fleeting and gone as soon as it arrived. I do think recovery gets easier over time. Life changes, maturity changes, friends change. As much as I don't like change, everything really needed to change to support doing something totally different. Changes don't feel so scary. In fact, I think I have more of a desire to keep things changing to steer clear of boredom. Mostly healthy decisions, still some struggles with keeping my work/life balance in place. For those who know me, I am still trying. Not there yet, but trying.

Then....the Fair! I love the MN State Fair. I get to spend two days with my favorite niece and nephew, doing whatever the heck we want, eating too much, creating memories, and taking a really long nap afterwards. The experience changes every year as the kids grow older and have different areas of interest. By taking two different kids on two different days with two totally different ideas of what makes the Fair fun means I get to see basically everything!! I will continue this tradition until both of them tell me they don't want to go anymore! :) 

In late August, started with the teaching position. I knew this semester was going to be a bit bumpy as I develop my content and refine my presentation. I love teaching already. I'm not sure the students know what to make of me just yet. I am one of their very first nursing instructors, teaching them mental health. They are quiet but they seem interested. No one is obviously falling asleep, so I take that as a "win".

Well, let's get into September. All was very well as I was gearing up for the final days before the fall semester started. I was getting a little stressed out because I wasn't as prepared as I had hoped I would be. Labor Day rolls around and I decided - I am having a lazy day. I am doing nothing. And that's what I did until the afternoon. I decided to order my "once-a-month" takeout order. I have done that same order once a month for about 4 years?? I say this as partial context for the next series of events. 

At 5:00pm, I started to have abdominal pain. My takeout delivery came at 4:30 and I had eaten just a few bites of food. I thought it would pass but continued to intensify. I started vomiting which I rarely ever do. I started sweating profusely and feeling really faint. I called 911 at 5:19pm. I started getting confused and in that confusion, I decided I was too hot and stripped off all of my clothes. I lost consciousness at some point and the police broke in which I was grateful for because I sure wasn't getting to the door. I was found on the floor, naked, drenched head to toe in sweat, The nice EMT tried to throw a dress on me which only got around my neck. I started getting combative in my confusion. I remember being take into the ambulance. I was too sweaty to have EKG leads put on. I heard "I can't find her blood pressure at all." "Look what happens when I pump up the cuff," I found out later, that my hand turned purple when they started pumping up the cuff. I arrived at the ER with a phone and dress around my neck (I was covered with blankets).

I got into the Emergency Department. I knew it was serious when I had 5-8 people running around me, calling my name, giving me a sternal rub, and asking me what the heck happened. I got slammed with 2L of fluid through two large-bore IVs. Someone finally found my blood pressure after that of 62/38. My lab work was showing I was in septic shock. My white blood cell count was mildly elevated and certainly not elevated enough to warrant a whole system meltdown. I was transferred up to critical care. I arrived with blue lips and white toes and fingers. I had limited profusion. No one has a clue - I was just sort of being treated broadly with antibiotics and fluids. I stayed stable throughout the next day. When I talked to the doctor, he wanted me off of the antibiotics to see if any of the symptoms came back. If they did - back on the antibiotics, if not, no need to be on them. Again, I stayed stable. I was transferred to med/surg for general observation. I stayed entirely normal. I was "medically stable" so I was sent home the next day.

I got great care and I know the staff was just as nervous as me about going home. I became deathly ill and no one knows why. It was hard to even suggest anything more to work up. All the imaging that they took (abdominal CT, chest x-ray, Echocardiogram, EKG continuous monitoring) was clear. My labs were totally normal by day 2. Blood cultures were negative at 48 hours and 5 days for any infection. What the hell just happened? None of us will ever know.

I missed work for a week and missed the first week of classes. I rested a lot, Met up with my doctor who tested a few more things and changed a medication I was taking on the 1/1,000,000 chance it could have contributed to whatever that was. It does make me a little nervous when anything hurts or I don't feel quite right. As time is passing, however, I am becoming less nervous. My therapist kept telling me - yes, that was traumatic. You don't have to call it anything other than that. Let yourself feel how you need to feel. Don't stay here though. Staying in that spot doesn't change anything that happened. Not moving forward means missing out on life. I didn't see the light or anything but I was very aware that I was critically ill. If I had waited another 20 minutes, to call 911 the outcome might not have been as good as it was. I survived so I have to take that for something. 

I spend the past few weeks getting into the swing of teaching. I am enjoying myself and already know some of the changes I will make for next semester. Annoyingly, my back started giving me some issues last week. I have known about these back issues for quite some time. I have been in nursing for over 20 years with a lot of years in direct care. Of course, when I was 25 I didn't listen to all the "ergonomically correct" way to do my job. All these years later I am paying for it. I have two bulging discs in the lower back and two bulging in my neck. I started PT and other therapies in July and made HUGE strides. Suddenly, I can't get out of bed and turning my neck sends searing pain down my arm. End up in orthopedic urgent care on Thursday. The X-ray showed two muscle spasms that were so tight the muscles were pushing my spine to the left. Awesome. I am on a steroid burst right now and feeling a million times better. I will start again with PT again next week. 

This month has focused my view on the changes I need to make that I am dragging my feet about. I think I just said a few paragraphs ago that change isn't as bothersome as it used to be. I suppose I should qualify that: Change doesn't bother me if I like the change and want to make the change. I am being sort of vague here and I will need to remain that way until I decide AND follow through with some changes I need to make. I'll keep you posted.

Be good!
Julie

I feel like I am coming into a new phase of being. If you know me on a personal basis, it is very clear that I have devoted my life to a great extent to working. Since 2008, I have never had less than 2 jobs at any given time. Since 2017, I have held 3 jobs for a majority of these years. Also, if you know me personally, I talk incessantly about reducing my work hours and not going back to school. And just as often as I say that, I pick up another job, go back to school, and decide to work overtime. People don't believe me anymore when I say that is what I really want to do. I totally understand why. If recovery has taught me anything, actions speak louder than words.

