I have been attending therapy for more than 15 years. Now, most people might assume if I need to engage in a service this long, it must not work. I have not attended sessions weekly for 15 years, some periods of time, I would stop in once a month or every few months. It was a nice place to have to be sure things are remaining stable. I had been attending monthly for quite some time, especially over Covid lockdown. Once I left the counseling field and was back in school, I was fairly happy/stable and didn't need much support. Recently, I have returned to weekly session beginning this summer. Part of that was getting a new therapist and having some time to get to know each other. More of it is this little gray cloud that seems to hang over me. It's not a black, stormy cloud, but a cloud that seems to be blocking my sunshine in life.

As I have mentioned before, I like this new therapist. She is action oriented and I get assignments on the regular. Her and I have been drilling down some areas of concern for me right now. I feel sort of listless and unmotivated. Many things that I have historically liked to do just don't motivate me. Some accomplishments I have recently completed didn't give me the normal "high" of feeling pretty good for a while. My therapist has suggested social engagement, exercise, listening to my body, etc. Kind of the "normal" things I have engaged in the past to help through times like these. I have done most of these things -- writing, going out, mild exercise. I just don't feel right. For lack of better description, I feel blah.

What I am describing is the definition of depression, Losing interest in previously enjoyed activities. Struggle to derive joy from otherwise joyful things. I expressed my frustration by these symptoms. My job is finally "normal" without huge amounts of stress or drama. I have some days off so that I can do some of things I want to do. I have great friends and finally some financial means to do more than I have been able to afford. Yet, on my days off, I find myself staying in bed, not really doing much. Napping on and off. Each week, I set out of a list of things to do -- organizing, grocery shopping, laundry, dishes -- you know, adulting type things. Yet, I keep pushing everything off until I am returning back to work, having accomplished absolutely nothing. I did manage to do a few cleaning things a few weeks ago. Normally, I would feel better walking out to a clean house. Nope. Didn't seem to matter. Didn't feel better for finally doing it. Ugh.

So, we jumped into a rabbit hole of the last 10 years of my life. My early recovery, while difficult, was an exciting time for me. I had the constant stimulation of working on myself, finding a new life, and I was working transplant which satisfied part of my thrill seeking side. The downward spiral started in 2013 when I was 1/2 way through graduate school - round #1. I started to realize that I had made a huge mistake and a quite costly one at that. I followed my heart instead of my gut. I started carrying regret with me at that point, My first couple of positions were a disaster. Then I got the job at the county which was a five year position for me. By my standards, that is a lifetime to stay somewhere for 5+ years on a full-time basis. Going into this position, I had this nagging feeling about my place in that career. 

I finally started to break under the pressure of that position in 2018. The position, in and of itself was stressful, but coupled with horrible supervision, I think something in me actually broke. My confidence was totally shaken. I started questioning my every move. Endured more poor behavior than I normally would, assuming that I couldn't function properly in this career. I had returned to weekly counseling just to keep me afloat until I moved on. I don't know that I ever really "dealt" with the inner core beliefs that had developed during those years. I walked out of that part of my life with a lower sense of self, feeling lost, and experiencing some deep regret/heartache. It would have probably been a good idea to start processing these feelings when I left, but then Covid hit, my nursing job went nuts, my health was repairing, and I was in school full time. I shoved everything to the side and went back into survival mode.

Now, I feel like I am still carrying some of the burdens I picked up from this period in my life. When I think about dating, I start looking at myself and start thinking -- the kind of person I am interested in wouldn't like tattoos, or someone who is overweight, or works nights, or doesn't have the best fashion sense. I have become embarrassed of myself both physically and emotionally. I look back at previous relationships and I feel like all of my insecurities were validated. What self-esteem I used to have to power through that is now gone or incredibly diminished. I struggle to see how this person (me) could ever think to be successful in most any relationship - friend or otherwise. 

I don't write these things for people to feel sorry for me. I hope it might provide some insight to a mind with depression. More so, these are beliefs that I have allowed to infiltrate my life and I am feeling ready to move on and get back to my "normal" state. I am seeking multiple avenues to deal with this in addition to therapy. It may be time for a medication change. I am 1,000% terrified to do this, but I also know that my medications are an incredibly important piece to this puzzle. As I am barreling towards 50, my hormones are changing, my body is changing. I started the medications I am on now over 10 years ago. The last change attempt was horrific so I am holding on to that assuming it will be the same this time. I am, however, willing to try as living in this gray, mundane, blah-ness isn't cutting it for me right now. I have a million interest and ideas of things I would like to do. Yet, I am sitting, doing nothing, and feeling unhappy about that.

I am wishing everyone peace out there.....

