Sober Dating: Summary & Advice

I cannot decide if my experience with the past few months of dating was more an issue of age or that of sobriety. I have absolutely no frame of reference with sober dating as I starting drinking long before I ever starting dating. Dating is a hell of a lot easier with liquor but it also can lead to that "Oh, Lord, what was I thinking?" much more frequently than when sober. Trust me, that thought did cross my mind a few times along with this little trip.

I was asked by one of my readers to give some pieces of wisdom I picked up on during my very first round of sober dating. Well, I am not sure that you really want that advice from me as I feel it was, overall, a huge waste of my time. At least I got to go out to dinner and meet a few new people that I would have otherwise never crossed paths with, I suppose. Anyway, as with anything out there, I did take away some lessons about life, love and pursuit of the perfect partner......

#1 Do any of us really know what we want? I had so many people who wrote me who hated smokers, drank like fish or wanted nothing to do with children. My profile stated the exact opposite. I opted to join the conversation but quickly realized.....bad idea which leads to #2
#2 Don't compromise. I started to get into that wishy-washy arena again...i.e. well, maybe it won't be that bad if I change...or maybe I can get over this....I realize there is  a certain level of compromise in every relationship. The point here is to never compromise on the "non-negotiable" things in life. If can't be around a drinker, I can't. I almost got myself convinced I could. Hey, I tried. Fortunately, I bailed before I hit the danger zone.
#3 Don't be afraid to be exactly who you are. If you are shy, be shy. If you are incredibly opinionated, be so. 
#4 Then, please, please, please be OK if not everyone likes you. I was fearing this when I started dating because who the heck likes to be rejected? Heck, I don't like be rejected so much that I can barely reject someone else because I know how they might be feeling - and it sucks. Interestingly, I did improve much in this area. Maybe my age has made me less tolerant for some things or maybe I am finally free of my drug that made me the neediest girl in the room. Either way, good. I am not for everyone but there is a good chance that I am for someone.
#5 Careful about what you blog about your dating experience....Ha!

If a future client ever came to me and asked about dating, I would at least feel like I have a chance of providing a reasonable answer based on this experience. I needed to make sure that I was whole first. I was with someone when I got sober and limped along in that relationship for another 2.5 years because I thought that was better than being alone. I ended up jumping into dating so quickly, I think I could have used a moment or two to make sure I was grounded in myself first. Overall, I think I managed to ride the waves on this one. 

I did realize one important thing about myself that will have to be a part profile in my future.....I really don't like texting. I don't mind it for quick chats with friends or an update about plans. But trying to have a conversation? Did you know that men become completely needy if there is not a response in 2 seconds from a text? OMG, back off! Hi. What are you doing? I am eating. Here I am? Why aren't you writing me? Did I say something? It has been three minutes since my first text. You hate me don't you.....I made the distinct mistake of giving out my number to a few people at one time. On average, I use 130 texts a month. Between these two guys, I had over 900 texts. Much of which was similar to the conversation above. I actually flat out told the last bachelor "I don't like my cell phone." I have never liked being available 24 hours at a flip of a switch. It is expected that people have their cellphones with them and will always answer or always text back IMMEDIATELY. Nope, I like the leave a message or send me an email and I will get back to you when I am in the space to do so. I almost felt harassed at points about this. And he also ignored my preferences and called 3-4 times per day which multiple texts in between. AHAHAHHWHHFDGFDSIG!  So, lesson learned. Now I am back on track to do 120 texts this next month.....

So the burning question now, will I do it again? I do have a match.com subscription until next March or something stupid like that. I updated my profile which now states, I am in recovery, I talk about it a lot. I hate cell phones and texting. The cats and I are a package deal. They will not be given up for allergies, hatred or any other reason. If you can't deal, then keep it moving. Now, I sound much softer on the profile but the message is unmistakable. I am will leave it up and see what happens but I am not active searching. I will not reply if I don't want to. Actually, I don't have to worry about that because no one really writes me on that site. Oh well! I had a discussion with my Higher Power in the shower this morning. I asked God where he wants me. Some days I really want kids, I want the family, I want the house and a picket fence. The next day, I can't stand getting contacted more than 2x a day by someone because I like to be alone and have lots of down time. I don't know what I want. I do know what I don't want is regret that I missed something. Then, God sent me my message today while I was seeking supervision about a care plan I was writing. I told my supervisor, "this guy is relapsing because he has so much unresolved grief....." My supervisor simply said, "What do the 12 steps teach us? We have to live life on life's terms. The more we try to interject our plans, our will, our interventions, the more lost we become in our own lives." I looked at him and said "Are you talking to me or about client?" He smiled and said, "Probably both". So, thanks God, for answering my question. I just have to let things happen. It's hard to not jump in the driver's seat, but I can do it. I have in the past and I certainly today. 

Thank you for all the support during this transition to this site. The blog entries that are currently transferred are the "Best of"....any entry that had over 100+ hits over it's life on the site :) 

Peace out!