Question Marks All Over

I usually have a pretty clear idea of what I want to write about. For this entry, I have some thoughts and some ideas. Bear with me, though, it might take a bunch of twists and turns, especially since I have not posted anything since May of this year. So, let's begin.....

I finished up teaching a mental health clinical rotation in May. While I adored the students, I really felt a pull to teach on the classroom side. My passion is teaching in that capacity. The feedback from the students was nearly tear-jerking - they were incredibly kind. As I moved into the summer, the requests started coming in to do more clinical rotations. I took a step back before answering, wondering if I was a bit too new and without enough experience to be requesting a classroom position. Plus, I would not be coming on full-time, I would remain adjunct faculty. Fortunately, my conclusion was - "well, ask. The worse they can say is 'no' and they want you for clinical...." So, I asked. The initial answer was "we don't have that available this semester, but maybe in the Spring." Two weeks later, it turned into "we have 2 sections that need and instructor." Yahoo! I promptly accepted.

August is my favorite month of the year. I celebrated 14 years of continuous sobriety this year When I think back to all those years ago, it's hard to believe I didn't think there was a life beyond drinking. I rarely ever think about it now. If I do have a thought, it is entirely fleeting and gone as soon as it arrived. I do think recovery gets easier over time. Life changes, maturity changes, friends change. As much as I don't like change, everything really needed to change to support doing something totally different. Changes don't feel so scary. In fact, I think I have more of a desire to keep things changing to steer clear of boredom. Mostly healthy decisions, still some struggles with keeping my work/life balance in place. For those who know me, I am still trying. Not there yet, but trying.

Then....the Fair! I love the MN State Fair. I get to spend two days with my favorite niece and nephew, doing whatever the heck we want, eating too much, creating memories, and taking a really long nap afterwards. The experience changes every year as the kids grow older and have different areas of interest. By taking two different kids on two different days with two totally different ideas of what makes the Fair fun means I get to see basically everything!! I will continue this tradition until both of them tell me they don't want to go anymore! :) 

In late August, started with the teaching position. I knew this semester was going to be a bit bumpy as I develop my content and refine my presentation. I love teaching already. I'm not sure the students know what to make of me just yet. I am one of their very first nursing instructors, teaching them mental health. They are quiet but they seem interested. No one is obviously falling asleep, so I take that as a "win".

Well, let's get into September. All was very well as I was gearing up for the final days before the fall semester started. I was getting a little stressed out because I wasn't as prepared as I had hoped I would be. Labor Day rolls around and I decided - I am having a lazy day. I am doing nothing. And that's what I did until the afternoon. I decided to order my "once-a-month" takeout order. I have done that same order once a month for about 4 years?? I say this as partial context for the next series of events. 

At 5:00pm, I started to have abdominal pain. My takeout delivery came at 4:30 and I had eaten just a few bites of food. I thought it would pass but continued to intensify. I started vomiting which I rarely ever do. I started sweating profusely and feeling really faint. I called 911 at 5:19pm. I started getting confused and in that confusion, I decided I was too hot and stripped off all of my clothes. I lost consciousness at some point and the police broke in which I was grateful for because I sure wasn't getting to the door. I was found on the floor, naked, drenched head to toe in sweat, The nice EMT tried to throw a dress on me which only got around my neck. I started getting combative in my confusion. I remember being take into the ambulance. I was too sweaty to have EKG leads put on. I heard "I can't find her blood pressure at all." "Look what happens when I pump up the cuff," I found out later, that my hand turned purple when they started pumping up the cuff. I arrived at the ER with a phone and dress around my neck (I was covered with blankets).

I got into the Emergency Department. I knew it was serious when I had 5-8 people running around me, calling my name, giving me a sternal rub, and asking me what the heck happened. I got slammed with 2L of fluid through two large-bore IVs. Someone finally found my blood pressure after that of 62/38. My lab work was showing I was in septic shock. My white blood cell count was mildly elevated and certainly not elevated enough to warrant a whole system meltdown. I was transferred up to critical care. I arrived with blue lips and white toes and fingers. I had limited profusion. No one has a clue - I was just sort of being treated broadly with antibiotics and fluids. I stayed stable throughout the next day. When I talked to the doctor, he wanted me off of the antibiotics to see if any of the symptoms came back. If they did - back on the antibiotics, if not, no need to be on them. Again, I stayed stable. I was transferred to med/surg for general observation. I stayed entirely normal. I was "medically stable" so I was sent home the next day.

I got great care and I know the staff was just as nervous as me about going home. I became deathly ill and no one knows why. It was hard to even suggest anything more to work up. All the imaging that they took (abdominal CT, chest x-ray, Echocardiogram, EKG continuous monitoring) was clear. My labs were totally normal by day 2. Blood cultures were negative at 48 hours and 5 days for any infection. What the hell just happened? None of us will ever know.

I missed work for a week and missed the first week of classes. I rested a lot, Met up with my doctor who tested a few more things and changed a medication I was taking on the 1/1,000,000 chance it could have contributed to whatever that was. It does make me a little nervous when anything hurts or I don't feel quite right. As time is passing, however, I am becoming less nervous. My therapist kept telling me - yes, that was traumatic. You don't have to call it anything other than that. Let yourself feel how you need to feel. Don't stay here though. Staying in that spot doesn't change anything that happened. Not moving forward means missing out on life. I didn't see the light or anything but I was very aware that I was critically ill. If I had waited another 20 minutes, to call 911 the outcome might not have been as good as it was. I survived so I have to take that for something. 

I spend the past few weeks getting into the swing of teaching. I am enjoying myself and already know some of the changes I will make for next semester. Annoyingly, my back started giving me some issues last week. I have known about these back issues for quite some time. I have been in nursing for over 20 years with a lot of years in direct care. Of course, when I was 25 I didn't listen to all the "ergonomically correct" way to do my job. All these years later I am paying for it. I have two bulging discs in the lower back and two bulging in my neck. I started PT and other therapies in July and made HUGE strides. Suddenly, I can't get out of bed and turning my neck sends searing pain down my arm. End up in orthopedic urgent care on Thursday. The X-ray showed two muscle spasms that were so tight the muscles were pushing my spine to the left. Awesome. I am on a steroid burst right now and feeling a million times better. I will start again with PT again next week. 

This month has focused my view on the changes I need to make that I am dragging my feet about. I think I just said a few paragraphs ago that change isn't as bothersome as it used to be. I suppose I should qualify that: Change doesn't bother me if I like the change and want to make the change. I am being sort of vague here and I will need to remain that way until I decide AND follow through with some changes I need to make. I'll keep you posted.

Be good!
Julie