​Julie 

I celebrated 13 years of continuous recovery in August of this year. The distance of time between now and my last detox visit seem like 100 years ago. So much has happened during these years of recovery. I am grateful to have so many years of recovery under my belt. In those early years of recovery, I struggled to figure out what life was supposed to feel and look like without use. How do you have fun? Where do you go to be social? Do you ever laugh? Is this sobriety thing supposed to be fun? At the time, it sure didn't feel like it. 

In the early years of recovery, I felt a desire to connect with myself -- values, morals, motivation. I was thrilled with finding out things about myself that I had either forgotten or simply lost because of the fog of substances. Especially toward the end of my drinking days, I knew that I was living against my personal moral and values code. What I felt compelled to do sober was lost as soon as I started drinking. My behavior while drinking was in direct opposition of the person I thought I wanted to be. I was very secure in my identity of being a nurse. In fact, it was probably one of the few things I felt even remotely passionate about in those early years of swimming through new emotions and experiences. 

I looked at some of previous blog entries during the first few years of recovery. I talked a lot about finding new ways to deal with the world and what was important to me. I stumbled upon my entry about my last day of intensive outpatient treatment in early 2011. I was proud to finish the program and have my graduation. While most people talked about being proud of me and being happy that I was doing OK, more than one person, including my boyfriend at the time had some concerns about my identity. I still remember being annoyed with people telling me that I needed to expand my horizons beyond that identity. Every experience, every emotion, every decision appeared to be based on the perspective of being a nurse. "I should know better, I am a nurse." "The only other time I felt this kind of panic is when a patient coded and I had to do CPR." "I have to complete this program, my nursing license depends on it." On and on..... 

I believe I tried to expand those horizons, especially when I headed back to school to move my career in another direction. The nursing background would certainly be helpful, but I would be doing something different. If you have been reading my blog for the past several years, I started to realize that my decision to move careers into substance abuse counseling was premature and seemingly regrettable shortly into this transition. So, I ended up grabbing onto one of the things that made me feel professionally secure -- being a nurse. I didn't ever stop being a nurse, in fact, even my counseling approach at times encompassed my nursing perspective. I was also criticized by other counselors in behavioral health for clinging onto this identity more than I should.

Rolling around to 2020, I decided to jump in head first back into nursing both professionally and personally, I obtained two degrees in less than three years, both in nursing and have secured two positions that keep my sanity. I would say that my identity is pretty solidified in my career. I am not sure that I really care so much anymore when people tell me to be something beyond that. Well, I am -- I have hobbies, friends, family, etc. etc. I travel, I write, I think about the "next big thing" I want to do. It isn't ALWAYS more school (although many of my close friends might argue otherwise. Hahaha!). 

I found myself talking about my desire to be on the downward trajectory of my career. I "retired" from transplant in 2021. Transplant was probably the coolest, hardest, craziest, and most rewarding kind of nursing I have ever done. I did have to wave the flag and admit that I am no longer able to keep up. The length of the shifts and the intensity of the work were more than I could handle. I was happy to leave on a good note and before something got majorly screwed up because I couldn't keep up. 

I entered homecare during my school years because of the flexibility of the schedule. I started as an LPN in 2021 and I am sitting her almost three years with my RN and not looking to go anywhere. This kind of nursing is still fairly physical and I work nights (150% by choice). I have at least a few more years left in me for this type of nursing before I really intend to look at teaching full time. I am seeking more calm environments these days. While teaching will have its challenges, I don't believe it can ever match the intensity of my transplant and/or counseling years. 

So, why am I mentioning all of this? Because of my new therapist. I like her so far. She is a "do" person. Let's talk and identify the issues and then figure out what can be done. I have decided that I am still in an existential upset about purpose in my life. I have worked up to four jobs at a time, I have attended school enough to obtain five degrees. I am not really interested in another degree. And....I am BORED. I do better when I have something to look forward to like a trip or time of friends. Currently, I have all of that and still have this lack of motivation and engagement in life. It such an odd place to be. I like my jobs. I have minimal stress from either position. I have great family and friends. I have a stable financial situation. I think this is what I was waiting for life to be when I first got sober. Now, 13 years later, this situation actually makes me restless for some reason. 

Being a nurse is cool but it is not the end all and be all of this life. I am passionate about recovery. I really like writing. I like teaching. I have a knack for public speaking. I am in pursuit of the next identity for myself. Like most people who have experienced addiction, I want "it" to happen right now. I have more than enough ideas. I have a large undercurrent of fear to start a different path. My career, as it stands right now, offers me a degree of flexibility to engage in other activities and hobbies. Tempering the fear and increasing my motivation are my current goals. Fear is more powerful in my life than I probably give acknowledgement to. This restless seems to be waiting for me to push through that fear and experience something entirely different. That seems like a more exciting place to be right now.

Take care and stay safe!
​Julie