For years I have been talking about this feeling that something bigger or better is missing in my life. I first starting to feel this way when I was contemplating what to do after several years in transplant nursing. I felt that I had hit the pinnacle of my LPN with this job. Nothing was going to be cooler than transplant. I wasn't going to be able to go anywhere without my RN or BSN within that specialty. That is when I decided that I needed to go back to school and get my masters (for the first time). That was a goal I had set for myself. Because of the timing related to my recovery, I felt a draw to help people in a different way than I was doing in nursing. It didn't take me very long to have a bit of buyer's remorse. I was on a high (no pun intended) of answering a calling I thought I heard. 

My decisions related to school are often quite impulsive. I see something that I feel drawn to and the way to get there is to get training. I did that with my LPN, MA in counseling, RN, and ultimately my MSN. It almost happened with me signing up for a doctorate program a few weeks ago. My cooler head prevailed and I am NOT going that route. The educational desire seems to quell that feeling of something bigger and better coming along. No doubt all my educational experiences have assisted with my career and being able to accomplish some pretty special things. Yet, five degrees and multiple jobs changes later, the itch is still there. When I hear U2 singing "and I still haven't found what I am looking for...." my heart aches a little bit feeling much like that for over 10 years.

My therapist is pushing me to find additional layers in my life that have absolutely nothing to do with school or my job. I am quite content with being a homecare nurse. My contract for teaching is coming to an end in a few weeks. I plan to pick up only two shifts a month with the third job for spending money over the summer. I know things that I do miss - hanging out with friends, spending time with my family, relaxing. Working up to 74 hours a week has prevented me from even entertaining the idea of any of that. In fact, I scheduled myself so insanely that between April 24th-May 12th, I have two days off. That was done totally by me. I don't know if I am beginning to feel my age, but I physically can't keep up with this pace and I am only 1/2 way through. 

When I think about building in more free time, I also wonder what I want to do. I am often very inspired by people who woke up one day and said "this is it. I am following my dream......" They throw caution to the wind, trust that everything will work out, and go for it. I have seen people open an animal sanctuary, move to Africa to teach small business management, sell everything and live in an RV travelling around the US, and so on. I see people volunteering at the animal shelters, homeless shelters, and doing 12th step work. 12th step work is helping out others who are struggling with addiction. People have done all sorts of things - bring meetings to the jail, treatment and detox centers, give rides to people wanting to go to a meeting, sponsoring others, leading a meeting, making the coffee, etc. The opportunities are quite endless. I feel inspired by all of it. Oddly, when I look at my own life, I feel like I am pretty average in a lot of ways. I am not as involved with AA as I used to be. I have no energy for much other activity in my life. I work and sleep. Not terribly inspiring by my standards.

I felt inspired in early recovery. I felt a drive to help the world in some way. It was like the sun was shining after years of darkness. I had so many ideas and hopes of making a difference. The pathways I have chosen to make this inspirational feeling become an inspirational reality haven't been the right ones. My pathways have always centered around my career advancement. I don't regret having all of this education and career experience. I have done some pretty cool things over the year. I think I have to admit some defeat, though. Figuring out what this missing link might be is most likely not career related. 

I love writing this blog. I love writing actually. I am looking to engage in this process in the near future. More than one person has told me that I should write a book. I'm not sure exactly what story I would tell, whether my own or a creative story. My own insecurities come about as I step toward this idea. I am working to tempering my expectations of myself. If I were to write a book, it doesn't need to be a New York List Bestseller. If 10 people read my book, that would be super cool. I also get a sense of being overwhelmed by having a fairly large number of ideas. I need that guidance to help me through that process. When I think about reaching out for help, I get a sense of fear. My writing as it is now is extremely personal to me. I don't take feedback about it very well. I want to learn how not to perceive constructive feedback as a personal attack. I can be defensive for sure. If you have experienced that from me, it's not pretty. I get mean and go on the offensive. I perseverate for days afterwards about the perceived "attack", eventually get to an understanding that it was feedback and not an attack. Then I will go for a couple of days beating myself up for reacting that way. Now I have conditioned myself to steer clear of situations I know would absolutely require feedback. Now the whole notion of writing a book had become part of my avoidance protocol. All things related to this topic are a work in progress.

I am also looking into classes that having nothing to do with nursing or addiction recovery. When I thought about what I would like to learn, sign language popped into my head. The client I work with communicates with sign language. I don't know a ton and our vocabulary is pretty limited since other communication techniques are available. When I watch people use sign language, I find it fascinating. I have a goal to at least check out a community education class and find some good kid's videos on YouTube to start my pursuit. I learned a lot of German back in the day by watching kid's TV. My German vocabulary in the the beginning was that of a 2-year old so learning colors and objects were quite helpful. Too bad Dora the Explorer in German wasn't available back then. I even sort of enjoyed watching it with my niece and nephew. 

So, I am still working on diversifying my life. It's a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I have been in a survival mode for quite some time, waiting for the other shoe to drop. With selling the house, my finances are the strongest they have ever been. There is no monetary need to work this much. I want other things in my life so I don't need to work this much to fill time I would rather not spend alone. I am finally getting to the realization that my career isn't the only thing that can provide some inspiration into my life. 

I hope everyone is well!
​Julie

The move is complete. It was not the smoothest move I have done and I really felt my age this time around. That being said, I am very glad it is over and that I decided to go this route. Now that I am a few weeks out from closing on my previous condo, I am feeling great relief to be in a place where any maintenance concerns will be address as part of my rent and not require me to come up with thousands of dollars on the spot. Toward the end, I was getting concerned that the water heater was going, the dryer actually broke, and the heater which was only 5 years old was starting to make weird sounds. I couldn't get out fast enough. Fortunately, the route I went was an "as is" sale and I wasn't on the hook for fixing anything right before I left. 

The past month has been a bit on the crazy side so I haven't see everyone quite as much I was will in future. In general, I haven't really seen family or friends a ton in over four months. I started teaching clinical session for nursing students in February which has allocated Mondays to work. I work 3-4 days a week on my block schedule and still have a third job who is in need of some support. I have had a few weeks where I ended up working nearly every single day for 2-3 weeks at a time which flipping my nights to days with less than 24 hours to do so. Talk about feeling my age.....I don't rebound quite as quickly as I used to. 

