Look At It Differently - Part 2

For some reason today, I have been carrying around a lot of anxiety. I don't really know why, I don't feel like anything has really changed. In fact, my day at work was pretty good. I was asked at the last minute to run a group and it went really well. 

I was reading an article at work today about inner serenity. It comes out of the health realization movement which is offering another support outside of AA. The premise is dealing with the mind/body connection and seeking empowerment through changing thoughts and behaviors. People tend to not like the "powerlessness" piece of the First Step. I have done a lot of counseling about that first step and the powerlessness has nothing to do with powerlessness in life. We are powerless over our drug of choice. In admitting that powerlessness, we are empowered to change everything about our lives without it. 

Anyway, one of the aspects I was reading about was talking about the willing participant in anxiety, worry and helplessness. It seemed to be just right article at just the right time. My anxiety and worry will become greater if I allow myself to jump in the pool with it. I am empowered to walk away from it for sure. This current anxiety that I am feeling is much more physical - tossing and turning stomach and just a sense of tension. Interesting, I started to dip my feet in the pool, so to speak. I started thinking about anything and everything that I might have done wrong since starting at this job. That starts leading down the path of...."oh no, what bad thing is going to happen". I started realizing what I was doing and managed to talk myself off of the ceiling. There was no reason to be up there in the first place. 

It's just amazing to me that a flip flopping stomach can turn my thought patterns into justifying the feeling and creating something that really isn't there to begin with. If I were to be in trouble at work for some reason, they would have approached me by now. Everyone is talking about the program that I building and wanting to see the curriculum and guidelines I put together for the program. Everything went to press today and people are making phone calls to get some clients in the door. There is no reasonable thing that would indicate that this job is going anything different than fine. In my little anxiety world, I just assume the newest thing is causing the anxiety. In reality, it might be something else from the past or something bigger going on in my life. I am leaning toward the latter. I had myself up in arms about my future in this career. That is probably where the anxiety is coming from. The fear of the unknown. Uncertainty is difficult. 

So, this article was looking at addiction from the standpoint of a really bad habit. I liked that. We all have habits both good and bad. Addicts have certainly reinforced the benefits of using in our brains where it becomes a habit. It becomes the way to deal with, well, everything. Most addicts early in treatment will tell you that impulse to use is really overwhelming. It is because that is all we do and now it's not there. The brain is looking for something/anything to avoid withdrawals or to try and get happy again. Literally, we don't know what to do. Likewise with our thinking. We automatically go to places to that would justify use in our minds. We habitually think of things to worry about and get made about so we can get right back out there and using. Even though the effects of addiction are negative, the brain likes to focus on the positives it once found in drugs. Priorities then shift to the drug rather than other areas of life that might be causing stress or even happiness for that matter because the chemical was so much more powerful than anything else. As the person decreases their insights into the natural joys of the world, the less effective the drugs become and often cause more distress vs. satisfaction.  (adapted from The Serenity Principal - Joseph Bailey). 

Recovery requires a whole life change and the main area that provides the most stability and foundation is changing thought patterns. I orders some information from SMART Recovery and starting reading their thoughts on the addiction matter. Yup, they are in agreement, that addicts carry around a lot of irrational thoughts and if we don't start standing up and reframing our experience, we are going to be stuck in addiction. I do agree - a lot. In AA, we call these type of unhelpful thoughts - Stinkin' Thinkin'. It's highly appropriate. AA's agenda is to change our thoughts as well. Most recovery programs are after the same thing - serenity. Personally, I got to serenity through the 12 steps and DBT therapy. DBT opened my mind to a few different things that changed the game for me. 1. Acceptance - life is what it is. I will promote my own life misery if I choose to continuously fight reality. 2. I get to decide, ultimately how I want to think. If I have a bad thought or start to shame myself for something - I am empowered to change that thought, get rid of that thought and/or, most importantly, not act on that thought. I truly did not know in my first 5 months of recovery that I had any control over any of it. I thought I was stuck with a negative mind and was helpless to do anything about it. 

On my way to work this morning, I was really working hard to reframe my experiences. I was thinking that I might make a difference in someone's life today. That should be more than enough to get past all my other issues. When I had a guy in my group comment that he felt heard, that was my shining moment of the day. I want people to speak their mind and I want them to be heard. I offered a bunch of guys some alternatives to leaving the building today. I offered a little bit of hope to someone that recovery is possible. So, it's a good thing I didn't have another day off today. It was time to get back to work and remember why I got here.

This is not to say that I don't carry the issues I mentioned in my previous blog. I still do and I feel that way some of the time. I just have to decide if I am going to let those thoughts and feeling dictate my day. They didn't today because I decided on my way to work that I wanted something else. I wanted to change these thought patterns and issues before they become a habit. Waking up morning after morning and not feeling right about anything I am doing can be really detrimental to my practice. I don't want to bring these feelings with me, so I didn't. That is the essence of empowerment. Now, I just need to figure out what this flipping/flopping stomach is all about. It could be something as simple as a lack of sleep. I slept in too long on Sunday and that resulted in a bedtime that was too late. Maybe I don't have anything to worry about other than getting a good night's rest. 

---