Year in Review 2017

I have no idea what happened to the past year. As I age, I find that time is moving faster and faster. I think about all those times in my teenage years I wanted time to speed up. I wanted to be 21. I wanted to be 25. NOW! Since my mid-30s, I have been thinking about how much I want time to slow down. In just a few short weeks, 2018 will be here. I am still having a hard time wrapping my brain around being out of college for nearly 20 years and high school for nearly 25. How in the world does this happen?

This year in recovery has been pretty interesting. In August of this year, I entered my 7th year of recovery. The past 2 years have been the hardest for me in a very different way than my first 2 years. My first year in recovery was rough. Well, let's be more accurate: My first year of recovery sucked. I was so angry, bitter, mad, terrified, embarrassed, ashamed and most of all - annoyed that I was not drinking anymore. I knew that something needed to change and on some levels I was ready to change. Even with some desire to change, it doesn't mean that change comes easily. Addiction is such an interesting beast in this first year of recovery. I had such crazy thoughts and justifications for needing/wanting to go back. "How can I not drinking over.....(*insert lame excuse here*)...?" I had some really strong women in recovery around me who were trying to show me the way. I would stare at them and tell myself they were part of a cult. Angry. I was very angry.

Year 2 is when things really started to take a turn in the right direction. I felt "normal" (whatever that is) for the first time in my life. I felt like I had my motivation back. I physically felt good. I emotionally was feeling pretty strong. I had completed DBT which was really a lifesaver when it came to that unrelenting angry and self-pity. I was going to change the world! I started blogging, I was attending AA weekly, meeting with my sponsor, going place and telling my story. I told most everyone I met that I was in recovery. Recovery was so exciting! This is it! This is going to be life.

In some ways, I would give something (not everything) to go back to that second year of recovery. While things were not perfect, there were so many new things that I was experiencing. I had this sense of adventure and curiosity. I was ready to tackle the world. As recovery moved into years 3-7, the focus of my recovery has changed. I worry from time to time that I have another drunk in me. I  also know how hard I had to fight to get here today. I am not sure that I would have another full fledged recovery in me. I never lose focus that I could potentially drink tomorrow. As the time grows greater and greater between me and my last drink, my focus has really shifted from getting over urges and cravings to building a life in recovery that is worthwhile and fulfilling. And this is where things can get kinda tough and can be kinda fun all at the same time.

What addiction robbed of me the most was my moral compass. There were certain values and morals that I aspired to and held close to my heart. When I was actively using, I just didn't care. I didn't care about the people in my life. I didn't care about my health. I didn't care about potentially harming others. I just needed to drink. Addictive thinking can be pretty crazy. The annoying part to me is that I knew my thinking was warped! I really did know that. I used to try to tell myself that I wasn't addicted, I just didn't want to quit. When my liver was hurting from acute alcoholic hepatitis, I would just tell myself that I had the flu. When the reality of those lies was too clear to ignore, I would grab another drink and forget all about it. I would even shake my head at things I was telling other people. "What the hell is wrong with me" was a frequent question I would be mumbling to myself on a near daily basis. I never really had to actually answer that question until I got into treatment. Addiction. What was wrong with me? Nothing. Addiction was ruling my life. I had lost me.

In these later years of recovery, I feel like my focus has been on getting back in line with my values. Oddly, for the first couple of years, I didn't even know what my values really were. I had spend a majority of my life playing both sides of the fence. I had a limited sense of self coming into recovery. I was a nurse.....um...that was about it. I remember being so angry when I graduated from my last treatment. My fellow group mates told me "You gotta figure you out." So, I ended up quickly adopting recovery as my new self. 100% recovery, 100% of the time. Honestly, what I feared with this whole recovery thing was burning out on it. If you take a look at my craft projects, I have about 10 different ones going. I start something, it's all about that for a week or two and then slowly I wander away from it. Then, on to something new! I really did fear that I was going to burn myself out in the same way with this whole recovery thing. Only, instead of losing $30 to unwanted craft items, I stand to lose my life. 

As my restlessness grew in 2017, I wondered if I had come to that place of burning out in my recovery. I blog about recovery. I work 40 hours per week as a substance abuse counselor. I attend meetings. I research things about my clients when I am at home. I talk about recovery 24/7. Year 7, thus far, has really been about finding a true identity beyond recovery. This process is still very much in progress. I did learn a few things so far. There are other facets of my personality and being that I am not in touch with at the moment. I have become less mindful over the years which has probably cost me some time and growth opportunities. I still have some work to do.

As I am closing out this year, I am holding some excitement for the year ahead. I have felt stuck for the past 2 years or so. When I think back to that Year 2, I had such ambitions and expectations for what time of impact I was going to make in my recovery. I have always felt like there was something big waiting for me if I chose this direction. Finally, at the end of this year, I am feeling reconnected with that feeling. I was told that I needed to be on the lookout for opportunities and be ready to make a change. Most of the time, I don't really care for change. I want things to be predictable. Oddly, in this past year, I need change. I need some things to shift. I need something to look forward to. And while I value routine for the sake of my recovery, my routine has stagnated my growth. I have become dependent on things not changing. As I had been more and more ingrained in this routine, the more restless I have felt.

There is going to be something in 2018. I have no idea what or when. What I do know is that I need to stay mindful and aware. I need to be be flexible and open. I need to practice what I preach in terms of recovery. I also really need to figure out this whole self-care thing. I have spent some time digging into this more in the past few months. I am now aware that despite my best efforts, I tend to hold onto the pain of my clients. When people trust me enough to tell me about the demons of the past, I feel a deep sense of responsibility in those moments. I feel the pain with them at time. Other times, I am able to keep some distance. What I now know is that I am bearing too much of that burden. I haven't quite found a way that reconciles my desire to honor the trust  I have given and not to assume the pain associated with their experiences. I become so hyperfocused on their pain that I forget to work on my own and find ways to release it. This is high priority #1 for 2018.

I am establishing some goals for 2018. As I am writing this blog, I keep having this thought about "something might have to give." I met with a woman a little while back. She was encouraging me to be aware of some dawning opportunities in my life. She was also very clear that I do too many things. I am teaching part-time, I work full time, I also have another job as a nurse causally. I think I know what has to give and I am not super excited about it. I am going to have to keep giving this some more thought and see what 2018 thinks of my decisions. :) 

Peace!
​Julie