Last summer, I started with a new therapist. I kinda dig her style with me. Direct, solutions-driven, gives me homework, etc. I told her that while the clinical teaching is going well, I really would like to teach in the classroom. When I look at job listings for those kinds of positions, I see that a doctorate degree is required or strongly preferred. Guess where my mind went - could I do just one more degree? I mentioned this thought in my last appointment. My therapist had some options. Many of which I do agree with and she set forth a challenge for the next several weeks. I have to "diversify my life". 

She told me that highly independent and high achieving individuals are likely to seek academia as a way to feed that part of my life that tends to get bored and restless. I am good at school. I like getting positive feedback from instructors about my research efforts. Then, we talked about how strongly my identity is associated with being a nurse and a person in recovery. I feel strongly about what I do and what I know so my way of integrating those passions into my life was through getting additional education and ultimately working in those fields. The most memorable quote from this session: "No more jobs, no more school." That has been my pattern for years and years now - probably since I was about 24ish? I want to do something career-wise, it requires specific training, figure out how to manage financially, and then go to school for the training. I don't have a single moment of regret from going the nursing route other than I wish I would have believed in myself a bit more and got my RN sooner. Otherwise, nursing school is kind of my jam. I do carry some regrets about the other master's. I think if I had waited longer to enroll I would have had more perspective about the potential hazards of going down this path. That being said, I did meet some amazing people who have become life-long friends. That does make it worth it.

Because I was able to get some proceeds from my home, I am virtually debt-free now. I also received a substantial raise at the beginning of the year. Minnesota increased the reimbursement rates for home care nurses which was passed along, in part, to us. With these two factors, I don't have a need for three jobs. Financially, I don't need it. There is not a need for instructors over the summer, so I will have those days back. I pick up as I can with the other position. My schedule with my full-time gig won't change. And I don't really need to pick-up overtime. Here in lies my challenge: Do some soul searching. Try to understand what parts of me are not feeling content (not unhappy, just restless/bored). Find something that is NOT another job, NOR another degree to do. I sit back and read these previous sentences and think "it really shouldn't be that hard right?" Well.......I've been in the same pattern for over 20 years. When I am bored, I go back to school. I was quite unhappy in a lot of employment situations previously so looking for and starting a new job is like breathing for me sometimes. I also get a pretty big rush out of the interview process, getting a new offer, and showing off how quickly I can learn and adapt to an environment. I like where I am at with my job. I love nights, I adore the client with whom I work, and my environment. I'm planning to stay for at least 3-5 more years assuming my body holds out. All of my needs are covered within my nursing world/career. 

When I think about how to add something different from my life, you might be surprised that I don't know what I like to do outside of nursing and some recovery activities. I know that I really do like writing so updating this blog is one thing I would like to give more attention going forward. I might look into taking a creative writing class. I have wondered about the possibility of writing a book. I have been subscribed to a book writing newsletter for probably at least eight years. I may take a look at that path. I would actually have some time and ability to do something artsy like a pottery class. All of these things are infinitely less expensive than a new degree and might give me motivation to explore other things besides being a nurse and a recovering alcoholic.

I have known for a really long time that my identity is highly linked to my career. I have been getting feedback about that for SO many years. I know that about myself. Then, when I decided to be open about my recovery, I have developed a strong sense of identity there too. At least I am two-dimensional! In reality, I am not going to be a nurse forever. Some day I will retire (I hope). What else is there about me? What else do I feel passionate about? What satisfies my thrill-seeker side? I hope that I will be in recovery forever. And, there is much more to me than a person who has a severe problem with alcohol use. I am proud of my recovery and there are aspects of my experience that serve me well on a daily basis. Again, what else is there about me? There is a point at recovery when it is not about the fight of staying sober, it's taking advantage and building a new life that doesn't trigger my desire to handle stress that way. I have done a lot of work in this area. Time to circle back, again, and do some more digging. 

Wishing everyone well and hope to be writing more regularly!
​Julie

If there is one thing that I have learned in these years of recovery is to be in the moment and don't be afraid to admit that some things are just not meant to be. I purchased this home in 2018 with the idea that rent had skyrocketed and it was in my better interest to spend that kind of money toward something that could build equity. And that did happen. The housing prices went up so quickly that if I had waited even one more month, I couldn't have afforded to live here. 

I was very ambitious in the beginning - painting, changing out light fixtures, changing out flooring, and general decorating. I was really accomplishing a lot and had fun making this place my own. Then......I broke my foot in May 2018. My motivation never recovered and everything in this place has been in a holding pattern for several years. I was extremely busy during the pandemic with work and school. Then school continued. Then school was done, but I am back to working three jobs (mainly by choice.)

In November, I started feeling this pull of wanting to move. One of my greatest passions and joy is my family. When I moved to Oakdale, I moved her because it was close to work. As the years have moved on, my work is in the northern part of the cities and I am almost an hour away from my family. I love my home and my neighbors. However, being this far from my family for so long has taken its toll. Not to mention, the remaining projects are going to be potentially costly (upwards of $20,000) and will force me into more debt despite the equity I have here. Working three jobs with my full time job being at night leaves very little time that people could do work on my place since I sleep primarily during the day. 

I looked into many different options and the option that made the most sense in my situation was to sell to an investor. I will get back what I put into the place and a few extra dollars which will essentially wipe out all of my debt (mainly from the upkeep of this home - new garage door, new furnace, new air conditioner, new dishwasher, plumbing visits, and three association assessments for $4,500). Just when I would get a little cushion, something else broke or needed attention. The stress has been lingering over me for years now and I made some commitments to myself for 2024. 

