Made A Decision

Getting this Master's Degree has been a bigger struggle than I had imaged it would be. In the beginning, I took 4 classes while working 12 hour overnight shifts with all classes scheduled in the middle of my sleep. OK, that was my fault for taking on too much, but it still gets harder yet. I made the decision to leave my full time job, go to casual status and enroll in school full-time. I believe to this day that was a great decision, really based on some sound reasoning and how my job ended up, it was certainly for the best since I would not have been able to go to school at all. 

The first semester of full time was complicated by a depression medication change which left me irritable, in pain and suffering under persistent thoughts of dying. I limped through the semester and unfortunately under the program, there was one a week break between semesters and semester #2 started with the same complications with the medication change. Ultimately, I ended up withdrawing from the semester after a conflict with a clinical placement and my mental health. I worked for the semester (so grateful my employer took me back!). It was a long summer and I lumbered through a lot of politics and lost a few friends in the process. Fortunately, I gained a few more along the way as well. 

I was so excited to start semester #3. My school started an Advanced Practice Master's Program which would allow me to get an LPCC (Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor) designation for mental health counseling in addition to my LADC (Licensed Drug & Alcohol Counselor). I did opt to take a few "elective" credits throughout my time so that I would be eligible for my LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor) which practices at a lower level than the LPCC but lands in the world of mental health. I have been told over the last year or two that I have been on this adventure, LPCC is good to get, it's only another 16 credits and could lead to another $12,000 pay and most places are looking for people who are dual licensed. LPC counselor is generally not able to bill Medicare or Medicaid as they do not recognize services provided by LPCs but they do with LPCCs. (There is a reason that I am telling you all this boring crap...I am getting there.... :) )I changed over to the Advanced Practice program and was already to move along.

This semester has generated additional challenges for me. I love my placement right now and I respect the people with whom I am working.  I am, however, struggling with my commitment to the educational piece. I know that I am still holding somewhat of a grudge against my school for what happened last semester. Overall, I am just a little unhappy with my whole experience. This semester feels more academically intense than the previous semesters. I don't care for one class at all and just find myself unwilling to engage. I have already missed the maximum number of classes before I start getting in trouble. Given, I was ill but I probably could have pushed myself to get up for that class and go especially since there are points given for just showing up! Still, not enough to generate any type of motivation on this end. I did well on the mid-term so now I am feeling like there is an opportunity to continue to let my attendance slide. 

I started thinking about what I tell my clients to do. I emphasize finding a balance and making sure recovery always first. I stress the need to not overburden or complicate. Do not create stress where stress does not need to be. I am the farthest from practicing any of this at this very moment. I haven't been to a meeting in weeks. I am starting to feel the stress of that. I have one day off a week. I am totally, 100% burned out by Wednesday and my days off are on Sunday. I continue to work and I do not want to sever this relationship as it could lead to a job when I am finished. I am torn between two worlds - one I am a very successful nurse that knows most things and the other I am a counselor who is barely able to tell my head from my ass. I feel like I am on this wicked roller coaster. If I were my own client, I would start really pushing for a review of what is important in life.

I started to take a look at my priorities, wishes and career options. When I started this program, what was my goal? My goal was to obtain a Master's and become an addictions counselor. I didn't even know what LPCs and LPCCs even were so when did this become a priority? While it makes perfect sense to get both licenses, here are other things God and I had a conversation about over the past 2 weeks: Can I deal with the stress of getting all the supervised hours in (2000 or 4000 hours)? Do I pursue a job just because it will offer the supervision piece even it means I don't get the job I want to do? Can I afford to maintain three licenses all with different continuing education requirements (I still plan to keep my nursing license)? Is it absolutely imperative to do this extra piece, right here and right now? The only one that came up a yes was the ability to pay for all the licenses. I can make that happen if I want to. Otherwise the answer was a resounding no.

I made my pros and cons list of changing back to the Master's in Addiction Counseling and leaving the Advanced Practice piece for another time and maybe a different facility. It was clear after being written out that I would like to complete my degree after this next semester and defer further education for the mental health LPCC. I will still be able to work on the mental health piece to some degree with the LPC. I am still relatively young. I can return to do these four additional classes when I feel like my sobriety and mental health are not so taxed. I feel as though I will break under the stress if I choose to move through with 2 more semester. The financial strain is tough. The extra semester would be another $20,000 investment for me. I have $30,000 already in. I think I am ready to start working again. I have three potential offers out there. 

My first and foremost major concern right now is my sobriety. The thoughts have become stronger and I actually thought to myself the other day, "if I relapsed, I could still go back to nursing.....". This is a dangerous place. Relapse starting long before the first drink and I caught myself taking the first step in that direction. Second, my mental health was compromised earlier this year and I have never quite felt the same after I attempted to make the medication change. All in all, I feel pretty good. I would say I just get blue and unmotivated more than I used to. I will be fine to make it through the semester and the next one. I just wonder about attempting a third.  I have driven myself insane before so I know what I am capable of doing to myself if I am not careful. I need to allow myself some time to breath and enjoy life around me. I have been feeling this strong yearning for things to be simple again. 

I did today what I felt I needed to do before I let someone talk me out of it. In my heart, I know what I need to do and it is preserve my sobriety and mental health and maybe also my physical health. This year just seemed to be plagued by illness. I suspect running wild working and going to school for 70 hours a week wasn't helping matters. I have not talked with anyone about my decision to reconsider my educational path. I felt a need for God and I to hash this one out. I came to the conclusion on Wednesday when I was sitting in a group and I was listening to a man in the group talk about his faith and his feelings about the Big Book - I swore I heard my Dad in his voice. "You just have to keep it simple. Jesus made it  simple. Bill W. got life all the way down to 12 steps. That ain't so hard. Is it?" I remember my Dad telling me when I was little that the most important concept of the Bible was "Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself". It's just that simple. I just have been trying to stay quiet to remain in a position to hear God provide me with direction. I am absolutely sure I heard this message yesterday.

I have lots and lots to write about so I hope to tackle some of these deep thoughts this weekend! Thank you to all the readers who have followed me from my original blog. 

Peace out!