The Art of Building Mastery

I have been on a bit of a DBT kick recently. Partly because I have been feeling the depression creeping back into my life and DBT skills are just made to deal with these issues. Also because I opted to use this content in a group presentation that I did. Early recovery sucks. My biggest complaint after getting out of treatment was "I still have the same problems, no skills to cope with any of it and now I can't drink!!" Yup, early recovery sucks on many levels. My DBT courses were the first time anyone offered me anything to try and cope with this new world of suck-a-tude.

When I was giving my presentation I talked a lot of about building mastery in life. The goal of DBT, CBT and AA for that matter, is building a life worth living. Well, what happens when I stop believing that I can do anything right. Or I think that I am not good enough. Or that I have to do huge things in order to prove my worth. I can hear Marsha Linehan (creator of DBT) telling me - stop right there, young lady, back up, start again. Build mastery.....

So, what does this really mean? It's about doing the little things everyday, acknowledging the fact that you were successful at it and what you did made life that much better for having done it. Let's say, I really like painting. I buy the canvas, $300 worth of expensive oil paints and designer brushes. For me, I am going to have an EPIC freak out. I will start telling myself that I can't use this stuff, it's too expensive to waste on something I am not really good at. So, in my good DBT world, I am going to take all of this stuff back and get something a little simpler, like a little figurine that comes with 4 or 5 colors and brush. I am going to practice and have some fun painting. When I am done, I had a good time, life is a little better because I had a good time and my figurine looks spectacular.

Outside of the arts & crafts kind of world, other life areas need some attention too. The goal is to engage in 1 task everyday that makes me feel competent, accomplished and in control of my life. For instance, sitting down and budgeting out the month. While I never actually stick to the budget, I feel accomplished about taking the time to know exactly where I am financially and where I am at with my goals. There are times that I pick a room and start to reorganize, dust and just do a deep clean. I definitely feel accomplished and in control of my life. These are the type of activities that I am currently engaged in to make myself feel confident. Let's step back a few year and look at where I applied this particular skill.

In the fall of 2010, I was finally pulling together about 90 days of sustained sobriety when we got to this module. When we first started talking about it, I got really depressed. There were so many hopes and dreams I felt like I had lost because of my drinking. The things I wanted to do to build mastery were to find a grad school, get married again, have a family, buy a new house, get my RN and get a different job. Lofty goals for someone who still had no idea what long-term sobriety even looked like. I met in the DBT groups once a week and then had counseling on an individual basis. My counselor asked me to talk about some of my mastery interests. I blurted out the above list. 

Needless to say, she wasn't very impressed. But apparently, there are many of us DBT newbies that make this error when we think about building skills. We are thinking too largely, too broadly and too ambitiously for where we are in our lives. While all of these goals are great long-term goals, they were not realistic and ultimately had the opposite effect. I put so much pressure on myself to consider these goals, I started to not function in my daily life under my own self-imposed 10 ton boulder of responsibility. My counselor told me to focus on much smaller goals. Is there a day that I didn't want to get out of bed but I did anyway? Did I get to a meeting enough times for myself in a week? Did I get all my tasks done at work to the best of my ability? Yeah, I did all those things, but isn't that just really expected of a grown adult? We have to do these things, right? My counselor asked me what the harm would be to take some credit for doing things that I don't always want to do but push through and do it anyway. What would be the harm of giving myself a pat on the back putting my recovery first. Yeah, these are things I need to do but why not give myself some accolades for actually doing them?

Some days I have to go back to the basics and congratulate myself for getting out of bed when I really didn't want to. Most days, now, are devoted to the bigger dreams of school, etc. Because I finally cut myself some slack and told myself good job for cleaning the bathroom (I really loathe that task), I have finally been able to build a foundation to step on toward the larger goals. I still have pangs sometimes when I think, "why am I congratulating myself for taking out the garbage? It stinks, it had to go out." The truth of the matter, I did the task and life is better for it, so I shot myself a "thanks for finally doing that". If someone would have done it for me, I would have said thank you, so why can't I say it to myself? 

I try to remember to do these little things. 3 years ago, you would not have convinced me that I was going to buy into this BS of self-affirmations and loving myself inside and out. As cheesy and hokey as it might seem to some, it is the root of everything. I will never be a positive person until the core of me is happy. My core is happy in part to making an effort to be kind to myself. Try it some time. It might just change or life.....

Julie

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