My commitments include spending more time with my family, being debt free, and travelling. In one transaction, it will all be taken care of. I will be moving to St. Louis Park. I do have expensive taste but I found a place I really like and I will be a mere 15 minutes from my family. My excitement is super high right now. Good thing too because I have to move in the next 5 weeks! Renting makes sense for me. Being a single woman homeowner with minimal knowledge of anything home improvement related has not been a great experience for me. Many have done and succeeded. Not me. At least in this scenario, I receive what I need to move on and this place can be redone for the market. Bonus, since it was purchased by an investor, I can leave anything I don't want. I don't have to clean. No showings. Nothing. Just go. This feels like the biggest "RESET" button ever and I love it. 

I have been blessed this year with a significant raise with my homecare job which will allow me to not have to depend on any additional income to survive. I can truly work when I want to and not worry that I "need" to be working. Also in November, there were layoffs at my secondary job which lead to an impulsive decision to apply for a teaching position. I got it! So far, I like it. I am teaching in a clinical setting which is nice, although my true preference would be to get into teaching didactic courses. In the meanwhile, I will be gaining the appropriate experience so my longer term goals. I will likely continue with my other position until I have a better feel for my next career steps. I can tell you my priority will be to back off the total number of hours per week and be with others. With the looming threat of something else breaking, I was too nervous to take off "too much" time and be in yet another financial straining moment. 

Homeownership is not for the faint of heart. I am in awe of people who are able to manage a home in addition to other life requirements. It as time for me to raise the flag of surrender and do what is the best for me. 

Peace,
​Julie

I joined a women's sobriety group on Facebook since a few that I had joined over the years have gone fairly quiet. This group has more than 45,000 members which, needless to say, the group is VERY active. There is a wide array of experiences in the group. Some are starting out with an hour or two of sobriety, while the longest sobriety I have seen was well over 40 years. It has been interesting to see how everyone got to where they are and what they struggle with in this recovery process. It gets me thinking about my early recovery and how all the feelings and anger were so overwhelming. I see a lot of people experiencing this exact thing. What is early recovery like?

After I got through detox the first time in early 2010, I was actually feeling pretty decent. The detox was pretty difficult for me. I had drank for a long time and large amounts. Getting all that alcohol out of my system was a relief in some ways. I went into treatment, nervous, anxious, and CLEAR. I was seeing life as life was and I wasn't very sure how I was going to get through this process with never drinking again. If you are a long-time reader of my blog, you will remember me saying in more than one entry - I don't hate alcohol. I love it. Too much. More than anything at that moment I realized I was going to be in treatment for 3 weeks, I wanted to drink. I figured I could make it until the end of treatment. I was going to try. But no alcohol ever again was not in the cards. I couldn't see it yet.

After treatment, I looked better and I really did feel better. I was in the "pink cloud" part of my recovery. I feel so great! Wow! I can see the world again! Why didn't I do this sooner?! Everything is amazing! Professionally, I heard these words on several occasions and I said them myself more than once. Then, the anhedonia. This term, in a very simply way, means I cannot feel pleasure with anything. You could stick me in the world largest candy store with a $1,000 gift card and I might be able to crack a bit of a smile. Give that to me today? I would be jumping around like a 6 year-old kid in glee. Not then, though. My brain was a chemical mess. I went from feeding my brain chemicals to numb feelings only to have those same chemicals intensify them. My brain stopped naturally producing those chemicals because I overloaded my system with them. Bye, bye alcohol. Bye bye chemicals. Bye Bye happiness. It takes the brain about 6-12 months to re-regulate after addiction takes hold. The first year of recovery is the hardest, by far, because that hill is steep. 

Early recovery meant I HAD to look at the mess I made of my life. For me, I was three years post divorce, looking at foreclosing on my home with thousands of dollars of debt. The number of friends that ran from me when I went into treatment was extraordinarily painful. I felt very severe rejection during that time. My work life was stable and I did have a few friends. However, it was hard to see much of the positive at this point. After 60 days, I had a case of the "fuck-it"(s). If life is going to feel this bad and suck this bad, I should just drink. And I did. It didn't help. Treatment ruined my drinking. Well, in reality, drinking ruined my drinking but I was more than happy to blame it on treatment. 

Back and forth between home, work, and detox until the board of nursing monitoring program came into play. I am truly amazed by people who can get sober without much of external accountability or motivation. Not everyone needs someone breathing down their neck with a potentially catastrophic consequence to stay sober. I sure did. I didn't think enough of myself to think that I was worth staying sober for. I did, however, find it reasonable to stay sober for my nursing license. I loved nursing back then, and I love it now. Not a bad motivator and I am no longer ashamed to admit that it was the one thing that pulled me out of the horrid decision-making. I love my family and I love my friends. I couldn't figure out the way to get sober at that point for them. If I had asked for accountability from them, I am sure that I would have fared better. I didn't want to do that to them, nor was I ready for it. The board of nursing program "made" me ready. Ready or not! You have to do this if you want to practice! 

My first 12 months were a combination of "WOW - this is the longest I have been sober since I was 17" and "I hate everything". I was trying to be proud of staying sober, but I was doing it in a lot of secrecy. It was I think 6 or so months before I could be honest with my co=workers that I had been in treatment. I was really ashamed of that. They were generally pretty supportive. They would say things like "you? Really? I never would have guessed!" I was fairly decent at staying off of people's radars. I lived alone, I worked nights basically with limited human contact. I could get away with a lot. My brain always seemed to go there when people said that. Now, I try to stay away from the idea that I "got away with it" for so long. People knew something was wrong. Eventually I would have wound up in jail, fired, or worse. I was marching toward death.

I started to feel better around 6 months. I decided to stay in treatment and therapy for the longer-term. I don't think I could have worked through 30 years of stuff in 12 weeks of treatment. I had to build an entirely new foundation for myself. How was I going to deal with hard times? How was I going to deal with good times? What do I do with all these feelings I feel now? Who am I? I started to feel like recovery was possible and kind of exciting. I liked doing the reflection work and connecting with my value system again. It doesn't take long to disconnect from all of it when alcohol or drugs are involved. I was starting to look forward to some of the building I needed to do to get a solid path and move forward. At that time, I found AA helpful. I enjoyed the social aspect of it and being able to walk into a room where everyone just "knew" my life and I didn't have to try to explain all of the craziness. I didn't work the steps as formally as others. I worked on and off with a sponsor. During this period, though, I found DBT to be the most helpful for me. Some of the principles of AA overlap quite well with DBT so I used them together to figure out new ways to see and experience the world.

