Identity

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

I celebrated 13 years of continuous recovery in August of this year. The distance of time between now and my last detox visit seem like 100 years ago. So much has happened during these years of recovery. I am grateful to have so many years of recovery under my belt. In those early years of recovery, I struggled to figure out what life was supposed to feel and look like without use. How do you have fun? Where do you go to be social? Do you ever laugh? Is this sobriety thing supposed to be fun? At the time, it sure didn't feel like it. 

In the early years of recovery, I felt a desire to connect with myself -- values, morals, motivation. I was thrilled with finding out things about myself that I had either forgotten or simply lost because of the fog of substances. Especially toward the end of my drinking days, I knew that I was living against my personal moral and values code. What I felt compelled to do sober was lost as soon as I started drinking. My behavior while drinking was in direct opposition of the person I thought I wanted to be. I was very secure in my identity of being a nurse. In fact, it was probably one of the few things I felt even remotely passionate about in those early years of swimming through new emotions and experiences. 

I looked at some of previous blog entries during the first few years of recovery. I talked a lot about finding new ways to deal with the world and what was important to me. I stumbled upon my entry about my last day of intensive outpatient treatment in early 2011. I was proud to finish the program and have my graduation. While most people talked about being proud of me and being happy that I was doing OK, more than one person, including my boyfriend at the time had some concerns about my identity. I still remember being annoyed with people telling me that I needed to expand my horizons beyond that identity. Every experience, every emotion, every decision appeared to be based on the perspective of being a nurse. "I should know better, I am a nurse." "The only other time I felt this kind of panic is when a patient coded and I had to do CPR." "I have to complete this program, my nursing license depends on it." On and on..... 

I believe I tried to expand those horizons, especially when I headed back to school to move my career in another direction. The nursing background would certainly be helpful, but I would be doing something different. If you have been reading my blog for the past several years, I started to realize that my decision to move careers into substance abuse counseling was premature and seemingly regrettable shortly into this transition. So, I ended up grabbing onto one of the things that made me feel professionally secure -- being a nurse. I didn't ever stop being a nurse, in fact, even my counseling approach at times encompassed my nursing perspective. I was also criticized by other counselors in behavioral health for clinging onto this identity more than I should.

Rolling around to 2020, I decided to jump in head first back into nursing both professionally and personally, I obtained two degrees in less than three years, both in nursing and have secured two positions that keep my sanity. I would say that my identity is pretty solidified in my career. I am not sure that I really care so much anymore when people tell me to be something beyond that. Well, I am -- I have hobbies, friends, family, etc. etc. I travel, I write, I think about the "next big thing" I want to do. It isn't ALWAYS more school (although many of my close friends might argue otherwise. Hahaha!). 

I found myself talking about my desire to be on the downward trajectory of my career. I "retired" from transplant in 2021. Transplant was probably the coolest, hardest, craziest, and most rewarding kind of nursing I have ever done. I did have to wave the flag and admit that I am no longer able to keep up. The length of the shifts and the intensity of the work were more than I could handle. I was happy to leave on a good note and before something got majorly screwed up because I couldn't keep up. 

I entered homecare during my school years because of the flexibility of the schedule. I started as an LPN in 2021 and I am sitting her almost three years with my RN and not looking to go anywhere. This kind of nursing is still fairly physical and I work nights (150% by choice). I have at least a few more years left in me for this type of nursing before I really intend to look at teaching full time. I am seeking more calm environments these days. While teaching will have its challenges, I don't believe it can ever match the intensity of my transplant and/or counseling years. 

So, why am I mentioning all of this? Because of my new therapist. I like her so far. She is a "do" person. Let's talk and identify the issues and then figure out what can be done. I have decided that I am still in an existential upset about purpose in my life. I have worked up to four jobs at a time, I have attended school enough to obtain five degrees. I am not really interested in another degree. And....I am BORED. I do better when I have something to look forward to like a trip or time of friends. Currently, I have all of that and still have this lack of motivation and engagement in life. It such an odd place to be. I like my jobs. I have minimal stress from either position. I have great family and friends. I have a stable financial situation. I think this is what I was waiting for life to be when I first got sober. Now, 13 years later, this situation actually makes me restless for some reason. 

Being a nurse is cool but it is not the end all and be all of this life. I am passionate about recovery. I really like writing. I like teaching. I have a knack for public speaking. I am in pursuit of the next identity for myself. Like most people who have experienced addiction, I want "it" to happen right now. I have more than enough ideas. I have a large undercurrent of fear to start a different path. My career, as it stands right now, offers me a degree of flexibility to engage in other activities and hobbies. Tempering the fear and increasing my motivation are my current goals. Fear is more powerful in my life than I probably give acknowledgement to. This restless seems to be waiting for me to push through that fear and experience something entirely different. That seems like a more exciting place to be right now.

Take care and stay safe!
​Julie