Adventures in Sober Dating - Try Try Again

Well, what can I say? I am back at it again. You would think I had learned my lesson about dating from the last round, but alas, two upcoming dates next week. I plan on being a little more discreet about the details this time. I did learn that lesson quite well.

What did I change this time around? I got rid of one my profiles all together from one free site. I thought I was meeting relatively good people on there until I looked back - hmmmm....there maybe plenty of fish of plentyoffish.com but none for me apparently....

I did purchase a 6 month subscription to match.com. I have had that profile up for about three months. I am feeling kinda self-conscious about that one because everyone tells me it is such a meat market and they got contacted all the time. Not me....I have had a few conversations that started but never really went anywhere....until now. I decided for fun to update my profile and make things a little lighter. I still have on there that I am in recovery and that me and the cats are a package deal. 2 areas of my life I am not willing to negotiate anymore. Amen. It must have been successful or something because now I am getting all sorts of responses. 

This next part is where I made the big changes. I quit feeling sorry for other people. I have to admit, I write some of these people back because I feel bad for them. They seem nice enough but I am not interested. I just discovered that match.com has this automated email that you send out, kinda like the rejection emails when applying to jobs..."thanks but no thanks." I have to remind myself, I am not on there to save the world or anything. I am looking for someONE, not everyone. Also, by adding the cat and alcohol rule, most people will read that far and decide their level of interest right then and there. I think I am preferring the profile piece since it is out in the open, upfront. If they are not cool with it, then they won't respond. So, there.

Now I haven't been on a physical face to face date since the last nightmare blew up. The next two dates are with people who are financially and emotionally stable. There are lots of common interests, not so much recovery related, but movies, TV, fun things to do. Both of them are cool with the fact that I don't drink. I asked them to please define "social drinking" in their terms since I find this to be very broadly used on these profiles. 1-2 drink every few months. OK, that is actually social drinking in my book. Yipppee! 

It appears to me that I have the online dating part of this adventure under control, it's going to be the person to person stuff I need to work on a little bit. I figured out a few things that I didn't care for on the first round. 1. Not enough in common. The conversation dies after about 5 minutes. I will start babbling incoherently in order to avoid uncomfortable silences. 2. I beat myself up after a date. Analyzing every last word I said...."was this stupid to say? Oh no, I wonder if he thinks...." All of my dates ended with a request for another date so I need to get over myself about that piece. Who doesn't say something kinda dumb or embarrassing at some point? 3. Two of the dates stand out in particular for talking wayyyy too much. I actually had to jump in to even say a sentence. I don't like that either. I want a two way conversation. I don't want to become the counselor again. I think it is fine to talk about past relationships, but there were about 4 that were absolutely still in the mourning stages of these last relationships. How can I possibly compete with that?? 

My goals this time around are to just be me. If I come off like a big nerd or kinda flighty, well, that is just me. Love it or leave it. Another goal is to actually tell someone if I am not interested in another date. I get all squeamish and text them later on. BOOOOO....time to grow up Jules....the reason I don't do it face to face is because I can't stand the look on their face. When I asked my ex-husband to move out, I will never forget that expression nor will I forget the tears that rolled down his face. It broke my heart at the time. I wanted to jump in and save him. I wanted to talk it all back just to stop that moment from progressing. While I was sober in that very moment when it happened, I drank over it for 3 more years.  I need to get over the uncomfortable nature of this situation and practice my program of honesty. That's a big one. I will certainly keep you posted. 

Take care all.....Julie T.  

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