When I say this, I am absolutely not kidding -- At day 365 of being sober, I felt like I could finally breathe. I made it to my first year. My brain felt like it was functioning again and at my "normal". I still had a lot to work through. That being said, I worked so hard to build that foundation during that first year so that I could actually do that work. Having the external accountability got me there. I will tell you that there were many of times I thought about giving up and throwing in the towel. Having the monitoring program there help me to make good decisions until my brain could wrap itself around a life of not drinking. 

Thirteen years later, I don't think in terms of "never drinking again". I can't think of it like that or it becomes too overwhelming. What I know is that I don't want or need to drink today. I do know that if I go back, I will pick up right where I left off. My body will not be able to handle drinking again. So, when I wake up and look at whether or not I want to be sober today, my real decision is life or death. While that sounds dramatic, it is the reality in my recovery. 

Love to you all! 
Julie

Time seems to be moving faster and faster as each year comes to a close. I had a great holiday season and I sincerely hope all of my readers did as well. The holidays can be a really difficult time for many, especially if we experience loss, unanticipated changes, or loneliness. I have felt fortunate for many years, with this year included, that I have a great family to spend time with and great friends to share the holiday cheer with during this season. 

2023 came and went so fast, I am almost having an issue trying to think of everything that has happened this year! I had a lot of success academically and professionally. I am really excited to drive into clinical teaching in February. When I thought about what I wanted to do in the twilight years of my nursing career, I knew I really wanted to teach. I also have this huge passion to teach others about mental health and substance use disorders. When I completed my education in June, I didn't think that I would be accepting a position so soon that is exactly the combination I was hoping for! I am a bit nervous as bringing students to the floor can be a challenge; however, these students have been around for a little while and the mental health nursing rotation is really important so I am trying to keep my confidence up and keep my fears in check.

I have also been challenged by my new therapist to expand my personal horizons. For me, I have been single for a long time. I have had some intermittent relationships here and there, but generally have spent the last 15 years mostly single. I also don't have children. I feel like with this mix, the career becomes a central focus in life. On more than one occasion, I have had people encouraging me to find my life outside of my career. I take great pride in my career and feel it is a large part of my identity. That being said, I can be something else on my "off-time".

It was probably about a year ago when I started to subscribe to YouTube music. With that subscription, I get YouTube content without ads. Wow, YouTube is a wild compilation of all sort of drama, education, theories, humor, cat videos, etc. I have been actually inspired by some of the content creators to consider doing my own content. I am in the very beginning stages of looking into this. I have found quite a few great creators that talk about addiction and recovery. I am thinking it might be worthwhile to throw my hat in the ring. I am not sure that I have anything new to say. But, like many other creators, I have experiences and stories about what life is like in active addiction and the life afterwards. I am not looking to make money or have 1 million subscribers. I am interested in having a platform to talk about my experiences. 

One of my goals in 2024 is to get this up in running. It may be on YouTube or I may find another avenue that is more my style. I should be able to start this up without major cost or significant time. I will keep you all posted if you are interested in some video essays. Since I have over 10 years of entries on this site, I was thinking about just taking a random entry and looking back at what my topic of the day/week/month was back then and how I might see things now. 

I have some other goals of 2024 that are going to require much more planning and effort. I have to remind myself to be slow and steady and not burn myself out. I will be working quite a bit from February through May between three jobs. After this first semester, I am going to reevaluate everything in June. I want to get to a point of being more responsible with my money and create more savings. I should be easily able to do this between all different sources of income during this period. I also want to start attending to my home again. I had such great momentum in 2018 when I bought it. I did a lot of updates, but there are more than need to be done. I am toying with the idea of selling my place and moving closer to my family. Fortunately, there are a lot of things in my favor AND I don't have to move anywhere unless the deal is right for me. It's hard to be on the polar opposite side of the Cities from my family. So, it is something on the list to look at diligently this year.

Another goal is to get back into writing. I look at my blog and see the time lapse between entries. When the renewal comes up for this site, I often think about not renewing. I fear, however, if I did, I wouldn't write much going forward. I think that would be a huge loss for me. Most of the time, this blog is part of my therapeutic  process. I having something on my mind, I decide I am going to take a few minutes to write out a blog, see where it goes, and often times come to some type of resolution. So, I will a little more attention to my writing.

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog! I really appreciate all the feedback I have received over the years. I have connected with a lot of people who had questions about addiction and recovery. I am always happy to chat if you have questions or concerns about someone in your life. 

Sending lots of love in 2024!!!

​Julie


 

I have been attending therapy for more than 15 years. Now, most people might assume if I need to engage in a service this long, it must not work. I have not attended sessions weekly for 15 years, some periods of time, I would stop in once a month or every few months. It was a nice place to have to be sure things are remaining stable. I had been attending monthly for quite some time, especially over Covid lockdown. Once I left the counseling field and was back in school, I was fairly happy/stable and didn't need much support. Recently, I have returned to weekly session beginning this summer. Part of that was getting a new therapist and having some time to get to know each other. More of it is this little gray cloud that seems to hang over me. It's not a black, stormy cloud, but a cloud that seems to be blocking my sunshine in life.

As I have mentioned before, I like this new therapist. She is action oriented and I get assignments on the regular. Her and I have been drilling down some areas of concern for me right now. I feel sort of listless and unmotivated. Many things that I have historically liked to do just don't motivate me. Some accomplishments I have recently completed didn't give me the normal "high" of feeling pretty good for a while. My therapist has suggested social engagement, exercise, listening to my body, etc. Kind of the "normal" things I have engaged in the past to help through times like these. I have done most of these things -- writing, going out, mild exercise. I just don't feel right. For lack of better description, I feel blah.

