Core Beliefs

Image by John Hain from Pixabay

I have been attending therapy for more than 15 years. Now, most people might assume if I need to engage in a service this long, it must not work. I have not attended sessions weekly for 15 years, some periods of time, I would stop in once a month or every few months. It was a nice place to have to be sure things are remaining stable. I had been attending monthly for quite some time, especially over Covid lockdown. Once I left the counseling field and was back in school, I was fairly happy/stable and didn't need much support. Recently, I have returned to weekly session beginning this summer. Part of that was getting a new therapist and having some time to get to know each other. More of it is this little gray cloud that seems to hang over me. It's not a black, stormy cloud, but a cloud that seems to be blocking my sunshine in life.

As I have mentioned before, I like this new therapist. She is action oriented and I get assignments on the regular. Her and I have been drilling down some areas of concern for me right now. I feel sort of listless and unmotivated. Many things that I have historically liked to do just don't motivate me. Some accomplishments I have recently completed didn't give me the normal "high" of feeling pretty good for a while. My therapist has suggested social engagement, exercise, listening to my body, etc. Kind of the "normal" things I have engaged in the past to help through times like these. I have done most of these things -- writing, going out, mild exercise. I just don't feel right. For lack of better description, I feel blah.

What I am describing is the definition of depression, Losing interest in previously enjoyed activities. Struggle to derive joy from otherwise joyful things. I expressed my frustration by these symptoms. My job is finally "normal" without huge amounts of stress or drama. I have some days off so that I can do some of things I want to do. I have great friends and finally some financial means to do more than I have been able to afford. Yet, on my days off, I find myself staying in bed, not really doing much. Napping on and off. Each week, I set out of a list of things to do -- organizing, grocery shopping, laundry, dishes -- you know, adulting type things. Yet, I keep pushing everything off until I am returning back to work, having accomplished absolutely nothing. I did manage to do a few cleaning things a few weeks ago. Normally, I would feel better walking out to a clean house. Nope. Didn't seem to matter. Didn't feel better for finally doing it. Ugh.

So, we jumped into a rabbit hole of the last 10 years of my life. My early recovery, while difficult, was an exciting time for me. I had the constant stimulation of working on myself, finding a new life, and I was working transplant which satisfied part of my thrill seeking side. The downward spiral started in 2013 when I was 1/2 way through graduate school - round #1. I started to realize that I had made a huge mistake and a quite costly one at that. I followed my heart instead of my gut. I started carrying regret with me at that point, My first couple of positions were a disaster. Then I got the job at the county which was a five year position for me. By my standards, that is a lifetime to stay somewhere for 5+ years on a full-time basis. Going into this position, I had this nagging feeling about my place in that career. 

I finally started to break under the pressure of that position in 2018. The position, in and of itself was stressful, but coupled with horrible supervision, I think something in me actually broke. My confidence was totally shaken. I started questioning my every move. Endured more poor behavior than I normally would, assuming that I couldn't function properly in this career. I had returned to weekly counseling just to keep me afloat until I moved on. I don't know that I ever really "dealt" with the inner core beliefs that had developed during those years. I walked out of that part of my life with a lower sense of self, feeling lost, and experiencing some deep regret/heartache. It would have probably been a good idea to start processing these feelings when I left, but then Covid hit, my nursing job went nuts, my health was repairing, and I was in school full time. I shoved everything to the side and went back into survival mode.

Now, I feel like I am still carrying some of the burdens I picked up from this period in my life. When I think about dating, I start looking at myself and start thinking -- the kind of person I am interested in wouldn't like tattoos, or someone who is overweight, or works nights, or doesn't have the best fashion sense. I have become embarrassed of myself both physically and emotionally. I look back at previous relationships and I feel like all of my insecurities were validated. What self-esteem I used to have to power through that is now gone or incredibly diminished. I struggle to see how this person (me) could ever think to be successful in most any relationship - friend or otherwise. 

I don't write these things for people to feel sorry for me. I hope it might provide some insight to a mind with depression. More so, these are beliefs that I have allowed to infiltrate my life and I am feeling ready to move on and get back to my "normal" state. I am seeking multiple avenues to deal with this in addition to therapy. It may be time for a medication change. I am 1,000% terrified to do this, but I also know that my medications are an incredibly important piece to this puzzle. As I am barreling towards 50, my hormones are changing, my body is changing. I started the medications I am on now over 10 years ago. The last change attempt was horrific so I am holding on to that assuming it will be the same this time. I am, however, willing to try as living in this gray, mundane, blah-ness isn't cutting it for me right now. I have a million interest and ideas of things I would like to do. Yet, I am sitting, doing nothing, and feeling unhappy about that.

I am wishing everyone peace out there.....

​Julie