What I am describing is the definition of depression, Losing interest in previously enjoyed activities. Struggle to derive joy from otherwise joyful things. I expressed my frustration by these symptoms. My job is finally "normal" without huge amounts of stress or drama. I have some days off so that I can do some of things I want to do. I have great friends and finally some financial means to do more than I have been able to afford. Yet, on my days off, I find myself staying in bed, not really doing much. Napping on and off. Each week, I set out of a list of things to do -- organizing, grocery shopping, laundry, dishes -- you know, adulting type things. Yet, I keep pushing everything off until I am returning back to work, having accomplished absolutely nothing. I did manage to do a few cleaning things a few weeks ago. Normally, I would feel better walking out to a clean house. Nope. Didn't seem to matter. Didn't feel better for finally doing it. Ugh.

So, we jumped into a rabbit hole of the last 10 years of my life. My early recovery, while difficult, was an exciting time for me. I had the constant stimulation of working on myself, finding a new life, and I was working transplant which satisfied part of my thrill seeking side. The downward spiral started in 2013 when I was 1/2 way through graduate school - round #1. I started to realize that I had made a huge mistake and a quite costly one at that. I followed my heart instead of my gut. I started carrying regret with me at that point, My first couple of positions were a disaster. Then I got the job at the county which was a five year position for me. By my standards, that is a lifetime to stay somewhere for 5+ years on a full-time basis. Going into this position, I had this nagging feeling about my place in that career. 

I finally started to break under the pressure of that position in 2018. The position, in and of itself was stressful, but coupled with horrible supervision, I think something in me actually broke. My confidence was totally shaken. I started questioning my every move. Endured more poor behavior than I normally would, assuming that I couldn't function properly in this career. I had returned to weekly counseling just to keep me afloat until I moved on. I don't know that I ever really "dealt" with the inner core beliefs that had developed during those years. I walked out of that part of my life with a lower sense of self, feeling lost, and experiencing some deep regret/heartache. It would have probably been a good idea to start processing these feelings when I left, but then Covid hit, my nursing job went nuts, my health was repairing, and I was in school full time. I shoved everything to the side and went back into survival mode.

Now, I feel like I am still carrying some of the burdens I picked up from this period in my life. When I think about dating, I start looking at myself and start thinking -- the kind of person I am interested in wouldn't like tattoos, or someone who is overweight, or works nights, or doesn't have the best fashion sense. I have become embarrassed of myself both physically and emotionally. I look back at previous relationships and I feel like all of my insecurities were validated. What self-esteem I used to have to power through that is now gone or incredibly diminished. I struggle to see how this person (me) could ever think to be successful in most any relationship - friend or otherwise. 

I don't write these things for people to feel sorry for me. I hope it might provide some insight to a mind with depression. More so, these are beliefs that I have allowed to infiltrate my life and I am feeling ready to move on and get back to my "normal" state. I am seeking multiple avenues to deal with this in addition to therapy. It may be time for a medication change. I am 1,000% terrified to do this, but I also know that my medications are an incredibly important piece to this puzzle. As I am barreling towards 50, my hormones are changing, my body is changing. I started the medications I am on now over 10 years ago. The last change attempt was horrific so I am holding on to that assuming it will be the same this time. I am, however, willing to try as living in this gray, mundane, blah-ness isn't cutting it for me right now. I have a million interest and ideas of things I would like to do. Yet, I am sitting, doing nothing, and feeling unhappy about that.

I am wishing everyone peace out there.....

​Julie 

I celebrated 13 years of continuous recovery in August of this year. The distance of time between now and my last detox visit seem like 100 years ago. So much has happened during these years of recovery. I am grateful to have so many years of recovery under my belt. In those early years of recovery, I struggled to figure out what life was supposed to feel and look like without use. How do you have fun? Where do you go to be social? Do you ever laugh? Is this sobriety thing supposed to be fun? At the time, it sure didn't feel like it. 

In the early years of recovery, I felt a desire to connect with myself -- values, morals, motivation. I was thrilled with finding out things about myself that I had either forgotten or simply lost because of the fog of substances. Especially toward the end of my drinking days, I knew that I was living against my personal moral and values code. What I felt compelled to do sober was lost as soon as I started drinking. My behavior while drinking was in direct opposition of the person I thought I wanted to be. I was very secure in my identity of being a nurse. In fact, it was probably one of the few things I felt even remotely passionate about in those early years of swimming through new emotions and experiences. 

I looked at some of previous blog entries during the first few years of recovery. I talked a lot about finding new ways to deal with the world and what was important to me. I stumbled upon my entry about my last day of intensive outpatient treatment in early 2011. I was proud to finish the program and have my graduation. While most people talked about being proud of me and being happy that I was doing OK, more than one person, including my boyfriend at the time had some concerns about my identity. I still remember being annoyed with people telling me that I needed to expand my horizons beyond that identity. Every experience, every emotion, every decision appeared to be based on the perspective of being a nurse. "I should know better, I am a nurse." "The only other time I felt this kind of panic is when a patient coded and I had to do CPR." "I have to complete this program, my nursing license depends on it." On and on..... 

I believe I tried to expand those horizons, especially when I headed back to school to move my career in another direction. The nursing background would certainly be helpful, but I would be doing something different. If you have been reading my blog for the past several years, I started to realize that my decision to move careers into substance abuse counseling was premature and seemingly regrettable shortly into this transition. So, I ended up grabbing onto one of the things that made me feel professionally secure -- being a nurse. I didn't ever stop being a nurse, in fact, even my counseling approach at times encompassed my nursing perspective. I was also criticized by other counselors in behavioral health for clinging onto this identity more than I should.

Rolling around to 2020, I decided to jump in head first back into nursing both professionally and personally, I obtained two degrees in less than three years, both in nursing and have secured two positions that keep my sanity. I would say that my identity is pretty solidified in my career. I am not sure that I really care so much anymore when people tell me to be something beyond that. Well, I am -- I have hobbies, friends, family, etc. etc. I travel, I write, I think about the "next big thing" I want to do. It isn't ALWAYS more school (although many of my close friends might argue otherwise. Hahaha!). 

I found myself talking about my desire to be on the downward trajectory of my career. I "retired" from transplant in 2021. Transplant was probably the coolest, hardest, craziest, and most rewarding kind of nursing I have ever done. I did have to wave the flag and admit that I am no longer able to keep up. The length of the shifts and the intensity of the work were more than I could handle. I was happy to leave on a good note and before something got majorly screwed up because I couldn't keep up. 

I entered homecare during my school years because of the flexibility of the schedule. I started as an LPN in 2021 and I am sitting her almost three years with my RN and not looking to go anywhere. This kind of nursing is still fairly physical and I work nights (150% by choice). I have at least a few more years left in me for this type of nursing before I really intend to look at teaching full time. I am seeking more calm environments these days. While teaching will have its challenges, I don't believe it can ever match the intensity of my transplant and/or counseling years. 

So, why am I mentioning all of this? Because of my new therapist. I like her so far. She is a "do" person. Let's talk and identify the issues and then figure out what can be done. I have decided that I am still in an existential upset about purpose in my life. I have worked up to four jobs at a time, I have attended school enough to obtain five degrees. I am not really interested in another degree. And....I am BORED. I do better when I have something to look forward to like a trip or time of friends. Currently, I have all of that and still have this lack of motivation and engagement in life. It such an odd place to be. I like my jobs. I have minimal stress from either position. I have great family and friends. I have a stable financial situation. I think this is what I was waiting for life to be when I first got sober. Now, 13 years later, this situation actually makes me restless for some reason. 

Being a nurse is cool but it is not the end all and be all of this life. I am passionate about recovery. I really like writing. I like teaching. I have a knack for public speaking. I am in pursuit of the next identity for myself. Like most people who have experienced addiction, I want "it" to happen right now. I have more than enough ideas. I have a large undercurrent of fear to start a different path. My career, as it stands right now, offers me a degree of flexibility to engage in other activities and hobbies. Tempering the fear and increasing my motivation are my current goals. Fear is more powerful in my life than I probably give acknowledgement to. This restless seems to be waiting for me to push through that fear and experience something entirely different. That seems like a more exciting place to be right now.

Take care and stay safe!
​Julie 

In June, I was notified that my therapist of many years was moving on in his career and closing his practice. I was pretty bummed about that as he really saw me through some really rough time as my counseling career was ending. I think the timing, however, was good as I was seeking something a little different in terms of what I was needing from therapy sessions. Overall, my mood is generally stable and the stress level is tolerable. I feel like I struggle more on an existential level these days with this nagging feeling of unfulfillment, restlessness, and unrelenting grief. I took the plunge with a new therapist and I have enjoyed our sessions. I told her I would like more action oriented therapy. I hear a lot that I am insightful. That is nice to hear, but now that I know what is bothering me, what do I do about it? 

She has challenged me week to week with assignments. In our last session, I talked about how I felt like I was answering some type of calling when I went to get my counseling degree. Recovery was and always will be a huge part of who I am and how I choose to live my life. I wanted to be in a position of advocacy and provide understanding to others about the process of addiction. While I don't think my story or recovery journey is unique, I had hoped that I could put words to the feelings and process of addiction in a way that helps those with addiction feel some hope and those who are watching someone struggle to understand. This blog was certainly a part of that calling as well. Unfortunately, about a year into the schooling process, I did feel like I had made a mistake. I wasn't well enough to be helping others yet, but at that point, it was too late to change course.

I still remain passionate about recovery. I am still trying to find that missing piece that fulfills that part of my life. I think I have proven to myself over and over that making a career out of addiction treatment is not right for me. I am sure that I made positive impact in other's lives. For that I am grateful. However, helping others came at a great emotional and physical cost to me that cannot be sustained. Even with returning to nursing, I am not in a place where I would like to explore behavioral health nursing. So, this route that I am taking with education feels like a better trajectory. I have a talent for public speaking; not to mention a huge passion for it. I do educational stuff right now and I do really enjoy it. Also enjoy working one-to-one with my homecare client. Career-wise, I feel like I am in a comfortable place.

As I was talking about my disappointment with my experience with counseling and a mild sense of regret that I pushed so hard in a direction that didn't work out, she encouraged me to think of ways to develop other avenues. I love writing. I love speaking. There has to be something out there that can utilize these strengths and make a little difference in this world. We talked about some various options and I will have a thing or two to explore in the next week. I am hopeful that I can overcome some of the issues that have prevented me from exploring these particular avenues. The number one issue being......me. 

If you spend any time with me, I will likely come off as reasonably confident and well-spoken. I have been described as intuitive, funny, caring, and empathic. To a certain degree, I would agree with most of those things. However, behind closed doors when I am alone, I don't really feel that way about myself. I think I spend too much time sleeping. I view myself as lazy for the condition of my home. I feel like I am pretty short-tempered at times and can be hurtfully sarcastic. I am extremely self-conscious and struggle with feelings of being overwhelmed by the most basic tasks. 

I don't think it is terribly uncommon to hold ourselves to a different standard than those around us. If I had a friend in the exact same situation as me, I would extent grace and compassion. I would assure the person that some steps are huge toward making things better. I have been pretty bad at extending that same grace to myself. I have these weird experiences when I start to treat myself a little bit better or try to extend some compassion -- something happens that validates the negative. About a year ago, I decided to put myself out there and see if I could meet someone. I did. Started off really well and I was starting to build some confidence that I could be a normal relationship. Fortunately, very quickly, I found out that he had an active warrant out for his arrest for 10!!!!!! felony counts for possession of child porn. What did I take away from that experience? I don't know how to choose a person to date. I had multiple responses to choose from and that is what I chose. I would rather be alone. Or would I?

When I think of putting myself out there in other ways like writing a book or starting a vlog, I become almost paralyzed by the THOUGHT of negative criticism. Even helpful, well-intentioned critiques cause me to be hyper-defensive. That defensiveness tells me the other person is bad. Once I get past that, then I am bad and I should never do this activity again. It is an extreme reaction. About two years ago, I started diving into that particular part of my personality. It drives me insane because intellectually, I get it. Not everyone will agree with me. Some people are telling me things to help me improve. Some people are just trolls. However, when I receive feedback, all of my insecurities come up and I feel a strong desire to attack the person or make 1,000 quick excuses for why I was not perfect or required feedback. It's a very ingrained process for me. I am hoping by taking some chances and try some new avenues that I might develop less of a response to criticism over time. I think the only way past this particular area in my life is to confront it head on. And it does scare me.

Well, I will keep you all posted as I move forward with some personal side projects!!

Be safe!
​Julie 

Today will be an entry inspired, yet again, by YouTube. I have been following a couple of stories on this platform. Mainly I watch all sorts of "drama that isn't mine" kind of content. I stumbled on a commentary channel where the host reacts to full episodes of "My 600 Pound Life" from TLC. The woman they were following for this particular episode displayed was quintessential addiction behavior. The most common question I get about my experience with addiction is why I did/acted the way that I did. I was watching the people around this woman asking nearly identical questions. "What is wrong with her?" "Can't she see she is going to die?" "Why doesn't she even change a little when she says she is so miserable?" 

So, let's take a few of these questions and I will try to answer them from my experience. Addiction may look different from person to person. There are some general commonalities most people with addiction display or do as a part of the addiction process. 

Seriously? Can she not see how much she is hurting herself and everyone around her?
The simple answer is "yes". I can see that I am hurting myself, I know that. I am hurting people around me, I know that. In my mind, I just didn't want that to be true. I had a lot of health side effects from excessive, chronic alcohol use. Constant GERD, headaches, blurred vision, dehydration, low potassium, abdominal pain, gastric distress, vomiting, swelling of liver, etc. Every time I would go to the doctors, I would have a near meltdown that this visit was the visit they were going to tell me that I was in liver failure. I would get a semi-clean bill of health, I would go straight to denial saying what I was doing wasn't that bad. 

My marriage took the brunt of my use. I was able to lie to just about everyone else about what was going on. I was always playing a game with the best way to defuse anger with me or my behavior. I became pretty savvy about hiding things. I made drastic changes to my work schedule to spend the least amount of time at home with my former spouse home so I could do what I wanted, when I wanted. I said all the things addicts say: "I will stop now." "I won't do that again." "I will get some help." I made a few steps in that direction, Yet, as the relationship continued to deteriorate, I figured I didn't need to change because it wasn't going to save that relationship anyway. In my mind, I was happier drinking every day than being in that relationship.

Then the denial set in. Changing would make any difference. I liked drinking. I wasn't hurting anyone anyway. I think at the base of all that denial was the sheer terror of what it would take to change. I didn't know what life would be like without alcohol. I believed I would have no friends or be able to have fun. Yet, my friendships were falling away because I trapped myself at home to drink. I wasn't having any fun anyway. Regardless, I didn't want to change. I was too scared to change. I was too afraid to admit I was addicted, lonely, scared, and not sure I was capable of that kind of change. 

What is it going to take to get you to change?
I sure let a lot of stuff go before I was willing to make the change and get help. I did make the decision on my own at first. In was in late 2009 I was feeling some motivation to change. I tried to say something at my annual physical. I kid you not, this was the conversation: "Is there anything else you want me to know?" "Ummm....yeah, I drink about a liter of hard alcohol daily or nearly daily." "OK, I will put down alcohol abuse on your chart, Anything else?" I went on a huge bender after that because in my mind, she said I was OK. My labs were normal. Around this time, I got a new job and I was super excited about it. I was noticing missing out on things with friends because I was so physically ill all the time. I was really getting tired of the cycle. 

Even though I reached out, got into detox, and transferred to treatment. I was not very sure that I wanted to change. I found myself seeking out reasons not to listen to parts of treatment. I overreacted to certain situations so I could give myself an excuse not to attend sessions or activities. In retrospect, the alcohol was cleared out of my system, but all of the skewed thinking and behavior was well intact. I was surprised that I pulled together 60 days before relapsing given how sick my thinking still was. 

Everyone's turning point is different. I don't believe that people have to hit a hard bottom to get help. I felt like my moment of getting help was out of personal desperation because alcohol was causing so many emotional problems and physical problems and alcohol stop answering my problems. I wanted to help but it was hard to sustain that amount of change. I stopped treatment about 3 sessions after my inpatient treatment. Without the support and structure, I went back pretty quickly. I personally needed to have some external motivation. I didn't feel like my life was worth changing for myself. The external motivation did come and I do credit it for holding my feet to the fire to make long-term change. (HPSP)

Why can't you stop?
I wish I knew that answer. I literally don't understand how people can stop when using alcohol. Compulsion is a strange deal/experience. I absolutely knew that when I started drinking I was going to stop until I went to sleep or passed out. I absolutely knew that alcohol was not healthy for me. I absolutely knew that I might die by alcohol overdose. Yet, none of that mattered in the moment. I could not see any consequence in that moment of pouring a drink. Whatever thoughts that I had that I shouldn't do this would be quickly justified. I know that I was driven by stress and emotion. After a while I was driven so much my the physical withdrawal symptoms. One of the hardest withdrawal symptoms for me was anxiety. I was crawling out of my skin and on the verge of panic at any moment. Even looking at an alcohol bottle would start calm that anxiety and for a glorious 15 minutes, I would feel "normal". I stopped shaking and I wasn't buzzed yet. I was just calm. Well, since I couldn't stop when I started, it was quickly spiral to full on drunkenness within 1-2 hours.  That desire to continue this pattern was stronger than any logic, any consequence. Nothing else mattered. I really did feel bad and guilty after the fact. If I angered someone or hurt someone, I felt horrible about it. Even feeling this guilt and sadness after almost every drinking episode, I still drank full well knowing that this was going to be the outcome. Toward the end, I didn't understand what the hell I was doing anymore.

In the future entry, I will try to answer some more of these "what the heck is going on with you" questions from my perspective. If you have a specific question that you have always wanted to ask an addict, shoot! I don't mind. It may not be the answer everyone will give, but it will be from my experience. 

Thanks for reading!!
​Julie